Tuesday Link-Up With Tesha

Hi Everyone,

Welcome to those of you linking up with Tesha’s blog or just finding my blog for the first time.

I am Nan, and I lost my triplet daughters a little over 3 years ago. If you read the link “Our Story” on the right side on my blog, you will read a very early account of my feelings in very raw grief. Time has softened those rough edges, but there are days when I still need to cry an ugly cry, or just cry all day in spurts and stay in bed, and miss my babies terribly. I have learned that this is forever, and the road can be hard to navigate, but I know someday I will be with my precious girls again.

It has been very much a roller coaster ride, but through the strength of meeting other Moms who have gone through losing a child or children, I have persevered. I was able to go through one more attempt at IVF and very luckily conceive my rainbow baby Autumn, who is my world. If you want to learn more about Autumn and my struggle to get her here safe, I do have another blog, you can click here to read.

I appreciate the fact that Tesha linked up to Infertility Awareness week as well, as I like to bring awareness that not everyone can get pregnant on their own. To have any kind of treatment is very expensive and is not a guaranteed pregnancy. I wrote about it on my short post yesterday if you want to read it, but I have gone through three IVF attempts, which the 1st one we did not get pregnant, the 2nd one brought us our triplet girls in Heaven, and the 3rd one brought us our earthly baby Autumn. These processes can be so daunting, but also so worth it. I know I could not have gone through our 3rd attempt without the love, support and encouragement of my fellow loss mommies and daddies, and I very much love this community of beautiful men and women.

One more point I wanted to make. I only met Tesha about a week ago, and already I feel an instant connection with her. We met through Kelly’s Korner blog link up, so I firmly believe that these link ups work and bring many of us together to help and support eachother. Please visit Tesha’s site if you have not already done so, and send her love and support. She lost her precious Jonathan just 3 short months ago today. Oddly enough, 3 months after I lost my girls, is when I “met” Kelly from Kelly’s Korner, who kindly helped me promote our Forum for Grieving Dads. This morning, I looked back at my journey at 3 month posts from June 2009 and saw so much of myself in Tesha and where she is now. Everyone’s road is different, but we are all in this together. Tesha, I hope the day is gentle on you and I’m thinking of Jonathan with you today on his 3 month angelversary, big hugs.

May you all have a good day, and feel lifted with support and close to your children in Heaven today and always.

Much love, Nan xoxoxo

Infertility Awareness...

Way too many of us struggle with infertility in this world. I was fortunate in one aspect that I had one of the very few state mandated insurances that cover 4 IVF trials (NJ), which was the only way I was able to conceive my children. I don't like the fact that insurance dictated my ability to try though, and we lost that insurance two years ago, so no more trying for us. But, with awareness and spreading the word, we can try and get all states to mandate fertility coverage through insurance plans...please pass this message along!!!

LINK

xoxoxo

Still...

Im still here.  Still.  Things still bother me.  Things still anger me.  Things still bring me to my knees.  Things still overwhelm me.  Things still give me hope.  Things still bring a smile to my face.  Things, they are just things, right?  NO.  Things....they still bother him, they still anger him, they still overwhelm him and bring him to his knees and I wonder if he sees hope and more smiles than frowns.  Grief.  Grief of losing a child(ren) is forever, but we have soft places to fall.  STILL, I'm hoping our forum is a soft place for him to fall.  Please help spread the word for our guys.  Much love, Nan







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How we remembered our baby girls on their 3rd birthday

Warning...living child mentioned, and in picture link as well....
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Here is the link to the pictures we took over the weekend and on their birthday. CLICK HERE if you wish to see.

What was different this year than years prior, is that I was 'fine', until their actual Birthday day came, and I was a crying mess most of the day.  I felt like I was re-living the hours again, and I remember EVERYTHING like it was yesterday, almost minute for minute.  I don't have to write down a thing, not even a minor detail ever seems to fade away.  Years prior, it was all of those days leading up that were hard and then the actual day was peaceful. Complete opposite! This road never seems to take the same path, so I figure I would write it down to remember that when I ask myself 'WTF' next year!  I wonder what Autumn will say when she is old enough to understand that I'm crying, I hope I can keep it together for her and keep making more beautiful peaceful memories each year for her big sisters.  Anyway, just wanted to share.  Thank you for all of your thoughts, prayers, love and support...always, I will always remember how everyone helps lift me up, and I can only hope I do the same for you all.

Love, Nan xxxooo

Happy 3rd heavenly birthday baby girls

Sigh....

