Tuesday, February 23, 2010

A few thank yous, and a special introduction

I am so grateful for finding such a wonderful and caring community of ladies with huge hearts. Whether it’s a simple “I’m thinking of you”, “hugs”, or sharing your experiences, I find it all so helpful and sweet. My last post about my girls’ first birthday has been weighing on my mind, and your suggestions and experiences were so sweet, so I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your comments. On writing our birth story, it helped to know that some have also been just like me, and that it was also helpful to know that others wrote it to help honor their angels by remembering the details. I am still torn on what to do, but I loved that most of you wrote, “do what you are comfortable with, and share whatever you want to share”, because yes, this road is different for everyone. I also wanted to note that I think that anyone sharing pictures of their angels is great, and that you can look at them any time you want is beautiful. I almost wish I could share, but it’s just what me and hubby decided to keep “for us” only, from the beginning of this difficult journey.

I wanted to thank Jennifer from The Blue Sparrow and Tina from Living Without Sophia and Ellie for their sweet remembrances of my babies on Valentines. They are so adorable! Hugs to both of you xxxxxxxx

From Tina

From Jennifer

My best friend of almost 35 years sent me this gorgeous pendant necklace with matching earrings, just thinking of me…she is the best and so so sweet. Thank you so much Aimee, I love it so much and know you are here for me whenever I need you!!! Someday I will have to scan a picture of us when we were silly little girls and post it! Here is a pic of the pendant:

I also recently received a beautiful ceramic cross from Nichole at Our Journey for Another Blessing http://kovalbabyjourney.blogspot.com/ (Please visit her, she is great!). Nichole told me she was in a store and saw this gorgeous cross and thought of me and my babies, and sent it pronto!!! I cried happy tears, and was so touched that my girls are in the hearts of many people. Thank you Nichole, it is up on the wall and I am looking at it as I type! I will cherish it forever xxx

Mike and I went to L.owes and I wanted to see if any flowers were around cause I needed a pick me up…and here is what we came home with:

It’s hard not to purchase these things, its money I would have spent (not near the amount) on my babies, had they been on this earth with us. I know it won’t bring them back, but I feel good surrounding myself with reminders of them, so I continue to do it and it makes me smile. Do what ya gotta do!!!




Ok, I am nervous typing this. If you notice the picture of the cross above from Nichole, it has four butterflies. What is the fourth butterfly for? Well you may have guessed or might already know, that we are expecting again. My special introduction is for our baby girl due in July. Her nickname is the grasshopper (thanks to Andrea!), and baby girl is now 19w6d gestation. We do not have a name for her yet. It is truly bittersweet, especially getting to this point in the pregnancy, because I lost my girls at 20w0d. So this is both an extremely happy time and a scared time for us. Really, this entire pregnancy has been that way so far, scared, but hopeful, which is why we waited this long to introduce her. Every day is a blessing, and we continue to try to enjoy her while we have her, and hope we hold her in our arms happy and healthy in July. I know her big sisters are smiling down on us. This may be one of the only times or few times I mention the grasshopper here, as this site is first and foremost my triplet angels’ site. I created another blog that I made private for a while to help get my thoughts out and to document this pregnancy, and the journey to get here. You are now welcome to follow Persevering To Become An Earthly Mommy if you wish.

Love to you all xxxxoooo

Thursday, February 18, 2010

T Minus 16 Days...

It's coming, I cannot stop it, if I could freeze time I would have frozen it a long time ago.

My baby girls' 1st Heavenly Birthday is coming, my one year without them in my arms. It's all I can think about.

Is it really here? Is it really coming around to being a year apart? Actually it feels more like a lifetime. It's all I can think about right now. I know what to do to 'help' the anxiety and depression, but it just eases the pain, doesn't cure it. I am making a list of things to do, and since I am anxious now, I have started doing those things on the list now. It's the only thing I know how to do, I guess its my way of being a Mom to them still. You know, that Mom I wanted to be so badly that I read, wrote and researched everything for how to handle three babies when they were going to be here on earth with us. Nothing in all of the reading I did prepared me for birthdays without them and I feel so naive about that. But I can tell you it does help to start doing these things now, keeping myself busy, and I am doing fairly well at the moment.

