Their Tree

She is beautiful, and I refer to the tree as a "she" because she is graceful, pretty and her branches lean over almost protecting the earth around her. Protecting my angels. She is getting ready to winterize herself as the leaves are slightly turning colors. Protecting herself from the cold of Fall and Winter to come. Sound familiar to anyone? It is us, the babylost Mom world that I never knew about, and now know all too well. This garden has taught me many things, most of all patience. Earlier this Summer I was afraid of anticipating the tree losing her leaves. Now I look at it as a form of protection and it brings me to a better place, easier to "see".

On a separate note, why is it still so hard to hear of others' joy for their pregancies IRL? I want to run and hide whenever I hear anything related to baby clothes, birthing stories or even see newborns? Such a crappy feeling. Guess I am getting ready to shed my own leaves and protect myself too.

Hugs to all, Nan xo

For once, all is quiet

I think today I finally exhaled. Has anyone else felt like they have been holding their breath for months on end? It was so peaceful and the weather was so comfortable I actually took a nap this afternoon, first one in months. Not much to update except my sis in law is doing well after surgery, I knew angels were watching over her keeping her safe :) And the picture of the rose above is a present from my Mom for our Anniversary, so pretty, I planted it in the girls' garden! I took some garden pics, did some pruning, feel free to see them here.

Hope you all find a day where you can exhale too, even for a little while. Love, Nan xo

Friendship Award!

Lea at Nicholas' Touch has passed on a very special Friend Award to me. I am honored to accept such a sweet gesture, thank you Lea! You have done so much for me and helped me get by on good and bad days, and I don't know how to repay you! Hugs!!

This award is bestowed on to blogs that are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to six bloggers who must choose six more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award.

OK, so six bloggers is really hard to choose, but it's the rules I suppose. Just know that all of you that visit, read and comment here are in my heart forever, and I wouldn't be where I am without your support. Love, Nan

Bree at My Baby Butterfly Ella

Christy at Almost a Mother

Steph at The New Normal

Kerry at Making Coyne

Tina at Living Without Sophia and Ellie

Deb at For Your Tears

Back from the Bay

Had a really nice time with hubby and the dogs down the shore. I must admit, this writing names in the sand is serious business (LOL), it is ALOT harder than it appears! I had my footprints in every picture and just when I was getting ready to take a pic the bay would wash it away and I would miss it and write them over again. So I will not be quitting my day job. I give Carly ALOT of credit!

We went shopping for a bit on Saturday and I saw signs of my girls everywhere we went. I had been to all of these shops before and never noticed how many butterfly gadgets there were to purchase. We could have gone bankrupt! We did buy a few things and I finally found the perfect flag holder for my "Look for the small miracles" flag (in pic link at the bottom)! Below is also one of the "signs" I got, the stone has three butterflies and a lovely saying for their garden (had to get it). I hold this near and dear to my heart.

Other than that, it is good to be home, and now we are gearing up to help my sis in law and brother and family get ready for her surgery tomorrow.

If you would like to see pics from our weekend and more of our garden, click here and here.

Love, Nan xo

Last weekend

Who is driving this truck? Well, they aren't driving, but they are hanging out staying out of trouble (sort of)! It's two of our pups and our friends pup also, I love this pic. We decided to go camping last weekend and had a pretty good time, besides sleeping on the hard ground and waking up stiff as a board!

I was really bummed out on Sunday though, as it was our girls' 6 month angelversary and I had done nothing like I have been doing every 6th of each month. There was really nothing I could do up there, except keep them on my mind and have them in my heart, as always. A wonderful dear friend told me that "I do something for them every minute of every day...that I LOVE THEM and that is all I need to do, and to remember, I take them every where I go, in my heart they forever will be". I did see a few butterflies flying around the wildflowers which was soothing.

