The Reiber's - Remembering Our Triplet Angels

One Month Til They Turn 3 in Heaven

2012-02-06T20:43:00.002-05:00

I see myself sometimes as a broken record, playing the same thoughts over and over again. Here I am again trying to plan a special day for my girls' birthday, and all I can do is hope I've made it as special or better than the year before. But it's hard, it's still so darn hard. I wonder sometimes if a few years down the road will I do less or do more or will I be just as I am today.

The past two years we have found ourselves drawn to the beach, maybe its an attachment to their names in the sand or the waves representing the roller coaster ride it's been since losing them, or just being away in a quiet spot (quite frankly its cold and no one is there, and I like it that way!). Last year we forgot to bring the urn with us and had to come home early, so I will be sure not to forget to do that. Regardless, Mike and I both feel that their birthday is our time to reflect and be by ourselves away from everyone, without any influences or pressure, except now we get to share it with Autumn, which is still so bittersweet. Another thing I am planning is trying to finish their scrapbook that we started on their first birthday. I have to give a huge thank you to Meredith's Mommy, Sarita for sending me a beautiful package which included personalized scrapbook tags that are just perfect and I cannot wait to add them. Thank you Sarita! So now I am just trying to find a few more things to do and will share if I get some new ideas.

I have so many thoughts I want to get out, so many wishes I want to send, so many tears I want to cry, for me, for you, for our babies who are above, for those couples trying to conceive, for those trying to adopt, for those couples expecting again who are on edge, for those who recently lost and have the raw raw pain on the inside just bursting to scream outloud. I wonder how everyone is, if we still share many of the same thoughts. Do you feel like you want to be alone on your babies birthday or do you want to celebrate big and involve everyone and open yourself up for those not=meant=to=be=hurtful=but=are, comments. I can't handle those at all, I snap right up now and speak up, whereas before I would not, but I have to to protect my heart and let people know it still stings sometimes, and that I want to talk about my girls even if I cry.

See? Many thoughts...I could go on, but I must sleep and recharge for the next month to come. Love to all, Nan xxxooo

Sweet dreams my beautiful baby girls in Heaven. I know you are never more than a thought away. We love you so much.

Xmas 2011 - Our triplets stocking additions

2011-12-21T17:04:00.006-05:00

The pictures don't really doesn't do these justice. It's a gold-ish color with three swavorski (sp?) color crystals in the center, three in one package at the craft store jewelry making section. I wandered for about 20 minutes and it finally popped out at me, I cannot tell you how much I LOVE THAT, when it happens :) So I sewed them on to the stockings over the weekend and I'm missing my sweet girls like crazy. Much love goes out to all of you reading this, no matter what your situation is, I hope you feel embraced by this lovely community of women and men, and that the Holidays are gentle on you. Our babies in Heaven are always in our hearts. xxxooo Nan

The 6th, Again

2011-12-06T03:16:00.002-05:00

It's the 6th again, and only 4 months until their 3rd Birthday. It's also time to think about what we will add to our sweet angels' stockings for their 3rd Xmas in Heaven this year. Hmmm...something always pops out at me, so we shall see what it will be this year.

It helps to have started a tradition that involves including the babies every year, and this is something we can do forever :)

Big hugs to those that are struggling, especially this time of year. Much love, Nan

25 Days of Giveaways

2011-11-30T08:00:00.000-05:00

I am terrible with adding blog buttons so I am just creating a link here.

Please visit Tina's amazing blog during the month of December for the amazing project she put together again this year ...love to you Tina :) Thanks for all you do!

xxxooo

3 negatives make 1 positive

2011-11-15T07:36:00.004-05:00

I could continue to write on and on about the darker side of things, but I always bargained with myself that if I get too dark, that I would surface to the lighter side of life and focus on the positive. So maybe sometimes you need that time and space to go 'there' so you can see the light again.

I woke to what I think is the last flower in the babies garden and also that their tree is winterizing herself. It's always so beautiful to me and reminds me to think of the good things again.
xoxoxo

Thanks for the lift…

2011-11-14T08:00:00.000-05:00

Thanks for your comments on my last post sweet friends. It helped to know I wasn’t alone, although I always wish no one else felt like me. But seriously, reaching out just made me feel better, even if it’s a little bit.

Sometimes you have to go fishing, (no not in the great outdoors!) fishing for answers. My last post was to say to my friends in blogosphere that “Hey, I’m struggling, are you struggling too? What do you do to get through it even this far down the road, or are you flopping and flailing like a fish out of water like me too?”

When I talk about my psychologist and what she helps me to see and realize, I want to share it to see if it will help you too. I realize this may not be for everyone, but for myself, there have been a couple of real eye opening sessions. I’ve been battling depression since I was about 21 or so, I am now 36, and didn’t start seeing a psychologist until one month after I lost my baby girls. I have been on and off medications to help, and they usually get me through. I usually know when I am starting another round of depression requiring meds. For instance, lately all it takes is a little trigger and I can drop to my knees and sob, or tears to start streaming with a mere thought of the words “depression” “pressure” or “bitterness”, especially when they are brought up in the psychologists office, and sometimes sitting at my desk at work. Thankfully there is no shortage of tissues at either place, and I don’t care what other people think when it happens. But my point is, when you think you may need help or aren’t sure if you need help, chances are you may. That is not to say you have to go on medication right this instant, but it’s important to talk to a doctor you trust, even if it’s your PCP.

I gotta tell ya, I’m terrified of taking Autumn to the doctors when she is sick, I get panic attacks and super nervous, want to throw up, the whole nine. But it’s a fear of me setting things up to fail as I said in my last post, thinking the doctor will say “She has to go to the hospital for further tests” and then the fear that she will get wheeled away or something, and then the roller coaster starts. But nothing happens; she is completely fine and just needs an antibiotic for an ear infection or just to be watched for a common cold, etc, and we go home thankfully. Those awful thoughts get in my head and I can’t stop it some days. So when I say my brain needs to be re-trained, I think you may understand why now. I apply that train of thought to many things, not just Autumn’s doctor visit. Not good.

Also, if you have other difficult things going on in your life, it just contributes to the grief and depression of losing your child and/or children. I guess I will just bare my soul even more, but what has been the topper for me lately is the realization of not trying to have biological children anymore, it’s over, and I’m slowly accepting it. I just really wanted to try to have an earthly sibling for Autumn to play with so she could grow up like we did, is that selfish? I think not. Mike and I just have every odd against us at this point and I don’t even think I could mentally or physically wrap my head around another IVF cycle (let alone afford it) which isn’t a guaranteed baby anyhow, or even go through a pregnancy full of surgeries and trauma or possible loss. None of our IVF embies ever froze, so there is no chance of a future FET. I am now on BC pills for endometriosis which they aren’t sure how invasive it is, but who knows with all of the things my body has been through, but it’s been painful so I assume the worst (like always). My hubby has had two work accidents in the past 6 years (one near fatal) which thankfully he is ok but he has been out of work for quite some time (not by his choice). The one good thing I find out of that is that he is home with Autumn. Who knows, maybe if we can get our personal life together again we could even talk about adoption, it’s not out of the picture, but we are nowhere near stable enough at this point. There is much more, but I digress. I love having my rainbow most of all and am forever grateful for her making it to be with us on earth. I guess I’m just looking for some hope, some positivity in my negative mind, trying to swim to the surface before I feel like I’m drowning again. I know someday my attitude could affect Autumn and I have to keep trying to fix myself for her most of all.

So how do you will yourself forward when you are stuck in a rut? Blog, reach out to one of us, see a doc, get meds, go fishing, do whatever you have to do I suppose to keep moving forward. I feel better when I blog, time doesn’t allow much of it, but I’m trying. Tell me what you do to feel better…I love to hear suggestions.

Thinking of you all, sending much love back to you for your support and unconditional love xxxooo Nan

Twisted

2011-11-08T12:48:00.001-05:00

Its official, my train of thought definitely has to be re-trained. While working with my therapist, she finally said to me that the things I say are self-sabotaging, and that I twist good things into bad things. I automatically think things are going to fail, even if they don't. That's a lot of what I've been doing these past 2 plus years, assuming the worst, and reliving the past. It was a big realization to make, one that I've told myself I need to work on and make things better, if not for me, then for my family on earth. I need to try and stop being so bitter about all of the circumstances beyond my control that have happened. How do you do that though? I will let you know if I figure it out. Sad, I never was like this, ever.

Styx, Stickers, Bubba, Bubbahead

2011-10-19T08:00:00.002-04:00

My sweet kitty of 15 and a half long loyal years passed away last night of old age. He has always been such a comfort to me through all of the good and bad times in my life, especially laying with me for days on end against my belly when I lost my baby girls and felt like a hollow shell inside. I didn't think I'd be a blubbery mess like I am, as these past few days it was expected and I just felt numb. I had a huge attachment to him, and he was a good little fur baby, and I will never forget him and miss him forever. Hopefully he's gone on to play with my babies in Heaven. We will bury him close to the babies' garden today. Love you snuggle buddy, thanks for the wonderful memories.

~May 15, 1996 to October 18, 2011~

Wave of Light 2011 - Remembrance Photos

2011-10-17T08:00:00.000-04:00

Click here for more photos

Was thinking of everyone xxxooo

Thoughts of tomorrow…

2011-10-14T08:00:00.001-04:00

They feel heavier. Should they be lighter? We all know there isn’t a book to follow. I read an article that said losing a child(ren) is a life sentence, how very true this feels to me right now. I just needed to get this out in a short manner as time doesn't allow much for blogging these days, but the pressure cooker feels like it’s about to burst again. I know once I get to 7PM tomorrow I will feel lighter. Even though we are all united in spirit all the time, it just feels nice to have that specific time, that dedication to possibly looking at the same bright star in the sky together. It reminds me of Fievel the Mouse from An American Tail movie…and that darn sappy song that gets me every time [insert tears here].

Love, Nan xoxoxo

Two and a Half Years...

2011-09-06T08:00:00.000-04:00

I've been holding my breath for a few weeks, and now I know why. Thankfully I have a therapy appointment tonight to help me work through this a little more. If you've never gone, I really suggest going one time, just to see what it's like and if it's for you. I don't know where I would be without it, literally. Thats all I can really say for now.

Love to you in the clouds my sweet baby girls.

xoxoxo

I forgot

2011-07-09T22:50:00.000-04:00

This month was the first month in 2 years, 4 months that I missed acknowledging the "6th" of every month. To a normal person that may seem, well, normal. But to me it just feels like I failed a bit. But I don't feel raw, I don't feel cut, I just feel sad about it, and needed to go to the place that understands it, here. Strangely enough, on that day, I was pulling weeds in the babies' garden and tidying it up with some pruning shears and it just hadn't crossed my mind. So I guess, in my own way, my girls are incorporated in daily life without having to have that date attached to them all the time. Maybe when you get to a certain part of this roller coaster ride it all starts to blend together? Hopefully all in a good way.

I miss them, so much, and am grateful for people in my life that allow me to be who I need to be, and also for people who look for things in "3's" for me :)

Love, Nan xoxoxo

If you want to see garden progress this year, its wonderful, click here!

Happy 2nd Birthday sweet girls

2011-03-06T04:36:00.001-05:00

Hi beautiful babies of ours,

We have been thinking of you constantly and trying to stay focused on hoping you are playing in clouds with your family and angel friends. Thank you for showing us what true love is and for all of the blessings we try to live for everyday. Thank you also for the three ships, three seagulls, three bumblebees, three windsailing kites and the beautiful scenery you painted in the sky.

We love you more than words could possibly express,

Love, Daddy, Mommy, S & Autumn xxxooo

Attempting to Embrace it, Again

2011-03-03T08:00:00.000-05:00

Loved with a love beyond all feeling,
Missed with a grief beyond all tears

Missing you tons baby girls, I love you.

Bottled Up

2011-02-09T20:00:00.001-05:00

We are rounding the corner to our triplet's 2nd Birthday/Angelversary. I am taking the time to write this post no matter how it comes out or sounds, because I just HAVE TO.

I don't know exactly if I can pinpoint that anticipating another 'date" is making me crazy this past month or two. Or could it be that my outlet of blogging and getting my thoughts out in writing has been lacking for 4 months now. Either way, I can honestly say that no matter what has happened since we lost the girls, I still go through all of the typical phases of grief. For me, sometimes I find myself thinking that "you should be better by now, or should not be going through grief phases, especially with the positive things that have happened to you since then". What I do know and what I have learned, is that this is forever. I can't believe how many people feed me the line "you should be happy now" crap, there is no need to tell me that. Do you want to know how many times I got asked why I have 7 stockings hanging up for Xmas? Duh!

I have alot of things that have been bothering me for a while now, and keeping it bottled up. Not a good thing to do, now I know.

