Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Bottled Up

We are rounding the corner to our triplet's 2nd Birthday/Angelversary. I am taking the time to write this post no matter how it comes out or sounds, because I just HAVE TO.

I don't know exactly if I can pinpoint that anticipating another 'date" is making me crazy this past month or two. Or could it be that my outlet of blogging and getting my thoughts out in writing has been lacking for 4 months now. Either way, I can honestly say that no matter what has happened since we lost the girls, I still go through all of the typical phases of grief. For me, sometimes I find myself thinking that "you should be better by now, or should not be going through grief phases, especially with the positive things that have happened to you since then". What I do know and what I have learned, is that this is forever. I can't believe how many people feed me the line "you should be happy now" crap, there is no need to tell me that. Do you want to know how many times I got asked why I have 7 stockings hanging up for Xmas? Duh!

I have alot of things that have been bothering me for a while now, and keeping it bottled up. Not a good thing to do, now I know.

Now that I can recognize what I'm going through, I want to TALK about it, I want to TALK about my girls and celebrate their brief beatiful lives and what they have taught me. But I find that many people IRL (not all, but alot) shy away from me when I want to talk about it, they change the subject or walk away. Really? Seriously, do they even know what I've really been through in the last 6 years alone (yes, they do)? Enough for two lifetimes or more. I left my psychologist appointment last Monday in sobbing tears, the flood gates opened as I realized I really haven't been facing or embracing my thoughts or feelings. I drove to my Moms who thankfully lives 5 minutes away from there and just fell apart on the floor, literally. Then the next day I got super angry, and was angry for about a week which actually affected my work and someone thought I threw them under the proverbial bus. Which, by the way is something I would never ever do. Now I'm in a lull, which is what I think is depression...and I'm on medication now for depression, so what the heck? Phases, ugh.

Grief seems to always win until you recognize the phase you are in. If you cannot outlet your grief somehow, well, atleast for me, I know it will come out in some other way. When I wasn't facing it, I started dreaming and having nightmares...dreaming horrible horrible dreams, and I am still having a few, but they are not as bad. I dream of people being possessed by demons and I have to shake the crap out of them to snap out of it...can you guess what that one means? Yep, I'm asking people to wake the frig up and just listen! You don't have to reply, just listen!!!!!!!!!!!!! There were many other horrible dreams, but most I'd rather keep to myself.

I've been away from blogging for so long now. Partially because I start to write and have to erase it all because my thoughts overwhelm me, and I worry about what others think too much. I know this place is my story to write and etc etc, but I also worry about offending others who read here. I always want to be sensitive to readers who have been through loss, so I try not to bring up Autumn, but she comes up in everything I do. She is forever a little sister on earth to my triplets in Heaven, so how could I leave her out? So if I mention her, please know my intent is not to upset anyone. I will always try to just mention her on our other blog. Sometimes I feel guilty having any of these thoughts in my head when I have Autumn and feel I should just shut up. It's all very conflicting.

I read everyone's blogs every week or so as to keep up, so please know even though I don't comment, I am still thinking of you, wondering, praying, hoping all is as well as it can be.
A good friend texted me and said it best how I've been feeling lately: "It seems like no matter how good you are, it's never great because they aren't here".

I hope I'm off my soapbox for now, I just really needed to vent. Maybe someone out there is feeling the same way I am and if so I hope this brought some comfort to you to know you aren't alone.

We are planning a trip to the beach over the triplets' birthday, and even though it will be cold there, I just felt like we needed some "us" time, to just "be". I think we might light some fireworks and if the weather cooperates we might take lots of beach walks and sit on the jettys. Keeping it simple this year but I know I need to be away from here.

Think Spring.

Much love xxxooo


  1. I'm so sorry Nannie! I know it's terrible that people minimize and just expect you to move on when you are pregnant or have a new baby. I'll scream it for you THIS BABY DOES NOT REPLACE MY LOST BABIES!!!!!!!!

    I love you and have an open ear any time you need it, seriously, you have my number!! :)

  2. I know the stockings... We have 7 too... Actually 14, because we have 7 my grandma made and 7 my MIL made. Explaining it to new people... Always interesting and heartbreaking.

    Sending much love and many warm thoughts...

  3. oh Nan !

    Your post gives me tears im my eyes .
    Tonight Im having a glass of white whine to " drown " my anger and sadness over another BFN.
    I have been doing " ramadan" ; ) = no drinks at all for ages now as I want to be in top form for future conception but tonight I dont care and let myself indulge in that glass of wine and feeling sorry for myself....
    I love your post and it opens my eyes to the fact what loss does to you and that you dont get over it no matter what but learn to live with it .
    I dont think you need to apologize for talking about Autumn : She is a part of your life ! And you are a human being coping with life after loss and now you live your life as it is after loss BUT after having a phresious sibling to your angels .
    This is your life and reality and you dont need to add feelings of guilt to the equation .
    I love your idea of going to the ocean to make your special date beautiful.
    I love the ocean always , and walks along the seaside are always magic and relaxing even if you must have much more clothes on than bikini and flip-flops ; )
    My heart is breaking for your pain and mixed feelings .
    I imagine that its hard to stop thinking about what should have been ....
    You are so strong and such a beautiful person and I now you will make this .
    I know you can be both week and strong and I agree its not good to bottle things up but I know to from my own experience that sometimes it just happens because you are too busy to take care of yourself and you feel guilty for focusing on yourself .
    But this is a journey and we LEARN how to cope step by step .
    Sending you much love and BIG ,BIG HUG !


  4. I know.. I just know... :( Hugs and have been thinking of you and the girls' birthday a ton. xo

  5. Sweetest Friend,

    Just keep letting it all out...and you can mention Autumn here, as this is a "family" space where you can be open and honest. Never feel guilty for that.

    I'm looking forward to your time at the beach. Do light those fireworks and meditate and do whatever is healing in the moment.

    No one can tell you how to proceed. But, do know that we all love you very much and we are here for you always. I remain grateful to have you as part of my life.


  6. Nan, I'm sorry that you have been hurting but i am glad you were finally able to get it out. It certainly sucks that people seem to think just because you have a baby in your arms that your babies in heaven are suddenly supposed to be forgotten. But it's so not true. You still love them you still miss them and you will never forget them. So feel what you need and say what you need and whoever doesn't undertand then that's on them to work out. We know your intentions are not to hurt or offend anyone. And of course know that i am here with an open ear and shoulder. I know that i may seem a little fragile myself at times but please believe me i won't break and i am here for you anyway i can be. Hugs to you and lots and lots of love. ;O)

  7. Sweet Nan,
    So sad to hear that you are sad:( I know you miss your triplets very much and no matter what, that will NEVER just go away. Please mention Autumn as much as you'd like. She is a huge part of your life. I pray that the days at the beach are comforting and peaceful. I am sending you lots of love and prayers. Take care sweet friend and know that I am a call, text, or e-mail away!

  8. Nan, I am so glad that you shared your heart with us. There are so many people searching blogs just to find confirmation for their grief. Each piece of the paths we take are so different, but so much the same. I hope that you have a beautiful time at the beach remembering your precious daughters. ((hugs))


  9. Nan, I'm so sorry I haven't visited your blog in a while. This post resonated with me so much, and I wanted to send you some virtual hugs and let you know that your family is in my thoughts. Much love to your and yours~

  10. I know I'm late, but I am just now catching up...I love you. I'm sorry. I've been thinking of you as always.