So this upcoming weekend, I think we are heading down the shore and maybe I can try my luck at writing their names in the sands of Cape May, New Jersey's Delaware Bay side. It is a lovely place where the ferries come by and the dolphins swim without a care in the world. If I can't do that, I plan on finding something, and I know something will catch my eye, I just know it. Mike and I will be celebrating our 4th wedding anniversary so we intend on having a nice relaxing time down there and just being together doing whatever our hearts desire.

Wishing everyone well today and always.

Love, Nan xo

OK, I'm Not The Only One

There is alot of confusion around here. My Lilacs want to bloom again. The babies' cherry tree wanted to bloom again too a few weeks ago...I love it! This means I am not the only confused and scattered one around here! It is pretty though!

Had a better day today, thanks for any and all prayers said on my behalf :) Going to get away to somewhere this weekend so I hope everyone enjoys the holiday weekend. Here are some garden pics. Stay safe. Love Nan xoxo

Mixed Bag of Emotions

Monday, grumpy.

Tuesday, happy.

Wednesday, so-so.

Thursday, angry and sad.

I feel like I have a full menu of emotions for the week. Hmmm...what should I make with dinner tonight hon? A side of happy or a side of pissed off? What is up? Why do I feel so on and off and hot and cold? All I can think that it might be is that 6 months is coming up....6 months. Is that it? Am I preparing to protect myself from it? Why anyone has to live like this when things were just FINE before, is beyond me. I also have many bereaved parents on my radar, I know their sadness can weigh heavy on the mind as well. So so sad. I pray for tomorrow to be a good day.

Honest Scrap

I have been nominated for the honest scrap award by Christy, Steph and Bree, thank you girls, I feel very loved! There are some rules to accept this award. You must pass the award on to 7 other bloggers and then list 10 honest and hopefully interesting things about yourself.


1) I have watched every single season of the show Survivor. I do not remember all of them, but I get really into it. Why?!

2) I was born with six toes on my left foot, it was an extra big toe. I have five toes now, but the shape is a little “off” and there is a scar, due to the removal of it at 8 months old in 1975.

3) I have lived outside of Philly all of my life, except when I had an opportunity to move away for a few years to Reno, NV and then central Florida. I missed my family too much so I live outside of Philly again.

4) Hubby and I met online in 2000, and the rest was history! We grew up in the same area, hung out at all of the same places, but never crossed paths until matchmaker.com hooked us up. He jokes and says he paid $9.99 for me cause he had to subscribe to get my message to him…LOL.

5) I really don’t write out every feeling I have on this site, I hold back alot because this is my angels’ site, and its where I want to honor them. My new blog will have a whole other tone, you’ll see….soon.

6) I think I snore. Ill never know. I don’t want to know!

7) I am scared as hell to TTC again, but I know I want to try.

8) PMS has been way worse after our loss, I’ve never felt as bitchy as I do now-a-days right before AF…anyone else? I never used to be that way.

9) Our dogs sleep on the bed with us, and an occasional cat, and they take up so much space that we are almost hanging off our king size bed.

10) I am watching Wayne’s World while I am typing this, I loved this movie back in the day! Scary that it was made 17 years ago.

Hope you enjoyed!

Here are the new nominees (sorry if you were previously picked!):

Ashley @ http://mackenziesmama.blogspot.com/
Jennifer @ http://delekatala.blogspot.com/
Angie @ http://angietabaczynski.blogspot.com/
Emma @ http://aksapphire.blogspot.com/
Brenna @ http://therealbean.blogspot.com/
Shannon @ http://mactwins.blogspot.com/
Rachel @ http://themcconathys.blogspot.com/

Nan xo

Random Thoughts

This post is going to be a bunch of random thoughts. I have so much in my head and not an easy way to get it all out, my head is pretty much unorganized at the moment. Due partly to PMS I suppose, AF is due any day now.

I can't believe our six month angelversary is fast approaching.

I miss my girls, a whole lot, that is obvious. Throughout each day, the delivery part of our story comes to visit my thoughts. I do not know why I cannot get this to stop from entering my mind so much. I want to write it down, I know it will help, but I also know its still too painful to write. In the same breath, I feel more a peace with knowing the girls are in Heaven and playing in the clouds with other angels, with the saying I have heard many times that they were "too beautiful for earth". I recently was also told another saying that felt very comforting, that I should believe that God will return the children he has called away from us someday. I think we are deserving of that, at the least. We are good people, and we will appreciate any blessing that falls into our lives.

