Monday, November 14, 2011

Thanks for the lift…

Thanks for your comments on my last post sweet friends. It helped to know I wasn’t alone, although I always wish no one else felt like me. But seriously, reaching out just made me feel better, even if it’s a little bit.

Sometimes you have to go fishing, (no not in the great outdoors!) fishing for answers. My last post was to say to my friends in blogosphere that “Hey, I’m struggling, are you struggling too? What do you do to get through it even this far down the road, or are you flopping and flailing like a fish out of water like me too?”

When I talk about my psychologist and what she helps me to see and realize, I want to share it to see if it will help you too. I realize this may not be for everyone, but for myself, there have been a couple of real eye opening sessions. I’ve been battling depression since I was about 21 or so, I am now 36, and didn’t start seeing a psychologist until one month after I lost my baby girls. I have been on and off medications to help, and they usually get me through. I usually know when I am starting another round of depression requiring meds. For instance, lately all it takes is a little trigger and I can drop to my knees and sob, or tears to start streaming with a mere thought of the words “depression” “pressure” or “bitterness”, especially when they are brought up in the psychologists office, and sometimes sitting at my desk at work. Thankfully there is no shortage of tissues at either place, and I don’t care what other people think when it happens. But my point is, when you think you may need help or aren’t sure if you need help, chances are you may. That is not to say you have to go on medication right this instant, but it’s important to talk to a doctor you trust, even if it’s your PCP.

I gotta tell ya, I’m terrified of taking Autumn to the doctors when she is sick, I get panic attacks and super nervous, want to throw up, the whole nine. But it’s a fear of me setting things up to fail as I said in my last post, thinking the doctor will say “She has to go to the hospital for further tests” and then the fear that she will get wheeled away or something, and then the roller coaster starts. But nothing happens; she is completely fine and just needs an antibiotic for an ear infection or just to be watched for a common cold, etc, and we go home thankfully. Those awful thoughts get in my head and I can’t stop it some days. So when I say my brain needs to be re-trained, I think you may understand why now. I apply that train of thought to many things, not just Autumn’s doctor visit. Not good.

Also, if you have other difficult things going on in your life, it just contributes to the grief and depression of losing your child and/or children. I guess I will just bare my soul even more, but what has been the topper for me lately is the realization of not trying to have biological children anymore, it’s over, and I’m slowly accepting it. I just really wanted to try to have an earthly sibling for Autumn to play with so she could grow up like we did, is that selfish? I think not. Mike and I just have every odd against us at this point and I don’t even think I could mentally or physically wrap my head around another IVF cycle (let alone afford it) which isn’t a guaranteed baby anyhow, or even go through a pregnancy full of surgeries and trauma or possible loss. None of our IVF embies ever froze, so there is no chance of a future FET. I am now on BC pills for endometriosis which they aren’t sure how invasive it is, but who knows with all of the things my body has been through, but it’s been painful so I assume the worst (like always). My hubby has had two work accidents in the past 6 years (one near fatal) which thankfully he is ok but he has been out of work for quite some time (not by his choice). The one good thing I find out of that is that he is home with Autumn. Who knows, maybe if we can get our personal life together again we could even talk about adoption, it’s not out of the picture, but we are nowhere near stable enough at this point. There is much more, but I digress. I love having my rainbow most of all and am forever grateful for her making it to be with us on earth. I guess I’m just looking for some hope, some positivity in my negative mind, trying to swim to the surface before I feel like I’m drowning again. I know someday my attitude could affect Autumn and I have to keep trying to fix myself for her most of all.

So how do you will yourself forward when you are stuck in a rut? Blog, reach out to one of us, see a doc, get meds, go fishing, do whatever you have to do I suppose to keep moving forward. I feel better when I blog, time doesn’t allow much of it, but I’m trying. Tell me what you do to feel better…I love to hear suggestions.

Thinking of you all, sending much love back to you for your support and unconditional love xxxooo Nan


  1. so many battles that we face, Nan... my heart goes out to you... I just came off of an extremely difficult time. Moody, depressed, anxious.... the weeks leading up to Nicholas' Angel Day are the worst. The memories are all too invasive. Having said that, I was so relieved to have a positive focus for his day... that helps me a lot... to know that Nicholas' legacy will live on and reach out to others who are traveling a similar path. Our other children and our rainbow give me the hope and strength to march on (even when I feel flooded with grief)... and then I get the 'visits' from ladybugs. We had one in our family room for the entire week last week... it was like he was just hanging out for a few days to let us know that everything is okay.... weirdest and most wonderful experience.

    So much love and strength to you.. I think of all of your girls so often.


  2. Thank you for sharing you deepest feelings. My prayers and throughts are with you. ((HUGS))

  3. On Nan I'm so sorry! (((hugs)) to you. THank you for sharing and I am glad you are talking to someone. Why does life have to be so shitty sometimes? I pray that you will be blessed with more rainbows.

  4. I don't have any helpful words about how to get out of a rut. I try to stay busy, but my brain seems to overpower me anyway. Just know that I am thinking of you and sending love your way.

  5. Moms worry and moms who have lost their children worry more. I do it myself. My mind will think of worst case scenario and then I hope and pray that doesn't happen.

    When I'm in a rut I think of things that are good and make me happy. Blogging or journaling is def a good outlet to get all the thoughts out. Being with my children always makes me happy. Their laughter and smiles are contagious.

  6. Oh friend...I never seem to have any time to catch up, but I had to let you know that in reading this post, I could SO relate to SO much! It's after midnight, and I'm not thinking straight, but wanted you to know you are not alone. To get out of the rut? I go visit my blog friends! (Yes, it's a rut for me right now too...although I think a lot of it is missing Matthew right now)...I'm so glad I did because I MISS you! I'm glad I read this so I could let you know how brave it is of you to share and how grateful I am to know you and can send you some empathy vibes back! Love, love and love!