Now that I can recognize what I'm going through, I want to TALK about it, I want to TALK about my girls and celebrate their brief beatiful lives and what they have taught me. But I find that many people IRL (not all, but alot) shy away from me when I want to talk about it, they change the subject or walk away. Really? Seriously, do they even know what I've really been through in the last 6 years alone (yes, they do)? Enough for two lifetimes or more. I left my psychologist appointment last Monday in sobbing tears, the flood gates opened as I realized I really haven't been facing or embracing my thoughts or feelings. I drove to my Moms who thankfully lives 5 minutes away from there and just fell apart on the floor, literally. Then the next day I got super angry, and was angry for about a week which actually affected my work and someone thought I threw them under the proverbial bus. Which, by the way is something I would never ever do. Now I'm in a lull, which is what I think is depression...and I'm on medication now for depression, so what the heck? Phases, ugh.

Grief seems to always win until you recognize the phase you are in. If you cannot outlet your grief somehow, well, atleast for me, I know it will come out in some other way. When I wasn't facing it, I started dreaming and having nightmares...dreaming horrible horrible dreams, and I am still having a few, but they are not as bad. I dream of people being possessed by demons and I have to shake the crap out of them to snap out of it...can you guess what that one means? Yep, I'm asking people to wake the frig up and just listen! You don't have to reply, just listen!!!!!!!!!!!!! There were many other horrible dreams, but most I'd rather keep to myself.

I've been away from blogging for so long now. Partially because I start to write and have to erase it all because my thoughts overwhelm me, and I worry about what others think too much. I know this place is my story to write and etc etc, but I also worry about offending others who read here. I always want to be sensitive to readers who have been through loss, so I try not to bring up Autumn, but she comes up in everything I do. She is forever a little sister on earth to my triplets in Heaven, so how could I leave her out? So if I mention her, please know my intent is not to upset anyone. I will always try to just mention her on our other blog. Sometimes I feel guilty having any of these thoughts in my head when I have Autumn and feel I should just shut up. It's all very conflicting.

I read everyone's blogs every week or so as to keep up, so please know even though I don't comment, I am still thinking of you, wondering, praying, hoping all is as well as it can be.
A good friend texted me and said it best how I've been feeling lately: "It seems like no matter how good you are, it's never great because they aren't here".

I hope I'm off my soapbox for now, I just really needed to vent. Maybe someone out there is feeling the same way I am and if so I hope this brought some comfort to you to know you aren't alone.

We are planning a trip to the beach over the triplets' birthday, and even though it will be cold there, I just felt like we needed some "us" time, to just "be". I think we might light some fireworks and if the weather cooperates we might take lots of beach walks and sit on the jettys. Keeping it simple this year but I know I need to be away from here.

Think Spring.

Much love xxxooo

Candles

2010-10-18T20:28:00.001-04:00

I didn't have alot of time after work to get this together, but wanted to share that I lighted candles in honor of all our babies with every candle I had. I did better last year, but next year I want to make sure I have it just perfect. I noticed last year and this year both had very windy cold days, and that my plans for an outside night vigil were not going to happen, so this is what I have, and it was sweet. Hubby and I hugged for a long while and had some tears, but ultimately it showed us even more how much love we have for our children in the sky, and that not a day goes by that we don't think about them. Click here for more pictures, and I hope you all had beautiful candlelit memories. Love, Nan

Layers of Grief.....& Oct 15th Rememberence Day

2010-10-14T20:30:00.001-04:00

Living child mentioned, just want to give a heads up in case you don't want to read...but you may find it helpful. If not, please know that I will be thinking of all of our babies in Heaven tomorrow and always....Love, Nan xxxooo
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Since my last post, I have been struggling with what to write. I think we all have either a writer's block sometimes or even just need a break every once in a while. When the year and half mark hit last month, the day was Labor Day (ugh) and I went to the park to walk and push Autumn in her stroller. There I was.....walking, weeping, sobbing and then staring at a beautiful face that will someday know that she has three big sisters who are now in Heaven. I asked myself for a month, how can I still struggle when I have Autumn? Then I realized these things:

1) Because the fact is that my girls were real, they were here and that I still grieve their loss and their dream.
2) Because all of the things I used to do (ie. blog, garden), I can't do as much. So that can sometimes feel like I am taking time away from reflecting on them.
3) Because with each year, the grief gets a little lighter, with some setbacks, but the feeling of guilt comes into the picture for it feeling lighter.
4) Because I'll always worry about losing Autumn too.

None of this is easy, and honestly I have not walked the most graceful path, but to get the thoughts out of my head and to maybe know that someone else may be feeling the same way, just makes me feel better.

My therapist shared something a few months back that may be helpful to some of you, and I have been wanting to write about it for a while. I asked her why I couldn't "process" (in other words, why did I break down hysterically) some things as easily anymore, such as thoughts of a baby shower for myself until Autumn arrived safely. It is because we process things differently now...when someone is grieving, the thought process has alot layers because it has too many things to consider, and becomes emotional overload. So, for example, a baby shower, you think, why can't I handle it? Because, A) It reminds you what you should have had a year ago, B) Fear of seeing another small baby, C) Fear of seeing baby bumps besides your own, D) If it was a surprise shower, then you would feel betrayed by all who knew upfront that you couldn't handle it, E) Fear of having to return gifts or look at a room full of gifts if your baby did not make it, F) I could go on and on and on. Many many layers. And that is just one example. I had a shower after Autumn was born, and I cried a bunch, but I was prepared for it, and prepared to talk about my girls that day also. Surprises don't sit well with us, and I know most here reading can relate.

Anyway, I just wanted to share that. And also, I am thinking of all of our babies in Heaven tomorrow and always. I will be lighting a bunch of candles and we will all be together in spirit tomorrow. I also plan to try and decorate the babies' garden with some flowers and pumpkins.

Hugs, and lots of love, Nan xxx

A Year and a Half Angelversary

2010-09-05T20:10:00.010-04:00

It seems like everytime I write here, I am surprised at how long it's been, but really I am not surprised, more like shocked. A year and a half hurts just as much as a year, a half year, a month, etc. The pain of losing them has lessened alot in comparison to those raw times, but I can still remember their smells, the weight of them in my arms and the hurt of having to hold my children for the last time. The past few days leading up to this angelversary have been especially hard, don't know why and I can't explain it. I have been trying to find something special to do to honor their memory, but I've come up with not too much :( But things may have been trying to find me (I think and I hope).

I had a butterfly that was flying all around me and Autumn on our front porch that let me take numerous pictures up close.

We also had two Monarch caterpillars eating the milkweed on our front porch, but left yesterday to go morph somewhere nearby :) I am hoping to see them back again soon flying around our porch, or the garden.

Other than that, the girls' garden is in need of some weeding and pruning so maybe I will make the garden spiffy tomorrow and it will make me feel close to them. Maybe thats whats wrong, that I have not been able to work for them and feel close, I'll give it a shot. Maybe I will have some new flowers bloom tomorrow in "3's" and give me some signs :)

Love to all xxxooo Nan

Support

2010-08-06T22:24:00.003-04:00

If you can, please stop by my dear friend Angie's blog to lend some extra support that this loving community is all about. I love you Angie, please please please hang in there and feel our prayers lift you up.

**********

Today is 17 months without my sweet triplet girls, and I still see those special Heaven sent signs that could be none other than them blowing kisses to us. We drove past a local florist who does displays in this large 2nd floor window, and guess what was in it? Three giant butterflies...just beautiful. Love you, sweet angels.

xxxooo

Mommy Never Forgets You

2010-07-24T22:03:00.003-04:00

Dear Baby Girls,

A year ago today, the three of you were due. Certain dates still stick out in my mind and I suppose they always will, which I am grateful for because I never want you far from my thoughts. I will be planting a new flower in your garden tomorrow (as today was just way too hot out there), its orange milkweed and I hope to attract more butterflies!

Goodnight and sweet heavenly dreams, love you always, Mommy xxxooo

Prayers for Deni

2010-07-06T21:52:00.003-04:00

Please send my sweet friend Deni lots of support, prayers and love. Their long awaited adoption did not go through as planned and I am so saddened by this outcome. They put so much time, love, emotion and effort into this, and to have it fail is heartbreaking. So you can just imagine the heartache and disappointment making it very much another loss. Please visit her and thanks for all the support.

Love, Nan xxx

16 Months

2010-07-06T11:27:00.006-04:00

Dear Shelby, Megan and Lynne,

As another "6th of the month" rolls around, I cannot help but think of where you would be today if you were on earth. You would definitely be walking by now and we'd be chasing you around like crazy making sure our house was super duper child proof so we could keep 50 eyes on you at all times. I love the thought of you all dressed up in three pink dresses running under the sprinklers, or three pink bathing suits on a huge float in the pool, with your daddy taking a massive amount of pictures of the fun you are having. I can only hope it's like that for you up in the clouds.

As we prepare for your baby sister to come this week, I think of you even more, if that is possible. The nursery has a special mural which includes you, me, Daddy, your big brother, your little sister and all of your angel friends in Heaven and on earth. No matter what, you are always going to be in our lives forever and you will always be included in everything we do.

We love you always, Mommy and Daddy. xxx

Above is a picture of the mural in our nursery, it is near completion with a few finishing touches needed. The three eggs in the nest represent Shelby, Megan and Lynne. Ironically, their real tree in the garden has a nest that looks exactly like that that we have pictures of, no eggs though. The seven flowers represent Mike, me, Shelby, Megan, Lynne, my stepson and our daughter on the way. The leaves on the tree represent all of the girls' angel friends in Heaven and their rainbow friends on earth.

Love, Nan xxx

Remembering Tristen Ryan

2010-07-04T08:16:00.002-04:00

Please please please, send my dear friend Shandrea all your love, support and prayers. I'm just heartbroken.

Prayers for those who are struggling

2010-07-03T19:08:00.006-04:00

You've struggled with your loss or losses and the raw gut wrenching emotion it brings

You've struggled with not having your child or children with you everyday on earth

You've struggled with seeing other women pregnant and/or going (or not) to their baby showers

You've struggled being around infants or toddlers as sometimes they remind you of what you are missing

You've struggled with trying to get pregnant naturally or go through IF treatments or go through adoption

You've struggled (if you've gotten pregnant or are adopting now) with wondering if your earthly baby or babies are going to make it or if you will have more angels in Heaven or a failed adoption

You've struggled with guilt and all of the phases of grief over and over and over again

You know this is going to effect you for the rest of your life and will always be on your heart and mind

Etc...Etc...Etc...the list goes on and on

So why should anyone have to struggle through trying to make it again to be earthly parents no matter what the route? Why can't things just be ok? Why can't there be a guarantee, like on a box of brake pads? I'm sorry but my heart is very heavy today and I have to ask God why anymore. I am not super religious but I have my own beliefs. Call me selfish, but I want my friends to be ok and to have their babies on earth, just like I want mine too. So I will cling to hope and pray and ask that you also pray for not just my friends, but for all of us in this community going through every struggle we know all too well. Maybe the key is that we all keep bonding together to form a super alliance...wouldn't super powers be nice right now.

Love, Nan xxx

Our Forum

2010-06-17T17:30:00.004-04:00

Our little Forum for Grieving Dads isn't doing so well, it appears to be very very stagnant. I wanted to take this time to reach out to whoever reads this, to please share it on your blogs (if you haven't already), share it by word of mouth or email. I would love to be able to ramp up the activity so our guys can get some support, or even just know they have somewhere 'just for them' to go, especially with Father's Day coming around this weekend.

Thanks for your help xxx Nan

To Grab This Button, See Link on the Right Side of This Blog

Things in 3's

2010-06-05T06:44:00.008-04:00

I am noticing (in my lengthy time of not blogging) that I keep seeing things in 3's. I often take these as little "signs" to bring me comfort. The girls' garden is flourishing and really producing beautiful pictures and new flowers everyday. This sounds totally non-logical, but I didnt know the weeping cherry tree would actually produce little cherries...not that there are a ton or that I will be harvesting cherries or anything! But I thought that was a neat little surprise to walk out to the other day.

This is actually my 100th post. I wish I had some amazing thing to do for it, but honestly, I do not have the mental or physical energy. As some of you know we are expecting our rainbow grasshopper in just a few weeks and I get sad and happy when looking at the nursery....sad because it's being redone and looks only a little bit like it did for the girls...but happy because they will be incorporated in a mural we are doing (and more) and always a part of our lives. I miss my girls every day, and it shows in everything I do, and I know that's ok.

Tomorrow it will be 1 year and 3 months since my girls grew their wings, the 6th of every month is ALWAYS on my mind...you are forever in my thoughts and in my heart every day sweet baby girls, love you.

***

I was devastated to read of another loss this week within the BLM community, completely heartbroken. All you want to do is cling to hope for Mom's trying so hard to have their rainbow baby, and when that gets crushed you really feel for them....deeply. Please please please send some extra love to Courtney, Mommy to twins ^Logan^, ^Brody^, and little brother, ^Wyatt^. Fly high sweet little Wyatt, but not too far so Mommy can see you.

Hiding Out

2010-05-14T17:55:00.002-04:00

I've been hiding out, mainly in my girls' garden, watching all of the pretty blooms in progress. It really is a beautiful place and I am so glad it's there to play in. What I find the most interesting, is how some of the plants are coming up differently this year, as compared to last year. For those of you who have followed this blog for a while, you may remember my post called The Last Flower, but it was the last flower that bloomed in my garden in 2009 before Winter set in. There was only one sole flower that came up and it took until October to even show itself. Since then, I have learned that its called a Maximillian Perennial Sunflower, and that it's supposed to have MANY blooms. Well, this year, it started early, has been taking over a good section of the half moon and has so many buds that I lost count! Here are a couple pics:

I think I will split some of it up and replant some in other places. Its really hardy, and pretty!