I had a shrink appointment last night, she feels I am doing much better, and we talked about TTC again. She stayed mostly neutral about it, but knows that I know the difference now that if we try again, that I will not be replacing the girls, we will be adding to the family. Honestly I have felt like that for quite some time now, it just took a while to talk about it in therapy. With that said, I have made a new blog that I have not yet opened to anyone yet. I will eventually. It's going to be for the next IVF attempt we go on, and my thoughts and feelings on it. I did not think it would be what I wanted to talk about on this site, where I am (mostly) trying to honor our angel girls, but the occassional post (such as this) comes out. So I think I need a separate place for the rants I may have! I will keep everyone posted when I open it if you are interested in following it. I feel like I need to keep alot of this to myself for now.

Our 4th wedding anniversary is coming up on 9-17 and we are trying to do something special for ourselves. We were trying to plan a honeymoon that we never got to take, but we are going to have to postpone it once again. We will still do something special, just not the honeymoon we wanted...definitely in another couple years! I cant believe September is already around the corner, this year has flown by.

Last but certainly not least, I am asking for prayers for my sister in law. She is going to be having brain surgery to remove a non-cancerous tumor that keeps growing. Her surgery is 9/16 and she can use all of the support she can get. I know my angels will protect her and watch over her, as she was there for them the entire delivery and watched over them and took care of them.

Love and light to everyone. Nan xo

Thank you

Just want to say a big thank you to all of the people that read our blog and/or comment with all of your support. You have no idea how much finding this way of healing has meant to me so far. The path to the future looks a little bit brighter each and every day, with ofcourse the occasional setbacks. I am grateful there have been fewer bad days as of late.

All of you are always in my prayers.

Love, Nan xo

No Wonder My Back Hurt?!

I have had back pain for over a year, and never did anything about it, until now. Now I will go through the motions to treat mild levoscoliosis. I apparently have been making my body compensate from the time it started, which makes it worse. Sure, the contributing factors were:

1) That I gained 30 pounds in a matter of 20 weeks with the girls
2) That I was measuring as if I had a full term singleton in my belly
3) That I ignored the pain and thought it was all in my head

I always wondered if I my back pain masked the contractions and back labor I didn't know I was having. Not once did I ever feel a belly contraction, it was all in my back. Everyone tries to tell me that the reason my mucous plug came out was 'probably' because Shelby's sac ruptured, and that there was nothing I could do, but I will never know.

Hopefully by the time we TTC again, I will be good as new, and able to know the back labor signs (probably not!).

Despite the way this post sounds, I am actually doing ok. I am enjoying the girls' garden everyday, trying to start making some flower pictures for angels with the new blooms I find in the garden, and working like mad (at work of course).

Hope everyone is having a good week, we are half way to the weekend....woo hoo!

Love, Nan xo

Lazy Sunday

GARDEN PROGRESS: The babies garden is growing nicely, and I have 5 out of 6 clematis climbing the fence slowly but surely. I can't wait to see it next year with flowers (hopefully). I took alot of pictures this weekend of the garden, it was calming to hang out there for most of my time.

BACKYARD PESTS: So we have these hornet-like insects invading our back and side yard, they are called Cicada Killers. They last from 4 to 6 weeks and kill the cicadas, where they then take them into their burrows underground, and they are very intimidating. The males do not have stingers, but the females do and they are twice the size of the males. They "say" the sting is not that bad, I for one do not want to find out, so I am avoiding the pool and have become prisoner of my own house! Thankfully they are not burrowing near the babies garden, or I would be going evil on them. Although I have been known to take out a "couple" pots of boiling water, which ensures the eggs won't hatch next year. Why do they like my yard? I do not see them in anyone else's except our neighbor across the street. We had them last year too. Grrr...

