Friday, June 8, 2012

Bargaining with Yourself

I’ve always tried to tell myself, for every one bad blog post, write one good post. Well, I have read back and the bad posts have started to topple over the good, so now it’s time for a more positive post, maybe a few. But this is how grief over losing a child or children ‘seems’ to work. I don’t claim to know the ins and outs of it all, but there is no straight path, no real balance. Sometimes you have to force the balance, you have to force a good day, etc. Today I find myself frustrated, and for not even a real good reason. So I am taking my lunch hour to sort out the thoughts in my head and force a good thought or two out.

I’ve started to recognize when things are coming to a head (about to burst!) and I can sometimes stop it before I completely blow up. Dare I say, even have a little bit of control. In my last post I said I wanted control. In a way I have it, but not in the sense that I was speaking because I wanted control to have my girls on earth. But to recognize your signs of getting too low and needing to come up for air, is really a feat in my world.

I’m also learning a few new ways to bring the girls’ memory more into our daily lives, like singing with Autumn at night and including their names, we also like to say goodnight to the “Sissies in the Sky”. I love playing in the garden with Autumn and seeing how much she loves to pick their flowers and give them to me.

I have lots of pictures of the garden, here is a link if you would like to see them from first blooms to lots of blooms. I will be updating my other blog soon too with pictures of Autumn playing in it, she does love to go over there and I can’t wait to make it bigger!  There will definitely be a new section before the end of the summer, I really need to move some extra mulch we bought!

Praying you all feel a little peace and have a nice weekend. And if I haven’t commented on your blogs for a while, please know I’m not out of your loop, I still read I’m just not always able to comment, especially from my crappy phone!!!

Love always, Nan xoxoxo


  1. I was looking a a post after I read your other blog posting. It is Sweet William and they have some artwork on sale. I apologize if I sent you this before. Anyway I think it's so perfect in everyway and it's on sale!

  2. Sometimes I feel like I am being too negative on my blog so I try to balance it out with positive entries, or more research oriented entries if I just can't think of anything positive to say. :-) When I'm feeling positive and happy, though, I generally don't feel like writing. In those moments, I want to get out and enjoy things. it's when I'm feeling down and upset that I feel like writing the most. So I guess my entries aren't as balanced as they could be. But then I look back over the initial entries that I wrote almost two years ago and realize that I have come a loonnggg way and then wonder if maybe I'm not being too hard on myself now. it's weird to be able to chart your progress through something as visible and linear as a blog.