I have had the last 8 weeks to focus on our loss and think about the girls. I have to return to work tomorrow and Im feeling alot of anxiety right now. I don't want to take my focus off of our angels for a second. Would I be feeling this same way if the girls were here and not in heaven? Probably so. But it almost feels like work will get in the way. I guess I have to just hold my breath and do it, but I know my mind will not be there, it will be staring out the window. Maybe eventually I will find the balance, but in my head and my heart, the scale is tipping with the longing to have my babies here and still make sense of it all. When do you know you are finally "ok"? When does the hurt stop? How do you get your mind to focus? I want to be able to walk in the nursery and look through our mementos if I need to during the day. I want to keep working in the garden and feel the sunshine all day. I want to be able to sit and cry all by myself if I need to. Work is getting in the way. I have seen alot of suggestions for remembering the babies, and one of them is getting a customized piece of jewely so you can wear it and feel like your angels are with you. Perhaps I need to look into this more. Wish me luck. Love, Nan
I was watching my youngest niece yesterday (sister still sick) and we played all morning. Holly is 16 months and just adorable. So, can a child help heal your heart? For some, maybe not, but for me, absolutely. When her little face looks up at me and smiles or when she reaches up for me to pick her up or when she laughs cause I say "Im gonna get ya!", it makes my heart melt. I just had an awesome time with her and it made me realize that I still do want to continue the quest to be an earthly Mommy someday, no matter how hard IVF will be again. How can you not with this face?!
Also I was also trying to retouch the photo of the ducks from the other night and get it to be lighter - not sure if you can make them out but here goes:
Today was the first time that someone who didn't know me asked if I had kids. My instant response was "not yet". I was so upset with myself that I said that, but it wasn't the time nor the place to explain it, and quite frankly, I am not ready to have to explain it especially to someone I don't know. What I wanted to say is that I have three beautiful triplet angels together in heaven. I guess I'll be better prepared if it happens again since that hit me like a brick wall. Someday.....I will overcome.
An added note about yesterday and the garden...later last night right before it became very dark, two ducks, a Momma and Pappa were waddling near the girls' garden! I tried to get a pic but it was too dark for the camera. I thought, how sweet would that be if she laid eggs near the garden and had little baby ducklings running around. And then the cloud above my head was popped by the 100 pound puppy barking and jumping up on the fence, and so they flew away.....so much for that!
My poor sister has pneumonia, she had to get checked out at the hospital today. She has a busy house to run with her hubby and three great kids 13, 10 and 1. All I could think to do was to try and do half of what she had done for me during my recovery after we lost our children, but it doesn't seem like enough just to watch the kids or finish her laundry. I am just glad I have these last couple days off before I return to work on Friday if she needs me. I am so grateful for her and wish I could do more.
It feels like our family continually gets battered, but we somehow pull through, but Im getting so so tired. Maybe its a post-partum depression thing, I now have no pregnancy hormone in my system anymore and a period from hell. It just hurts. All of it. Sorry this post is turning out to be sad and all about me, not much of a tribute to my angels, but I guess this is the part of still feeling lost without them, and I needed to get this out of my head somehow.
On a lighter note, I was watering the tree and garden tonight and everything is flourishing. I want to add more to it so bad....the plants I have ordered cannot get here soon enough!
The tree arrived yesterday, it is so pretty. I was so excited and sad at the same time. We decided on a Double Pink Weeping Cherry (or technical name: Prunus Subhirtella Pendula Plena, if anyone is looking into buying one). It was perfect planting weather too, it seems like Winter went right into Summer. Still have more to do in the garden, but it's really taking shape now, I love it. Here are 2 pics:
On another note, I'm missing my babies alot, and it has been a hard weekend with all of the tributes to our babies coming in. I know I should start thinking of a ceremony for my girls, maybe on Memorial Day? I want to have a celebration of their lives, not a sad service. Maybe if I have a Memorial Day Picnic I can make it a Picnic/Celebration with a balloon release? I like the idea of a balloon release because everyone can be involved (if they want to), and they can write a special note to the girls and attach it to the balloons. I think of more and more things everyday.
This is a butterfly garden ornament I found, the wind makes the wings flutter!
I have a wonderful support network. My husband, my Mom & Dad, my sisters, my brothers, all of my family and dear friends, I don't know what I would do without them. I am a very lucky girl and am thankful everyday that I have them.
I also have internet resources that are very helpful, and some other women I talk to on a forum who have gone through what we have been through. They are always looking for, and suggesting things to do for our babies we have lost, in honor of their memory. I found this site through them, but I like to think it found me.
Please click on the link below to see what a wonderful woman, who lives half way around the world in Australia, has done for us and the girls. She does this out of the kindness of her heart and created the site in honor of the baby boy she lost:
I also met another amazing woman on the forum and she has put our angels names on her site. She has also lost her triplet angels, but has gone on to have a baby girl recently, happy and healthy! Here is the link:
Worked alot in the garden today, hopefully getting a tree tomorrow! The tree will go in the area that looks kinda like the turf is raised - I have to move all of that grass! I planted a climbing rose bush to hopefully start growing over the ugly chain-link fence. Hey, Im not bashing chain-link fences, it keeps my puppy from running and digging in my precious garden! So it serves a good purpose. Just wanted to share the photos. Love, Nan
Last weekend we started the beginning of our babies garden. It felt good to work outside and devote my time to them. We have alot to do including planting a tree (my sister Lynne is getting for us - thanks sister I love you!) and I have ordered flowers and shrubs that attract butterflies and hummingbirds which I hope comes in soon! I want to get a swinging bench and stepping stones to go under the tree as well. So far, we have planted some flowers that we got from family members at Easter, this will be a place where everyone can go and plant something or just reflect. The hyacinth is from my Mom (Grandmom), the Hydrangea is from my Aunt Nancy (Great Aunt Nancy) and the Azalea is from my sis in law Cheri (Aunt Cheri) Here is a pic of the beginning of our garden, I call it Baby Steps, Our Memorial Garden for Shelby, Megan and Lynne.