ABOUT AN ONLINE FRIEND STEPH: I did not ask her permission to write about her, but now that she has started a blog (YAY!), it's public so.....Steph, hope you aren't upset that I am writing about you! Here's the thing, I used to be on a forum for pregnant mommys of multiples, although I had not talked her on there. I went back to it after I lost the girls to inform everyone that we didn't make it. The outpour of support was amazing, and one of the ladies put out there that another Mom had lost her triplets too. Well, Steph had read it, and she emiled me right away, ready to offer support and that she knew what I had been through when my grief was still so very raw. She was the first person to really reach out to me, babylost triplet Mom to babylost triplet Mom, and I have always appreciated that, so so much. Since then we have become good friends, it stinks that she lives 3,000 miles away, I want to give her a hug. I am glad that she has an earthly child to love, I think it really helped her to get back on her feet, to be there for her little girl. She is an amazing and sweet soul. Please everyone, send her some love, k? Visit her here: http://thenewnormal08.blogspot.com/

RANDOM STUFF: Other than that, I have not been in the nursery for some time now, not sure why. Maybe I am afraid to break down again, after having a nice long streak of more happy days now. Almost every other night before I go to bed, I keep re-playing the delivery over and over in my head, I cannot stop my mind from wandering there. Maybe someday I will understand it, but the more I read on PPROM, I feel like I should have tried to wait it out more. I read this stuff now so I can be more informed for our next pregnancy, some day. Does anyone else find themselves on problem pregnancy sites to try and figure out how to keep the same thing from hapening again? Just still so darn frustrated with the way our OB office handled me. The what ifs...oh I do not like those, but again, hard to stop from entering your mind. Oh well.

Hope everyone has a good week, think happy thoughts, right?!

Love, Nan xo

Full of Charm

A new dear friend of mine, Tina, has sent me a beautiful charm necklace pendent with our girls' names on it, along with a beautiful note. She has three dots between the girls' names, and room to add more childrens names for the future (so sweet!). It's absolutely beautiful and made with lots of love. She is doing incredible work to help bereaved parents remember their angels with memorial jewelry, and she does it also to help honor her twin angels in Heaven. If you want to see her collection, you can click here. Thank you so much Tina!!! Here are some pictures of it:









Sending sunshine to everyone. Love, Nan xo

New Blooms 8-8-09

I love love love waking up to new blooms in the girls' garden! I think I have a ritual now, where I wake up, walk out to the kitchen to make coffee, and while at the sink filling up the coffee pot with water, I look out the window to the garden to see if anything is going on and say 'good morning' to my angels. I like that ritual. Now I wish Winter would skip us this year, so I can enjoy the garden year round, but for now I will enjoy and have a pretty garden for our girls until it gets cold in a few months.

So I went out to take a few pics this morning and one of our three kitties was swirling around my feet out in the garden, we call her mountain kitty (formal name Chloe) because we found her up in the mountains as a baby and brought her home. She is so independent, and only comes to you when she wants to, so she decided to come hang with me while taking pictures.

The puppy dog was hanging out too, behind the fence ofcourse :)

Here are just a few other pics: http://picasaweb.google.com/nancywithtriplets/GardenProgress8809#

Hope everyone has a happy Saturday. Love, Nan xo

5 Month Angelversary - Update!!!

I know I just posted, but I just got another cool sign from my girls and I had to share! Maybe they know I am thinking of them?! I went out to water their garden and noticed that the tree has one branch that has three blooms coming out! Not sure if you can see the third bloom (closer to the top of the pic), as the flower has not emerged yet, but two have. I don't think this tree is supposed to re-bloom, how cool?!! YAY baby girls :) I hear you. xoxoxoxo

PS...it is also a full moon tonight, so when I look up to the sky tonight, I will think of all of the bereaved parents looking at the same moon and I am holding your hands, we are all together. Much love.

