So I was thinking of what I wrote about what happened when we lost the girls. It was ten days after they were born and I wanted to get my thoughts on paper. It has also helped me explain to numerous people without having to talk too much about it, since it upsetted me so. Anyway, since I have been doing alot better than I was then, I thought Id post what I wrote on here, to have it be part of their memorial. This is their site, a tribute to my beautiful girls. It has been almost 7 weeks now and I am starting many projects to honor them, including documenting on this page. Here is the story:
In loving memory of Shelby Lee, Megan Aimee and Lynne Barbara,
March 6, 2009, born at 20 weeks, 0 days.
After 3 years of trying to conceive children, IVF finally worked and blessed us with a triplet pregnancy, our first and last pregnancy. Everything was going beautifully, all normal and good ultrasounds, so nothing would have made me think what was about to come. I lost my mucous plug on Monday March 2nd after I sneezed, and my back had been feeling like it was on fire lately. The OB office was closed due to bad weather so I called the next morning and they said “just watch it, and call us if you see any blood. If it makes you feel better, come in, but otherwise we will see you Thursday for your regular appt”. So, with them not too concerned or encouraging, I decided to not go in. I was leaving work on Thursday to go to my level 2 ultrasound and noticed I had some fluid and a very small amount of blood. When I got to the U/S appt, I told the tech I may need to see the MFM due to the plug issue and some fluid I just noticed. My Mom had come with me to this appt since my hubby had to work. The tech checked the babies and all had heartbeats around 138 so I was happy to see that, but she left the room for a minute and brought the MFM in, so then my heart sank. He said he was not going to “sugar-coat” this, but part of baby A’s sac has protruded through my 1-2 cm dilated cervix, and they have to take me to labor and delivery for monitoring and have me transferred to another hospital that can better help me. They then tilted me back as if to try and get the sac to go back up. I didn’t quite understand this and laid there silent, I looked at my Mom and she said she didn’t feel so good and (bless her heart) she fainted. My ride to L&D had not come yet so I was able to stay with her until she woke up. I was so upset, but glad to see her awake, and I am blessed to have my sister who works as a nurse at this same hospital so I knew she would be able to stay with my Mom after we got in touch with her, which did happen. I was not in L&D long and the ambulance transport came and drove me to the other hospital. They took me straight up to L&D triage to be checked out more closely. I am also blessed to have my sister in law who actually works as an OB Nurse, and she had been working that day and came in to see me and explain what was happening. They had to test to see if any of the fluids were membrane or just mucous, and they also brought up an ultrasound machine to show me what had happened and explained it again. I could clearly see that baby A was not through my cervix but that a good portion of the sac was protruding through. My husband had arrived in time to see this. The docs left for a while and then came back to tell us that the fluid is indeed amniotic fluid and that the sac had ruptured. Also, the back pain I had all week was contractions/back labor. I asked if they could fix it and everyone’s face just went blank. The news went to even more devastating and awful after this and I am just heartbroken and destroyed. They explained that they cannot do much at 20 weeks for me since the babies are not considered “viable” until 24 weeks, and that I could possibly have an infection that could eventually turn fatal for me if I did not deliver soon. They would not resuscitate or give me steroid shots to improve their lungs until 24 weeks. I was also told that if I delivered baby A and tried to keep babies B&C that they would only have a 50% chance at survival and a 90% chance of being severely handicapped, plus I still risked the chance of infection at any time especially if I spiked a fever they would also deliver me right away. The infection info was enough to make my husband say that he could not lose me and there will be no babies without me. The only thing to do was wait and try to make the best decision we knew, we pretty much knew what was going to happen inevitably, and the docs kept saying it. By the next morning I had started getting a fever and had been having more contractions so everyone agreed I had to deliver before it was too late. So I had to deliver my girls that day and got to hold them for a short while and then gave them to my husband to be with them until they left the world. They couldn’t even cry. I cannot write more of these delivery details on paper yet, I am so tormented over this whole thing I cannot stop going through 500 emotions a day, but everyone says to write write write. I have so many questions I will never have answers to. Why did this happen? Why didn’t I feel anything coming through? Could I have prevented this by going into the docs office earlier in the week? What is the lesson here and why did God take them away? How can God take 3 children like that? Should I have continued with the risk to myself and refuse delivery? I feel so guilty and angry I do not know what to do. The MFM came in to see me afterwards and said if I decide to try again that they would then give me a cerclage (stitch in the cervix at 12 weeks). Why would I try again with the chance of such an awful outcome and why didn’t they watch me closer I was almost measuring 40 weeks and why didn’t they give me a cerclage in the beginning of this pregnancy? I cannot comprehend and it has only been ten days since the girls were born. I couldn’t even find out they were 3 girls until I delivered, I was supposed to find out in the level 2 ultrasound I had scheduled for that day. I just want to know when I will stop hurting so badly.
Love is in the Air
14 hours ago