Friday, August 28, 2009

Random Thoughts

This post is going to be a bunch of random thoughts. I have so much in my head and not an easy way to get it all out, my head is pretty much unorganized at the moment. Due partly to PMS I suppose, AF is due any day now.

I can't believe our six month angelversary is fast approaching.

I miss my girls, a whole lot, that is obvious. Throughout each day, the delivery part of our story comes to visit my thoughts. I do not know why I cannot get this to stop from entering my mind so much. I want to write it down, I know it will help, but I also know its still too painful to write. In the same breath, I feel more a peace with knowing the girls are in Heaven and playing in the clouds with other angels, with the saying I have heard many times that they were "too beautiful for earth". I recently was also told another saying that felt very comforting, that I should believe that God will return the children he has called away from us someday. I think we are deserving of that, at the least. We are good people, and we will appreciate any blessing that falls into our lives.

I had a shrink appointment last night, she feels I am doing much better, and we talked about TTC again. She stayed mostly neutral about it, but knows that I know the difference now that if we try again, that I will not be replacing the girls, we will be adding to the family. Honestly I have felt like that for quite some time now, it just took a while to talk about it in therapy. With that said, I have made a new blog that I have not yet opened to anyone yet. I will eventually. It's going to be for the next IVF attempt we go on, and my thoughts and feelings on it. I did not think it would be what I wanted to talk about on this site, where I am (mostly) trying to honor our angel girls, but the occassional post (such as this) comes out. So I think I need a separate place for the rants I may have! I will keep everyone posted when I open it if you are interested in following it. I feel like I need to keep alot of this to myself for now.

Our 4th wedding anniversary is coming up on 9-17 and we are trying to do something special for ourselves. We were trying to plan a honeymoon that we never got to take, but we are going to have to postpone it once again. We will still do something special, just not the honeymoon we wanted...definitely in another couple years! I cant believe September is already around the corner, this year has flown by.

Last but certainly not least, I am asking for prayers for my sister in law. She is going to be having brain surgery to remove a non-cancerous tumor that keeps growing. Her surgery is 9/16 and she can use all of the support she can get. I know my angels will protect her and watch over her, as she was there for them the entire delivery and watched over them and took care of them.

Love and light to everyone. Nan xo

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Thank you

Just want to say a big thank you to all of the people that read our blog and/or comment with all of your support. You have no idea how much finding this way of healing has meant to me so far. The path to the future looks a little bit brighter each and every day, with ofcourse the occasional setbacks. I am grateful there have been fewer bad days as of late.
All of you are always in my prayers.
Love, Nan xo

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

No Wonder My Back Hurt?!

I have had back pain for over a year, and never did anything about it, until now. Now I will go through the motions to treat mild levoscoliosis. I apparently have been making my body compensate from the time it started, which makes it worse. Sure, the contributing factors were:

1) That I gained 30 pounds in a matter of 20 weeks with the girls
2) That I was measuring as if I had a full term singleton in my belly
3) That I ignored the pain and thought it was all in my head

I always wondered if I my back pain masked the contractions and back labor I didn't know I was having. Not once did I ever feel a belly contraction, it was all in my back. Everyone tries to tell me that the reason my mucous plug came out was 'probably' because Shelby's sac ruptured, and that there was nothing I could do, but I will never know.

Hopefully by the time we TTC again, I will be good as new, and able to know the back labor signs (probably not!).

Despite the way this post sounds, I am actually doing ok. I am enjoying the girls' garden everyday, trying to start making some flower pictures for angels with the new blooms I find in the garden, and working like mad (at work of course).

Hope everyone is having a good week, we are half way to the weekend....woo hoo!

Love, Nan xo

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Lazy Sunday

GARDEN PROGRESS: The babies garden is growing nicely, and I have 5 out of 6 clematis climbing the fence slowly but surely. I can't wait to see it next year with flowers (hopefully). I took alot of pictures this weekend of the garden, it was calming to hang out there for most of my time.

BACKYARD PESTS: So we have these hornet-like insects invading our back and side yard, they are called Cicada Killers. They last from 4 to 6 weeks and kill the cicadas, where they then take them into their burrows underground, and they are very intimidating. The males do not have stingers, but the females do and they are twice the size of the males. They "say" the sting is not that bad, I for one do not want to find out, so I am avoiding the pool and have become prisoner of my own house! Thankfully they are not burrowing near the babies garden, or I would be going evil on them. Although I have been known to take out a "couple" pots of boiling water, which ensures the eggs won't hatch next year. Why do they like my yard? I do not see them in anyone else's except our neighbor across the street. We had them last year too. Grrr...

ABOUT AN ONLINE FRIEND STEPH: I did not ask her permission to write about her, but now that she has started a blog (YAY!), it's public so.....Steph, hope you aren't upset that I am writing about you! Here's the thing, I used to be on a forum for pregnant mommys of multiples, although I had not talked her on there. I went back to it after I lost the girls to inform everyone that we didn't make it. The outpour of support was amazing, and one of the ladies put out there that another Mom had lost her triplets too. Well, Steph had read it, and she emiled me right away, ready to offer support and that she knew what I had been through when my grief was still so very raw. She was the first person to really reach out to me, babylost triplet Mom to babylost triplet Mom, and I have always appreciated that, so so much. Since then we have become good friends, it stinks that she lives 3,000 miles away, I want to give her a hug. I am glad that she has an earthly child to love, I think it really helped her to get back on her feet, to be there for her little girl. She is an amazing and sweet soul. Please everyone, send her some love, k? Visit her here:

RANDOM STUFF: Other than that, I have not been in the nursery for some time now, not sure why. Maybe I am afraid to break down again, after having a nice long streak of more happy days now. Almost every other night before I go to bed, I keep re-playing the delivery over and over in my head, I cannot stop my mind from wandering there. Maybe someday I will understand it, but the more I read on PPROM, I feel like I should have tried to wait it out more. I read this stuff now so I can be more informed for our next pregnancy, some day. Does anyone else find themselves on problem pregnancy sites to try and figure out how to keep the same thing from hapening again? Just still so darn frustrated with the way our OB office handled me. The what ifs...oh I do not like those, but again, hard to stop from entering your mind. Oh well.