5 Month Angelversary

Today wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but it was still on my mind at a constant pace. I thought about our girls probably 100 times throughout the day, or more. Work poses alot of distraction, but not enough to keep my mind from running away. The sadness of thinking about them is slowly starting turn to happier thoughts of where they are. It definitely takes alot of time and effort to get to a "better place" after the loss of a child or children. I imagine every month will be an angelversary, and then maybe eventually it will be every six months and then maybe every year, who knows. It's different for everyone. I visit the garden every day, look for more blooming flowers or think about what I want to plant next or when I am going to get myself to go buy mulch or look for butterflies (just one so far), cause it just feels good to devote that time to them. This weekend we will do more in the garden, stay tuned :)

Just missing you baby girls, I still can't believe you were three girls and how much fun we would have had on earth. Til' we meet in Heaven. Love Mommy xo

Summer Bloomers

If you have been following my blog for some time, you know that I ordered some plants for the girls' garden, and they were so so tiny when I got them in May. Now, they are starting to take over and I think I planted them wrong (space-wise)! I read on each package so so carefully, space 12 inches, space 24 inches, this one gets 24 inches high, this one gets 4 feet high...well I must have been high...LOL, j/k of course. It still looks good, its just that now they are really flourishing and going all over the place! I sometimes imagine my girls are with me and they are about 4 years old (in my thoughts), and think that they too would have been all over the place, so I really can relate, grow and learn from this beautiful garden. I can't wait to keep adding more things, even if I plant them incorrectly! Soon.

Pics: http://picasaweb.google.com/nancywithtriplets/GardenProgress8409#

More pics: http://picasaweb.google.com/nancywithtriplets/GardenPictures73109#

Love, Nan xo

Triplet Butterfly Release

Rachel does it again! We sent her a small donation to help pay for shipping and supplies of the wraps, and this is what she does in return for us (she can't stop helping, bless her beautiful soul!). She has a beautiful garden set-up and alot of butterflies come to visit her there and lay their eggs. She had six emerge on Friday and the first three were girls, meant to be for our girls! How cool is that? Thank you Rachel!!! She sent me lots of pics - you can see them here:

http://picasaweb.google.com/nancywithtriplets/RachelsButterflyReleaseForOurGirls8109#

If you wish to send a donation to her and have a beautiful butterfly released in your angel(s) honor please click here. She has many options available!

The wraps Rachel sent us were brought to our hospital via my sister in law Barbara, I could not deliver them myself. She works there, and is the angel on earth who ultimately delivered our girls with the docs. Thank you so much for doing that for us Barbara, this is just another reason why you are near and dear to my heart. Love you.

Love to all, Nan xo

Men's Forum

I just want to share the progress of our Forum for Grieving Dads. It has actually started to become more active and we now have 16 members since it's start in June of this year. I was excited when we only had two members, so you can imagine that 16 has me ecstatic! This is incredible to me that my hubby can go and talk with other Dads experiencing the same feelings and it helps him to understand his own grief. Ofcourse we do not wish anyone would have to meet under these circumstances, but it's important to know that there is help out there, and connections are being made. Thank you to those of you who have mentioned the site, added our button to your site or did any kind of promotion for it, I believe it did make a difference and continues to do so! The blogger world continues to amaze me. The wonderful babylost women I have met through blogger world and forum world continue to amaze me. Just a huge 'thanks'

:) xo Nan

EDD Rememberence 7-24-09

Today was very therapeutic and healing. A big surprise to me considering the days leading up to it were extremely hard. It helped to have things planned and have a purpose. We first started with going to our favorite park and re-releasing the balloon notes that were returned to us. The sky had been cloudy and dark and by the time we got to the park the sun started coming through and it was perfect! Lots of sun rays beaming from the Heavens. Sign number 1?

We then headed to a local garden nursery to find a new flowering plant for the babies garden. Well, they had alot of beautiful perennials and they were on sale THREE for $20, so ofcourse we have to get THREE! Sign number 2?

When we were getting ready to purchase the plants, a garden flag caught my eye. I couldn't believe what I saw, I was dumbfounded! THREE little butterflies, THREE little flowers and a saying "Look for the small miracles". So, ofcourse I HAD to buy it. Sign number 3?

