Monday, December 31, 2012

Bye 2012

Are you still here? I hope so…

There is nothing like a good old blog post. I have missed blogging since I found FB this year, where I spew off a quick tiny rant to get something quickly off my chest, or post something adorable on Autumn’s milestones. Still, FB can never replace writing your heart out on here. I am going to make an effort to blog more and connect again with old bloggie friends and continue to make new ones in 2013. If you want to connect with me on FB and haven’t yet, please email me at

We haven’t been sleeping. Rather, Autumn isn’t sleeping well which in turn makes us not sleep well. I love to get up and see her but sometimes it does take its toll when it’s all night back and forth and you have to work the next day (not bitching!). Autumn has a 2 & ½ year checkup in January so we will address it with the doctor to see if they have suggestions. Still, I’m forever grateful for being the parent of a rainbow and getting the chance to parent a living child. With that comes some enhanced anxiety that I’ve never experienced before. I’ve always had panic attacks, and depression bouts. Now the panic attacks have upped in intensity with new symptoms of vertigo and numbing arms. Once I was able to recognize it, I was able to address it. In 2013, it looks like I will be working on “me” again, with returning to the psychologist and playing with getting a medication suitable to my needs. ‘All I want’ is to be ever present in the moment and be ok for Autumn and my family. Struggling has always been there since losing the girls, it just gets buried deep down when you are busy, and needs to surface more or I cry more. People think you are ok, but in the background you are planning what you will do for their next birthday in Heaven, etc. (Yes, I am doing that)

I find myself watching a movie with Autumn and crying so hard, half mixed with joy that I am actually watching a movie with her, and the other is that the movie will strike a chord with my loss and the aftermath. I cried watching Tangled…I cried watching Beauty and the Beast…I cried most recently watching Annie, wishing I could reach into that orphanage and adopt a child as easily as Daddy Warbucks could. Avoiding movies isn’t going to happen. I do however, avoid ALL music on the radio unless its kids songs with Autumn in the car.

Some people might think 4 years is a long time and that I should not be where I am mentally. To those people I say unless you have been in my shoes do not judge. There are many highs and many lows which will be forever. Ask the Mom who lost her daughter 30+ years ago if she does not remember or honor her in some way and weep for them. Ask the sister who lost a baby sister if she does not remember the childhood memory of crying at school 60 years ago and the teacher giving her a hard time about it. You just don’t forget. You don’t forget any loss for that matter. I feel NO PEACE with the thought of a child passing or that my children are in Heaven, except with the thought that they might be with loved ones. I was an absolute wreck for days after hearing about the CT school shooting, horrified for those parents and what is to come for them and their families forever and what those children went through. I will not go into more detail about it, but at one point for my own sanity I had to shut it out, turn it all off because I could not handle the sorrow. I am sure I am not alone in that.

In 2013 I will continue to heal, continue to fight, and continue to be here. I’m always here. That’s all we can really do when we are still trying to parent children even though they are in Heaven, and if we are lucky, parent a child on Earth too. The perspective of that thought has never been more eye-opening to me than now. I can’t do enough for ALL of my children.

Much love, and hoping 2013 is a happy or better one for you all.



  1. I didn't realize that you struggle so badly with anxiety, etc. When reading this post, I can relate to every word. I hide it when in public, and cannot wait to get home. I got this way after Caleb's brain tumor, and absolutely terrible after Isaiah. It's a problem, and I'm working on getting better..... It's a very long process! On a side note: I did notice that caffeine makes my anxiety 10x worse.

    Loving Facebook too! It's been nice writing quickly, and continuing on with my day. :D

    Lots of love..... Happy 2013 to you Nan!

  2. ((hugs)) Nan. 4 years is barely a drop in the bucket as we'll be feeling this way for a lifetime. One day at a time friend! <3

  3. Still here my freind! I can't imagine I will ever not hurt over Jonathan. We mommies that have walked this path know how you feel...I find such comfort in that. Saying a prayer that this is a beautiful year full of joy for you sweet lady!

  4. Just wanted to say I totally get where you are, and I related to many things you wrote here. Wishes for a beautiful new year for you too!

  5. I am so sorry. ((HUGS)) Praying that 2013 will be a better year and that you have excellent results in therapy. I agree that no one should ever judge you when they haven't walked in your shoes. Grief doesn't go away. I pray that Autumn starts sleeping better soon. xoxo

  6. Hi Nan,

    Just want to give you a hug,
    I am proud of your fighting spirit and your decision to focus on YOU , I know it might sound egoistic but the truth is that if YOU are happy then everybody around you will be happy too : ) and you will have the energy to be the best parent you can be too.

    Sorry Autumn is having a restless phase, do you think she has nightmares ?
    I hope she will move on to a more calm phase soon : )
    When I read how you struggle with the grief it brings tears to my eyes I wish I could say something magic to make it better but I guess it will always be there I just hope it wasnt that hard on you as it is right now , I hope you will feel better after therapy , I admire you for going there and trying to do something about it .
    I feel the grief and sadness often too it can come in a unexpected moment , when watching a film , watching other children ( children with siblings) and so on , it makes me sad an makes my eyes tear but then I can close it out somehow but everybody is different and you have nothing to apologize for , you feel the way you fell and thats ok !

    Wishing you and your family a better 2012