As I see more or notice anything else different I will definitely share, you can count on that. I really find so much purpose and so much closeness being out there. I will add more to the garden after our rainbow has arrived safely.

******

Mother's Day. Just hurt, like for most of us. It went ok, but not without the occasional breakdown. Especially after receiving this:

My Mom gave me some pink geraniums I cannot wait to get planted soon. Thanks Mom, you always remember your beautiful Granddaughters in Heaven, and are always there for me, I don't know what I would do without you. I love you.

Hubby had three butterflies placed in this beautiful floral arrangement that arrived at our house. So when I saw it, I counted out loud "one, two, oh my God did you place three butterflies in there" and then had a meltdown in his arms. I am choked up thinking about it. I miss my girls so much, and it sometimes still hurts like it did a year ago. I can't even believe I can say that 'a year ago'. Those moments are going to hit me occasionally for the rest of my life on earth, and it only reminds me more of how real they were in my arms, of how beautiful they are in my pictures and how much I want to honor and cherish them forever. So to my wonderful hubby, I love you, and thank you for all you do to keep our girls' memories alive, and keep me sane. This was a beautiful and most thoughtful gift...and I get to keep the butterfly garden stakes! xxx

So Happy Belated Mother's Day to all of the beautiful Moms, on earth and in heaven, I am sorry I am so late, I guess I needed some time to process the day. I used to process things so easily, now it takes alot of time....does anyone else feel that way?

******

Lastly, I would like to share what Jennifer created for her local hospital. Please visit her blog to read a document posted "Important tips for medical personnel in dealing with grieving parents". I plan on bringing this to the nurse manager at our hospital when I bring more tissue donations. Please note, her site has pictures and a living child mentioned, so if you have a hard time with those, then please email me and I can email you the document if you want.

Sending you all some Spring butterflies and sunshine.

Love, Nan xxxooo

Forever My Firefly too....

2010-05-06T05:19:00.004-04:00

I feel like an Auntie to this special little boy, because I have a friendship so special in Andrea that we could be sisters. (Tears streaming as I write this). And although we don't share the same Angelversary date, we share the 6th of each month, and have done so for almost a year now, trying to keep eachothers heads above water. Andrea, I love you and I am praying for your heart to feel lifted today as you celebrate your amazing little one. I thank God everyday for having you in my life.

Christian, Happy First Heavenly Birthday little man. We love you and are thinking of you all of the time. I hope you are playing with my girls and celebrating in those big beautiful white puffy clouds. Without you I would have never have been brought to your Mommy, my Angel on Earth. She is sending all of her love to you today and always. Love, Auntie Nan xxx

You are a Mom...

2010-05-02T09:26:00.003-04:00

And a beautiful one at that....

Thinking of all of you lovely ladies and sending love to you all xxx Nan

Awareness

2010-04-29T21:06:00.000-04:00

To back up my last post even better:

Please pass it on!!

Grief in Many Forms, (i.e. Infertililty)

2010-04-27T09:58:00.007-04:00

My head spins in a 1000 directions most days. You know you are a different person. Grief has so many faces and phases. This particular post is about infertility as it relates to IVF or IF procedures.

A dear friend in Sweden, Angie, has recently found out they may need to go through IVF. She is devastated, as she has every right to grieve losing their ability to conceive naturally, as does anyone going through IF. What is puzzling is that they conceived naturally last year, but unfortunately miscarried their little boy Adam. I remember when Mike and I found out we had to go through IVF 4 years ago, it was very difficult to process at first. But that is all I remember before jumping into the "process" two weeks later. At the time, I did not know infertility was a form of grief, and looking back, it all seems like a blur. I knew NOTHING, and it was alot of information to take in. Now that I know so much more and am able to share my experiences with others, I know I can make a resource to many. Which brings me to asking many of you reading this to send some prayers and/or advice to Angie, as her and her hubby have an appointment tomorrow with the RE to discuss their options and further results.

If anyone has any questions on IVF, there are many resources out there including many of us who have gone through it that would be more than willing to share. If you would like to comment with your experience, and/or a link to a helpful website, link or post, feel free to do so here and I will reference this post on the side of my blog as a quick reference.

Thanks dear friends xxxooo Love, Nan

Beautiful

2010-04-16T18:14:00.008-04:00

I wish I could easily access my roof and get a better picture of this, if only. It was actually a double rainbow but was kind of hard to catch on the camera.

It goes to someone out there who knows who she is :) :) :) From me and my girls :)

I know I haven't been blogging much lately, but in no way does that mean I have stopped doing things for my baby girls. In fact I have been spending most of my time in the garden and staring at their tree, taking various pictures (couple hundred!). Below, we recently planted three new flowering perennials that are in the row closest to the grass.

We also had to plant something in the place of the azalea, as it did not make it through the winter unfortunately. It was a beautiful pink and white one that I have many pics of from last year. The new plant is a pink heather and it fits the area perfectly and will not take over the garden.

Here is another tree pic below. I love taking pictures of the tree from this perspective (my favorite perspective) looking up to Heaven. I even sometimes see shapes in the clouds, like an angel wing in this one.

And with the sun beaming through...

The tree still has pink blooms hanging on, but they have mostly been replaced with lots of bright green leaves and its so full and beautiful. The pink blooms are now making 'snow' on the ground. This garden was the perfect thing for me to honor my angels and spend time out there feeling the closest to them I can possibly get in that moment. I have lots of moments and places, but the garden is really helpful to stay positive and smile.

Do you have anything you like to do that reminds you the most of your angel(s) and makes you feel some presence and smile? I would love to hear it.

Sending out hugs xxx

Love, Nan

Awards and Stuff :)

2010-04-05T20:04:00.007-04:00

Here is the first award...

I am honored to accept the Beautiful Blogger Award from Deni @ Making Our Troxclair Family, and also from Shandrea @ Loving My Angels, from Kristin @ My Family of Three, and from Mary @ Our Angel Amiee. Thank you so much ladies, I am honored by each and every one of you, and I feel so incredibly humbled that so many find my blog creation for my babies as beautiful :-) xxxooo

Here are the rules for the award:

~Thank the person who nominated you and link to their blog.
~Copy the award and paste it to your blog.
~Tell us 7 interesting facts about yourself.
~Nominate 7 bloggers that you love and link to their blog.

So, 7 ‘interesting’ (I hope) facts about me...

1 ~ I grew up as a total tomboy with my best friend Aimee. We spent most of our childhood time walking around in the woods without shoes and looking for worms in the dirt, salamanders under rocks and crayfish in the creek. We even made a fishing pole with a stick, string and a paperclip shaped like a hook, and caught blue gills with it, believe it or not. I still like to go camping and fishing and do stuff that the boys like to do!

2 ~ I am a terrible dancer, but I like to try, especially after a glass of wine…or two.

3 ~ I had six toes on my left foot when I was born, it was an extra big toe and my parents had it removed when I was 8 months old.

4 ~ Mike and I met online in 2000, twas love at first sight J

5 ~ I have two dogs, three cats and three geckos, I’ve always been surrounded by animals my entire life.

6 ~ I can look at any room in my house and have some sort of reminder of my baby girls in Heaven (I place things that way). It assures me that I will never stop thinking about them and I love to add anything I find with three butterflies on it to the mix. Sometimes that includes a lot of impulse purchasing!

7 ~ I love to do laundry, my water bill shows it too…I need one of those energy efficient washers and dryers that hold 50 pairs of jeans J

And now 7 bloggers to be nominated (sorry if you have already!):

Jennifer @ The Blue Sparrow

Nicolle @ One who flys above and one who flutters within

Andrea @ Julia, Our Christmas Angel

Rachel @ Three Butterflies and a Monkey

Katy @ In Hannah’s Honor

Christy @ Almost a Mother

Nichole @ Our Journey for Another Blessing

Please visit each of their blogs and share some love!!

A the Second Award....

I am also honored to accept the Making Lemonade out of Lemons Award from Shandrea @ Loving My Angels. Thank you so much dear friend, you navigate this process with grace and a ray of sunshine and I am grateful for you.

Here are the award rules:

- Put the Lemonade logo on your blog or within your post.
- Nominate at least 10 blogs with great attitude or gratitude.
- Link the nominees within your post.
- Let the nominees know they have received this award by commenting on their blog.
- Share the love and link to the person from whom you received this award.

So, here's who I'd like to share this award with...

EVERYONE who reads this…as I feel we have all had to make the best of our horrible situations and are just trying to survive everyday without our babies. Feel free to take this award and post it on your blog :) (((HUGS)))

Now on to my other stuff :) ...

Michelle @ Missing Juanito dyed Easter Eggs for lots of our babies in Heaven. So sweet! Thank you so much for thinking of my precious girls :)

To my beautiful baby girls, this is from your Mom-Mom for Easter, she loves you so much:

(Butterflies Love My Garden)

And if you want to stare more at the tree – feel free – I know I do!! It feels and smells as pretty as it looks...I love it so much that I've taken almost a hundred pictures of it so far this Spring!

Love, Nan xxxooo

Love At First Bloom

2010-04-02T19:33:00.002-04:00

Thank you baby girls, we got the message....we love you xxxooo

Advice From A Tree

2010-03-27T10:56:00.005-04:00

First, see how pretty their tree is blooming so far :)

3-17-10 3-21-10

3-24-10

3-26-10

3-27-10

More Pics

Advice From A Tree:

Stand Tall and Proud
Sink your roots deeply into the Earth
Reflect the light of a greater source
Think long term
Go out on a limb
Remember your place among all living beings
Embrace with joy the changing seasons
For each yields its own abundance
The Energy and Birth of Spring
The Growth and Contentment of Summer
The Wisdom to let go of leaves in the Fall
The Rest and Quiet Renewal of Winter

Feel the wind and the sun
And delight in their presence
Look up at the moon that shines down upon you
And the mystery of the stars at night
Seek nourishment from the good things in life
Simple pleasures Earth, fresh air, light

Be content with your natural beauty
Drink plenty of water
Let your limbs sway and dance in the breezes
Be flexible
Remember your roots and

Enjoy the view!

~By Ilan Shamir

I thought that was cute, and I needed to find a little inspiration, hope you enjoyed.

Love, Nan xxxooo

Thinking of Hope, Adam and Charlie

2010-03-24T10:31:00.003-04:00

Happy First Heavenly Birthday sweet triplet angels. We all love you. xxxooo

I am honoured to know Kerry and Pete. Please send them some extra love today.

Comfort Prayer

2010-03-20T20:53:00.002-04:00

This weekend has proven to be a difficult one for many BLM's. I just wanted to send out a prayer to all of you. Thank you for always helping me get through the difficult days.

May you see the light in the darkness during these challenging times.

May you feel the loving presence of those who hold you in their thoughts and prayers.

May your spirit find what it needs to sustain you on this journey.

May you discover your inner strength and face all difficulties with dignity and grace.

May you be filled with comfort, love, strength, grace and a lasting sense of peace.

Love, Nan xxxooo

First Sign of Spring in our Garden!

2010-03-17T13:30:00.005-04:00

The above picture is the first peek of Spring coming up in the girls' garden :) It is the Hyacinth my Mom gave to us around Easter last year and it was one of the first plants we planted when starting the garden. I remember it having 3 pink blooms when we first got it, and that thought still makes me tear up, especially remembering how raw the pain was. Anyhow, we have had so much rain over the past weekend, that yesterday was the first day I was able to enjoy some warmth and sunshine. That is when I walked over to the babies garden and saw these first sprouts! There are also buds starting to grow on the babies tree, I cannot wait for it to bloom, it's going to be beautiful! I smiled and felt my girls all around me. Awesome, Awesome, Awesome!

The picture below shows three beautiful plant stakes with butterflies, which I received from a dear friend across seas in Sweden, Angie H. I was honored that she sent my girls a gift, something that she saw that reminded her of my babies...thank you sweet Angie!!! I will always have a place in our house that I can show them off :)

Below is a picture of the name plate for our tree. Not sure if you can click on it to enlarge it in a new window, but it's the best picture I have been able to take so far. Its so precious :)

Lastly, I wanted to share a simple technique I came across to try and make yourself feel good inside and out. Close your eyes, focus intensely on something that makes you happy (shutting out distractions) then smile for one minute straight, and feel your mood start to lift. I hope it works for some of you. It was hard not to start laughing a few seconds in, I think from the sheer thought of what I might have looked like :) But it helped, if only for a moment.

Love, Nan xxxooo

Our First Heavenly Birthday

2010-03-08T16:56:00.002-05:00

It was a beautiful day on Saturday, and I thank everyone for sending their thoughts, prayers, comments, gifts and love our way. It was a fairly difficult day with one major breakdown, but we made it through.

We received one last gift from our family today, it is a name plate for our tree. I wish I could take a good picture of it but everything reflects off of the light...I will keep trying. Thank you so much its beautiful!