One Month Til They Turn 3 in Heaven

I see myself sometimes as a broken record, playing the same thoughts over and over again. Here I am again trying to plan a special day for my girls' birthday, and all I can do is hope I've made it as special or better than the year before. But it's hard, it's still so darn hard. I wonder sometimes if a few years down the road will I do less or do more or will I be just as I am today.

The past two years we have found ourselves drawn to the beach, maybe its an attachment to their names in the sand or the waves representing the roller coaster ride it's been since losing them, or just being away in a quiet spot (quite frankly its cold and no one is there, and I like it that way!). Last year we forgot to bring the urn with us and had to come home early, so I will be sure not to forget to do that. Regardless, Mike and I both feel that their birthday is our time to reflect and be by ourselves away from everyone, without any influences or pressure, except now we get to share it with Autumn, which is still so bittersweet. Another thing I am planning is trying to finish their scrapbook that we started on their first birthday. I have to give a huge thank you to Meredith's Mommy, Sarita for sending me a beautiful package which included personalized scrapbook tags that are just perfect and I cannot wait to add them. Thank you Sarita! So now I am just trying to find a few more things to do and will share if I get some new ideas.

I have so many thoughts I want to get out, so many wishes I want to send, so many tears I want to cry, for me, for you, for our babies who are above, for those couples trying to conceive, for those trying to adopt, for those couples expecting again who are on edge, for those who recently lost and have the raw raw pain on the inside just bursting to scream outloud. I wonder how everyone is, if we still share many of the same thoughts. Do you feel like you want to be alone on your babies birthday or do you want to celebrate big and involve everyone and open yourself up for those not=meant=to=be=hurtful=but=are, comments. I can't handle those at all, I snap right up now and speak up, whereas before I would not, but I have to to protect my heart and let people know it still stings sometimes, and that I want to talk about my girls even if I cry.

See? Many thoughts...I could go on, but I must sleep and recharge for the next month to come. Love to all, Nan xxxooo

Sweet dreams my beautiful baby girls in Heaven. I know you are never more than a thought away. We love you so much.

Xmas 2011 - Our triplets stocking additions

The pictures don't really doesn't do these justice. It's a gold-ish color with three swavorski (sp?) color crystals in the center, three in one package at the craft store jewelry making section. I wandered for about 20 minutes and it finally popped out at me, I cannot tell you how much I LOVE THAT, when it happens :) So I sewed them on to the stockings over the weekend and I'm missing my sweet girls like crazy. Much love goes out to all of you reading this, no matter what your situation is, I hope you feel embraced by this lovely community of women and men, and that the Holidays are gentle on you. Our babies in Heaven are always in our hearts. xxxooo Nan

The 6th, Again

It's the 6th again, and only 4 months until their 3rd Birthday. It's also time to think about what we will add to our sweet angels' stockings for their 3rd Xmas in Heaven this year. Hmmm...something always pops out at me, so we shall see what it will be this year.

It helps to have started a tradition that involves including the babies every year, and this is something we can do forever :)

Big hugs to those that are struggling, especially this time of year. Much love, Nan

25 Days of Giveaways

I am terrible with adding blog buttons so I am just creating a link here.

Please visit Tina's amazing blog during the month of December for the amazing project she put together again this year ...love to you Tina :) Thanks for all you do!

xxxooo

3 negatives make 1 positive

I could continue to write on and on about the darker side of things, but I always bargained with myself that if I get too dark, that I would surface to the lighter side of life and focus on the positive. So maybe sometimes you need that time and space to go 'there' so you can see the light again.

I woke to what I think is the last flower in the babies garden and also that their tree is winterizing herself. It's always so beautiful to me and reminds me to think of the good things again.
xoxoxo

Thanks for the lift…

Thanks for your comments on my last post sweet friends. It helped to know I wasn’t alone, although I always wish no one else felt like me. But seriously, reaching out just made me feel better, even if it’s a little bit.

Sometimes you have to go fishing, (no not in the great outdoors!) fishing for answers. My last post was to say to my friends in blogosphere that “Hey, I’m struggling, are you struggling too? What do you do to get through it even this far down the road, or are you flopping and flailing like a fish out of water like me too?”

When I talk about my psychologist and what she helps me to see and realize, I want to share it to see if it will help you too. I realize this may not be for everyone, but for myself, there have been a couple of real eye opening sessions. I’ve been battling depression since I was about 21 or so, I am now 36, and didn’t start seeing a psychologist until one month after I lost my baby girls. I have been on and off medications to help, and they usually get me through. I usually know when I am starting another round of depression requiring meds. For instance, lately all it takes is a little trigger and I can drop to my knees and sob, or tears to start streaming with a mere thought of the words “depression” “pressure” or “bitterness”, especially when they are brought up in the psychologists office, and sometimes sitting at my desk at work. Thankfully there is no shortage of tissues at either place, and I don’t care what other people think when it happens. But my point is, when you think you may need help or aren’t sure if you need help, chances are you may. That is not to say you have to go on medication right this instant, but it’s important to talk to a doctor you trust, even if it’s your PCP.

