Wednesday, November 25, 2009

It's not easy, but I'll make it through, again

And so it is again, another Holiday without our babies that we trudge through. It's hard to be thankful when you've lost three children suddenly in one day. But, I must say I am thankful for the time I had with my girls, for the 5 months I got to watch and feel them thrive and grow with me, and for what this whole process has opened my eyes to because I know I will be a better more appreciative Mom when I have angels on earth. There are so many of us out there, way too many, but we all support eachother in a world we would have never known about unless we'd not been through the loss of a child. Crappy way to meet, I know. But I am thankful for all of you and for the people who support us IRL too. My girls brought me you :) I hope you can find peace while getting through Thanksgiving (whether you are celebrating it or not), and remember what a blessing it was to carry a baby or babies and know our angels are watching over us always.

Love, Nan xo

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Bunch of Updates

I have been a bad blogger. And even though its only been about a week since I wrote, a lot has happened. So this is a post to catch up on everything.

First, below you will see a beautiful picture from a great friend Andrea, who walked out to her sunny garden last weekend and thought of my girls instantly! I was so happy to see this sign they sent her :) It is three pink roses and two grasshoppers hanging out with them! Grasshoppers for future earthly children???!!! Thanks Andrea, Love to you xxoo Please visit her blog!!!

Next is a beautiful and thoughtful picture I received from Holly at Caring for Carleigh earlier this week. I was so happy again to see that someone else thought of my girls, it was so incredibly thoughtful. Holly did a bunch of names I don't know how she did them all! You are a sweet soul Holly, thank you. I will repay you one day :)

Ok, I lied, I thought the yellow mystery flower was my last flower, but the clematis jumped back in to the race again :) We have had strange weather, warm, cold, warm, cold, so the plants and flowers aren't sure what to do. But the girls' tree has shed all of her leaves, ready for winter.

Neat story. This next pic is of a pin my Mom gave me over last weekend. On the weekend of the girls' 8 month angelversary, I had been looking for something to find, looking for signs like I always do. I decided to look for a butterfly pin. While out with my Mom, I couldn't find anything. Then the next weekend, she came over and told me that in one of her jacket pockets, she found this pin, and doesn't know where she got it from...but she remembered I was looking for one, so she gave me that as my sign :) Thanks Mommy - love you always xxoo Thank God for Moms.

I missed this day on Tuesday, but wanted to post about its importance. It doesn't matter what day it is, it's still important to get the word out and get everyone educated and involved in something that should not be happening in this world. Please pass on this message and it can be any day of the year. Thinking of all of the babies in Heaven and all of the parents who grieve for them everyday.

Lastly, but certainly not least, a dear friend Jessica is trying to do angel dedications for those of you that are interested. She is just trying to give something back to the beautiful community of babylost parents. Her site is called To Always Remember, and she has instructions and contact info on there if you want to do something to remember your angel(s). Please be advised that there are pictures of angel babies on there, just in case you aren't able to handle the visual emotional triggers. And to honor your angel on her site, you do not have to have a picture of your angel baby on there, it can be footprints, or a favorite picture of a butterfly, etc. Jessica is a sweet Mom to both earthly and heavenly children, whom I admire greatly.

I think that's all for now. Thanks for supporting any of the blogs I mention above :)

Love to all xxoo Nan

Thursday, November 12, 2009

One Day At A Time

I have been trying read more inspirational and healing writings in the past month. I came across one that has helped me, and I just wanted to share. I hope it helps someone that might be struggling:

There are two days in every week about which we should not worry, two days which should be kept free from fear and apprehension.

One of these days is yesterday, with its mistakes and cares, its faults and blunders, its aches and pains. Yesterday has passed forever beyond our control. All the money in the world cannot bring back yesterday. We cannot undo a single act we performed. We cannot erase a single word we said. Yesterday is gone!!

The other day we should not worry about is tomorrow, with its possible adversities, its burdens, its large promise and poor performance. Tomorrow is beyond our immediate control. Tomorrow’s sun will rise, whether in splendor or behind a mask of clouds. But it will rise. Until it does we have no stake in tomorrow, for it is yet unborn.

This leaves only one day: Today.

Any man can fight the battles of just one day. It is when you and I add the burdens of two awful eternities – yesterday and tomorrow, that we break down.

It is not necessarily the experience of today that disturbs one’s peace of mind. It is often time the bitterness for something which happened yesterday and the dread of what tomorrow may bring. Let us therefore live one day at a time.

~ Author Unknown

On another note, things are well and I have embraced the spirit of my girls everyday, and it feels so good :)

Love to you, Nan xo

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Varying Stages of Grief...

So, "apparently" (says the therapist), my most recent stage I experienced was anger. Pretty much why I haven't been on here lately, as I try to never be angry on my girls' site. But I do like to share things I find informative, just in case it helps another babylost momma out there somewhere.

I had two dream determined that I am angry for not being in control of anything (would rather not share that dream - disturbing and graphic); the second was about a child who stole my cell phone and wouldn't return it back to me, so I spanked him....this interpreted to something about me being angry for taking my children away from me. Who thinks like that? Who am I? Why did I spank someone's kid I don't even know? I wouldn't spank anyone it doesn't solve anything!! Why must we go through these stages over and over again, haven't we been through enough? This wasn't me before, but it is me now.

I go through my day to day, muddling through, putting on the smile, trying not to show any signs of reverting back as people just don't want to see it, they want to see us happy again, and I get that, I do. I know with more time it gets a little easier, but I will go through these varying stages of grief for the rest of my life, probably with a little more ease eventually. Not everyone seems to understand that this is forever....I will be 70 someday and will cry for my girls. In fact, tomorrow is my 8 months without them, and right now I feel like I will count every 6th of the month forever. Maybe I can do something to honor them to help jump the hurdle of anger, as I haven't done much lately in the cold weather. The thing is, I mentally feel fine right now (except for a head cold), but right when I least expect it, I feel mad about something.

I don't like any of the stages of grief, but anger is probably the worst for me, as it projects on the people around me...I can't help who gets hit (spanked, rather!), but I can keep helping myself to get through it. With the help of this community of beautiful women and with the support of family and friends, it will get a little better, day by day. Thanks for bearing with me...on to the next...

Anyone else have similar experiences with anger? It feels like there is a bit of a dark cloud above many of us, I am praying it lifts real soon. HUGS!!!!!!!!

Love, Nan xoxoxo