Jessica, thank you for posting our babies birthday tribute on your site My Angel Day, and I noticed you did it exactly at midnight on their birthday....beautiful xxxooo

Everyone is also welcome to view our pictures from Saturday...I hope it helps someone somewhere if you need ideas on your special dates.

Love, Nan xxxooo

A week of rememberence

2010-03-05T17:05:00.006-05:00

A year ago today, I still had you with me, but I knew I was losing you. The hardest decision of our lives was made for tomorrow, and it still hurts thinking we had to choose me over you. I didn't sleep, I won't sleep. It still hurts losing you, and I will never ever get over it, or forget the tiniest details about you. I will never ever forget you my sweet precious angel girls, and neither will anyone else. We love you with all our heart xxxooo Mommy and Daddy

*********

Click here if you would like to see pictures of what we have done so far to prepare for tomorrow and some of the beautiful thoughtful gifts we have received from friends and family....love to you all, and thank you for remembering our baby girls tomorrow with us xxxooo Nan and Mike

A few thank yous, and a special introduction

2010-02-23T05:26:00.010-05:00

I am so grateful for finding such a wonderful and caring community of ladies with huge hearts. Whether it’s a simple “I’m thinking of you”, “hugs”, or sharing your experiences, I find it all so helpful and sweet. My last post about my girls’ first birthday has been weighing on my mind, and your suggestions and experiences were so sweet, so I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your comments. On writing our birth story, it helped to know that some have also been just like me, and that it was also helpful to know that others wrote it to help honor their angels by remembering the details. I am still torn on what to do, but I loved that most of you wrote, “do what you are comfortable with, and share whatever you want to share”, because yes, this road is different for everyone. I also wanted to note that I think that anyone sharing pictures of their angels is great, and that you can look at them any time you want is beautiful. I almost wish I could share, but it’s just what me and hubby decided to keep “for us” only, from the beginning of this difficult journey.

I wanted to thank Jennifer from The Blue Sparrow and Tina from Living Without Sophia and Ellie for their sweet remembrances of my babies on Valentines. They are so adorable! Hugs to both of you xxxxxxxx

From Tina

From Jennifer

My best friend of almost 35 years sent me this gorgeous pendant necklace with matching earrings, just thinking of me…she is the best and so so sweet. Thank you so much Aimee, I love it so much and know you are here for me whenever I need you!!! Someday I will have to scan a picture of us when we were silly little girls and post it! Here is a pic of the pendant:

I also recently received a beautiful ceramic cross from Nichole at Our Journey for Another Blessing http://kovalbabyjourney.blogspot.com/ (Please visit her, she is great!). Nichole told me she was in a store and saw this gorgeous cross and thought of me and my babies, and sent it pronto!!! I cried happy tears, and was so touched that my girls are in the hearts of many people. Thank you Nichole, it is up on the wall and I am looking at it as I type! I will cherish it forever xxx

Mike and I went to L.owes and I wanted to see if any flowers were around cause I needed a pick me up…and here is what we came home with:

It’s hard not to purchase these things, its money I would have spent (not near the amount) on my babies, had they been on this earth with us. I know it won’t bring them back, but I feel good surrounding myself with reminders of them, so I continue to do it and it makes me smile. Do what ya gotta do!!!

***

***

Ok, I am nervous typing this. If you notice the picture of the cross above from Nichole, it has four butterflies. What is the fourth butterfly for? Well you may have guessed or might already know, that we are expecting again. My special introduction is for our baby girl due in July. Her nickname is the grasshopper (thanks to Andrea!), and baby girl is now 19w6d gestation. We do not have a name for her yet. It is truly bittersweet, especially getting to this point in the pregnancy, because I lost my girls at 20w0d. So this is both an extremely happy time and a scared time for us. Really, this entire pregnancy has been that way so far, scared, but hopeful, which is why we waited this long to introduce her. Every day is a blessing, and we continue to try to enjoy her while we have her, and hope we hold her in our arms happy and healthy in July. I know her big sisters are smiling down on us. This may be one of the only times or few times I mention the grasshopper here, as this site is first and foremost my triplet angels’ site. I created another blog that I made private for a while to help get my thoughts out and to document this pregnancy, and the journey to get here. You are now welcome to follow Persevering To Become An Earthly Mommy if you wish.

Love to you all xxxxoooo

T Minus 16 Days...

2010-02-18T13:48:00.002-05:00

It's coming, I cannot stop it, if I could freeze time I would have frozen it a long time ago.

My baby girls' 1st Heavenly Birthday is coming, my one year without them in my arms. It's all I can think about.

Is it really here? Is it really coming around to being a year apart? Actually it feels more like a lifetime. It's all I can think about right now. I know what to do to 'help' the anxiety and depression, but it just eases the pain, doesn't cure it. I am making a list of things to do, and since I am anxious now, I have started doing those things on the list now. It's the only thing I know how to do, I guess its my way of being a Mom to them still. You know, that Mom I wanted to be so badly that I read, wrote and researched everything for how to handle three babies when they were going to be here on earth with us. Nothing in all of the reading I did prepared me for birthdays without them and I feel so naive about that. But I can tell you it does help to start doing these things now, keeping myself busy, and I am doing fairly well at the moment.

If anyone has any suggestions to add to my list on what they did or what they would do, please feel free to leave a comment. So far, I have the following (and this is just for hubby and I by the way):

1) Fill out birth certificates
2) Bought a new display urn, building a corner shelf to place it in our living room
3) Release 3 pink balloons with a note from Mommy and Daddy
4) Bake a butterfly cake and decorate it for them. (Bought a cute cake pan!)
5) Make butterfly chocolate molds
6) Donate real tissues to the hospital in honor of my babies
7) Light all of the candles I have for them together during the times they were born and passed.

I wish I could add to that list "write their birth story", but I am not sure I will ever write it, well, no more than what I wrote on my first ever post. It is too painful. I often wonder if other BLM's cannot write it on paper either. Just like their pictures, I guess some things I feel are just for Mike and I to have to ourselves. But the issue is that I cannot write it, so I guess I will continue to keep it in my head, locked away safely.

Well I appreciate any input, or even just a hello :) May love and light surround you. Nan xo

Covered in White

2010-02-11T08:01:00.002-05:00

We are truly blanketed in snow. If I were to walk out to the girls' garden, the snow would be up to my butt. I think another storm is coming on Monday! I like to think my girls are sending me a sign, as a while ago I related the weather elements to them :) I can still enjoy the garden and their tree covered in snow....but can you see it in the pic above? I have more pictures if you need a snow fix and do not have any where you live! Just click here. Just a silly thought, my snow angels are covered, if I did another three right now I think I would be under the snow LOL.

And just another shout out to try and bump up some activity/traffic to the men's grief forum. We have about 28 members, however no one really talks much...which I was hoping would help the guys open up. I hear so many women say they have a difficult time knowing what is going on with their hubby/partner, whether they are ok or not, and this place can still be their outlet. The goal is to try and get 100 members (guys only ofcourse), and then I would let it be what it is going to be. If you cannot get 100 guys to talk occasionally, then its going to be a tough road. Where else can I publicize this? The link to the forum is in blue on the right side of this page. Thanks for your support, and the support to the guys in your lives :)

Have a great day. Love, Nan xo

Snow Angels

2010-02-07T11:16:00.003-05:00

Thank you for everyone's support and comments yesterday and today (and always), it was nice to have everyone thinking of our girls with us :)

What we really did for their angelversary was in the above pic, but it was too late in the afternoon to take pictures yesterday and them actually come out. I did three snow angels for my angels and sent them up to the sky with love! It was perfect since we had over a foot of snow. I think we have another storm coming on Tuesday, which is the most snow we've had in a long time, we like it though.

Regarding the statue in my post yesterday, I was surfing the web for pictures of angel statues and this one came up almost immediately, so I stole it :) I only wish I had it in their garden as it is absolutely perfect (three little girl angels with wings, melts my heart), and if anyone ever sees anything like it please let me know cause I will have to buy it! Wish I was handy enough to make something like that.

If you want to see more pics you can click here.

Love to you all, have a nice Sunday, Nan xo

11 Month Angelversary

2010-02-06T18:00:00.006-05:00

Beautiful baby girls,

Missing you more everyday, and thinking about you always.

Love, Mommy and Daddy xoxoxo

A Little Piece of Paper

2010-02-04T19:01:00.003-05:00

I have been trying to find this little piece of paper for almost 11 months now. I asked hubby, "Where do you think it is, in your car?". He replies, "No I haven't seen it. Are you sure we have something like that?". So I was thinking I was crazy, that maybe in the craziness of delivery that maybe I imagined it happened. And then the other day, hubby placed a little piece of paper in front of me. My eyes lit up and tears welled. Handwritten was:

Shelby Lee - 10 oz
Megan Aimee - 8 oz
Lynne Barbara - 9 oz

Their weights. My precious girls. All of this time, I never remembered their weights and it's been torturing me. This also gave me clue to how long they were, exactly the same number as their weights 10", 8" and 9", Mike remembered clearly my SIL saying that.

Why do I need this info? 1) I just do. and 2) I am fortunate to have birth certificates that need filling out still, and I can finally include this info which I will do on their 1st birthday.

So there you have it. How some lady can be so neurotic about a piece of paper with 10 8 9 on it. I will forever have 10 8 9 in my head, forever. If that doesn't explain the mind of a bereaved Mother, I do not know what will! Tell you what though, I never knew I could love so hard and be this passionate about anything.

Feel free to share any neurotic thoughts here as they are most welcome!

Love, Nan xo

Decals

2010-01-28T18:39:00.004-05:00

Hi friends,

Our computer had a virus, so we have been offline for some time. I am now trying to catch up on the many wonderful blogs I follow, and it's taking a good bit of time. I have to admit though, having the break was kind of good for me, as we had some time to re-charge the ol' batteries and do some other things that were being put off. Such as applying the decals on my car that Mike got me for Xmas! We had a semi-warm day (50 and sunny) and decided it was a good day to do it...do you like?!

I also got to hang some ceramic tiles I found while out shopping one day...which pretty much sums up the way I want things to be for my baby girls in the heavenly clouds. God I miss them so much, it still tugs at my heart everyday, and I imagine that is the way it will always be. Anyway, I hung these in our bedroom and when I am sitting upright in my bed they are on the wall right in front of me. Sort of like when I go to sleep and when I wake in the morning, they are the last/first thing I see.

It feels like their 1st Birthday is coming up so quickly. Mike and I are trying to plan for some things to do, probably just between the two of us. I know it will be special, and that I will be trying my best to smile as I know they are smiling down at me. I also know it's important for me to start doing things the minute I start feeling any anxiety about it, as I've posted before.

That's all for now, going to go catch up on reading blogs! Love, Nan xo

Butterflies in Winter

2010-01-14T15:16:00.004-05:00

I wish there were butterflies in Winter, but here is the next best thing!

Hubby was walking through K.ohls the other day and brought me home these butterflies (yes he is as bad as me! anything butterflies!), and they have alligator clips on them so I can hang them on curtains, etc. Does anyone else have any sweet ideas you decorate your house with? I wonder what these clips would look like in my hair?! Well, we will never know, because I need my hair cut (yes, still from January 2009), and I am not showing how horrible it is looking these days! I usually wear it up anyhow :)

I would like to also express my sincere thanks for all of your uplifting and supportive comments from my last post. Obviously I was struggling, and you all came to my rescue, so thank you from the bottom of my heart. Do you still find yourself in the lowest of lows somedays? I find it is the anniversaries that hit me the hardest. I am so glad I found blogger world! Hugs to everyone! Find your butterflies in everything you do xoxoxo

Watching the clock

2010-01-06T00:01:00.002-05:00

I find myself here almost every month. I cannot stop counting.

12:01 am, the 6th, again. I cannot sleep, so I weep.

I weep for my babies, and for all of the other babies that I wish were here with the parents and families who are missing them.

10 months, really? I have nothing prepared to do. I have no signs I see. I so badly wanted three filled cribs. All of this hurt comes flooding back. Why? To remind me of how bad it hurts? I already live that, it's my reality everyday, especially when I walk past "their" door, next to mine. This day of each month is the hardest, and I need to remind myself that it's ok. It's ok to still grieve, it's ok to feel however I want to feel. I would like to share a post from Lea, which I found perfect rules to live by.

Missing you always baby girls. Maybe in the morning I will be more inspired and refreshed to think of something to do for you on your 10 month angelversary. Love you xo

Been A While

2009-12-30T19:02:00.015-05:00

I hope everyone got through the Holidays ok, I know they were especially rough over here. When your plans of having three red dresses with three red bows and three pairs of white leggings and three pairs of black patent leather shoes are completely crushed, and in their place are three empty stockings and memorial jewelry/stuff, one can't entirely say that they had a wonderful Xmas. I know almost all of you following here know the feeling, and I am so sorry. I am so sorry we have to endure life without our children and have to try to pick up the pieces of our broken hearts. I had many break-downs, but ultimately pulled it together as I always do.

