Monday, December 31, 2012

Bye 2012

Are you still here? I hope so…

There is nothing like a good old blog post. I have missed blogging since I found FB this year, where I spew off a quick tiny rant to get something quickly off my chest, or post something adorable on Autumn’s milestones. Still, FB can never replace writing your heart out on here. I am going to make an effort to blog more and connect again with old bloggie friends and continue to make new ones in 2013. If you want to connect with me on FB and haven’t yet, please email me at

We haven’t been sleeping. Rather, Autumn isn’t sleeping well which in turn makes us not sleep well. I love to get up and see her but sometimes it does take its toll when it’s all night back and forth and you have to work the next day (not bitching!). Autumn has a 2 & ½ year checkup in January so we will address it with the doctor to see if they have suggestions. Still, I’m forever grateful for being the parent of a rainbow and getting the chance to parent a living child. With that comes some enhanced anxiety that I’ve never experienced before. I’ve always had panic attacks, and depression bouts. Now the panic attacks have upped in intensity with new symptoms of vertigo and numbing arms. Once I was able to recognize it, I was able to address it. In 2013, it looks like I will be working on “me” again, with returning to the psychologist and playing with getting a medication suitable to my needs. ‘All I want’ is to be ever present in the moment and be ok for Autumn and my family. Struggling has always been there since losing the girls, it just gets buried deep down when you are busy, and needs to surface more or I cry more. People think you are ok, but in the background you are planning what you will do for their next birthday in Heaven, etc. (Yes, I am doing that)

I find myself watching a movie with Autumn and crying so hard, half mixed with joy that I am actually watching a movie with her, and the other is that the movie will strike a chord with my loss and the aftermath. I cried watching Tangled…I cried watching Beauty and the Beast…I cried most recently watching Annie, wishing I could reach into that orphanage and adopt a child as easily as Daddy Warbucks could. Avoiding movies isn’t going to happen. I do however, avoid ALL music on the radio unless its kids songs with Autumn in the car.

Some people might think 4 years is a long time and that I should not be where I am mentally. To those people I say unless you have been in my shoes do not judge. There are many highs and many lows which will be forever. Ask the Mom who lost her daughter 30+ years ago if she does not remember or honor her in some way and weep for them. Ask the sister who lost a baby sister if she does not remember the childhood memory of crying at school 60 years ago and the teacher giving her a hard time about it. You just don’t forget. You don’t forget any loss for that matter. I feel NO PEACE with the thought of a child passing or that my children are in Heaven, except with the thought that they might be with loved ones. I was an absolute wreck for days after hearing about the CT school shooting, horrified for those parents and what is to come for them and their families forever and what those children went through. I will not go into more detail about it, but at one point for my own sanity I had to shut it out, turn it all off because I could not handle the sorrow. I am sure I am not alone in that.

In 2013 I will continue to heal, continue to fight, and continue to be here. I’m always here. That’s all we can really do when we are still trying to parent children even though they are in Heaven, and if we are lucky, parent a child on Earth too. The perspective of that thought has never been more eye-opening to me than now. I can’t do enough for ALL of my children.

Much love, and hoping 2013 is a happy or better one for you all.


Tuesday, July 24, 2012

3 years post due date

Tonight, after the house settled (sort of!), I managed to make my way out to the babies' garden, water the plants who are starving for water on these hot humid summer days, and reflect.  From the picture above you can see when it starts getting dark, we have some solar lights wrapped around the tree, 3 butterflies that light up and change colors and also our original turtle that holds a butterfly that lights up from the early days of the garden making began.  There is so much love and significance going on in this little corner of my yard/world, and I am grateful I am able to go out there and think of them, even though it hurts, and it helps, and it makes me miss them more, and it makes me feel their presence. 

I know, regardless of my losing them at 20 weeks, I still stick to the due due of 40 weeks even though a normal triplet pregnancy is not 40 weeks.  Its was still the date I was given at the very beginning and I tie it to them forever.

