Thursday, May 24, 2012

Little tugs

Sitting here printing out labels for our tissue box donations and realized that one of my browsers was open to my blog.  Tug.  Small sound coming from my computer from the lowered speakers.  Tug.  My playlist on the very bottom of my blog is playing automatically the long ago created list.  Tug.  It's the song I used to sing to my very big measured triplet belly before I lost my girls, which happens to be our wedding song.  Tug.  Now these other songs are playing and I can't help but shed what I think are very much needed tears.  Tug. Tug. Thinking about my lunch hour walk the other day and seeing those 3 butterflies on the elementary school building windows.  Tug. Tug. Tug. 

I'm realizing that when you have time to stop, slow down and think about things and how your own life has unfolded after a sea of storms, you then realize why you have kept yourself so incessantly busy for days, weeks and months.  But I NEED this.  I need to write.  I need to keep a check on myself, and touching the keyboard keys helps me touch them.  Wearing my memorial jewelry helps me touch them.  Working in my garden helps me touch them.  I need something tangible.  Because I miss them and I want to see those sweet would-be 3 year olds running, playing and spinning in circles around me.  Never doubt, I am so grateful for my hubby and rainbow, but always missing my sweet trio.  Love to the sky and always sweet baby girls...

~I NEED YOU by Leann Rimes~
I don't need a lot of things,
I can get by with nothing
Of all the blessings life can bring,
I've always needed something
But I've got all I want
When it comes to loving you
You're my only reason,
You're my only truth
I need you like water
Like breath, like rain
I need you like mercy
From Heaven's gate
There's a freedom in your arms
That carries me through
I need you
You're the hope that moves me
To courage again
You're the love that rescues me
When the cold winds rage
And it's so amazing
'Cause that's just how you are
And I can't turn back now
'Cause you've brought me too far

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Tuesday Link Up and Donations to Hospitals

Today is Link Up with Tesha’s Blog Tuesdays! Link up and find or support another grieving parent if you can. It helps so much to know we aren’t alone.

About two years ago on my girls first birthday in Heaven, I was fumbling around a lot trying to figure out what I wanted to do. One of the things I came up with (I think by suggestion of another BLM but I cannot remember, sorry, it was fuzzy back then!) was donating K.leenex tissues to the local hospital I delivered the babies at. I remember my Mom bringing me some soft tissues because the hospital boxes (although helpful and purposeful) were scratching my face from all of the tears and would only last about all of five minutes. I had a few BLM’s contact me via email or this blog saying thank you for the tissues, and it made me feel good that I could help another grieving parent in a small/big way by letting them know they aren’t alone. We also donated them last year as well, but this year we were down the shore over a longer period of time and didn’t get around to it. I was recently contacted by the hospital (I always leave my contact info if they want to ask for more donations) asking if I was still doing this, and if so they could really use them. My heart sank and sung at the same time reading that email, as I could tell there must have been a surge in losses, but at the same time to know that the nurses were using all of these resources to get more comfort to grieving parents, was just bittersweet. So, I will be getting another lot of tissues over there shortly. I also asked what else they could use and I will share once I hear back in case anyone is interested. But if you are thinking of doing something in honor of your baby or babies, and know if your local hospital is in need of something to comfort another bereaved parent, think about contacting the nurse manager in labor and delivery and they may be able to point you in the right direction. Some hospitals aren’t well equipped to handle this, but with your help in donations and/or awareness, no matter how big or small, you can make a difference. I always put a label with my blog link and forum link on the boxes as well, just in case they see it and can find a place to start. When I first lost my girls, writing on my blog was so comforting, along with finding forums and the help of a psychologist, and it stills helps to this day, even though I am not online as much as I would like to be. I don’t even know how I found my way to the internet after such a horrific raw time, but I am forever grateful.

May you have a lovely day, full of love and light. Love, Nan xoxoxo

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Tuesday Link-Up & Random Ramblings

First I have to thank sweet Tesha for taking the time to put a whole lotta angel baby names out there for BLM’s she has connected with so far. And to post them all and dedicate them all, just amazing! I cried happy tears seeing my sweet girls names.  Please link up your blog today with Tesha's if you can!

Second, I received a beautiful bracelet from Tina and I just want to thank her for her kindness, it meant a lot to me, its gorgeous and I wear it everyday!! And also, everyone else who sends me cards and notes and messages, thank you, they all mean the world to me!! I really don’t know where I would be without all of you.

Third, some family members “get it”, but it’s very rare anymore to talk out loud about my heavenly babies except to my husband. I almost feel like sometimes people think we are unapproachable or afraid of us! My Mom and my sister have both been through miscarriages, but they don’t think of it the same as I do, that their loss was a child lost too, they think it’s different because I held my babies, but to me, they have every right to grieve as I do, if they want to. It’s been a heavy 3 months. You know that feeling of just a lot of sadness and tiredness. I don’t know what it is, but I hope the feeling passes soon. I know when my mind needs a break from blogging and emailing, etc, and I know with my depression history when it’s time to go on meds. I’m not there yet, but I fear if this doesn’t lift I may have to, which there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, it just makes you feel a little defeated that you can’t snap out of it on your own. Maybe writing this will help me get through it, ya never know!!  I plan on doing more gardening in the babies garden this weekend which might be soothing too!  It's beautiful!

Lastly, this week is National Nurses Week. If you have a nurse or nurses in your life, please be sure to say thank you for all you do, even when it’s not national nurses week, it makes them feel good! My sister and SIL are both nurses and I cannot even imagine doing what they do day in and day out. They were both there to help me deliver my triplets, and I know they were distraught, but they somehow kept strong for me (tears).

Much Love, Nan xoxoxo

Love you baby girls...

Saturday, May 5, 2012

International Bereaved Mother's Day

Thinking of all mommies who have to live on earth while their children play in Heaven, we will reunite one day. This day is for all of us and I will be dedicating my day to my babies, which just happens to fall of the "6th" :)  To read more on this day and how it was created, you can click here.  Much Love, Nan xoxoxo