But, I did not come here to update the blog with negativity, I wanted to share some pictures and just express that if you were/are depressed over the Holidays, that you are definitely not alone. I had received some lovely ornaments and gifts from friends and family I want to share. As always, you can follow my picture link on the right side of the page if you want to see more pictures!

The following pictures are of the girls' ornaments on the tree. Mike picked out the initials, the butterflies are from my SIL Cheri, and the soft white angel wings are from Andrea. Thank you everyone, they made a perfect addition to our tree and will continue to do so every year! And everyone who saw them loved them. Love to you all xo

We decided to hang the girls' stockings with ours, and every year we will add something new to them, such as charms or another felt cutout like the ones of the pink butterflies in the pictures.

This is a picture of the weekend before Xmas, we had a 20 inch snowstorm and the snow was accumulating on our window, and you can sort-of see the girls' tree in the background.

I received this beautiful crystal heart engraved with a beautiful poem which includes our baby girls' names engraved in it from sweet Shandrea. I cannot believe that she did such a sweet, special and personal thing for us, and hubby loved it too. Shandrea, you already know how I feel, and I just want to keep letting you know how much I appreciate you. One can only learn from your grace. Love to you xo

I received two necklaces I wish I could wear all of them all of the time! The three angel wings are from Deni, and they arrived on Xmas Eve and put a great smile on my face. I wore it with pride and played with the wings the entire night. The other necklace is from our neighbor Gorna, who told me when she saw this necklace it called out to her saying "this is Nan". I thank you both from the bottom of my heart. Nothing makes me happier than to see my angels remembered, and I can wear something that honors them. Love to you both xo

These are a few things I received from Mike and my stepson. The butterflies with the girls' names on them are decals that will go on my car window. I love this idea! Mike and I saw these sunglasses and he picked them up and put them in my stocking :) Then there is a bracelet with butterflies that wrap around my entire wrist. I also received a ring with matching earrings that I bawled my eyes out when I received them. So beautiful.

To my hubby, I love that you honor our girls and will never forget them with me. I can't measure in words how much that means to me. I love you. xo

To my baby girls, I wish I didn't have such a hard time and I wish I was able to be more positive over the Holidays, but I was and I am missing you terribly. As tears flow writing this, I promise I will honor your lives forever and will always remain your loving Mommy. I know in my heart that I will hold you in Heaven someday. I miss you and I love you. xoxoxo

Love, Nan xo

9 Month Angelversary 12-6-09

2009-12-07T20:33:00.004-05:00

I cannot believe we have been apart for 9 months. It still makes me cry, it still makes me long for my baby girls to be with us and want to feel the chaos and love we had been preparing ourselves for with 3 babies. The angel figures above are from my Mom, she remembered yesterday and I was truly touched. I guess it can feel like sometimes that everyone has moved on with their lives, and then out of the blue I am reminded that many grieve for my girls too and will never forget them. I cry happy tears as my girls will never be forgotten. I also received three glass butterfly ornaments from my SIL, and when they have the girl's names painted on them and are displayed on our tree, I will share on here.

On another note, I wanted to introduce two babylost Moms who are new to blogging in this beautiful community. They are near and dear to me and have provided me with great support. Kindly send them your empathies if you can, and show what this wonderful community of women can do to help and support others. I stand here a proud Mom of angels and know I would not be standing on two feet without everyone's help. Love to you all. Nan xoxox

Please visit: Shandrea's blog and Deni's blog

xoxoxoxxoxoxox

Not Black Friday...Rather, A Beautiful Friday

2009-12-03T13:16:00.003-05:00

The day after Thankgiving in the States....crazy for some, rushing out to the stores and standing in lines as long as a parking lot. For others, well, they decide to skip all of that and have a different kind of day.

In our case, we had the honor of meeting another babylost couple who had also lost their triplets in the same month we lost our girls. Pete and Kerry are the first babylost parents we have ever met, and it was truly an amazing experience. From the first moment of hugging them to pieces at hello, until we parted later, I felt as though I knew these two all of my life. They are adorable and sweet and very tall (hehe). Ofcourse, I am very short so it was funny :)

It was a cold and blustery day and we had planned a balloon release. So we drove over to a local park and held onto our six balloons really tight and took a few pictures. I think if it wasn't so cold and windy we would have stayed a little longer and reflected, but believe me it was cold! So we then decided to go to lunch and just sat there talking for hours. It's a good thing the place wasn't busy or they would have been kicking us out for the table LOL. We just could not stop talking, and I had a few tears but mostly smiles, and it was amazing. All in all, a beautiful day, better than I could have imagined.

Kerry and Pete, thank you for visiting us and we just adore you both. Thank you for making it such a special day with us as we honored our babies together. You are both beautiful inside and out.

Love, Nan xoxo

It's not easy, but I'll make it through, again

2009-11-25T20:47:00.007-05:00

And so it is again, another Holiday without our babies that we trudge through. It's hard to be thankful when you've lost three children suddenly in one day. But, I must say I am thankful for the time I had with my girls, for the 5 months I got to watch and feel them thrive and grow with me, and for what this whole process has opened my eyes to because I know I will be a better more appreciative Mom when I have angels on earth. There are so many of us out there, way too many, but we all support eachother in a world we would have never known about unless we'd not been through the loss of a child. Crappy way to meet, I know. But I am thankful for all of you and for the people who support us IRL too. My girls brought me you :) I hope you can find peace while getting through Thanksgiving (whether you are celebrating it or not), and remember what a blessing it was to carry a baby or babies and know our angels are watching over us always.

Love, Nan xo

Bunch of Updates

2009-11-19T18:48:00.005-05:00

I have been a bad blogger. And even though its only been about a week since I wrote, a lot has happened. So this is a post to catch up on everything.

First, below you will see a beautiful picture from a great friend Andrea, who walked out to her sunny garden last weekend and thought of my girls instantly! I was so happy to see this sign they sent her :) It is three pink roses and two grasshoppers hanging out with them! Grasshoppers for future earthly children???!!! Thanks Andrea, Love to you xxoo Please visit her blog!!!

Next is a beautiful and thoughtful picture I received from Holly at Caring for Carleigh earlier this week. I was so happy again to see that someone else thought of my girls, it was so incredibly thoughtful. Holly did a bunch of names I don't know how she did them all! You are a sweet soul Holly, thank you. I will repay you one day :)

Ok, I lied, I thought the yellow mystery flower was my last flower, but the clematis jumped back in to the race again :) We have had strange weather, warm, cold, warm, cold, so the plants and flowers aren't sure what to do. But the girls' tree has shed all of her leaves, ready for winter.

Neat story. This next pic is of a pin my Mom gave me over last weekend. On the weekend of the girls' 8 month angelversary, I had been looking for something to find, looking for signs like I always do. I decided to look for a butterfly pin. While out with my Mom, I couldn't find anything. Then the next weekend, she came over and told me that in one of her jacket pockets, she found this pin, and doesn't know where she got it from...but she remembered I was looking for one, so she gave me that as my sign :) Thanks Mommy - love you always xxoo Thank God for Moms.

I missed this day on Tuesday, but wanted to post about its importance. It doesn't matter what day it is, it's still important to get the word out and get everyone educated and involved in something that should not be happening in this world. Please pass on this message and it can be any day of the year. Thinking of all of the babies in Heaven and all of the parents who grieve for them everyday.

Lastly, but certainly not least, a dear friend Jessica is trying to do angel dedications for those of you that are interested. She is just trying to give something back to the beautiful community of babylost parents. Her site is called To Always Remember, and she has instructions and contact info on there if you want to do something to remember your angel(s). Please be advised that there are pictures of angel babies on there, just in case you aren't able to handle the visual emotional triggers. And to honor your angel on her site, you do not have to have a picture of your angel baby on there, it can be footprints, or a favorite picture of a butterfly, etc. Jessica is a sweet Mom to both earthly and heavenly children, whom I admire greatly.

I think that's all for now. Thanks for supporting any of the blogs I mention above :)

Love to all xxoo Nan

One Day At A Time

2009-11-12T19:10:00.005-05:00

I have been trying read more inspirational and healing writings in the past month. I came across one that has helped me, and I just wanted to share. I hope it helps someone that might be struggling:

There are two days in every week about which we should not worry, two days which should be kept free from fear and apprehension.

One of these days is yesterday, with its mistakes and cares, its faults and blunders, its aches and pains. Yesterday has passed forever beyond our control. All the money in the world cannot bring back yesterday. We cannot undo a single act we performed. We cannot erase a single word we said. Yesterday is gone!!

The other day we should not worry about is tomorrow, with its possible adversities, its burdens, its large promise and poor performance. Tomorrow is beyond our immediate control. Tomorrow’s sun will rise, whether in splendor or behind a mask of clouds. But it will rise. Until it does we have no stake in tomorrow, for it is yet unborn.

This leaves only one day: Today.

Any man can fight the battles of just one day. It is when you and I add the burdens of two awful eternities – yesterday and tomorrow, that we break down.

It is not necessarily the experience of today that disturbs one’s peace of mind. It is often time the bitterness for something which happened yesterday and the dread of what tomorrow may bring. Let us therefore live one day at a time.

~ Author Unknown

On another note, things are well and I have embraced the spirit of my girls everyday, and it feels so good :)

Love to you, Nan xo

Varying Stages of Grief...

2009-11-05T04:18:00.004-05:00

So, "apparently" (says the therapist), my most recent stage I experienced was anger. Pretty much why I haven't been on here lately, as I try to never be angry on my girls' site. But I do like to share things I find informative, just in case it helps another babylost momma out there somewhere.

I had two dream interpretations...one determined that I am angry for not being in control of anything (would rather not share that dream - disturbing and graphic); the second was about a child who stole my cell phone and wouldn't return it back to me, so I spanked him....this interpreted to something about me being angry for taking my children away from me. Who thinks like that? Who am I? Why did I spank someone's kid I don't even know? I wouldn't spank anyone it doesn't solve anything!! Why must we go through these stages over and over again, haven't we been through enough? This wasn't me before, but it is me now.

I go through my day to day, muddling through, putting on the smile, trying not to show any signs of reverting back as people just don't want to see it, they want to see us happy again, and I get that, I do. I know with more time it gets a little easier, but I will go through these varying stages of grief for the rest of my life, probably with a little more ease eventually. Not everyone seems to understand that this is forever....I will be 70 someday and will cry for my girls. In fact, tomorrow is my 8 months without them, and right now I feel like I will count every 6th of the month forever. Maybe I can do something to honor them to help jump the hurdle of anger, as I haven't done much lately in the cold weather. The thing is, I mentally feel fine right now (except for a head cold), but right when I least expect it, I feel mad about something.

I don't like any of the stages of grief, but anger is probably the worst for me, as it projects on the people around me...I can't help who gets hit (spanked, rather!), but I can keep helping myself to get through it. With the help of this community of beautiful women and with the support of family and friends, it will get a little better, day by day. Thanks for bearing with me...on to the next...

Anyone else have similar experiences with anger? It feels like there is a bit of a dark cloud above many of us, I am praying it lifts real soon. HUGS!!!!!!!!

Love, Nan xoxoxo

The Last Flower

2009-10-27T19:17:00.004-04:00

This is for all of you that read my blog! For reading about my girls, for supporting me on good and bad days, for getting through your own struggles and still reaching out, for virtual hugs on sad days, and for just being you. From my angel girls to you and your angels, the last flower of the season from their garden (with a little ladybug on it!):

Love, Nan xo

PS - you can see more pics here!

Hot and Cold

2009-10-24T20:23:00.004-04:00

We have had some erractic weather where we live, and Fall is slowly but surely setting in. Ultimately, the gardening season is over, I've spent alot of money on memorial things and quite honestly I'm having trouble trying to find the next things I want to do to honor our girls. It's hard because short of wanting and affording an atrium in my house (ha ha), not to mention having to build that and make a cathedral ceiling that I do not currently have (never gonna happen), my gardening is on hold. My flowers are on hold, and my picture taking is on hold. So I can't even do a few pictures for babylost moms, my little side project I was trying to do from my girls garden. So, what can I do? I thought about learning how to knit, or hitting the craft store to see if anything strikes me as a project for them, I am not that crafty. I will probably come up with something, but for now, it's hard to have stopped all of what I worked so hard on. It was my little piece of alone time to feel their presence and remember them. I'll share if I come up with something new. Love, Nan xo

Remembering All Angel Babies

2009-10-15T20:34:00.004-04:00

Thinking of all of the babylost parents out there, you are all in my thoughts and prayers, and these candles are for your angels also.

I spent the evening with my sister and my two nieces, they joined me to light the candles. I wept for my baby girls before they got here, but felt a calm over me when they arrived. It was nice to have their company, thank you so much for being here! I love you.

You can see more pictures here.

Lots of love, Nan xo

To my ^angel girls^, you are always in my heart and mind, always. Love, Mommy xoxoxo

Mystery Flower!

2009-10-12T21:37:00.002-04:00

Is this a sunflower??? I didn't order a sunflower but I think I got one when I first planted the babies' garden...how cool!!! Does anyone know? I have been waiting to see what this was going to be since May!!!

Wave of Light ~ October 15th

2009-10-12T10:21:00.008-04:00

October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.

Honor your angel(s) as well as others, these statistics are staggering.