I had a memory while I was out there tonight.  Do you see the picture on my profile? Well that was taken the very night we did our HCG trigger shot that eventually brought us our baby girls.  We were at a restaurant because it was my Mom's 70th birthday and me and my sister went into the very lovely ladies room (I know, so idyllic!) and she administered my shot exactly at 7:30.  That night was also the night the Phillies won the world series, a present to my Mom no doubt as she is a great fan.  Mike and I had an argument on the way home and I can't even remember why, probably medication and hormones from the cycle.  So many things went on in just a matter of hours that night.  I look at that profile picture and I see a person I don't know alot about anymore.  I look at how young she still looked, and how weathered I look now.  I see a naive person in that picture, who was on her 2nd IVF cycle praying for a BFP, and when I got it, had no idea about babyloss or that babies died. Naive idiot.  A person who kept getting excellent progress reports and couldn't wait to keep growing and growing and wondered how big I would get with 3 babies and a 4'11" body to hold them.  It stings, not as harshly, but it still stings and brings the tears.

No doubt, I am the only one who remembers this date.  Im ok with that, where in years past, I wasn't ok with that because it made me feel as though no one cared about my babies and wanted me to move on.  I think most people know Im not "moving on" by now, and that this is forever.  I am surviving, and I am still standing and persevering.  I do not want to hear I should be happy Autumn is here, as that is a given, and she never "replaced" my triplets, she is her own person and things just do not work that way in this situation.  These beautiful girls are a part of lives forever, my firstborn children...and Autumn will always have 3 big sisters in Heaven.

So many more thoughts in my head, but I must sleep.  I still haven't dreamt about the girls in a positive way yet, I know someday I will, and I hope someday they are in my dreams, but for now they are forever in my heart.

Love, Nan xoxoxo

Shelby, Megan and Lynne,
You were, and still are, more wanted and loved by us so much.  My dreams for you to be here never end, and my arms will always ache for what could have been.  We love you always.

Saturday, June 30, 2012

Yes, it's finally 3333 today

I guess this won't happen again for 33 years...lord knows I'll know it then you baby girls, these were planted with much love:) xoxoxo

Friday, June 22, 2012

More of the same, and then some more...

A couple posts back I mentioned I was watching the “ticker” on the side of my screen, waiting for 3y,3m,3w,3d to show up. Then I realized two Fridays ago it turned 3y,3m,3d since it wasn’t a full week into the month just yet (make sense?). I think that’s probably more the reason I was watching so intently, and didn’t realize it until I saw it! So with that on my mind, I decided to go buy three arborvitae bushes for the babies’ garden that I am hoping to plant soon in a new section. I will share pics when I get it done.  It will be nice when we have more privacy to surround the garden and these bushes will help so I am looking forward to it!
In the meantime, life is still a roller coaster, and you never know what kind of week or day you are going to have. I think about my babies all the time. I think about all of you reading all the time.  My heart gets full and my heart gets heavy reading.  I read stories of others who say its ok to have a bad day, even if you have a rainbow baby, but sometimes guilt creeps in. I also read stories of others who say its ok to have a good day, but again, sometimes the guilt creeps in. The questions “why” and “what if” always come up randomly in my head.  This is just how things are, and its seems like you just move into this constant wave motion of back and forth, atleast for me anyhow. 
I stopped seeing my therapist a few months back to see how I would do on my own and try to use the tools she has given me.  I have been seeing her since 3 weeks after I lost my girls.  After almost 3 years, I had started feeling like I was re-hashing feelings over and over and it was just too much on me and I felt I needed a break.  It felt good to recognize that, and it feels good to know I can always go there again if I need the help or need someone unbiased to talk to.  I figured I would just try to write and keep connecting with others, and it has helped. 
I thank each and every one of you who has read my blog and supports me.  I have learned more in 3 years than I think I have learned my entire life.  I am changed.  I am different.  I am rougher around the edges.  I can say "no".  I have more patience and compassion.  I live for today, as you don't know what will happen tomorrow.  I love more intensely.  Take me or leave me, for all that I am now.
Love, Nan xoxoxo

