This was the year I was finally going to do it. Walk for the brief lives of my babies and countless others out there. I don’t know why, but something prompted me to do it. So I signed up 6 months in advance, prepped myself on what I would be in for, and plastered it on FB.
Unfortunately, I found out that pushing myself made me much more vulnerable again, making wounds on my soul again. I started feeling pressure, and putting expectations on things that I had no business counting on. I realized that Mike and I would mostly be alone, walking alone wishing we had more people surrounding us and present in our real life. But that is not the case, and it’s not fair for me to expect it.
I cancelled it, thankfully way in advance and received a very nice response from the MOD people telling me I wasn’t alone.
Point here is, don’t rush in grief, don’t push on grief. Even almost 5 years down this road, I have to remind myself of this. I can build myself up, but the fall is hard. The highs are high, and the lows are still ever so low. Don’t rush the grief, it’s going to be waiting for you no matter what.
I am in awe of those mommas and dads that are able to get out there and do this and many other things. I have thought of SO MUCH to do, but I just can’t do it. Maybe someday. Someday. And for now, I'm ok wih that.