The day before...

Looking at those little footprints makes me go deep in wondrous thought.  Little would-be four year olds dancing around in our back yard, how different would they look from each other since they were fraternal, would they get along most times and be best friends, how much closer they would be in age to their 5 year old cousin and the fun times they would have had.  It’s so sad to have to wonder.  It’s so sad to have to wait to hope to be reunited with them in Heaven one day.  It’s sad to relive those moments of utter despair when you find out your babies are going to have to be born and not live.  Who they hell am I to make that call?  Just sad.  Looking back, nothing would have prepared me for that day.  I thought I would be handling this much better 4 years later, but the truth is, I still relive this hour by hour, I still feel an empty pit in my stomach where they resided for 5 months, I still am crying on and off at work and trying to let no one notice.  12:30pm 4 years ago today, I was sitting on a table waiting for the “big 3 hour ultrasound” so we could find out how well everything was going and maybe learn the genders of our babies.  And then a day later they were gone.  Bitter. Bitter. Bitter.  Once tomorrow comes and goes I will feel lighter, but right now I am heavy and need to embrace the thoughts, the images and the grief.  If you are going through this as well, I know for certain its ok to feel sad 5, 10, 20, 30, 40 or more years down the road, as they are forever our children. Much love, Nan xoxoxo