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Father's Day 2012

Remembering, celebrating, and honoring ALL Fathers this weekend.  And if they are in need of a private place to put out their thoughts and feelings, they can visit our Forum, please share.  Hugs and Love, Nan xoxoxo

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Friday, June 8, 2012

Bargaining with Yourself

I’ve always tried to tell myself, for every one bad blog post, write one good post. Well, I have read back and the bad posts have started to topple over the good, so now it’s time for a more positive post, maybe a few. But this is how grief over losing a child or children ‘seems’ to work. I don’t claim to know the ins and outs of it all, but there is no straight path, no real balance. Sometimes you have to force the balance, you have to force a good day, etc. Today I find myself frustrated, and for not even a real good reason. So I am taking my lunch hour to sort out the thoughts in my head and force a good thought or two out.

I’ve started to recognize when things are coming to a head (about to burst!) and I can sometimes stop it before I completely blow up. Dare I say, even have a little bit of control. In my last post I said I wanted control. In a way I have it, but not in the sense that I was speaking because I wanted control to have my girls on earth. But to recognize your signs of getting too low and needing to come up for air, is really a feat in my world.

I’m also learning a few new ways to bring the girls’ memory more into our daily lives, like singing with Autumn at night and including their names, we also like to say goodnight to the “Sissies in the Sky”. I love playing in the garden with Autumn and seeing how much she loves to pick their flowers and give them to me.

I have lots of pictures of the garden, here is a link if you would like to see them from first blooms to lots of blooms. I will be updating my other blog soon too with pictures of Autumn playing in it, she does love to go over there and I can’t wait to make it bigger!  There will definitely be a new section before the end of the summer, I really need to move some extra mulch we bought!

Praying you all feel a little peace and have a nice weekend. And if I haven’t commented on your blogs for a while, please know I’m not out of your loop, I still read I’m just not always able to comment, especially from my crappy phone!!!

Love always, Nan xoxoxo

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

The "Ticker"

Where I am...3,2,4,2, tick tick tick.  Watching that ticker on the side of my blog waiting for it to turn 3,3,3,3.  Why? Why am I doing that?  If you have lost a child or children, don't ever let anyone tell you you should be over it, or that you should be grateful if you do have any living children.  I'm hearing so many insensitive stories of women who have to hear this and other crappy "phrases" that it makes me sick.  Those people have no clue if they have not been through it themselves, and I have no trouble these days dropping an unsupportive person on the drop of a dime.  If you don't know what to say, there are a ton of online resources on what you can say to a grieving parent, even when they are 3,3,3,3 down the road without their children!  Grief changes daily, its all very hard work that was never hard before, struggles beyond control.  God, I wanted control.  Heck, I want control now.  Wish I could write more...but I hope the point is there. Love, Nan xoxoxo

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Little tugs

Sitting here printing out labels for our tissue box donations and realized that one of my browsers was open to my blog.  Tug.  Small sound coming from my computer from the lowered speakers.  Tug.  My playlist on the very bottom of my blog is playing automatically the long ago created list.  Tug.  It's the song I used to sing to my very big measured triplet belly before I lost my girls, which happens to be our wedding song.  Tug.  Now these other songs are playing and I can't help but shed what I think are very much needed tears.  Tug. Tug. Thinking about my lunch hour walk the other day and seeing those 3 butterflies on the elementary school building windows.  Tug. Tug. Tug. 

