Monday, March 2, 2015
So to try and make an effort this week to stay positive and busy, we've been working on our local hospital tissue box donations for bereaved parents. Doing good in your children's names and teaching others about them is one of the most healing and rewarding feelings. Letting others know they are not alone is they only way to give back right now for us, but it gives us some purpose.
If you've found this blog because of our tissue donations, welcome, and please click on the links to your right. If you are a long time follower and supporter, thank you, thank you for all you have done to walk and continue to walk this with us. I come here when I need to find peace and sort out my thoughts, which is a bit selfish these days, but everyone is different, everyone's needs are different. My babies have taught me that its ok to do what I need to do for me and for my family. I wish the same for all of you reading as well.
Friday, February 27, 2015
I'm still drawn to coming here, especially now near their birthday. Next Friday will be 6 years. 6 YEARS. It hurts, it still freakin hurts. I just read what I wrote last year and it's the same, the same feelings, and I will even add that it's harder. Harder because every day next week will be the actual days on which everything occurred. That hasn't happened in our grief walk yet. I remember just about every tiny detail from Monday to Friday. So maybe it's going to help to have this place again. Buckle up (if I'm about to exhale). Sigh
Monday, March 3, 2014
Thursday, February 27, 2014
I've been watching the ticker again. Capturing photos of the would be milestones of three little girls prepping for their 5th birthday and wondering how crazy I'd be. Am I ever going to stop doing this? No...even if this blog is gone Ill still make a ticker somewhere or flag myself on some form of media.
I remember when perseverance was trying to get one foot in front of the other, from bed to bathroom or bed to kitchen..."just go easy on yourself". Ha. Easy. Yeah, nothing to it. I know, I know, this sounds like it's going negative, and honestly it could, very easily. Today I chose not to, because someone might be reading a need a lift, might need to hear that you can survive after losing your babies. Key word, survive. Perseverance (& a patient husband, family and friends) pulled me up about 6 months after losing the girls to start my other blog and my longing to try IVF again for an earth baby, but that is another story. It's interesting to see how many things actually pop out at you in life after loss...and why I bring up "perseverance". At work today they hung artwork, standard corporate stuff, but one I am going to see a lot of is the one with the word persevere on it...never mind the rest of the corporate !%+*¥$!, I just needed that ONE WORD to get me through the day, and may help in many other days. May you see your 'signs' when you need them most, and know you aren't alone.
Edit 2/28/14: Went to work today, saw the sign again...funny thing it actually said "persistence" and not "perseverance"! Crazy what I wanted to see, thought I saw, and actually saw. My mind is beautifully complicated and amazing for showing me the protections I need when these harder times approach. It reminds me to ride the grief waves as graceful as possible, and allow myself to fall if necessary.
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
She screams silently inside
Pleasing everyone alive
She weeps for little ones above
And now has trouble showing love
The outside shell is now cracked
Anything that seeps in makes her feel attacked
What does she do to make it through
She keeps on hanging on like glue
One foot in front of the other, so they say
But it's never good enough for them to see her make it through the day
The grieving Mom she cannot hide
So she screams silently inside
Thursday, January 30, 2014
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Monday, December 31, 2012
There is nothing like a good old blog post. I have missed blogging since I found FB this year, where I spew off a quick tiny rant to get something quickly off my chest, or post something adorable on Autumn’s milestones. Still, FB can never replace writing your heart out on here. I am going to make an effort to blog more and connect again with old bloggie friends and continue to make new ones in 2013. If you want to connect with me on FB and haven’t yet, please email me at email@example.com.
