A couple posts back I mentioned I was watching the “ticker” on the side of my screen, waiting for 3y,3m,3w,3d to show up. Then I realized two Fridays ago it turned 3y,3m,3d since it wasn’t a full week into the month just yet (make sense?). I think that’s probably more the reason I was watching so intently, and didn’t realize it until I saw it! So with that on my mind, I decided to go buy three arborvitae bushes for the babies’ garden that I am hoping to plant soon in a new section. I will share pics when I get it done. It will be nice when we have more privacy to surround the garden and these bushes will help so I am looking forward to it!
In the meantime, life is still a roller coaster, and you never know what kind of week or day you are going to have. I think about my babies all the time. I think about all of you reading all the time. My heart gets full and my heart gets heavy reading. I read stories of others who say its ok to have a bad day, even if you have a rainbow baby, but sometimes guilt creeps in. I also read stories of others who say its ok to have a good day, but again, sometimes the guilt creeps in. The questions “why” and “what if” always come up randomly in my head. This is just how things are, and its seems like you just move into this constant wave motion of back and forth, atleast for me anyhow.
I stopped seeing my therapist a few months back to see how I would do on my own and try to use the tools she has given me. I have been seeing her since 3 weeks after I lost my girls. After almost 3 years, I had started feeling like I was re-hashing feelings over and over and it was just too much on me and I felt I needed a break. It felt good to recognize that, and it feels good to know I can always go there again if I need the help or need someone unbiased to talk to. I figured I would just try to write and keep connecting with others, and it has helped.
I thank each and every one of you who has read my blog and supports me. I have learned more in 3 years than I think I have learned my entire life. I am changed. I am different. I am rougher around the edges. I can say "no". I have more patience and compassion. I live for today, as you don't know what will happen tomorrow. I love more intensely. Take me or leave me, for all that I am now.
Love, Nan xoxoxo