And finally, after a relaxing afternoon snuggling with hubby, a storm rolled through very briefly and left a rainbow for us to watch and a brilliant sunset. Do rainbows mean new beginnings? Was this rainbow sent to us from our girls? Sign number 4? I hope they see rainbows and sunsets every night. I hope they know how much we love them and think of them everyday. No matter how brief we held them, I want to honor their lives forever. Their perfect little toes, fingers and noses.

If I can offer a small bit of advice to a grieving parent, and I am only speaking from my own experience, if you find it difficult on the days leading up to a birthday, angelversary, due date, etc., try doing the things to honor them on those hard days. I waited until today to do the things we wanted to do, but I felt so good doing these things and actually had a nice day. I honestly was miserable anticipating this day, and here I am feeling pretty good. I wish I had started earlier this week!

Night, Nan xo

For more pics of today, click here:

http://picasaweb.google.com/nancywithtriplets/EDDRememberenceDay72409#

A Gift of Butterflies

I woke up this morning to this present from Bree, they are so pretty (thanks!). She is so kind to do something for us, especially with tomorrow approaching it really helped me to see positively again, if only for a few hours (better than none)! She is one of the few lovely ladies I have "met" (strange, it feels like we all know eachother and we have never met!) who are emerging and doing wonderful things for babylost parents, and I can only hope I can someday do something also when I am ready. Hugs to you Bree, thanks! xo Nan

Special Delivery from Rachel

Hey everyone,

I recently received a package from my friend Rachel (see her loss support site and story here), who sends the cutest printed wraps, knit caps and birth announcement cards to hospitals as donations to give to recent babylost parents. She also adds a poem in the sachel bag, and on the other side of the poem she honors her triplet angels names and places a card with her site listed on it. She had asked if anyone wanted to have any of these that she had made up already so that we could deliver them to our local hospitals, and she sent them to me not asking for anything from me. How sweet is that? They are absolutely beautiful and are made with such love. My plan is to try to deliver them on my EDD this Friday, but I think it is going to be too hard. Thankfully my sister in law works at this hospital so if I cannot do it, then I can give them to her. Just thinking about seeing the area of the hospital we went through so much pain at gives me anxiety. I won't push myself though.

Below are some pictures of the cute little package Rachel puts together. It is so important to get the word out to people that help is out there. Her strength amazes me, and I look up to her so much for what she does, and it's alot! Take some time to visit her site and see all of the things she does to help. Someday I hope to be able to do atleast an ounce of what she does, she is my inspiration and such a sweet soul.

Love, Nan xo

Garden Addition 7-15-09

Hello everyone,

I came home from work today to a UPS box filled with a special gift. It is a beautiful memorial stone from my dear friend Sue W. She had emailed me to tell me something was coming, and I told her she was crazy I do not need anything, just her friendship :) Her strength amazes me, you see, because she very recently lost her Mom, and even through her grief, she chose to do something for us. How huge of a heart does she have?! I am grateful for you Sue and I am very lucky to be able to call you my friend. Everyone please keep her in your prayers for her heart to heal. Most of us here have lost children, but it also hurts for a child to lose their Mom. Love Nan

Garden Progress 7-11-09

Time to write a happier blog to balance out the mood here! It's been a rough week, but all in all, I survived, as I seem to always do. I've been working in the yard and the girls' garden a little today, and gave the puppy dogs a bath (they smell nice YAY!).

We still have alot to do in the secondary garden that is the backdrop for the baby steps garden, like weed, plant a few more flowers, weed screen and mulch. The clematis has alot of growing to do to cover the fence, I can't wait til' it leaps, but I don't think it will be this year. After I am finished with that part of the garden, I plan on making another half moon on the other side of the tree.