I gotta tell ya, I’m terrified of taking Autumn to the doctors when she is sick, I get panic attacks and super nervous, want to throw up, the whole nine. But it’s a fear of me setting things up to fail as I said in my last post, thinking the doctor will say “She has to go to the hospital for further tests” and then the fear that she will get wheeled away or something, and then the roller coaster starts. But nothing happens; she is completely fine and just needs an antibiotic for an ear infection or just to be watched for a common cold, etc, and we go home thankfully. Those awful thoughts get in my head and I can’t stop it some days. So when I say my brain needs to be re-trained, I think you may understand why now. I apply that train of thought to many things, not just Autumn’s doctor visit. Not good.

Also, if you have other difficult things going on in your life, it just contributes to the grief and depression of losing your child and/or children. I guess I will just bare my soul even more, but what has been the topper for me lately is the realization of not trying to have biological children anymore, it’s over, and I’m slowly accepting it. I just really wanted to try to have an earthly sibling for Autumn to play with so she could grow up like we did, is that selfish? I think not. Mike and I just have every odd against us at this point and I don’t even think I could mentally or physically wrap my head around another IVF cycle (let alone afford it) which isn’t a guaranteed baby anyhow, or even go through a pregnancy full of surgeries and trauma or possible loss. None of our IVF embies ever froze, so there is no chance of a future FET. I am now on BC pills for endometriosis which they aren’t sure how invasive it is, but who knows with all of the things my body has been through, but it’s been painful so I assume the worst (like always). My hubby has had two work accidents in the past 6 years (one near fatal) which thankfully he is ok but he has been out of work for quite some time (not by his choice). The one good thing I find out of that is that he is home with Autumn. Who knows, maybe if we can get our personal life together again we could even talk about adoption, it’s not out of the picture, but we are nowhere near stable enough at this point. There is much more, but I digress. I love having my rainbow most of all and am forever grateful for her making it to be with us on earth. I guess I’m just looking for some hope, some positivity in my negative mind, trying to swim to the surface before I feel like I’m drowning again. I know someday my attitude could affect Autumn and I have to keep trying to fix myself for her most of all.

So how do you will yourself forward when you are stuck in a rut? Blog, reach out to one of us, see a doc, get meds, go fishing, do whatever you have to do I suppose to keep moving forward. I feel better when I blog, time doesn’t allow much of it, but I’m trying. Tell me what you do to feel better…I love to hear suggestions.

Thinking of you all, sending much love back to you for your support and unconditional love xxxooo Nan

Twisted

Its official, my train of thought definitely has to be re-trained. While working with my therapist, she finally said to me that the things I say are self-sabotaging, and that I twist good things into bad things. I automatically think things are going to fail, even if they don't. That's a lot of what I've been doing these past 2 plus years, assuming the worst, and reliving the past. It was a big realization to make, one that I've told myself I need to work on and make things better, if not for me, then for my family on earth. I need to try and stop being so bitter about all of the circumstances beyond my control that have happened. How do you do that though? I will let you know if I figure it out. Sad, I never was like this, ever.

Styx, Stickers, Bubba, Bubbahead

My sweet kitty of 15 and a half long loyal years passed away last night of old age. He has always been such a comfort to me through all of the good and bad times in my life, especially laying with me for days on end against my belly when I lost my baby girls and felt like a hollow shell inside. I didn't think I'd be a blubbery mess like I am, as these past few days it was expected and I just felt numb. I had a huge attachment to him, and he was a good little fur baby, and I will never forget him and miss him forever. Hopefully he's gone on to play with my babies in Heaven. We will bury him close to the babies' garden today. Love you snuggle buddy, thanks for the wonderful memories.

~May 15, 1996 to October 18, 2011~

Wave of Light 2011 - Remembrance Photos

Click here for more photos

Was thinking of everyone xxxooo

Thoughts of tomorrow…

They feel heavier. Should they be lighter? We all know there isn’t a book to follow. I read an article that said losing a child(ren) is a life sentence, how very true this feels to me right now. I just needed to get this out in a short manner as time doesn't allow much for blogging these days, but the pressure cooker feels like it’s about to burst again. I know once I get to 7PM tomorrow I will feel lighter. Even though we are all united in spirit all the time, it just feels nice to have that specific time, that dedication to possibly looking at the same bright star in the sky together. It reminds me of Fievel the Mouse from An American Tail movie…and that darn sappy song that gets me every time [insert tears here].