Other things we are doing besides the garden I will put on another post.
So I was thinking of what I wrote about what happened when we lost the girls. It was ten days after they were born and I wanted to get my thoughts on paper. It has also helped me explain to numerous people without having to talk too much about it, since it upsetted me so. Anyway, since I have been doing alot better than I was then, I thought Id post what I wrote on here, to have it be part of their memorial. This is their site, a tribute to my beautiful girls. It has been almost 7 weeks now and I am starting many projects to honor them, including documenting on this page. Here is the story:
In loving memory of Shelby Lee, Megan Aimee and Lynne Barbara, March 6, 2009, born at 20 weeks, 0 days.
After 3 years of trying to conceive children, IVF finally worked and blessed us with a triplet pregnancy, our first and last pregnancy. Everything was going beautifully, all normal and good ultrasounds, so nothing would have made me think what was about to come. I lost my mucous plug on Monday March 2nd after I sneezed, and my back had been feeling like it was on fire lately. The OB office was closed due to bad weather so I called the next morning and they said “just watch it, and call us if you see any blood. If it makes you feel better, come in, but otherwise we will see you Thursday for your regular appt”. So, with them not too concerned or encouraging, I decided to not go in. I was leaving work on Thursday to go to my level 2 ultrasound and noticed I had some fluid and a very small amount of blood. When I got to the U/S appt, I told the tech I may need to see the MFM due to the plug issue and some fluid I just noticed. My Mom had come with me to this appt since my hubby had to work. The tech checked the babies and all had heartbeats around 138 so I was happy to see that, but she left the room for a minute and brought the MFM in, so then my heart sank. He said he was not going to “sugar-coat” this, but part of baby A’s sac has protruded through my 1-2 cm dilated cervix, and they have to take me to labor and delivery for monitoring and have me transferred to another hospital that can better help me. They then tilted me back as if to try and get the sac to go back up. I didn’t quite understand this and laid there silent, I looked at my Mom and she said she didn’t feel so good and (bless her heart) she fainted. My ride to L&D had not come yet so I was able to stay with her until she woke up. I was so upset, but glad to see her awake, and I am blessed to have my sister who works as a nurse at this same hospital so I knew she would be able to stay with my Mom after we got in touch with her, which did happen. I was not in L&D long and the ambulance transport came and drove me to the other hospital. They took me straight up to L&D triage to be checked out more closely. I am also blessed to have my sister in law who actually works as an OB Nurse, and she had been working that day and came in to see me and explain what was happening. They had to test to see if any of the fluids were membrane or just mucous, and they also brought up an ultrasound machine to show me what had happened and explained it again. I could clearly see that baby A was not through my cervix but that a good portion of the sac was protruding through. My husband had arrived in time to see this. The docs left for a while and then came back to tell us that the fluid is indeed amniotic fluid and that the sac had ruptured. Also, the back pain I had all week was contractions/back labor. I asked if they could fix it and everyone’s face just went blank. The news went to even more devastating and awful after this and I am just heartbroken and destroyed. They explained that they cannot do much at 20 weeks for me since the babies are not considered “viable” until 24 weeks, and that I could possibly have an infection that could eventually turn fatal for me if I did not deliver soon. They would not resuscitate or give me steroid shots to improve their lungs until 24 weeks. I was also told that if I delivered baby A and tried to keep babies B&C that they would only have a 50% chance at survival and a 90% chance of being severely handicapped, plus I still risked the chance of infection at any time especially if I spiked a fever they would also deliver me right away. The infection info was enough to make my husband say that he could not lose me and there will be no babies without me. The only thing to do was wait and try to make the best decision we knew, we pretty much knew what was going to happen inevitably, and the docs kept saying it. By the next morning I had started getting a fever and had been having more contractions so everyone agreed I had to deliver before it was too late. So I had to deliver my girls that day and got to hold them for a short while and then gave them to my husband to be with them until they left the world. They couldn’t even cry. I cannot write more of these delivery details on paper yet, I am so tormented over this whole thing I cannot stop going through 500 emotions a day, but everyone says to write write write. I have so many questions I will never have answers to. Why did this happen? Why didn’t I feel anything coming through? Could I have prevented this by going into the docs office earlier in the week? What is the lesson here and why did God take them away? How can God take 3 children like that? Should I have continued with the risk to myself and refuse delivery? I feel so guilty and angry I do not know what to do. The MFM came in to see me afterwards and said if I decide to try again that they would then give me a cerclage (stitch in the cervix at 12 weeks). Why would I try again with the chance of such an awful outcome and why didn’t they watch me closer I was almost measuring 40 weeks and why didn’t they give me a cerclage in the beginning of this pregnancy? I cannot comprehend and it has only been ten days since the girls were born. I couldn’t even find out they were 3 girls until I delivered, I was supposed to find out in the level 2 ultrasound I had scheduled for that day. I just want to know when I will stop hurting so badly.
Well Ive finally made it to the blogging generation. After the loss of our triplets, it has helped me immensely to write down my thoughts and feelings, so I thought I'd try to do it this way. More to come...
Wife to a wonderful man, Stepmom to a 19 year old boy, Mom to triplet angel girls in Heaven and our earthly rainbow grasshopper arrived safe and sound in our arms on July 8th, 2010. Blogging is one of the things that help me get by everyday, and I hope what I write might help someone else feel not so alone.