This is from my best childhood friend Aimee, she calls it a butterfly bath, not a bird bath. When the butterflies finally come to our garden they can take a drink from it! She told me to add some sand and water, I love it (thanks Aim!):

I forget what this is called, but it is soooo soft, like a baby's blanket, so I added it to the garden today:

I added some daises today:

This is the black knight butterfly bush - it's starting to get some purple buds on it finally:

For some other pics of the garden, you can visit: http://picasaweb.google.com/nancywithtriplets/BabySGardenProgress71109#

Hope everyone is trying to enjoy the weekend and getting some sunshine. If not, I'm sending some your way. Love, Nan xo

4 month angelversary

Will I ever stop counting these dates in my head? Four months already have passed and it makes me think, 'was I even close to having babies that would have lived?'. Four months ago I was 20 weeks *sigh*. Four months ago I was happy, until labor started. Four months ago we were getting excited to find our the genders of our precious angels. When do the thoughts stop? I suppose never.

Also, EDD of a forty week term is coming on July 24th, one I would have never made even with a successful pregnancy, but it sticks in our heads like glue.

I know alot of you are going through what I am, and I understand your pain and am sorry you have to feel this hurt. I pray for all of our hearts to be a little less heavy someday. I want to get to the point of integrating our babies lives into our everyday life without the sadness of it all. I want to feel happy when I think of them. For the most part I do, but not always. Keep doing things to remember your angels and writing your thoughts down so they do not get stuck in your head all day.

Love you baby girls, forever your Mommy xo

Trying for a better day

The sun is shining, family and friends on their way over to have a nice BBQ for the 4th and I am trying to have a better day today.

Thank you for those of you who commented on my last post, I was in need of knowing that I wasn't alone in my feelings, and you helped :) It's helpful that people understand the roller coaster ride. I guess I just needed to voice my hurt that this is not "over", and will only get easier with time. These beautiful girls are in my heart and mind forever. And Rachel, you better believe I'm taking you up on visiting if I'm ever out there - thanks!!

As soon as the garden gets some blooms I will be posting pics, it looks so nice in the sunshine right now!

Happy 4th everyone, hope you enjoy your day. xo Nan

When the bad outweighs the good

I can't remember the last time something good has happened. Maybe I just don't notice much of the good anymore?

I mean, its good that my neighbors keep dropping off our balloon notes that were stuck in their trees (about six so far). It's good I have a close family and that we pick each other up when one is down. It's good we have a roof over our heads and animals to love and care for. Right? Or are these things just the things I am most thankful for? And yes, I am very thankful for the things in my life. But even when I talk to the therapist, about 95% of it is bad stuff that comes spewing out of my mouth.

The one thing I just don't "get", is what happened to our children. I still can't get this question out of my head "why?". I can't stand unanswered questions, but it's one I have to live with everyday, for the rest of my life. It has left me with a sense of 'I really don't care much about anything, anymore', or 'whatever'. Of course I still care about my friends and family and anything important that comes along. But the little things....uh, not so much. I wish people could understand that its not about them when I say 'whatever', its just 'whatever' to anything menial. This is because my children are always on my mind. But it irks me when someone says they have it rough. Do you? Do you REALLY? Please, do tell, but I might not be listening, really.

I suppose this is a phase of grieving, and I really do not like to sound so bitter, but the truth is, most days I am. I miss my girls and its going to be a very long road to healing. As long as no one makes me feel like I should "get over it", then all will be ok. I won't have a good day for a long time, they will be "ok" days. When I have a bad day, it's going to be a really bad day.

Sorry for the rant, just needed to get this off my chest. xo Nan

Hubby's keepsake is here!!!

Yesterday I picked up Mike's Father's Day gift, it's a beautiful ID bracelet! The camera wasn't cooperating but I hope you can see it, if you can't, click on it and it should open to a larger pic in a new browser:





I had the front and back engraved, on the front it has a cross with a little saying with their names and birthdate, and on the back their footprints were engraved. Mike loved it. My only wish is that I would have been able to give him Them, instead.