If anyone has any suggestions to add to my list on what they did or what they would do, please feel free to leave a comment. So far, I have the following (and this is just for hubby and I by the way):

1) Fill out birth certificates
2) Bought a new display urn, building a corner shelf to place it in our living room
3) Release 3 pink balloons with a note from Mommy and Daddy
4) Bake a butterfly cake and decorate it for them. (Bought a cute cake pan!)
5) Make butterfly chocolate molds
6) Donate real tissues to the hospital in honor of my babies
7) Light all of the candles I have for them together during the times they were born and passed.

I wish I could add to that list "write their birth story", but I am not sure I will ever write it, well, no more than what I wrote on my first ever post. It is too painful. I often wonder if other BLM's cannot write it on paper either. Just like their pictures, I guess some things I feel are just for Mike and I to have to ourselves. But the issue is that I cannot write it, so I guess I will continue to keep it in my head, locked away safely.

Well I appreciate any input, or even just a hello :) May love and light surround you. Nan xo

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Covered in White

We are truly blanketed in snow. If I were to walk out to the girls' garden, the snow would be up to my butt. I think another storm is coming on Monday! I like to think my girls are sending me a sign, as a while ago I related the weather elements to them :) I can still enjoy the garden and their tree covered in snow....but can you see it in the pic above? I have more pictures if you need a snow fix and do not have any where you live! Just click here. Just a silly thought, my snow angels are covered, if I did another three right now I think I would be under the snow LOL.

And just another shout out to try and bump up some activity/traffic to the men's grief forum. We have about 28 members, however no one really talks much...which I was hoping would help the guys open up. I hear so many women say they have a difficult time knowing what is going on with their hubby/partner, whether they are ok or not, and this place can still be their outlet. The goal is to try and get 100 members (guys only ofcourse), and then I would let it be what it is going to be. If you cannot get 100 guys to talk occasionally, then its going to be a tough road. Where else can I publicize this? The link to the forum is in blue on the right side of this page. Thanks for your support, and the support to the guys in your lives :)

Have a great day. Love, Nan xo

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Sunday, February 7, 2010

Snow Angels

Thank you for everyone's support and comments yesterday and today (and always), it was nice to have everyone thinking of our girls with us :)

What we really did for their angelversary was in the above pic, but it was too late in the afternoon to take pictures yesterday and them actually come out. I did three snow angels for my angels and sent them up to the sky with love! It was perfect since we had over a foot of snow. I think we have another storm coming on Tuesday, which is the most snow we've had in a long time, we like it though.

Regarding the statue in my post yesterday, I was surfing the web for pictures of angel statues and this one came up almost immediately, so I stole it :) I only wish I had it in their garden as it is absolutely perfect (three little girl angels with wings, melts my heart), and if anyone ever sees anything like it please let me know cause I will have to buy it! Wish I was handy enough to make something like that.

If you want to see more pics you can click here.

Love to you all, have a nice Sunday, Nan xo
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Saturday, February 6, 2010

11 Month Angelversary

Beautiful baby girls,

Missing you more everyday, and thinking about you always.

Love, Mommy and Daddy xoxoxo

Thursday, February 4, 2010

A Little Piece of Paper

I have been trying to find this little piece of paper for almost 11 months now. I asked hubby, "Where do you think it is, in your car?". He replies, "No I haven't seen it. Are you sure we have something like that?". So I was thinking I was crazy, that maybe in the craziness of delivery that maybe I imagined it happened. And then the other day, hubby placed a little piece of paper in front of me. My eyes lit up and tears welled. Handwritten was:

Shelby Lee - 10 oz
Megan Aimee - 8 oz
Lynne Barbara - 9 oz

Their weights. My precious girls. All of this time, I never remembered their weights and it's been torturing me. This also gave me clue to how long they were, exactly the same number as their weights 10", 8" and 9", Mike remembered clearly my SIL saying that.

Why do I need this info? 1) I just do. and 2) I am fortunate to have birth certificates that need filling out still, and I can finally include this info which I will do on their 1st birthday.

So there you have it. How some lady can be so neurotic about a piece of paper with 10 8 9 on it. I will forever have 10 8 9 in my head, forever. If that doesn't explain the mind of a bereaved Mother, I do not know what will! Tell you what though, I never knew I could love so hard and be this passionate about anything.

Feel free to share any neurotic thoughts here as they are most welcome!

Love, Nan xo