American Pregnancy:

There are approximately 6 million pregnancies every year throughout the United States:

4,058,000 live births

1,995,840 pregnancy losses

American Pregnancy Loss:

Every year in the United States there are approximately 2 million women who experience pregnancy loss:

600,000 women experience pregnancy loss through miscarriage

1,200,000 women experience pregnancy loss through termination

64,000 women experience pregnancy loss through ectopic pregnancy

6,000 women experience pregnancy loss through molar pregnancies

26,000 women experience pregnancy loss through stillbirth

Pregnancy Complications:

Every year in the United States:

875,000 woman experience one or more pregnancy complications

458,952 babies are born to mothers without adequate prenatal care

467,201 babies are born prematurely

307,030 babies are born with Low Birth Weight

154,051 children are born with Birth Defects

27,864 infants die before their first birthday

Statistics sited from:http://www.americanpregnancy.org/main/statistics.html

7 Month Angelversary

2009-10-06T19:44:00.006-04:00

To My Dearest Angel Girls,

I stumbled across this poem today and it made me cry happy tears to think of you thinking of me. Love, Mommy xo

Angel Whispers

Dear Mommy,
Before we said our first hello, the time had already passed.
For when you held us in your arms, We had gone to heaven to rest.
We felt angelic tears down our cheeks, and watched you as you wept.
We wish we could have changed it all, Your tears touched our souls so deep.
But Mommy when you are sad, please be assured we know.
For death cannot take away your love, it will only continue to grow.
Time and distance cannot erase, a love and bond so deep.
There is no bond that can compare, and in your heart we'll keep.
When you are feeling far away, and missing us so much,
close your eyes and feel our wings, there soft and gentle touch.
Or at night as you sleep, we'll join you in a dream.
You will see us standing close to you, and we'll be lost within our wings.
So dear Mommy , as you go from day to day.
Find comfort in the knowledge, We are never that far away.

~ Author Unknown

Latest Garden Addition

2009-10-01T18:09:00.008-04:00

We found another awesome garden trinket with a butterfly on it! Thanks H.ome D.epot :) I will probably bring it in for the cold weather, as it actually attaches to the garden hose and sprinkles out water from the rim. Wouldn't want it to freeze and/or shatter. There were also some very pretty fall hanging planters that I decided would brighten up the garden a bit more. Alot of the flowers are not blooming anymore, except for one. I dont know exactly what it's going to look like, and I can't remember the name of it, but here is a close up:

I am glad I get to enjoy the girls' garden still. Soon everything will be "protected" (hopefully with a blanket made of snow!).

Another thing I wanted to mention, is that the Forum for Grieving Dads, has 21 members now since June - YAY! Although it's strange, no one is talking right now...so I suppose it has gone stale for a while, but I hope it picks up again soon, since men need support too!

OK, thats all, just a short update for now!

Love, Nan xo

Their Tree

2009-09-26T06:49:00.003-04:00

She is beautiful, and I refer to the tree as a "she" because she is graceful, pretty and her branches lean over almost protecting the earth around her. Protecting my angels. She is getting ready to winterize herself as the leaves are slightly turning colors. Protecting herself from the cold of Fall and Winter to come. Sound familiar to anyone? It is us, the babylost Mom world that I never knew about, and now know all too well. This garden has taught me many things, most of all patience. Earlier this Summer I was afraid of anticipating the tree losing her leaves. Now I look at it as a form of protection and it brings me to a better place, easier to "see".

On a separate note, why is it still so hard to hear of others' joy for their pregancies IRL? I want to run and hide whenever I hear anything related to baby clothes, birthing stories or even see newborns? Such a crappy feeling. Guess I am getting ready to shed my own leaves and protect myself too.

Hugs to all, Nan xo

For once, all is quiet

2009-09-20T20:13:00.003-04:00

I think today I finally exhaled. Has anyone else felt like they have been holding their breath for months on end? It was so peaceful and the weather was so comfortable I actually took a nap this afternoon, first one in months. Not much to update except my sis in law is doing well after surgery, I knew angels were watching over her keeping her safe :) And the picture of the rose above is a present from my Mom for our Anniversary, so pretty, I planted it in the girls' garden! I took some garden pics, did some pruning, feel free to see them here.

Hope you all find a day where you can exhale too, even for a little while. Love, Nan xo

Friendship Award!

2009-09-16T19:10:00.005-04:00

Lea at Nicholas' Touch has passed on a very special Friend Award to me. I am honored to accept such a sweet gesture, thank you Lea! You have done so much for me and helped me get by on good and bad days, and I don't know how to repay you! Hugs!!

This award is bestowed on to blogs that are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to six bloggers who must choose six more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award.

OK, so six bloggers is really hard to choose, but it's the rules I suppose. Just know that all of you that visit, read and comment here are in my heart forever, and I wouldn't be where I am without your support. Love, Nan

Bree at My Baby Butterfly Ella

Christy at Almost a Mother

Steph at The New Normal

Kerry at Making Coyne

Tina at Living Without Sophia and Ellie

Deb at For Your Tears

Back from the Bay

2009-09-15T13:01:00.008-04:00

Had a really nice time with hubby and the dogs down the shore. I must admit, this writing names in the sand is serious business (LOL), it is ALOT harder than it appears! I had my footprints in every picture and just when I was getting ready to take a pic the bay would wash it away and I would miss it and write them over again. So I will not be quitting my day job. I give Carly ALOT of credit!

We went shopping for a bit on Saturday and I saw signs of my girls everywhere we went. I had been to all of these shops before and never noticed how many butterfly gadgets there were to purchase. We could have gone bankrupt! We did buy a few things and I finally found the perfect flag holder for my "Look for the small miracles" flag (in pic link at the bottom)! Below is also one of the "signs" I got, the stone has three butterflies and a lovely saying for their garden (had to get it). I hold this near and dear to my heart.

Other than that, it is good to be home, and now we are gearing up to help my sis in law and brother and family get ready for her surgery tomorrow.

If you would like to see pics from our weekend and more of our garden, click here and here.

Love, Nan xo

Last weekend

2009-09-09T21:00:00.007-04:00

Who is driving this truck? Well, they aren't driving, but they are hanging out staying out of trouble (sort of)! It's two of our pups and our friends pup also, I love this pic. We decided to go camping last weekend and had a pretty good time, besides sleeping on the hard ground and waking up stiff as a board!

I was really bummed out on Sunday though, as it was our girls' 6 month angelversary and I had done nothing like I have been doing every 6th of each month. There was really nothing I could do up there, except keep them on my mind and have them in my heart, as always. A wonderful dear friend told me that "I do something for them every minute of every day...that I LOVE THEM and that is all I need to do, and to remember, I take them every where I go, in my heart they forever will be". I did see a few butterflies flying around the wildflowers which was soothing.

So this upcoming weekend, I think we are heading down the shore and maybe I can try my luck at writing their names in the sands of Cape May, New Jersey's Delaware Bay side. It is a lovely place where the ferries come by and the dolphins swim without a care in the world. If I can't do that, I plan on finding something, and I know something will catch my eye, I just know it. Mike and I will be celebrating our 4th wedding anniversary so we intend on having a nice relaxing time down there and just being together doing whatever our hearts desire.

Wishing everyone well today and always.

Love, Nan xo

OK, I'm Not The Only One

2009-09-04T17:03:00.004-04:00

There is alot of confusion around here. My Lilacs want to bloom again. The babies' cherry tree wanted to bloom again too a few weeks ago...I love it! This means I am not the only confused and scattered one around here! It is pretty though!

Had a better day today, thanks for any and all prayers said on my behalf :) Going to get away to somewhere this weekend so I hope everyone enjoys the holiday weekend. Here are some garden pics. Stay safe. Love Nan xoxo

Mixed Bag of Emotions

2009-09-03T20:33:00.003-04:00

Monday, grumpy.

Tuesday, happy.

Wednesday, so-so.

Thursday, angry and sad.

I feel like I have a full menu of emotions for the week. Hmmm...what should I make with dinner tonight hon? A side of happy or a side of pissed off? What is up? Why do I feel so on and off and hot and cold? All I can think that it might be is that 6 months is coming up....6 months. Is that it? Am I preparing to protect myself from it? Why anyone has to live like this when things were just FINE before, is beyond me. I also have many bereaved parents on my radar, I know their sadness can weigh heavy on the mind as well. So so sad. I pray for tomorrow to be a good day.

Honest Scrap

2009-09-01T20:55:00.004-04:00

I have been nominated for the honest scrap award by Christy, Steph and Bree, thank you girls, I feel very loved! There are some rules to accept this award. You must pass the award on to 7 other bloggers and then list 10 honest and hopefully interesting things about yourself.

1) I have watched every single season of the show Survivor. I do not remember all of them, but I get really into it. Why?!

2) I was born with six toes on my left foot, it was an extra big toe. I have five toes now, but the shape is a little “off” and there is a scar, due to the removal of it at 8 months old in 1975.

3) I have lived outside of Philly all of my life, except when I had an opportunity to move away for a few years to Reno, NV and then central Florida. I missed my family too much so I live outside of Philly again.

4) Hubby and I met online in 2000, and the rest was history! We grew up in the same area, hung out at all of the same places, but never crossed paths until matchmaker.com hooked us up. He jokes and says he paid $9.99 for me cause he had to subscribe to get my message to him…LOL.

5) I really don’t write out every feeling I have on this site, I hold back alot because this is my angels’ site, and its where I want to honor them. My new blog will have a whole other tone, you’ll see….soon.

6) I think I snore. Ill never know. I don’t want to know!

7) I am scared as hell to TTC again, but I know I want to try.

8) PMS has been way worse after our loss, I’ve never felt as bitchy as I do now-a-days right before AF…anyone else? I never used to be that way.

9) Our dogs sleep on the bed with us, and an occasional cat, and they take up so much space that we are almost hanging off our king size bed.

10) I am watching Wayne’s World while I am typing this, I loved this movie back in the day! Scary that it was made 17 years ago.

Hope you enjoyed!

Here are the new nominees (sorry if you were previously picked!):

Ashley @ http://mackenziesmama.blogspot.com/
Jennifer @ http://delekatala.blogspot.com/
Angie @ http://angietabaczynski.blogspot.com/
Emma @ http://aksapphire.blogspot.com/
Brenna @ http://therealbean.blogspot.com/
Shannon @ http://mactwins.blogspot.com/
Rachel @ http://themcconathys.blogspot.com/

Nan xo

Random Thoughts

2009-08-28T10:49:00.002-04:00

This post is going to be a bunch of random thoughts. I have so much in my head and not an easy way to get it all out, my head is pretty much unorganized at the moment. Due partly to PMS I suppose, AF is due any day now.

I can't believe our six month angelversary is fast approaching.

I miss my girls, a whole lot, that is obvious. Throughout each day, the delivery part of our story comes to visit my thoughts. I do not know why I cannot get this to stop from entering my mind so much. I want to write it down, I know it will help, but I also know its still too painful to write. In the same breath, I feel more a peace with knowing the girls are in Heaven and playing in the clouds with other angels, with the saying I have heard many times that they were "too beautiful for earth". I recently was also told another saying that felt very comforting, that I should believe that God will return the children he has called away from us someday. I think we are deserving of that, at the least. We are good people, and we will appreciate any blessing that falls into our lives.

I had a shrink appointment last night, she feels I am doing much better, and we talked about TTC again. She stayed mostly neutral about it, but knows that I know the difference now that if we try again, that I will not be replacing the girls, we will be adding to the family. Honestly I have felt like that for quite some time now, it just took a while to talk about it in therapy. With that said, I have made a new blog that I have not yet opened to anyone yet. I will eventually. It's going to be for the next IVF attempt we go on, and my thoughts and feelings on it. I did not think it would be what I wanted to talk about on this site, where I am (mostly) trying to honor our angel girls, but the occassional post (such as this) comes out. So I think I need a separate place for the rants I may have! I will keep everyone posted when I open it if you are interested in following it. I feel like I need to keep alot of this to myself for now.

Our 4th wedding anniversary is coming up on 9-17 and we are trying to do something special for ourselves. We were trying to plan a honeymoon that we never got to take, but we are going to have to postpone it once again. We will still do something special, just not the honeymoon we wanted...definitely in another couple years! I cant believe September is already around the corner, this year has flown by.

Last but certainly not least, I am asking for prayers for my sister in law. She is going to be having brain surgery to remove a non-cancerous tumor that keeps growing. Her surgery is 9/16 and she can use all of the support she can get. I know my angels will protect her and watch over her, as she was there for them the entire delivery and watched over them and took care of them.

Love and light to everyone. Nan xo

Thank you

2009-08-23T12:50:00.003-04:00

Just want to say a big thank you to all of the people that read our blog and/or comment with all of your support. You have no idea how much finding this way of healing has meant to me so far. The path to the future looks a little bit brighter each and every day, with ofcourse the occasional setbacks. I am grateful there have been fewer bad days as of late.

All of you are always in my prayers.

Love, Nan xo

No Wonder My Back Hurt?!