We haven’t been sleeping. Rather, Autumn isn’t sleeping well which in turn makes us not sleep well. I love to get up and see her but sometimes it does take its toll when it’s all night back and forth and you have to work the next day (not bitching!). Autumn has a 2 & ½ year checkup in January so we will address it with the doctor to see if they have suggestions. Still, I’m forever grateful for being the parent of a rainbow and getting the chance to parent a living child. With that comes some enhanced anxiety that I’ve never experienced before. I’ve always had panic attacks, and depression bouts. Now the panic attacks have upped in intensity with new symptoms of vertigo and numbing arms. Once I was able to recognize it, I was able to address it. In 2013, it looks like I will be working on “me” again, with returning to the psychologist and playing with getting a medication suitable to my needs. ‘All I want’ is to be ever present in the moment and be ok for Autumn and my family. Struggling has always been there since losing the girls, it just gets buried deep down when you are busy, and needs to surface more or I cry more. People think you are ok, but in the background you are planning what you will do for their next birthday in Heaven, etc. (Yes, I am doing that)
I find myself watching a movie with Autumn and crying so hard, half mixed with joy that I am actually watching a movie with her, and the other is that the movie will strike a chord with my loss and the aftermath. I cried watching Tangled…I cried watching Beauty and the Beast…I cried most recently watching Annie, wishing I could reach into that orphanage and adopt a child as easily as Daddy Warbucks could. Avoiding movies isn’t going to happen. I do however, avoid ALL music on the radio unless its kids songs with Autumn in the car.
Some people might think 4 years is a long time and that I should not be where I am mentally. To those people I say unless you have been in my shoes do not judge. There are many highs and many lows which will be forever. Ask the Mom who lost her daughter 30+ years ago if she does not remember or honor her in some way and weep for them. Ask the sister who lost a baby sister if she does not remember the childhood memory of crying at school 60 years ago and the teacher giving her a hard time about it. You just don’t forget. You don’t forget any loss for that matter. I feel NO PEACE with the thought of a child passing or that my children are in Heaven, except with the thought that they might be with loved ones. I was an absolute wreck for days after hearing about the CT school shooting, horrified for those parents and what is to come for them and their families forever and what those children went through. I will not go into more detail about it, but at one point for my own sanity I had to shut it out, turn it all off because I could not handle the sorrow. I am sure I am not alone in that.
In 2013 I will continue to heal, continue to fight, and continue to be here. I’m always here. That’s all we can really do when we are still trying to parent children even though they are in Heaven, and if we are lucky, parent a child on Earth too. The perspective of that thought has never been more eye-opening to me than now. I can’t do enough for ALL of my children.
Much love, and hoping 2013 is a happy or better one for you all.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Tonight, after the house settled (sort of!), I managed to make my way out to the babies' garden, water the plants who are starving for water on these hot humid summer days, and reflect. From the picture above you can see when it starts getting dark, we have some solar lights wrapped around the tree, 3 butterflies that light up and change colors and also our original turtle that holds a butterfly that lights up from the early days of the garden making began. There is so much love and significance going on in this little corner of my yard/world, and I am grateful I am able to go out there and think of them, even though it hurts, and it helps, and it makes me miss them more, and it makes me feel their presence.
I know, regardless of my losing them at 20 weeks, I still stick to the due due of 40 weeks even though a normal triplet pregnancy is not 40 weeks. Its was still the date I was given at the very beginning and I tie it to them forever.
I had a memory while I was out there tonight. Do you see the picture on my profile? Well that was taken the very night we did our HCG trigger shot that eventually brought us our baby girls. We were at a restaurant because it was my Mom's 70th birthday and me and my sister went into the very lovely ladies room (I know, so idyllic!) and she administered my shot exactly at 7:30. That night was also the night the Phillies won the world series, a present to my Mom no doubt as she is a great fan. Mike and I had an argument on the way home and I can't even remember why, probably medication and hormones from the cycle. So many things went on in just a matter of hours that night. I look at that profile picture and I see a person I don't know alot about anymore. I look at how young she still looked, and how weathered I look now. I see a naive person in that picture, who was on her 2nd IVF cycle praying for a BFP, and when I got it, had no idea about babyloss or that babies died. Naive idiot. A person who kept getting excellent progress reports and couldn't wait to keep growing and growing and wondered how big I would get with 3 babies and a 4'11" body to hold them. It stings, not as harshly, but it still stings and brings the tears.