Love, Nan xoxoxo

Two and a Half Years...

I've been holding my breath for a few weeks, and now I know why. Thankfully I have a therapy appointment tonight to help me work through this a little more. If you've never gone, I really suggest going one time, just to see what it's like and if it's for you. I don't know where I would be without it, literally. Thats all I can really say for now.

Love to you in the clouds my sweet baby girls.

xoxoxo

I forgot

This month was the first month in 2 years, 4 months that I missed acknowledging the "6th" of every month. To a normal person that may seem, well, normal. But to me it just feels like I failed a bit. But I don't feel raw, I don't feel cut, I just feel sad about it, and needed to go to the place that understands it, here. Strangely enough, on that day, I was pulling weeds in the babies' garden and tidying it up with some pruning shears and it just hadn't crossed my mind. So I guess, in my own way, my girls are incorporated in daily life without having to have that date attached to them all the time. Maybe when you get to a certain part of this roller coaster ride it all starts to blend together? Hopefully all in a good way.

I miss them, so much, and am grateful for people in my life that allow me to be who I need to be, and also for people who look for things in "3's" for me :)

Love, Nan xoxoxo

If you want to see garden progress this year, its wonderful, click here!

Happy 2nd Birthday sweet girls

Hi beautiful babies of ours,

We have been thinking of you constantly and trying to stay focused on hoping you are playing in clouds with your family and angel friends. Thank you for showing us what true love is and for all of the blessings we try to live for everyday. Thank you also for the three ships, three seagulls, three bumblebees, three windsailing kites and the beautiful scenery you painted in the sky.

We love you more than words could possibly express,

Love, Daddy, Mommy, S & Autumn xxxooo

~~Attempting to Embrace it, Again~~

Loved with a love beyond all feeling,
Missed with a grief beyond all tears


Missing you tons baby girls, I love you.

Bottled Up

We are rounding the corner to our triplet's 2nd Birthday/Angelversary. I am taking the time to write this post no matter how it comes out or sounds, because I just HAVE TO.

I don't know exactly if I can pinpoint that anticipating another 'date" is making me crazy this past month or two. Or could it be that my outlet of blogging and getting my thoughts out in writing has been lacking for 4 months now. Either way, I can honestly say that no matter what has happened since we lost the girls, I still go through all of the typical phases of grief. For me, sometimes I find myself thinking that "you should be better by now, or should not be going through grief phases, especially with the positive things that have happened to you since then". What I do know and what I have learned, is that this is forever. I can't believe how many people feed me the line "you should be happy now" crap, there is no need to tell me that. Do you want to know how many times I got asked why I have 7 stockings hanging up for Xmas? Duh!

I have alot of things that have been bothering me for a while now, and keeping it bottled up. Not a good thing to do, now I know.

Now that I can recognize what I'm going through, I want to TALK about it, I want to TALK about my girls and celebrate their brief beatiful lives and what they have taught me. But I find that many people IRL (not all, but alot) shy away from me when I want to talk about it, they change the subject or walk away. Really? Seriously, do they even know what I've really been through in the last 6 years alone (yes, they do)? Enough for two lifetimes or more. I left my psychologist appointment last Monday in sobbing tears, the flood gates opened as I realized I really haven't been facing or embracing my thoughts or feelings. I drove to my Moms who thankfully lives 5 minutes away from there and just fell apart on the floor, literally. Then the next day I got super angry, and was angry for about a week which actually affected my work and someone thought I threw them under the proverbial bus. Which, by the way is something I would never ever do. Now I'm in a lull, which is what I think is depression...and I'm on medication now for depression, so what the heck? Phases, ugh.

Grief seems to always win until you recognize the phase you are in. If you cannot outlet your grief somehow, well, atleast for me, I know it will come out in some other way. When I wasn't facing it, I started dreaming and having nightmares...dreaming horrible horrible dreams, and I am still having a few, but they are not as bad. I dream of people being possessed by demons and I have to shake the crap out of them to snap out of it...can you guess what that one means? Yep, I'm asking people to wake the frig up and just listen! You don't have to reply, just listen!!!!!!!!!!!!! There were many other horrible dreams, but most I'd rather keep to myself.

I've been away from blogging for so long now. Partially because I start to write and have to erase it all because my thoughts overwhelm me, and I worry about what others think too much. I know this place is my story to write and etc etc, but I also worry about offending others who read here. I always want to be sensitive to readers who have been through loss, so I try not to bring up Autumn, but she comes up in everything I do. She is forever a little sister on earth to my triplets in Heaven, so how could I leave her out? So if I mention her, please know my intent is not to upset anyone. I will always try to just mention her on our other blog. Sometimes I feel guilty having any of these thoughts in my head when I have Autumn and feel I should just shut up. It's all very conflicting.

