Friday, June 22, 2012

More of the same, and then some more...

A couple posts back I mentioned I was watching the “ticker” on the side of my screen, waiting for 3y,3m,3w,3d to show up. Then I realized two Fridays ago it turned 3y,3m,3d since it wasn’t a full week into the month just yet (make sense?). I think that’s probably more the reason I was watching so intently, and didn’t realize it until I saw it! So with that on my mind, I decided to go buy three arborvitae bushes for the babies’ garden that I am hoping to plant soon in a new section. I will share pics when I get it done.  It will be nice when we have more privacy to surround the garden and these bushes will help so I am looking forward to it!
In the meantime, life is still a roller coaster, and you never know what kind of week or day you are going to have. I think about my babies all the time. I think about all of you reading all the time.  My heart gets full and my heart gets heavy reading.  I read stories of others who say its ok to have a bad day, even if you have a rainbow baby, but sometimes guilt creeps in. I also read stories of others who say its ok to have a good day, but again, sometimes the guilt creeps in. The questions “why” and “what if” always come up randomly in my head.  This is just how things are, and its seems like you just move into this constant wave motion of back and forth, atleast for me anyhow. 
I stopped seeing my therapist a few months back to see how I would do on my own and try to use the tools she has given me.  I have been seeing her since 3 weeks after I lost my girls.  After almost 3 years, I had started feeling like I was re-hashing feelings over and over and it was just too much on me and I felt I needed a break.  It felt good to recognize that, and it feels good to know I can always go there again if I need the help or need someone unbiased to talk to.  I figured I would just try to write and keep connecting with others, and it has helped. 
I thank each and every one of you who has read my blog and supports me.  I have learned more in 3 years than I think I have learned my entire life.  I am changed.  I am different.  I am rougher around the edges.  I can say "no".  I have more patience and compassion.  I live for today, as you don't know what will happen tomorrow.  I love more intensely.  Take me or leave me, for all that I am now.
Love, Nan xoxoxo


  1. (((hugs))) Nan!! I totally understand all you said, especially that last paragraph! <3

    ps. Check out a post on my blog from last week. I'd love to help remember your girls during Noah's birthday celebration if you like. :)

  2. Sometimes, I think about who I was "before" and who I am "after" and I don't even want to go back to being the person I used to be. (Thinking about that, reading your last paragraph.) I don't like how I got here, but there are some changes in myself that I am okay with. It has taken me a year and a half to start loving those changes and being okay with them, but I am trying. I am different. I accept this. My husband accepts this. Thank goodness for him.

    1. Thats a whole other post, huh! 'Do I like myself' ... Sigh .... Hugs hon xoxoxo

  3. Much love and hugs, Nan. Your sweet girls and you are on my heart. It is beautiful to see how they have changed you. <3

  4. You have really grown and that is comforting to hear. It is sad that it has to come through so much pain. You will find as you grow older that the compassionate people you meet are those we have suffered in a way that it changed their lives forever. ((HUGS))

  5. Hi sweetie , where do I begin ?
    I love your post even if its sad too.
    I have known you since summer 2009 !!! Can you believe it ? How time flies .
    I know you were a great person already then but of course I understand what you mean when you say you have changed .
    I have changed too ,for the better ,but I wouldnt have made it without my beautiful " fab five " group and reading blogs .I am forever deeply grateful that I live in times when this opportunity was given to me , otherwise I think I had been deeply depressed .
    I still am sad at times thinking " what if " but I dont loose hope and joy of life comes back to me .
    To have a rainbow baby is magic and that baby teaches you love and patience.I love Simon so much so I could easily give my life for him but yet when you experience the joy of raising a child you cant help thinking " what if " its difficult , maybe impossible to separate those feelings I find .

    I think you are right to take a break from therapy ,you do need a break as it is tireing to be in therapy too as you have to give so much .
    It takes energy to open up too ....
    I could say a lot more here but I am so tired nowadays as Simon still wakes up many times at night ....
    Just want to say that I love you and I am so happy to have met you .
    I wish I could heal your heart and I often think and pray for your little girls , all of them.
    Big hug - Angie

  6. (((hugs)))
    I find it just as good to tell a stranger how I feel then someone I've known for years (((hugs)))

  7. Oh all those threes and your dear, sweet three daughters.

    It's so hard. Not to judge ourselves for having a bad day or a good day. Hating ourselves for feeling sad and ungrateful and fed up. Hating ourselves for feeling happy, as though we might have forgotten our girls. But we don't have to judge. It's ok just to feel as we feel. But easier said than done to achieve acceptance.

    I've changed too. It's been nearly four years for me. I'm better and I'm worse. But I agree, like you, I love more intensely. I love them, all my children, with a depth that I don't think I was capable of feeling before.

    Remembering your triplets, Shelby, Megan and Lynne.

  8. Nan, I despise when people throw the expression "no great loss without some small gain," around, at least when it comes from people who have no idea what they're talking about. I hope I can use it here without being misunderstood. We are forever changed by what we've been through and, some of those changes are for the better. It's inevitable. For only when we have experience temendous loss can we appreciate the true beauty in the moments, even though it takes a bit of time to get there. Like you, I have also learned to say "no," and I have, for the most part, learned not to take part in relationships that refuse to grow, or waste my time on people who think they can abuse others as they see fit. I can also honestly say that I'm a better mom because of Andreas. I would of course have loved my children to the stars no matter what, but I treasure every second with them in a way that I wouldn't have had I not known the feeling of empty arms, forever longing to hold my little one. I wish these changes had come about in a different way and for a different reason, and they might have, but it is what it is. I think I would have done a good job as a parent anyway. I'm sure we all would, but I feel like recognizing the changes for the better, and allowing my love for Andreas to bring beauty into our lives, brings him closer to me in some way.

    I think it's a great thing that you're able to do it on your own. Whether that is temporary or not doesn't matter. The important thing is that you are moving forward in your own pace, and in your own way. Just try not to be too hard on yourself if you feel the need to go back later on. Grief is a difficult companion. Hugs to you

  9. I agree with you Nan. I could not imaginge where I would be in my grief without all of the women who have held me on my deepest darkest days. I feel so blessed.

    Thank you for all of the support in these last few weeks. You will never know what that meant to me.

    Lots of love to you....