No doubt, I am the only one who remembers this date. Im ok with that, where in years past, I wasn't ok with that because it made me feel as though no one cared about my babies and wanted me to move on. I think most people know Im not "moving on" by now, and that this is forever. I am surviving, and I am still standing and persevering. I do not want to hear I should be happy Autumn is here, as that is a given, and she never "replaced" my triplets, she is her own person and things just do not work that way in this situation. These beautiful girls are a part of lives forever, my firstborn children...and Autumn will always have 3 big sisters in Heaven.
So many more thoughts in my head, but I must sleep. I still haven't dreamt about the girls in a positive way yet, I know someday I will, and I hope someday they are in my dreams, but for now they are forever in my heart.
Love, Nan xoxoxo
Shelby, Megan and Lynne,
You were, and still are, more wanted and loved by us so much. My dreams for you to be here never end, and my arms will always ache for what could have been. We love you always.
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Friday, June 22, 2012
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Friday, June 8, 2012
I’ve started to recognize when things are coming to a head (about to burst!) and I can sometimes stop it before I completely blow up. Dare I say, even have a little bit of control. In my last post I said I wanted control. In a way I have it, but not in the sense that I was speaking because I wanted control to have my girls on earth. But to recognize your signs of getting too low and needing to come up for air, is really a feat in my world.
I’m also learning a few new ways to bring the girls’ memory more into our daily lives, like singing with Autumn at night and including their names, we also like to say goodnight to the “Sissies in the Sky”. I love playing in the garden with Autumn and seeing how much she loves to pick their flowers and give them to me.
I have lots of pictures of the garden, here is a link if you would like to see them from first blooms to lots of blooms. I will be updating my other blog soon too with pictures of Autumn playing in it, she does love to go over there and I can’t wait to make it bigger! There will definitely be a new section before the end of the summer, I really need to move some extra mulch we bought!
Praying you all feel a little peace and have a nice weekend. And if I haven’t commented on your blogs for a while, please know I’m not out of your loop, I still read I’m just not always able to comment, especially from my crappy phone!!!
Love always, Nan xoxoxo
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Thursday, May 24, 2012
I'm realizing that when you have time to stop, slow down and think about things and how your own life has unfolded after a sea of storms, you then realize why you have kept yourself so incessantly busy for days, weeks and months. But I NEED this. I need to write. I need to keep a check on myself, and touching the keyboard keys helps me touch them. Wearing my memorial jewelry helps me touch them. Working in my garden helps me touch them. I need something tangible. Because I miss them and I want to see those sweet would-be 3 year olds running, playing and spinning in circles around me. Never doubt, I am so grateful for my hubby and rainbow, but always missing my sweet trio. Love to the sky and always sweet baby girls...
I can get by with nothing
Of all the blessings life can bring,
I've always needed something
But I've got all I want
When it comes to loving you
You're my only reason,
You're my only truth
I need you like water
Like breath, like rain
I need you like mercy
From Heaven's gate
There's a freedom in your arms
That carries me through
I need you
You're the hope that moves me
To courage again
You're the love that rescues me
When the cold winds rage
And it's so amazing
'Cause that's just how you are
And I can't turn back now
'Cause you've brought me too far
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
About two years ago on my girls first birthday in Heaven, I was fumbling around a lot trying to figure out what I wanted to do. One of the things I came up with (I think by suggestion of another BLM but I cannot remember, sorry, it was fuzzy back then!) was donating K.leenex tissues to the local hospital I delivered the babies at. I remember my Mom bringing me some soft tissues because the hospital boxes (although helpful and purposeful) were scratching my face from all of the tears and would only last about all of five minutes. I had a few BLM’s contact me via email or this blog saying thank you for the tissues, and it made me feel good that I could help another grieving parent in a small/big way by letting them know they aren’t alone. We also donated them last year as well, but this year we were down the shore over a longer period of time and didn’t get around to it. I was recently contacted by the hospital (I always leave my contact info if they want to ask for more donations) asking if I was still doing this, and if so they could really use them. My heart sank and sung at the same time reading that email, as I could tell there must have been a surge in losses, but at the same time to know that the nurses were using all of these resources to get more comfort to grieving parents, was just bittersweet. So, I will be getting another lot of tissues over there shortly. I also asked what else they could use and I will share once I hear back in case anyone is interested. But if you are thinking of doing something in honor of your baby or babies, and know if your local hospital is in need of something to comfort another bereaved parent, think about contacting the nurse manager in labor and delivery and they may be able to point you in the right direction. Some hospitals aren’t well equipped to handle this, but with your help in donations and/or awareness, no matter how big or small, you can make a difference. I always put a label with my blog link and forum link on the boxes as well, just in case they see it and can find a place to start. When I first lost my girls, writing on my blog was so comforting, along with finding forums and the help of a psychologist, and it stills helps to this day, even though I am not online as much as I would like to be. I don’t even know how I found my way to the internet after such a horrific raw time, but I am forever grateful.