Enjoy, xo Nan

Garden Progress 6-27-09

Just wanted to share the progress of the girls' garden. If you compare these pictures to my post on 5/31, its some nice growth! I am so excited to see the flowers pop up, some are budding. I have not had much motivation to work on it lately, but I plan to tomorrow. Hope everyone is well and enjoying the weekend. xo

Getting By...

Been a rough week for some reason (period time?). I am hanging in there though. I read a really great motto from an online friend this week "If you feel like you are at the end of your rope....tie a knot", it was really fitting.

I really want to thank the online community of women for getting me through this week. Some are posting the Men's Forum site on there blogs and websites to help me promote it and get more men to join, and I sooo appreciate it (Rachel, Emma, Lauren, Angie, Cara and more! Giving props!).

Out of the blue, I also received a beautiful picture from Lea, who is doing such good things for us babylost moms. Have a look:

Another woman I met online recently who is a photographer, Angie, has joined Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep as an assistant photographer, which offers free photography to parents in the hospital of their precious angels. She is an inspiration to turn her grief into doing such a special thing for others.

I would have never known about this beautiful community of women. You never really want to be a part of it...but I am glad I am, and that we are all not so alone in our journeys. Even though we have never met in person or have never even talked on the phone, I feel as though we have known each other for years. It's really comforting. Thank you everyone.

Hugs to all. Nan xo

A Beautiful Picture for Father's Day

I can't wait anymore, I have to show what sweet Sarah (from Whispered Support) and her brother emailed me this morning. I have seen this beautiful picture on some of my bereaved friend/mammas sites, but once you see it with your own angels names on it, it makes it even more special (thank you!). I am going to frame it this weekend and give it to hubby on Fathers Day (so hon, if you are reading this - sorry I couldn't wait to share it!). I am also giving him a beautiful keepsake but it is not ready yet (waited too long to get myself to the jewelers - thats another story in itself) so I can only give him a pic of it in his card. I will post that when I finally get it! Here is what I woke up to this morning:

So, for those of us in the US, it is Fathers Day weekend, and I just want to wish all of the Daddy's out there, heavenly and earthly, a very special Fathers Day. Especially my wonderful hubby, I don't know what I would do without him.

Love to all xoxo Nan

Names in the Sand

This post is about the lovely woman in Australia who wrote our beautiful baby girls' names in the sand. She does this out of the kindness of her heart. Her name is Carly and she has entered an online photo contest which will be explained on the link below. Please take a moment to help her out and vote. Thanks! Love, Nan

http://scarletriver26.blogspot.com/2009/06/vote-for-christian.html

Nice people are out there!

Kelly is a sweet woman who jumped at the chance to help promote our Forum for Grieving Dads on her blogsite. Just wanted to say thank you Kelly! You can read the post and her website by clicking on the link below:

Kelly's Korner: Such a Busy Day - I don't even have a picture of Harper on this post

Also, sweet Rachel with her site http://www.tripletbutterflywings.com/ has a link to our forum as well! Rachel is the woman who has our angels names in her butterfly garden and is always so thoughtful of others and she also jumped on the chance to help!

I am so happy to have these wonderful people in my life :) Please, if you know of any Dad grieving the loss of a child, please send them to http://www.forumforgrievingdads.com/

Hugs, Nan

Find your flower...

Good morning,

It's been a while since I've said "good morning" and actually meant it. Even though things can be so hard and so sad, the good days start to appear little by little. Above is a picture of a neat breed of daylily that my cousin Lori and her family brought us on the day of the balloon release. So I planted it quickly in the girls' garden and within a week, the buds starting blooming and I woke up today to a bright single flower in the garden, how beautiful.

Everything is starting to get a little bigger in the garden and its helping to teach me that patience and time help to grow you stronger, little by little, like a flower. If you sit and try to watch the flower bloom, you will be there for a very long time, you can't force it. Just like you can't force yourself to heal, you need time, you need patience, you need to cry and scream, you need to get it out at your own pace and everyone is different.

Today, I say an extra prayer for all bereaved mammas out there to find their bloomed flower and a little less of a heavy heart.

Love, Nan