Monday, February 6, 2012

One Month Til They Turn 3 in Heaven

I see myself sometimes as a broken record, playing the same thoughts over and over again. Here I am again trying to plan a special day for my girls' birthday, and all I can do is hope I've made it as special or better than the year before. But it's hard, it's still so darn hard. I wonder sometimes if a few years down the road will I do less or do more or will I be just as I am today.

The past two years we have found ourselves drawn to the beach, maybe its an attachment to their names in the sand or the waves representing the roller coaster ride it's been since losing them, or just being away in a quiet spot (quite frankly its cold and no one is there, and I like it that way!). Last year we forgot to bring the urn with us and had to come home early, so I will be sure not to forget to do that. Regardless, Mike and I both feel that their birthday is our time to reflect and be by ourselves away from everyone, without any influences or pressure, except now we get to share it with Autumn, which is still so bittersweet. Another thing I am planning is trying to finish their scrapbook that we started on their first birthday. I have to give a huge thank you to Meredith's Mommy, Sarita for sending me a beautiful package which included personalized scrapbook tags that are just perfect and I cannot wait to add them. Thank you Sarita! So now I am just trying to find a few more things to do and will share if I get some new ideas.

I have so many thoughts I want to get out, so many wishes I want to send, so many tears I want to cry, for me, for you, for our babies who are above, for those couples trying to conceive, for those trying to adopt, for those couples expecting again who are on edge, for those who recently lost and have the raw raw pain on the inside just bursting to scream outloud. I wonder how everyone is, if we still share many of the same thoughts. Do you feel like you want to be alone on your babies birthday or do you want to celebrate big and involve everyone and open yourself up for those not=meant=to=be=hurtful=but=are, comments. I can't handle those at all, I snap right up now and speak up, whereas before I would not, but I have to to protect my heart and let people know it still stings sometimes, and that I want to talk about my girls even if I cry.

See? Many thoughts...I could go on, but I must sleep and recharge for the next month to come. Love to all, Nan xxxooo

Sweet dreams my beautiful baby girls in Heaven. I know you are never more than a thought away. We love you so much.


  1. I think that I'd *want* the world do do something big in remembering...but really, I'd prefer to just keep him all to myself on his birthday. Just to me, John and Luke. Our Matthew. Because I feel like we are the only ones who love or ever will love and miss him like we do. It's very conflicting, isn't it?

    Hard to believe...3 years. How do we breathe moment to moment sometimes? Lots of love to you, sweet friend. Lots of love. xoxo

  2. Hugs, Big Hugs. I tend to like to spend that time by myself. For me I don't feel like hearing the "helpful" comments of others so for the most part it has been a solo thing except last year for Camron my sister was with me and a sweet friend lit a candle at her home for him as well. I think no matter how big or small a gathering what matters is being surrounded by those who truly care and though they can't walk in our shoes they try their best to understand. Sending you lots of Love and wishing you a peaceful sleep. ((HUGS))

  3. I think I would like to be alone too. It gives you a chance to reflect on your love for them without anyone interrupting or messing that up for you. I love that you go to the beach. That is an awesome way to honor them. It is an amazing tradition that is dedicated to their lives. Sending hugs sweet friend!

  4. About a month and a half b/f it's 3 yrs for us. I'm not sure what we'll do this year. I think something more private but leave it open if anyone does want to join us. I know I'll get a small cake. Going to the beach would be amazing.

  5. Sending hugs your way. My husband and I just celebrated our triplets' first birthday in heaven last month. It was a tough anniversary and we spent most of the day alone together and out at the cemetery. For us, it seemed to work out better than trying to do anything big with a bunch of our family/friends.

  6. I think I prefer the smaller groups of those who really understand. Year before last, we had a party & invited my niece & family & my son & family, as well as our twins & granddaughter, as these people all live here close to us. Our other family is 100 miles away. Our son & wife didn't like it at all, so this year, our girls took us to the college town where we met, for M's birthday. They understand perfectly, as does our 11 year old granddaughter, and we had a great time. Hope you do something to bring some peace, dear. xoxo

  7. Can you believe it has already been almost 3 years? It has been hard to see the years go by and the distance since the last time we held Hadley grown further. I hope the days pass as easily as they can Nan. Thinking of you always.

  8. Hi Sweetie !

    Its so hard to believe its soon 3 years .
    I love the plan to go to the beach - I like the ocean and the beach so much , it brings you peace somehow and is a great place to celebrate your girls .
    I can totally recognize in myself your description of all the feelings : sadness for loosing your girls , sadness for others that struggle with IF or loss.
    Joy because of our own and other rainbow babies .I feel all those emotions often , its just a big mix and owerwhelming sometimes .
    Is seems to be a part of my life now and I try to embrace it and go with the flow of it , not fight it , its part of what I am today .
    I personally prefer to celebrate the memory of our angels together with my husband only as we understand what it means and other people dont nececarilly do .
    With time Simon will be involved but he is too little yet .
    Thinking about you and sending you big hugs !

  9. I have been thinking of you and the girls so much. Can't believe it's that time of year again. xo Hugs

  10. 3 years ug. It will be 4 in Nov...I do a fundraiser and I feel the same way. I have to do it, and it has to be be bigger than last year etc. Its so hard, people don't care and forget.
    I will never forget your sweet babies <3 Sending you lots of love.