May you have a lovely day, full of love and light. Love, Nan xoxoxo
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Love you baby girls...
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Thinking of all mommies who have to live on earth while their children play in Heaven, we will reunite one day. This day is for all of us and I will be dedicating my day to my babies, which just happens to fall of the "6th" :) To read more on this day and how it was created, you can click here. Much Love, Nan xoxoxo
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Welcome to those of you linking up with Tesha’s blog or just finding my blog for the first time.
I am Nan, and I lost my triplet daughters a little over 3 years ago. If you read the link “Our Story” on the right side on my blog, you will read a very early account of my feelings in very raw grief. Time has softened those rough edges, but there are days when I still need to cry an ugly cry, or just cry all day in spurts and stay in bed, and miss my babies terribly. I have learned that this is forever, and the road can be hard to navigate, but I know someday I will be with my precious girls again.
It has been very much a roller coaster ride, but through the strength of meeting other Moms who have gone through losing a child or children, I have persevered. I was able to go through one more attempt at IVF and very luckily conceive my rainbow baby Autumn, who is my world. If you want to learn more about Autumn and my struggle to get her here safe, I do have another blog, you can click here to read.
I appreciate the fact that Tesha linked up to Infertility Awareness week as well, as I like to bring awareness that not everyone can get pregnant on their own. To have any kind of treatment is very expensive and is not a guaranteed pregnancy. I wrote about it on my short post yesterday if you want to read it, but I have gone through three IVF attempts, which the 1st one we did not get pregnant, the 2nd one brought us our triplet girls in Heaven, and the 3rd one brought us our earthly baby Autumn. These processes can be so daunting, but also so worth it. I know I could not have gone through our 3rd attempt without the love, support and encouragement of my fellow loss mommies and daddies, and I very much love this community of beautiful men and women.
One more point I wanted to make. I only met Tesha about a week ago, and already I feel an instant connection with her. We met through Kelly’s Korner blog link up, so I firmly believe that these link ups work and bring many of us together to help and support eachother. Please visit Tesha’s site if you have not already done so, and send her love and support. She lost her precious Jonathan just 3 short months ago today. Oddly enough, 3 months after I lost my girls, is when I “met” Kelly from Kelly’s Korner, who kindly helped me promote our Forum for Grieving Dads. This morning, I looked back at my journey at 3 month posts from June 2009 and saw so much of myself in Tesha and where she is now. Everyone’s road is different, but we are all in this together. Tesha, I hope the day is gentle on you and I’m thinking of Jonathan with you today on his 3 month angelversary, big hugs.
May you all have a good day, and feel lifted with support and close to your children in Heaven today and always.
Much love, Nan xoxoxo
Monday, April 23, 2012
Way too many of us struggle with infertility in this world. I was fortunate in one aspect that I had one of the very few state mandated insurances that cover 4 IVF trials (NJ), which was the only way I was able to conceive my children. I don't like the fact that insurance dictated my ability to try though, and we lost that insurance two years ago, so no more trying for us. But, with awareness and spreading the word, we can try and get all states to mandate fertility coverage through insurance plans...please pass this message along!!!