2009-08-19T18:53:00.004-04:00

I have had back pain for over a year, and never did anything about it, until now. Now I will go through the motions to treat mild levoscoliosis. I apparently have been making my body compensate from the time it started, which makes it worse. Sure, the contributing factors were:

1) That I gained 30 pounds in a matter of 20 weeks with the girls
2) That I was measuring as if I had a full term singleton in my belly
3) That I ignored the pain and thought it was all in my head

I always wondered if I my back pain masked the contractions and back labor I didn't know I was having. Not once did I ever feel a belly contraction, it was all in my back. Everyone tries to tell me that the reason my mucous plug came out was 'probably' because Shelby's sac ruptured, and that there was nothing I could do, but I will never know.

Hopefully by the time we TTC again, I will be good as new, and able to know the back labor signs (probably not!).

Despite the way this post sounds, I am actually doing ok. I am enjoying the girls' garden everyday, trying to start making some flower pictures for angels with the new blooms I find in the garden, and working like mad (at work of course).

Hope everyone is having a good week, we are half way to the weekend....woo hoo!

Love, Nan xo

Lazy Sunday

2009-08-16T18:56:00.006-04:00

GARDEN PROGRESS: The babies garden is growing nicely, and I have 5 out of 6 clematis climbing the fence slowly but surely. I can't wait to see it next year with flowers (hopefully). I took alot of pictures this weekend of the garden, it was calming to hang out there for most of my time.

BACKYARD PESTS: So we have these hornet-like insects invading our back and side yard, they are called Cicada Killers. They last from 4 to 6 weeks and kill the cicadas, where they then take them into their burrows underground, and they are very intimidating. The males do not have stingers, but the females do and they are twice the size of the males. They "say" the sting is not that bad, I for one do not want to find out, so I am avoiding the pool and have become prisoner of my own house! Thankfully they are not burrowing near the babies garden, or I would be going evil on them. Although I have been known to take out a "couple" pots of boiling water, which ensures the eggs won't hatch next year. Why do they like my yard? I do not see them in anyone else's except our neighbor across the street. We had them last year too. Grrr...

ABOUT AN ONLINE FRIEND STEPH: I did not ask her permission to write about her, but now that she has started a blog (YAY!), it's public so.....Steph, hope you aren't upset that I am writing about you! Here's the thing, I used to be on a forum for pregnant mommys of multiples, although I had not talked her on there. I went back to it after I lost the girls to inform everyone that we didn't make it. The outpour of support was amazing, and one of the ladies put out there that another Mom had lost her triplets too. Well, Steph had read it, and she emiled me right away, ready to offer support and that she knew what I had been through when my grief was still so very raw. She was the first person to really reach out to me, babylost triplet Mom to babylost triplet Mom, and I have always appreciated that, so so much. Since then we have become good friends, it stinks that she lives 3,000 miles away, I want to give her a hug. I am glad that she has an earthly child to love, I think it really helped her to get back on her feet, to be there for her little girl. She is an amazing and sweet soul. Please everyone, send her some love, k? Visit her here: http://thenewnormal08.blogspot.com/

RANDOM STUFF: Other than that, I have not been in the nursery for some time now, not sure why. Maybe I am afraid to break down again, after having a nice long streak of more happy days now. Almost every other night before I go to bed, I keep re-playing the delivery over and over in my head, I cannot stop my mind from wandering there. Maybe someday I will understand it, but the more I read on PPROM, I feel like I should have tried to wait it out more. I read this stuff now so I can be more informed for our next pregnancy, some day. Does anyone else find themselves on problem pregnancy sites to try and figure out how to keep the same thing from hapening again? Just still so darn frustrated with the way our OB office handled me. The what ifs...oh I do not like those, but again, hard to stop from entering your mind. Oh well.

Hope everyone has a good week, think happy thoughts, right?!

Love, Nan xo

Full of Charm

2009-08-14T18:01:00.004-04:00

A new dear friend of mine, Tina, has sent me a beautiful charm necklace pendent with our girls' names on it, along with a beautiful note. She has three dots between the girls' names, and room to add more childrens names for the future (so sweet!). It's absolutely beautiful and made with lots of love. She is doing incredible work to help bereaved parents remember their angels with memorial jewelry, and she does it also to help honor her twin angels in Heaven. If you want to see her collection, you can click here. Thank you so much Tina!!! Here are some pictures of it:

Sending sunshine to everyone. Love, Nan xo

New Blooms 8-8-09

2009-08-08T10:19:00.004-04:00

I love love love waking up to new blooms in the girls' garden! I think I have a ritual now, where I wake up, walk out to the kitchen to make coffee, and while at the sink filling up the coffee pot with water, I look out the window to the garden to see if anything is going on and say 'good morning' to my angels. I like that ritual. Now I wish Winter would skip us this year, so I can enjoy the garden year round, but for now I will enjoy and have a pretty garden for our girls until it gets cold in a few months.

So I went out to take a few pics this morning and one of our three kitties was swirling around my feet out in the garden, we call her mountain kitty (formal name Chloe) because we found her up in the mountains as a baby and brought her home. She is so independent, and only comes to you when she wants to, so she decided to come hang with me while taking pictures.

The puppy dog was hanging out too, behind the fence ofcourse :)

Here are just a few other pics: http://picasaweb.google.com/nancywithtriplets/GardenProgress8809#

Hope everyone has a happy Saturday. Love, Nan xo

5 Month Angelversary - Update!!!

2009-08-06T20:02:00.002-04:00

I know I just posted, but I just got another cool sign from my girls and I had to share! Maybe they know I am thinking of them?! I went out to water their garden and noticed that the tree has one branch that has three blooms coming out! Not sure if you can see the third bloom (closer to the top of the pic), as the flower has not emerged yet, but two have. I don't think this tree is supposed to re-bloom, how cool?!! YAY baby girls :) I hear you. xoxoxoxo

PS...it is also a full moon tonight, so when I look up to the sky tonight, I will think of all of the bereaved parents looking at the same moon and I am holding your hands, we are all together. Much love.

5 Month Angelversary

2009-08-06T18:13:00.002-04:00

Today wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but it was still on my mind at a constant pace. I thought about our girls probably 100 times throughout the day, or more. Work poses alot of distraction, but not enough to keep my mind from running away. The sadness of thinking about them is slowly starting turn to happier thoughts of where they are. It definitely takes alot of time and effort to get to a "better place" after the loss of a child or children. I imagine every month will be an angelversary, and then maybe eventually it will be every six months and then maybe every year, who knows. It's different for everyone. I visit the garden every day, look for more blooming flowers or think about what I want to plant next or when I am going to get myself to go buy mulch or look for butterflies (just one so far), cause it just feels good to devote that time to them. This weekend we will do more in the garden, stay tuned :)

Just missing you baby girls, I still can't believe you were three girls and how much fun we would have had on earth. Til' we meet in Heaven. Love Mommy xo

Summer Bloomers

2009-08-04T20:19:00.003-04:00

If you have been following my blog for some time, you know that I ordered some plants for the girls' garden, and they were so so tiny when I got them in May. Now, they are starting to take over and I think I planted them wrong (space-wise)! I read on each package so so carefully, space 12 inches, space 24 inches, this one gets 24 inches high, this one gets 4 feet high...well I must have been high...LOL, j/k of course. It still looks good, its just that now they are really flourishing and going all over the place! I sometimes imagine my girls are with me and they are about 4 years old (in my thoughts), and think that they too would have been all over the place, so I really can relate, grow and learn from this beautiful garden. I can't wait to keep adding more things, even if I plant them incorrectly! Soon.

Pics: http://picasaweb.google.com/nancywithtriplets/GardenProgress8409#

More pics: http://picasaweb.google.com/nancywithtriplets/GardenPictures73109#

Love, Nan xo

Triplet Butterfly Release

2009-08-02T13:15:00.006-04:00

Rachel does it again! We sent her a small donation to help pay for shipping and supplies of the wraps, and this is what she does in return for us (she can't stop helping, bless her beautiful soul!). She has a beautiful garden set-up and alot of butterflies come to visit her there and lay their eggs. She had six emerge on Friday and the first three were girls, meant to be for our girls! How cool is that? Thank you Rachel!!! She sent me lots of pics - you can see them here:

http://picasaweb.google.com/nancywithtriplets/RachelsButterflyReleaseForOurGirls8109#

If you wish to send a donation to her and have a beautiful butterfly released in your angel(s) honor please click here. She has many options available!

The wraps Rachel sent us were brought to our hospital via my sister in law Barbara, I could not deliver them myself. She works there, and is the angel on earth who ultimately delivered our girls with the docs. Thank you so much for doing that for us Barbara, this is just another reason why you are near and dear to my heart. Love you.

Love to all, Nan xo

Men's Forum

2009-08-01T08:03:00.002-04:00

I just want to share the progress of our Forum for Grieving Dads. It has actually started to become more active and we now have 16 members since it's start in June of this year. I was excited when we only had two members, so you can imagine that 16 has me ecstatic! This is incredible to me that my hubby can go and talk with other Dads experiencing the same feelings and it helps him to understand his own grief. Ofcourse we do not wish anyone would have to meet under these circumstances, but it's important to know that there is help out there, and connections are being made. Thank you to those of you who have mentioned the site, added our button to your site or did any kind of promotion for it, I believe it did make a difference and continues to do so! The blogger world continues to amaze me. The wonderful babylost women I have met through blogger world and forum world continue to amaze me. Just a huge 'thanks'

:) xo Nan

EDD Rememberence 7-24-09

2009-07-24T21:18:00.005-04:00

Today was very therapeutic and healing. A big surprise to me considering the days leading up to it were extremely hard. It helped to have things planned and have a purpose. We first started with going to our favorite park and re-releasing the balloon notes that were returned to us. The sky had been cloudy and dark and by the time we got to the park the sun started coming through and it was perfect! Lots of sun rays beaming from the Heavens. Sign number 1?

We then headed to a local garden nursery to find a new flowering plant for the babies garden. Well, they had alot of beautiful perennials and they were on sale THREE for $20, so ofcourse we have to get THREE! Sign number 2?

When we were getting ready to purchase the plants, a garden flag caught my eye. I couldn't believe what I saw, I was dumbfounded! THREE little butterflies, THREE little flowers and a saying "Look for the small miracles". So, ofcourse I HAD to buy it. Sign number 3?

And finally, after a relaxing afternoon snuggling with hubby, a storm rolled through very briefly and left a rainbow for us to watch and a brilliant sunset. Do rainbows mean new beginnings? Was this rainbow sent to us from our girls? Sign number 4? I hope they see rainbows and sunsets every night. I hope they know how much we love them and think of them everyday. No matter how brief we held them, I want to honor their lives forever. Their perfect little toes, fingers and noses.

If I can offer a small bit of advice to a grieving parent, and I am only speaking from my own experience, if you find it difficult on the days leading up to a birthday, angelversary, due date, etc., try doing the things to honor them on those hard days. I waited until today to do the things we wanted to do, but I felt so good doing these things and actually had a nice day. I honestly was miserable anticipating this day, and here I am feeling pretty good. I wish I had started earlier this week!

Night, Nan xo

For more pics of today, click here:

http://picasaweb.google.com/nancywithtriplets/EDDRememberenceDay72409#

A Gift of Butterflies

2009-07-23T06:44:00.004-04:00

I woke up this morning to this present from Bree, they are so pretty (thanks!). She is so kind to do something for us, especially with tomorrow approaching it really helped me to see positively again, if only for a few hours (better than none)! She is one of the few lovely ladies I have "met" (strange, it feels like we all know eachother and we have never met!) who are emerging and doing wonderful things for babylost parents, and I can only hope I can someday do something also when I am ready. Hugs to you Bree, thanks! xo Nan

Special Delivery from Rachel

2009-07-21T21:43:00.007-04:00

Hey everyone,

I recently received a package from my friend Rachel (see her loss support site and story here), who sends the cutest printed wraps, knit caps and birth announcement cards to hospitals as donations to give to recent babylost parents. She also adds a poem in the sachel bag, and on the other side of the poem she honors her triplet angels names and places a card with her site listed on it. She had asked if anyone wanted to have any of these that she had made up already so that we could deliver them to our local hospitals, and she sent them to me not asking for anything from me. How sweet is that? They are absolutely beautiful and are made with such love. My plan is to try to deliver them on my EDD this Friday, but I think it is going to be too hard. Thankfully my sister in law works at this hospital so if I cannot do it, then I can give them to her. Just thinking about seeing the area of the hospital we went through so much pain at gives me anxiety. I won't push myself though.

Below are some pictures of the cute little package Rachel puts together. It is so important to get the word out to people that help is out there. Her strength amazes me, and I look up to her so much for what she does, and it's alot! Take some time to visit her site and see all of the things she does to help. Someday I hope to be able to do atleast an ounce of what she does, she is my inspiration and such a sweet soul.