Hope everyone has a good week, think happy thoughts, right?!
Love, Nan xo

Friday, August 14, 2009

Full of Charm

A new dear friend of mine, Tina, has sent me a beautiful charm necklace pendent with our girls' names on it, along with a beautiful note. She has three dots between the girls' names, and room to add more childrens names for the future (so sweet!). It's absolutely beautiful and made with lots of love. She is doing incredible work to help bereaved parents remember their angels with memorial jewelry, and she does it also to help honor her twin angels in Heaven. If you want to see her collection, you can click here. Thank you so much Tina!!! Here are some pictures of it:

Sending sunshine to everyone. Love, Nan xo

Saturday, August 8, 2009

New Blooms 8-8-09

I love love love waking up to new blooms in the girls' garden! I think I have a ritual now, where I wake up, walk out to the kitchen to make coffee, and while at the sink filling up the coffee pot with water, I look out the window to the garden to see if anything is going on and say 'good morning' to my angels. I like that ritual. Now I wish Winter would skip us this year, so I can enjoy the garden year round, but for now I will enjoy and have a pretty garden for our girls until it gets cold in a few months.

So I went out to take a few pics this morning and one of our three kitties was swirling around my feet out in the garden, we call her mountain kitty (formal name Chloe) because we found her up in the mountains as a baby and brought her home. She is so independent, and only comes to you when she wants to, so she decided to come hang with me while taking pictures.

The puppy dog was hanging out too, behind the fence ofcourse :)

Here are just a few other pics:

Hope everyone has a happy Saturday. Love, Nan xo

Thursday, August 6, 2009

5 Month Angelversary - Update!!!

I know I just posted, but I just got another cool sign from my girls and I had to share! Maybe they know I am thinking of them?! I went out to water their garden and noticed that the tree has one branch that has three blooms coming out! Not sure if you can see the third bloom (closer to the top of the pic), as the flower has not emerged yet, but two have. I don't think this tree is supposed to re-bloom, how cool?!! YAY baby girls :) I hear you. xoxoxoxo is also a full moon tonight, so when I look up to the sky tonight, I will think of all of the bereaved parents looking at the same moon and I am holding your hands, we are all together. Much love.

5 Month Angelversary

Today wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but it was still on my mind at a constant pace. I thought about our girls probably 100 times throughout the day, or more. Work poses alot of distraction, but not enough to keep my mind from running away. The sadness of thinking about them is slowly starting turn to happier thoughts of where they are. It definitely takes alot of time and effort to get to a "better place" after the loss of a child or children. I imagine every month will be an angelversary, and then maybe eventually it will be every six months and then maybe every year, who knows. It's different for everyone. I visit the garden every day, look for more blooming flowers or think about what I want to plant next or when I am going to get myself to go buy mulch or look for butterflies (just one so far), cause it just feels good to devote that time to them. This weekend we will do more in the garden, stay tuned :)

Just missing you baby girls, I still can't believe you were three girls and how much fun we would have had on earth. Til' we meet in Heaven. Love Mommy xo

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Summer Bloomers

If you have been following my blog for some time, you know that I ordered some plants for the girls' garden, and they were so so tiny when I got them in May. Now, they are starting to take over and I think I planted them wrong (space-wise)! I read on each package so so carefully, space 12 inches, space 24 inches, this one gets 24 inches high, this one gets 4 feet high...well I must have been high...LOL, j/k of course. It still looks good, its just that now they are really flourishing and going all over the place! I sometimes imagine my girls are with me and they are about 4 years old (in my thoughts), and think that they too would have been all over the place, so I really can relate, grow and learn from this beautiful garden. I can't wait to keep adding more things, even if I plant them incorrectly! Soon.
Love, Nan xo

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Triplet Butterfly Release

Rachel does it again! We sent her a small donation to help pay for shipping and supplies of the wraps, and this is what she does in return for us (she can't stop helping, bless her beautiful soul!). She has a beautiful garden set-up and alot of butterflies come to visit her there and lay their eggs. She had six emerge on Friday and the first three were girls, meant to be for our girls! How cool is that? Thank you Rachel!!! She sent me lots of pics - you can see them here:

If you wish to send a donation to her and have a beautiful butterfly released in your angel(s) honor please click here. She has many options available!
The wraps Rachel sent us were brought to our hospital via my sister in law Barbara, I could not deliver them myself. She works there, and is the angel on earth who ultimately delivered our girls with the docs. Thank you so much for doing that for us Barbara, this is just another reason why you are near and dear to my heart. Love you.
Love to all, Nan xo

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Men's Forum

I just want to share the progress of our Forum for Grieving Dads. It has actually started to become more active and we now have 16 members since it's start in June of this year. I was excited when we only had two members, so you can imagine that 16 has me ecstatic! This is incredible to me that my hubby can go and talk with other Dads experiencing the same feelings and it helps him to understand his own grief. Ofcourse we do not wish anyone would have to meet under these circumstances, but it's important to know that there is help out there, and connections are being made. Thank you to those of you who have mentioned the site, added our button to your site or did any kind of promotion for it, I believe it did make a difference and continues to do so! The blogger world continues to amaze me. The wonderful babylost women I have met through blogger world and forum world continue to amaze me. Just a huge 'thanks'

:) xo Nan