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Grab This Button
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Here is the link to the pictures we took over the weekend and on their birthday. CLICK HERE if you wish to see.
What was different this year than years prior, is that I was 'fine', until their actual Birthday day came, and I was a crying mess most of the day. I felt like I was re-living the hours again, and I remember EVERYTHING like it was yesterday, almost minute for minute. I don't have to write down a thing, not even a minor detail ever seems to fade away. Years prior, it was all of those days leading up that were hard and then the actual day was peaceful. Complete opposite! This road never seems to take the same path, so I figure I would write it down to remember that when I ask myself 'WTF' next year! I wonder what Autumn will say when she is old enough to understand that I'm crying, I hope I can keep it together for her and keep making more beautiful peaceful memories each year for her big sisters. Anyway, just wanted to share. Thank you for all of your thoughts, prayers, love and support...always, I will always remember how everyone helps lift me up, and I can only hope I do the same for you all.
Love, Nan xxxooo
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Monday, February 6, 2012
The past two years we have found ourselves drawn to the beach, maybe its an attachment to their names in the sand or the waves representing the roller coaster ride it's been since losing them, or just being away in a quiet spot (quite frankly its cold and no one is there, and I like it that way!). Last year we forgot to bring the urn with us and had to come home early, so I will be sure not to forget to do that. Regardless, Mike and I both feel that their birthday is our time to reflect and be by ourselves away from everyone, without any influences or pressure, except now we get to share it with Autumn, which is still so bittersweet. Another thing I am planning is trying to finish their scrapbook that we started on their first birthday. I have to give a huge thank you to Meredith's Mommy, Sarita for sending me a beautiful package which included personalized scrapbook tags that are just perfect and I cannot wait to add them. Thank you Sarita! So now I am just trying to find a few more things to do and will share if I get some new ideas.
I have so many thoughts I want to get out, so many wishes I want to send, so many tears I want to cry, for me, for you, for our babies who are above, for those couples trying to conceive, for those trying to adopt, for those couples expecting again who are on edge, for those who recently lost and have the raw raw pain on the inside just bursting to scream outloud. I wonder how everyone is, if we still share many of the same thoughts. Do you feel like you want to be alone on your babies birthday or do you want to celebrate big and involve everyone and open yourself up for those not=meant=to=be=hurtful=but=are, comments. I can't handle those at all, I snap right up now and speak up, whereas before I would not, but I have to to protect my heart and let people know it still stings sometimes, and that I want to talk about my girls even if I cry.
See? Many thoughts...I could go on, but I must sleep and recharge for the next month to come. Love to all, Nan xxxooo
Sweet dreams my beautiful baby girls in Heaven. I know you are never more than a thought away. We love you so much.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
The pictures don't really doesn't do these justice. It's a gold-ish color with three swavorski (sp?) color crystals in the center, three in one package at the craft store jewelry making section. I wandered for about 20 minutes and it finally popped out at me, I cannot tell you how much I LOVE THAT, when it happens :) So I sewed them on to the stockings over the weekend and I'm missing my sweet girls like crazy. Much love goes out to all of you reading this, no matter what your situation is, I hope you feel embraced by this lovely community of women and men, and that the Holidays are gentle on you. Our babies in Heaven are always in our hearts. xxxooo Nan
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
It's the 6th again, and only 4 months until their 3rd Birthday. It's also time to think about what we will add to our sweet angels' stockings for their 3rd Xmas in Heaven this year. Hmmm...something always pops out at me, so we shall see what it will be this year.
It helps to have started a tradition that involves including the babies every year, and this is something we can do forever :)
Big hugs to those that are struggling, especially this time of year. Much love, Nan
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
I woke to what I think is the last flower in the babies garden and also that their tree is winterizing herself. It's always so beautiful to me and reminds me to think of the good things again.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Sometimes you have to go fishing, (no not in the great outdoors!) fishing for answers. My last post was to say to my friends in blogosphere that “Hey, I’m struggling, are you struggling too? What do you do to get through it even this far down the road, or are you flopping and flailing like a fish out of water like me too?”
