Thursday, May 24, 2012

Little tugs

Sitting here printing out labels for our tissue box donations and realized that one of my browsers was open to my blog.  Tug.  Small sound coming from my computer from the lowered speakers.  Tug.  My playlist on the very bottom of my blog is playing automatically the long ago created list.  Tug.  It's the song I used to sing to my very big measured triplet belly before I lost my girls, which happens to be our wedding song.  Tug.  Now these other songs are playing and I can't help but shed what I think are very much needed tears.  Tug. Tug. Thinking about my lunch hour walk the other day and seeing those 3 butterflies on the elementary school building windows.  Tug. Tug. Tug. 

I'm realizing that when you have time to stop, slow down and think about things and how your own life has unfolded after a sea of storms, you then realize why you have kept yourself so incessantly busy for days, weeks and months.  But I NEED this.  I need to write.  I need to keep a check on myself, and touching the keyboard keys helps me touch them.  Wearing my memorial jewelry helps me touch them.  Working in my garden helps me touch them.  I need something tangible.  Because I miss them and I want to see those sweet would-be 3 year olds running, playing and spinning in circles around me.  Never doubt, I am so grateful for my hubby and rainbow, but always missing my sweet trio.  Love to the sky and always sweet baby girls...

~I NEED YOU by Leann Rimes~
I don't need a lot of things,
I can get by with nothing
Of all the blessings life can bring,
I've always needed something
But I've got all I want
When it comes to loving you
You're my only reason,
You're my only truth
I need you like water
Like breath, like rain
I need you like mercy
From Heaven's gate
There's a freedom in your arms
That carries me through
I need you
You're the hope that moves me
To courage again
You're the love that rescues me
When the cold winds rage
And it's so amazing
'Cause that's just how you are
And I can't turn back now
'Cause you've brought me too far


  1. I know, MIL told me the other day, "Geesh, Lori, don't you think you spread yourself a bit thin????"

    Ummmm...yes, maybe I do...because if I didn't, I might literally die of the heartbreak if I had three seconds to think about it.

    Sending you love, sweet friend. I always hear that the 3s are so much worse than the terrible 2s. What we wouldn't give to know that first hand....

  2. I am glad you had a good cry sometimes it is needed. I have an urn necklace with some of Jonathan Ashes it help me to be able to touch it and think of him. I love that song, music is very healing! Saying a prayer for you my friend!

  3. I'm sitting here in tears.... with you.... it can be so hard sometimes, just "tugs" at every piece of your soul.

    Love to you.....

  4. Oh Nan. Sometimes when you allow yourself to stop is when the tears start. I'm so sorry that your three sweet girls are not running and playing around you, your three little three year olds.

  5. I agree about needing something tangible, and about those times of stillness--times when I'm able to hear more clearly what's in my heart. Missing, loving.

    Thinking of you and your baby girls and sending love. xo

  6. Don't we wish they were all here? Staying busy can be helpful, but sometimes you just need to cry. And that is completely ok!!! Sending you love sweet friend! Love you so very much!

  7. Hi sweetie !

    I am catching up on my favourite people .
    Was busy as Simon had a cold and slept very bad .MIL was visiting when hubby went off for a course .
    I admire you for bringing the gifts to the hospital, its amazing what you do , to be able to reach out to others in grief when your own heart is still hurting is a big thing .
    You are doing something beautiful.
    Our love for our rainbow babies is enormous but this love reminds us about what could have been too ,its bittersweet.
    Simon is the best " thing " i ever did but when I have time to think I wonder how his two little siblings would have been now ,and I get to love the lost babies more because through Simon I can imagine better what they could have been .
    I like that you let yourself feel all feelings ,its said to be healing ,so you are ok when you remember , think and cry , its just a part of the old grieving proces that we know well now ....
    Sending you hugs and love always - Angie

    ps today I brought Simon to a photographer for his babyphotographs ,he is already 6 months and the babyblue outfit you got him that seemed huge when he was newborn fits him perfectly now ... ..he grows so fast ....

  8. (((hugs))) beautiful song.I am sorry you are feeling sad.My prayers go out to you as well as my love.