I'm realizing that when you have time to stop, slow down and think about things and how your own life has unfolded after a sea of storms, you then realize why you have kept yourself so incessantly busy for days, weeks and months.  But I NEED this.  I need to write.  I need to keep a check on myself, and touching the keyboard keys helps me touch them.  Wearing my memorial jewelry helps me touch them.  Working in my garden helps me touch them.  I need something tangible.  Because I miss them and I want to see those sweet would-be 3 year olds running, playing and spinning in circles around me.  Never doubt, I am so grateful for my hubby and rainbow, but always missing my sweet trio.  Love to the sky and always sweet baby girls...

~I NEED YOU by Leann Rimes~
I don't need a lot of things,
I can get by with nothing
Of all the blessings life can bring,
I've always needed something
But I've got all I want
When it comes to loving you
You're my only reason,
You're my only truth
I need you like water
Like breath, like rain
I need you like mercy
From Heaven's gate
There's a freedom in your arms
That carries me through
I need you
You're the hope that moves me
To courage again
You're the love that rescues me
When the cold winds rage
And it's so amazing
'Cause that's just how you are
And I can't turn back now
'Cause you've brought me too far

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Tuesday Link Up and Donations to Hospitals

Today is Link Up with Tesha’s Blog Tuesdays! Link up and find or support another grieving parent if you can. It helps so much to know we aren’t alone.

About two years ago on my girls first birthday in Heaven, I was fumbling around a lot trying to figure out what I wanted to do. One of the things I came up with (I think by suggestion of another BLM but I cannot remember, sorry, it was fuzzy back then!) was donating K.leenex tissues to the local hospital I delivered the babies at. I remember my Mom bringing me some soft tissues because the hospital boxes (although helpful and purposeful) were scratching my face from all of the tears and would only last about all of five minutes. I had a few BLM’s contact me via email or this blog saying thank you for the tissues, and it made me feel good that I could help another grieving parent in a small/big way by letting them know they aren’t alone. We also donated them last year as well, but this year we were down the shore over a longer period of time and didn’t get around to it. I was recently contacted by the hospital (I always leave my contact info if they want to ask for more donations) asking if I was still doing this, and if so they could really use them. My heart sank and sung at the same time reading that email, as I could tell there must have been a surge in losses, but at the same time to know that the nurses were using all of these resources to get more comfort to grieving parents, was just bittersweet. So, I will be getting another lot of tissues over there shortly. I also asked what else they could use and I will share once I hear back in case anyone is interested. But if you are thinking of doing something in honor of your baby or babies, and know if your local hospital is in need of something to comfort another bereaved parent, think about contacting the nurse manager in labor and delivery and they may be able to point you in the right direction. Some hospitals aren’t well equipped to handle this, but with your help in donations and/or awareness, no matter how big or small, you can make a difference. I always put a label with my blog link and forum link on the boxes as well, just in case they see it and can find a place to start. When I first lost my girls, writing on my blog was so comforting, along with finding forums and the help of a psychologist, and it stills helps to this day, even though I am not online as much as I would like to be. I don’t even know how I found my way to the internet after such a horrific raw time, but I am forever grateful.

May you have a lovely day, full of love and light. Love, Nan xoxoxo

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Tuesday Link-Up & Random Ramblings

First I have to thank sweet Tesha for taking the time to put a whole lotta angel baby names out there for BLM’s she has connected with so far. And to post them all and dedicate them all, just amazing! I cried happy tears seeing my sweet girls names.  Please link up your blog today with Tesha's if you can!

Second, I received a beautiful bracelet from Tina and I just want to thank her for her kindness, it meant a lot to me, its gorgeous and I wear it everyday!! And also, everyone else who sends me cards and notes and messages, thank you, they all mean the world to me!! I really don’t know where I would be without all of you.