When I talk about my psychologist and what she helps me to see and realize, I want to share it to see if it will help you too. I realize this may not be for everyone, but for myself, there have been a couple of real eye opening sessions. I’ve been battling depression since I was about 21 or so, I am now 36, and didn’t start seeing a psychologist until one month after I lost my baby girls. I have been on and off medications to help, and they usually get me through. I usually know when I am starting another round of depression requiring meds. For instance, lately all it takes is a little trigger and I can drop to my knees and sob, or tears to start streaming with a mere thought of the words “depression” “pressure” or “bitterness”, especially when they are brought up in the psychologists office, and sometimes sitting at my desk at work. Thankfully there is no shortage of tissues at either place, and I don’t care what other people think when it happens. But my point is, when you think you may need help or aren’t sure if you need help, chances are you may. That is not to say you have to go on medication right this instant, but it’s important to talk to a doctor you trust, even if it’s your PCP.
I gotta tell ya, I’m terrified of taking Autumn to the doctors when she is sick, I get panic attacks and super nervous, want to throw up, the whole nine. But it’s a fear of me setting things up to fail as I said in my last post, thinking the doctor will say “She has to go to the hospital for further tests” and then the fear that she will get wheeled away or something, and then the roller coaster starts. But nothing happens; she is completely fine and just needs an antibiotic for an ear infection or just to be watched for a common cold, etc, and we go home thankfully. Those awful thoughts get in my head and I can’t stop it some days. So when I say my brain needs to be re-trained, I think you may understand why now. I apply that train of thought to many things, not just Autumn’s doctor visit. Not good.
Also, if you have other difficult things going on in your life, it just contributes to the grief and depression of losing your child and/or children. I guess I will just bare my soul even more, but what has been the topper for me lately is the realization of not trying to have biological children anymore, it’s over, and I’m slowly accepting it. I just really wanted to try to have an earthly sibling for Autumn to play with so she could grow up like we did, is that selfish? I think not. Mike and I just have every odd against us at this point and I don’t even think I could mentally or physically wrap my head around another IVF cycle (let alone afford it) which isn’t a guaranteed baby anyhow, or even go through a pregnancy full of surgeries and trauma or possible loss. None of our IVF embies ever froze, so there is no chance of a future FET. I am now on BC pills for endometriosis which they aren’t sure how invasive it is, but who knows with all of the things my body has been through, but it’s been painful so I assume the worst (like always). My hubby has had two work accidents in the past 6 years (one near fatal) which thankfully he is ok but he has been out of work for quite some time (not by his choice). The one good thing I find out of that is that he is home with Autumn. Who knows, maybe if we can get our personal life together again we could even talk about adoption, it’s not out of the picture, but we are nowhere near stable enough at this point. There is much more, but I digress. I love having my rainbow most of all and am forever grateful for her making it to be with us on earth. I guess I’m just looking for some hope, some positivity in my negative mind, trying to swim to the surface before I feel like I’m drowning again. I know someday my attitude could affect Autumn and I have to keep trying to fix myself for her most of all.
So how do you will yourself forward when you are stuck in a rut? Blog, reach out to one of us, see a doc, get meds, go fishing, do whatever you have to do I suppose to keep moving forward. I feel better when I blog, time doesn’t allow much of it, but I’m trying. Tell me what you do to feel better…I love to hear suggestions.
Thinking of you all, sending much love back to you for your support and unconditional love xxxooo Nan
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Monday, October 17, 2011
Friday, October 14, 2011
Love, Nan xoxoxo
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Love to you in the clouds my sweet baby girls.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
I miss them, so much, and am grateful for people in my life that allow me to be who I need to be, and also for people who look for things in "3's" for me :)
Love, Nan xoxoxo
If you want to see garden progress this year, its wonderful, click here!
Sunday, March 6, 2011
We have been thinking of you constantly and trying to stay focused on hoping you are playing in clouds with your family and angel friends. Thank you for showing us what true love is and for all of the blessings we try to live for everyday. Thank you also for the three ships, three seagulls, three bumblebees, three windsailing kites and the beautiful scenery you painted in the sky.