Love, Nan xo

Garden Addition 7-15-09

2009-07-15T21:11:00.004-04:00

Hello everyone,

I came home from work today to a UPS box filled with a special gift. It is a beautiful memorial stone from my dear friend Sue W. She had emailed me to tell me something was coming, and I told her she was crazy I do not need anything, just her friendship :) Her strength amazes me, you see, because she very recently lost her Mom, and even through her grief, she chose to do something for us. How huge of a heart does she have?! I am grateful for you Sue and I am very lucky to be able to call you my friend. Everyone please keep her in your prayers for her heart to heal. Most of us here have lost children, but it also hurts for a child to lose their Mom. Love Nan

Garden Progress 7-11-09

2009-07-11T14:35:00.007-04:00

Time to write a happier blog to balance out the mood here! It's been a rough week, but all in all, I survived, as I seem to always do. I've been working in the yard and the girls' garden a little today, and gave the puppy dogs a bath (they smell nice YAY!).

We still have alot to do in the secondary garden that is the backdrop for the baby steps garden, like weed, plant a few more flowers, weed screen and mulch. The clematis has alot of growing to do to cover the fence, I can't wait til' it leaps, but I don't think it will be this year. After I am finished with that part of the garden, I plan on making another half moon on the other side of the tree.

This is from my best childhood friend Aimee, she calls it a butterfly bath, not a bird bath. When the butterflies finally come to our garden they can take a drink from it! She told me to add some sand and water, I love it (thanks Aim!):

I forget what this is called, but it is soooo soft, like a baby's blanket, so I added it to the garden today:

I added some daises today:

This is the black knight butterfly bush - it's starting to get some purple buds on it finally:

For some other pics of the garden, you can visit: http://picasaweb.google.com/nancywithtriplets/BabySGardenProgress71109#

Hope everyone is trying to enjoy the weekend and getting some sunshine. If not, I'm sending some your way. Love, Nan xo

4 month angelversary

2009-07-06T21:10:00.002-04:00

Will I ever stop counting these dates in my head? Four months already have passed and it makes me think, 'was I even close to having babies that would have lived?'. Four months ago I was 20 weeks *sigh*. Four months ago I was happy, until labor started. Four months ago we were getting excited to find our the genders of our precious angels. When do the thoughts stop? I suppose never.

Also, EDD of a forty week term is coming on July 24th, one I would have never made even with a successful pregnancy, but it sticks in our heads like glue.

I know alot of you are going through what I am, and I understand your pain and am sorry you have to feel this hurt. I pray for all of our hearts to be a little less heavy someday. I want to get to the point of integrating our babies lives into our everyday life without the sadness of it all. I want to feel happy when I think of them. For the most part I do, but not always. Keep doing things to remember your angels and writing your thoughts down so they do not get stuck in your head all day.

Love you baby girls, forever your Mommy xo

Trying for a better day

2009-07-04T13:37:00.002-04:00

The sun is shining, family and friends on their way over to have a nice BBQ for the 4th and I am trying to have a better day today.

Thank you for those of you who commented on my last post, I was in need of knowing that I wasn't alone in my feelings, and you helped :) It's helpful that people understand the roller coaster ride. I guess I just needed to voice my hurt that this is not "over", and will only get easier with time. These beautiful girls are in my heart and mind forever. And Rachel, you better believe I'm taking you up on visiting if I'm ever out there - thanks!!

As soon as the garden gets some blooms I will be posting pics, it looks so nice in the sunshine right now!

Happy 4th everyone, hope you enjoy your day. xo Nan

When the bad outweighs the good

2009-07-03T13:34:00.002-04:00

I can't remember the last time something good has happened. Maybe I just don't notice much of the good anymore?

I mean, its good that my neighbors keep dropping off our balloon notes that were stuck in their trees (about six so far). It's good I have a close family and that we pick each other up when one is down. It's good we have a roof over our heads and animals to love and care for. Right? Or are these things just the things I am most thankful for? And yes, I am very thankful for the things in my life. But even when I talk to the therapist, about 95% of it is bad stuff that comes spewing out of my mouth.

The one thing I just don't "get", is what happened to our children. I still can't get this question out of my head "why?". I can't stand unanswered questions, but it's one I have to live with everyday, for the rest of my life. It has left me with a sense of 'I really don't care much about anything, anymore', or 'whatever'. Of course I still care about my friends and family and anything important that comes along. But the little things....uh, not so much. I wish people could understand that its not about them when I say 'whatever', its just 'whatever' to anything menial. This is because my children are always on my mind. But it irks me when someone says they have it rough. Do you? Do you REALLY? Please, do tell, but I might not be listening, really.

I suppose this is a phase of grieving, and I really do not like to sound so bitter, but the truth is, most days I am. I miss my girls and its going to be a very long road to healing. As long as no one makes me feel like I should "get over it", then all will be ok. I won't have a good day for a long time, they will be "ok" days. When I have a bad day, it's going to be a really bad day.

Sorry for the rant, just needed to get this off my chest. xo Nan

Hubby's keepsake is here!!!

2009-06-28T08:26:00.007-04:00

Yesterday I picked up Mike's Father's Day gift, it's a beautiful ID bracelet! The camera wasn't cooperating but I hope you can see it, if you can't, click on it and it should open to a larger pic in a new browser:

I had the front and back engraved, on the front it has a cross with a little saying with their names and birthdate, and on the back their footprints were engraved. Mike loved it. My only wish is that I would have been able to give him Them, instead.

Enjoy, xo Nan

Garden Progress 6-27-09

2009-06-27T19:36:00.001-04:00

Just wanted to share the progress of the girls' garden. If you compare these pictures to my post on 5/31, its some nice growth! I am so excited to see the flowers pop up, some are budding. I have not had much motivation to work on it lately, but I plan to tomorrow. Hope everyone is well and enjoying the weekend. xo

Getting By...

2009-06-26T10:54:00.005-04:00

Been a rough week for some reason (period time?). I am hanging in there though. I read a really great motto from an online friend this week "If you feel like you are at the end of your rope....tie a knot", it was really fitting.

I really want to thank the online community of women for getting me through this week. Some are posting the Men's Forum site on there blogs and websites to help me promote it and get more men to join, and I sooo appreciate it (Rachel, Emma, Lauren, Angie, Cara and more! Giving props!).

Out of the blue, I also received a beautiful picture from Lea, who is doing such good things for us babylost moms. Have a look:

Another woman I met online recently who is a photographer, Angie, has joined Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep as an assistant photographer, which offers free photography to parents in the hospital of their precious angels. She is an inspiration to turn her grief into doing such a special thing for others.

I would have never known about this beautiful community of women. You never really want to be a part of it...but I am glad I am, and that we are all not so alone in our journeys. Even though we have never met in person or have never even talked on the phone, I feel as though we have known each other for years. It's really comforting. Thank you everyone.

Hugs to all. Nan xo

A Beautiful Picture for Father's Day

2009-06-19T21:17:00.005-04:00

I can't wait anymore, I have to show what sweet Sarah (from Whispered Support) and her brother emailed me this morning. I have seen this beautiful picture on some of my bereaved friend/mammas sites, but once you see it with your own angels names on it, it makes it even more special (thank you!). I am going to frame it this weekend and give it to hubby on Fathers Day (so hon, if you are reading this - sorry I couldn't wait to share it!). I am also giving him a beautiful keepsake but it is not ready yet (waited too long to get myself to the jewelers - thats another story in itself) so I can only give him a pic of it in his card. I will post that when I finally get it! Here is what I woke up to this morning:

So, for those of us in the US, it is Fathers Day weekend, and I just want to wish all of the Daddy's out there, heavenly and earthly, a very special Fathers Day. Especially my wonderful hubby, I don't know what I would do without him.

Love to all xoxo Nan

Names in the Sand

2009-06-18T10:13:00.003-04:00

This post is about the lovely woman in Australia who wrote our beautiful baby girls' names in the sand. She does this out of the kindness of her heart. Her name is Carly and she has entered an online photo contest which will be explained on the link below. Please take a moment to help her out and vote. Thanks! Love, Nan

http://scarletriver26.blogspot.com/2009/06/vote-for-christian.html

Nice people are out there!

2009-06-15T21:30:00.005-04:00

Kelly is a sweet woman who jumped at the chance to help promote our Forum for Grieving Dads on her blogsite. Just wanted to say thank you Kelly! You can read the post and her website by clicking on the link below:

Kelly's Korner: Such a Busy Day - I don't even have a picture of Harper on this post

Also, sweet Rachel with her site http://www.tripletbutterflywings.com/ has a link to our forum as well! Rachel is the woman who has our angels names in her butterfly garden and is always so thoughtful of others and she also jumped on the chance to help!

I am so happy to have these wonderful people in my life :) Please, if you know of any Dad grieving the loss of a child, please send them to http://www.forumforgrievingdads.com/

Hugs, Nan

Find your flower...

2009-06-13T08:31:00.002-04:00

Good morning,

It's been a while since I've said "good morning" and actually meant it. Even though things can be so hard and so sad, the good days start to appear little by little. Above is a picture of a neat breed of daylily that my cousin Lori and her family brought us on the day of the balloon release. So I planted it quickly in the girls' garden and within a week, the buds starting blooming and I woke up today to a bright single flower in the garden, how beautiful.

Everything is starting to get a little bigger in the garden and its helping to teach me that patience and time help to grow you stronger, little by little, like a flower. If you sit and try to watch the flower bloom, you will be there for a very long time, you can't force it. Just like you can't force yourself to heal, you need time, you need patience, you need to cry and scream, you need to get it out at your own pace and everyone is different.

Today, I say an extra prayer for all bereaved mammas out there to find their bloomed flower and a little less of a heavy heart.

Love, Nan

Guess what I found?

2009-06-10T21:23:00.004-04:00

I came home today and looked in my mailbox, you know, the usual routines. Amongst all of the junk mail and bills there was a large pink piece of paper with writing on it. It was our message on the babies balloons that got stuck in our neighbors' tree!!! It must have fell somewhere they could see it and they put it in our mailbox. My heart was lifted today.

Just wanted to share :) Nan xo

Our Balloon Release...and 3 Month Angelversary

2009-06-07T13:27:00.004-04:00

What a beautiful day we had yesterday on our baby girls' 3 month angelversary. Thanks to all who participated!

We released 72 balloons to our baby girls at approximately 5:30 PM, while surrounding the babies garden. All was going well, and then the wind shifted and blew alot of them into our neighbors trees! They are still there, and everytime I look out of my kitchen window I can see them there....I just do not know what to do! But some did make it, and all in all it was beautiful. I know our balloons did not make it because we had the biggest card and the biggest bunch with our messages to the babies, and I can see it swinging there. Oh well, we will just have to do it again soon! Click here for more pics, you can view them as a slideshow: http://picasaweb.google.com/nancywithtriplets/BalloonRelease3MonthAngelversary6609#

Love, Nan

Balloon Release Tomorrow!!!

2009-06-05T17:02:00.009-04:00

Just wanted to share pics of the board I made for our guests to sign tomorrow. If you click on the pictures, you will open a new browser that makes them larger and you can see them better. Eventually, I am thinking of making it a shadow box frame and putting the girls' keepsakes on the bottom (knit caps, blankets, bears, rings, etc.). I will share the pics from the balloon release in another post, maybe Sunday. Enjoy!

The Reiber's - Remembering Our Triplet Angels

One Month Til They Turn 3 in Heaven

Xmas 2011 - Our triplets stocking additions

The 6th, Again

25 Days of Giveaways

3 negatives make 1 positive

Thanks for the lift…

Twisted

Styx, Stickers, Bubba, Bubbahead

Wave of Light 2011 - Remembrance Photos

Thoughts of tomorrow…

Two and a Half Years...

I forgot

Happy 2nd Birthday sweet girls

~~Attempting to Embrace it, Again~~

Bottled Up

Candles

Layers of Grief.....& Oct 15th Rememberence Day

A Year and a Half Angelversary

Support

Mommy Never Forgets You

Prayers for Deni

16 Months

Remembering Tristen Ryan

Prayers for those who are struggling

Our Forum

Things in 3's

Hiding Out

Forever My Firefly too....

You are a Mom...

Awareness

Grief in Many Forms, (i.e. Infertililty)

Beautiful

Awards and Stuff :)

Love At First Bloom

Advice From A Tree

Thinking of Hope, Adam and Charlie

Comfort Prayer

First Sign of Spring in our Garden!

Our First Heavenly Birthday

A week of rememberence

A few thank yous, and a special introduction

T Minus 16 Days...

Covered in White

Snow Angels

11 Month Angelversary

A Little Piece of Paper

Decals

Butterflies in Winter

Watching the clock

Been A While

9 Month Angelversary 12-6-09

Not Black Friday...Rather, A Beautiful Friday

It's not easy, but I'll make it through, again

Bunch of Updates

One Day At A Time

Varying Stages of Grief...

The Last Flower

Hot and Cold

Remembering All Angel Babies

Mystery Flower!

Wave of Light ~ October 15th

7 Month Angelversary

Latest Garden Addition

Their Tree

For once, all is quiet

Friendship Award!

Back from the Bay

Last weekend

OK, I'm Not The Only One

Mixed Bag of Emotions

Honest Scrap

Random Thoughts

Thank you

No Wonder My Back Hurt?!

Lazy Sunday

Full of Charm

New Blooms 8-8-09

5 Month Angelversary - Update!!!

5 Month Angelversary

Attempting to Embrace it, Again