Third, some family members “get it”, but it’s very rare anymore to talk out loud about my heavenly babies except to my husband. I almost feel like sometimes people think we are unapproachable or afraid of us! My Mom and my sister have both been through miscarriages, but they don’t think of it the same as I do, that their loss was a child lost too, they think it’s different because I held my babies, but to me, they have every right to grieve as I do, if they want to. It’s been a heavy 3 months. You know that feeling of just a lot of sadness and tiredness. I don’t know what it is, but I hope the feeling passes soon. I know when my mind needs a break from blogging and emailing, etc, and I know with my depression history when it’s time to go on meds. I’m not there yet, but I fear if this doesn’t lift I may have to, which there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, it just makes you feel a little defeated that you can’t snap out of it on your own. Maybe writing this will help me get through it, ya never know!!  I plan on doing more gardening in the babies garden this weekend which might be soothing too!  It's beautiful!

Lastly, this week is National Nurses Week. If you have a nurse or nurses in your life, please be sure to say thank you for all you do, even when it’s not national nurses week, it makes them feel good! My sister and SIL are both nurses and I cannot even imagine doing what they do day in and day out. They were both there to help me deliver my triplets, and I know they were distraught, but they somehow kept strong for me (tears).

Much Love, Nan xoxoxo

Love you baby girls...

Saturday, May 5, 2012

International Bereaved Mother's Day

Thinking of all mommies who have to live on earth while their children play in Heaven, we will reunite one day. This day is for all of us and I will be dedicating my day to my babies, which just happens to fall of the "6th" :)  To read more on this day and how it was created, you can click here.  Much Love, Nan xoxoxo

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Tuesday Link-Up With Tesha

Hi Everyone,

Welcome to those of you linking up with Tesha’s blog or just finding my blog for the first time.

I am Nan, and I lost my triplet daughters a little over 3 years ago. If you read the link “Our Story” on the right side on my blog, you will read a very early account of my feelings in very raw grief. Time has softened those rough edges, but there are days when I still need to cry an ugly cry, or just cry all day in spurts and stay in bed, and miss my babies terribly. I have learned that this is forever, and the road can be hard to navigate, but I know someday I will be with my precious girls again.

It has been very much a roller coaster ride, but through the strength of meeting other Moms who have gone through losing a child or children, I have persevered. I was able to go through one more attempt at IVF and very luckily conceive my rainbow baby Autumn, who is my world. If you want to learn more about Autumn and my struggle to get her here safe, I do have another blog, you can click here to read.

I appreciate the fact that Tesha linked up to Infertility Awareness week as well, as I like to bring awareness that not everyone can get pregnant on their own. To have any kind of treatment is very expensive and is not a guaranteed pregnancy. I wrote about it on my short post yesterday if you want to read it, but I have gone through three IVF attempts, which the 1st one we did not get pregnant, the 2nd one brought us our triplet girls in Heaven, and the 3rd one brought us our earthly baby Autumn. These processes can be so daunting, but also so worth it. I know I could not have gone through our 3rd attempt without the love, support and encouragement of my fellow loss mommies and daddies, and I very much love this community of beautiful men and women.

One more point I wanted to make. I only met Tesha about a week ago, and already I feel an instant connection with her. We met through Kelly’s Korner blog link up, so I firmly believe that these link ups work and bring many of us together to help and support eachother. Please visit Tesha’s site if you have not already done so, and send her love and support. She lost her precious Jonathan just 3 short months ago today. Oddly enough, 3 months after I lost my girls, is when I “met” Kelly from Kelly’s Korner, who kindly helped me promote our Forum for Grieving Dads. This morning, I looked back at my journey at 3 month posts from June 2009 and saw so much of myself in Tesha and where she is now. Everyone’s road is different, but we are all in this together. Tesha, I hope the day is gentle on you and I’m thinking of Jonathan with you today on his 3 month angelversary, big hugs.

May you all have a good day, and feel lifted with support and close to your children in Heaven today and always.

Much love, Nan xoxoxo

Monday, April 23, 2012

Infertility Awareness...

Way too many of us struggle with infertility in this world. I was fortunate in one aspect that I had one of the very few state mandated insurances that cover 4 IVF trials (NJ), which was the only way I was able to conceive my children. I don't like the fact that insurance dictated my ability to try though, and we lost that insurance two years ago, so no more trying for us. But, with awareness and spreading the word, we can try and get all states to mandate fertility coverage through insurance plans...please pass this message along!!!