We love you more than words could possibly express,
Love, Daddy, Mommy, S & Autumn xxxooo
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
I have alot of things that have been bothering me for a while now, and keeping it bottled up. Not a good thing to do, now I know.
Now that I can recognize what I'm going through, I want to TALK about it, I want to TALK about my girls and celebrate their brief beatiful lives and what they have taught me. But I find that many people IRL (not all, but alot) shy away from me when I want to talk about it, they change the subject or walk away. Really? Seriously, do they even know what I've really been through in the last 6 years alone (yes, they do)? Enough for two lifetimes or more. I left my psychologist appointment last Monday in sobbing tears, the flood gates opened as I realized I really haven't been facing or embracing my thoughts or feelings. I drove to my Moms who thankfully lives 5 minutes away from there and just fell apart on the floor, literally. Then the next day I got super angry, and was angry for about a week which actually affected my work and someone thought I threw them under the proverbial bus. Which, by the way is something I would never ever do. Now I'm in a lull, which is what I think is depression...and I'm on medication now for depression, so what the heck? Phases, ugh.
Grief seems to always win until you recognize the phase you are in. If you cannot outlet your grief somehow, well, atleast for me, I know it will come out in some other way. When I wasn't facing it, I started dreaming and having nightmares...dreaming horrible horrible dreams, and I am still having a few, but they are not as bad. I dream of people being possessed by demons and I have to shake the crap out of them to snap out of it...can you guess what that one means? Yep, I'm asking people to wake the frig up and just listen! You don't have to reply, just listen!!!!!!!!!!!!! There were many other horrible dreams, but most I'd rather keep to myself.
I've been away from blogging for so long now. Partially because I start to write and have to erase it all because my thoughts overwhelm me, and I worry about what others think too much. I know this place is my story to write and etc etc, but I also worry about offending others who read here. I always want to be sensitive to readers who have been through loss, so I try not to bring up Autumn, but she comes up in everything I do. She is forever a little sister on earth to my triplets in Heaven, so how could I leave her out? So if I mention her, please know my intent is not to upset anyone. I will always try to just mention her on our other blog. Sometimes I feel guilty having any of these thoughts in my head when I have Autumn and feel I should just shut up. It's all very conflicting.
I read everyone's blogs every week or so as to keep up, so please know even though I don't comment, I am still thinking of you, wondering, praying, hoping all is as well as it can be.
A good friend texted me and said it best how I've been feeling lately: "It seems like no matter how good you are, it's never great because they aren't here".
I hope I'm off my soapbox for now, I just really needed to vent. Maybe someone out there is feeling the same way I am and if so I hope this brought some comfort to you to know you aren't alone.
We are planning a trip to the beach over the triplets' birthday, and even though it will be cold there, I just felt like we needed some "us" time, to just "be". I think we might light some fireworks and if the weather cooperates we might take lots of beach walks and sit on the jettys. Keeping it simple this year but I know I need to be away from here.
Monday, October 18, 2010
I didn't have alot of time after work to get this together, but wanted to share that I lighted candles in honor of all our babies with every candle I had. I did better last year, but next year I want to make sure I have it just perfect. I noticed last year and this year both had very windy cold days, and that my plans for an outside night vigil were not going to happen, so this is what I have, and it was sweet. Hubby and I hugged for a long while and had some tears, but ultimately it showed us even more how much love we have for our children in the sky, and that not a day goes by that we don't think about them. Click here for more pictures, and I hope you all had beautiful candlelit memories. Love, Nan
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Since my last post, I have been struggling with what to write. I think we all have either a writer's block sometimes or even just need a break every once in a while. When the year and half mark hit last month, the day was Labor Day (ugh) and I went to the park to walk and push Autumn in her stroller. There I was.....walking, weeping, sobbing and then staring at a beautiful face that will someday know that she has three big sisters who are now in Heaven. I asked myself for a month, how can I still struggle when I have Autumn? Then I realized these things:
1) Because the fact is that my girls were real, they were here and that I still grieve their loss and their dream.
