Tuesday, July 24, 2012

3 years post due date

Tonight, after the house settled (sort of!), I managed to make my way out to the babies' garden, water the plants who are starving for water on these hot humid summer days, and reflect.  From the picture above you can see when it starts getting dark, we have some solar lights wrapped around the tree, 3 butterflies that light up and change colors and also our original turtle that holds a butterfly that lights up from the early days of the garden making began.  There is so much love and significance going on in this little corner of my yard/world, and I am grateful I am able to go out there and think of them, even though it hurts, and it helps, and it makes me miss them more, and it makes me feel their presence. 

I know, regardless of my losing them at 20 weeks, I still stick to the due due of 40 weeks even though a normal triplet pregnancy is not 40 weeks.  Its was still the date I was given at the very beginning and I tie it to them forever.

I had a memory while I was out there tonight.  Do you see the picture on my profile? Well that was taken the very night we did our HCG trigger shot that eventually brought us our baby girls.  We were at a restaurant because it was my Mom's 70th birthday and me and my sister went into the very lovely ladies room (I know, so idyllic!) and she administered my shot exactly at 7:30.  That night was also the night the Phillies won the world series, a present to my Mom no doubt as she is a great fan.  Mike and I had an argument on the way home and I can't even remember why, probably medication and hormones from the cycle.  So many things went on in just a matter of hours that night.  I look at that profile picture and I see a person I don't know alot about anymore.  I look at how young she still looked, and how weathered I look now.  I see a naive person in that picture, who was on her 2nd IVF cycle praying for a BFP, and when I got it, had no idea about babyloss or that babies died. Naive idiot.  A person who kept getting excellent progress reports and couldn't wait to keep growing and growing and wondered how big I would get with 3 babies and a 4'11" body to hold them.  It stings, not as harshly, but it still stings and brings the tears.

No doubt, I am the only one who remembers this date.  Im ok with that, where in years past, I wasn't ok with that because it made me feel as though no one cared about my babies and wanted me to move on.  I think most people know Im not "moving on" by now, and that this is forever.  I am surviving, and I am still standing and persevering.  I do not want to hear I should be happy Autumn is here, as that is a given, and she never "replaced" my triplets, she is her own person and things just do not work that way in this situation.  These beautiful girls are a part of lives forever, my firstborn children...and Autumn will always have 3 big sisters in Heaven.

So many more thoughts in my head, but I must sleep.  I still haven't dreamt about the girls in a positive way yet, I know someday I will, and I hope someday they are in my dreams, but for now they are forever in my heart.

Love, Nan xoxoxo

Shelby, Megan and Lynne,
You were, and still are, more wanted and loved by us so much.  My dreams for you to be here never end, and my arms will always ache for what could have been.  We love you always.