Tuesday, April 17, 2012


Im still here.  Still.  Things still bother me.  Things still anger me.  Things still bring me to my knees.  Things still overwhelm me.  Things still give me hope.  Things still bring a smile to my face.  Things, they are just things, right?  NO.  Things....they still bother him, they still anger him, they still overwhelm him and bring him to his knees and I wonder if he sees hope and more smiles than frowns.  Grief.  Grief of losing a child(ren) is forever, but we have soft places to fall.  STILL, I'm hoping our forum is a soft place for him to fall.  Please help spread the word for our guys.  Much love, Nan

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Thursday, March 8, 2012

How we remembered our baby girls on their 3rd birthday child mentioned, and in picture link as well....
Here is the link to the pictures we took over the weekend and on their birthday. CLICK HERE if you wish to see.

What was different this year than years prior, is that I was 'fine', until their actual Birthday day came, and I was a crying mess most of the day.  I felt like I was re-living the hours again, and I remember EVERYTHING like it was yesterday, almost minute for minute.  I don't have to write down a thing, not even a minor detail ever seems to fade away.  Years prior, it was all of those days leading up that were hard and then the actual day was peaceful. Complete opposite! This road never seems to take the same path, so I figure I would write it down to remember that when I ask myself 'WTF' next year!  I wonder what Autumn will say when she is old enough to understand that I'm crying, I hope I can keep it together for her and keep making more beautiful peaceful memories each year for her big sisters.  Anyway, just wanted to share.  Thank you for all of your thoughts, prayers, love and support...always, I will always remember how everyone helps lift me up, and I can only hope I do the same for you all.

Love, Nan xxxooo

Monday, February 6, 2012

One Month Til They Turn 3 in Heaven

I see myself sometimes as a broken record, playing the same thoughts over and over again. Here I am again trying to plan a special day for my girls' birthday, and all I can do is hope I've made it as special or better than the year before. But it's hard, it's still so darn hard. I wonder sometimes if a few years down the road will I do less or do more or will I be just as I am today.

The past two years we have found ourselves drawn to the beach, maybe its an attachment to their names in the sand or the waves representing the roller coaster ride it's been since losing them, or just being away in a quiet spot (quite frankly its cold and no one is there, and I like it that way!). Last year we forgot to bring the urn with us and had to come home early, so I will be sure not to forget to do that. Regardless, Mike and I both feel that their birthday is our time to reflect and be by ourselves away from everyone, without any influences or pressure, except now we get to share it with Autumn, which is still so bittersweet. Another thing I am planning is trying to finish their scrapbook that we started on their first birthday. I have to give a huge thank you to Meredith's Mommy, Sarita for sending me a beautiful package which included personalized scrapbook tags that are just perfect and I cannot wait to add them. Thank you Sarita! So now I am just trying to find a few more things to do and will share if I get some new ideas.

I have so many thoughts I want to get out, so many wishes I want to send, so many tears I want to cry, for me, for you, for our babies who are above, for those couples trying to conceive, for those trying to adopt, for those couples expecting again who are on edge, for those who recently lost and have the raw raw pain on the inside just bursting to scream outloud. I wonder how everyone is, if we still share many of the same thoughts. Do you feel like you want to be alone on your babies birthday or do you want to celebrate big and involve everyone and open yourself up for those not=meant=to=be=hurtful=but=are, comments. I can't handle those at all, I snap right up now and speak up, whereas before I would not, but I have to to protect my heart and let people know it still stings sometimes, and that I want to talk about my girls even if I cry.

See? Many thoughts...I could go on, but I must sleep and recharge for the next month to come. Love to all, Nan xxxooo

Sweet dreams my beautiful baby girls in Heaven. I know you are never more than a thought away. We love you so much.