2) Because all of the things I used to do (ie. blog, garden), I can't do as much. So that can sometimes feel like I am taking time away from reflecting on them.
3) Because with each year, the grief gets a little lighter, with some setbacks, but the feeling of guilt comes into the picture for it feeling lighter.
4) Because I'll always worry about losing Autumn too.
None of this is easy, and honestly I have not walked the most graceful path, but to get the thoughts out of my head and to maybe know that someone else may be feeling the same way, just makes me feel better.
My therapist shared something a few months back that may be helpful to some of you, and I have been wanting to write about it for a while. I asked her why I couldn't "process" (in other words, why did I break down hysterically) some things as easily anymore, such as thoughts of a baby shower for myself until Autumn arrived safely. It is because we process things differently now...when someone is grieving, the thought process has alot layers because it has too many things to consider, and becomes emotional overload. So, for example, a baby shower, you think, why can't I handle it? Because, A) It reminds you what you should have had a year ago, B) Fear of seeing another small baby, C) Fear of seeing baby bumps besides your own, D) If it was a surprise shower, then you would feel betrayed by all who knew upfront that you couldn't handle it, E) Fear of having to return gifts or look at a room full of gifts if your baby did not make it, F) I could go on and on and on. Many many layers. And that is just one example. I had a shower after Autumn was born, and I cried a bunch, but I was prepared for it, and prepared to talk about my girls that day also. Surprises don't sit well with us, and I know most here reading can relate.
Anyway, I just wanted to share that. And also, I am thinking of all of our babies in Heaven tomorrow and always. I will be lighting a bunch of candles and we will all be together in spirit tomorrow. I also plan to try and decorate the babies' garden with some flowers and pumpkins.
Hugs, and lots of love, Nan xxx
Sunday, September 5, 2010
I had a butterfly that was flying all around me and Autumn on our front porch that let me take numerous pictures up close.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Today is 17 months without my sweet triplet girls, and I still see those special Heaven sent signs that could be none other than them blowing kisses to us. We drove past a local florist who does displays in this large 2nd floor window, and guess what was in it? Three giant butterflies...just beautiful. Love you, sweet angels.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Love, Nan xxx
Above is a picture of the mural in our nursery, it is near completion with a few finishing touches needed. The three eggs in the nest represent Shelby, Megan and Lynne. Ironically, their real tree in the garden has a nest that looks exactly like that that we have pictures of, no eggs though. The seven flowers represent Mike, me, Shelby, Megan, Lynne, my stepson and our daughter on the way. The leaves on the tree represent all of the girls' angel friends in Heaven and their rainbow friends on earth.
Love, Nan xxx
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Saturday, July 3, 2010
You've struggled with not having your child or children with you everyday on earth
You've struggled with seeing other women pregnant and/or going (or not) to their baby showers
You've struggled being around infants or toddlers as sometimes they remind you of what you are missing
You've struggled with trying to get pregnant naturally or go through IF treatments or go through adoption
You've struggled (if you've gotten pregnant or are adopting now) with wondering if your earthly baby or babies are going to make it or if you will have more angels in Heaven or a failed adoption
You've struggled with guilt and all of the phases of grief over and over and over again
You know this is going to effect you for the rest of your life and will always be on your heart and mind
Etc...Etc...Etc...the list goes on and on
So why should anyone have to struggle through trying to make it again to be earthly parents no matter what the route? Why can't things just be ok? Why can't there be a guarantee, like on a box of brake pads? I'm sorry but my heart is very heavy today and I have to ask God why anymore. I am not super religious but I have my own beliefs. Call me selfish, but I want my friends to be ok and to have their babies on earth, just like I want mine too. So I will cling to hope and pray and ask that you also pray for not just my friends, but for all of us in this community going through every struggle we know all too well. Maybe the key is that we all keep bonding together to form a super alliance...wouldn't super powers be nice right now.
Love, Nan xxx
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Thanks for your help xxx Nan
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