I read everyone's blogs every week or so as to keep up, so please know even though I don't comment, I am still thinking of you, wondering, praying, hoping all is as well as it can be.
A good friend texted me and said it best how I've been feeling lately: "It seems like no matter how good you are, it's never great because they aren't here".

I hope I'm off my soapbox for now, I just really needed to vent. Maybe someone out there is feeling the same way I am and if so I hope this brought some comfort to you to know you aren't alone.

We are planning a trip to the beach over the triplets' birthday, and even though it will be cold there, I just felt like we needed some "us" time, to just "be". I think we might light some fireworks and if the weather cooperates we might take lots of beach walks and sit on the jettys. Keeping it simple this year but I know I need to be away from here.

Think Spring.

Much love xxxooo

Candles

I didn't have alot of time after work to get this together, but wanted to share that I lighted candles in honor of all our babies with every candle I had. I did better last year, but next year I want to make sure I have it just perfect. I noticed last year and this year both had very windy cold days, and that my plans for an outside night vigil were not going to happen, so this is what I have, and it was sweet. Hubby and I hugged for a long while and had some tears, but ultimately it showed us even more how much love we have for our children in the sky, and that not a day goes by that we don't think about them. Click here for more pictures, and I hope you all had beautiful candlelit memories. Love, Nan

Layers of Grief.....& Oct 15th Rememberence Day

Living child mentioned, just want to give a heads up in case you don't want to read...but you may find it helpful. If not, please know that I will be thinking of all of our babies in Heaven tomorrow and always....Love, Nan xxxooo
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Since my last post, I have been struggling with what to write. I think we all have either a writer's block sometimes or even just need a break every once in a while. When the year and half mark hit last month, the day was Labor Day (ugh) and I went to the park to walk and push Autumn in her stroller. There I was.....walking, weeping, sobbing and then staring at a beautiful face that will someday know that she has three big sisters who are now in Heaven. I asked myself for a month, how can I still struggle when I have Autumn? Then I realized these things:

1) Because the fact is that my girls were real, they were here and that I still grieve their loss and their dream.
2) Because all of the things I used to do (ie. blog, garden), I can't do as much. So that can sometimes feel like I am taking time away from reflecting on them.
3) Because with each year, the grief gets a little lighter, with some setbacks, but the feeling of guilt comes into the picture for it feeling lighter.
4) Because I'll always worry about losing Autumn too.

None of this is easy, and honestly I have not walked the most graceful path, but to get the thoughts out of my head and to maybe know that someone else may be feeling the same way, just makes me feel better.

My therapist shared something a few months back that may be helpful to some of you, and I have been wanting to write about it for a while. I asked her why I couldn't "process" (in other words, why did I break down hysterically) some things as easily anymore, such as thoughts of a baby shower for myself until Autumn arrived safely. It is because we process things differently now...when someone is grieving, the thought process has alot layers because it has too many things to consider, and becomes emotional overload. So, for example, a baby shower, you think, why can't I handle it? Because, A) It reminds you what you should have had a year ago, B) Fear of seeing another small baby, C) Fear of seeing baby bumps besides your own, D) If it was a surprise shower, then you would feel betrayed by all who knew upfront that you couldn't handle it, E) Fear of having to return gifts or look at a room full of gifts if your baby did not make it, F) I could go on and on and on. Many many layers. And that is just one example. I had a shower after Autumn was born, and I cried a bunch, but I was prepared for it, and prepared to talk about my girls that day also. Surprises don't sit well with us, and I know most here reading can relate.

Anyway, I just wanted to share that. And also, I am thinking of all of our babies in Heaven tomorrow and always. I will be lighting a bunch of candles and we will all be together in spirit tomorrow. I also plan to try and decorate the babies' garden with some flowers and pumpkins.

Hugs, and lots of love, Nan xxx

A Year and a Half Angelversary

It seems like everytime I write here, I am surprised at how long it's been, but really I am not surprised, more like shocked. A year and a half hurts just as much as a year, a half year, a month, etc. The pain of losing them has lessened alot in comparison to those raw times, but I can still remember their smells, the weight of them in my arms and the hurt of having to hold my children for the last time. The past few days leading up to this angelversary have been especially hard, don't know why and I can't explain it. I have been trying to find something special to do to honor their memory, but I've come up with not too much :( But things may have been trying to find me (I think and I hope).

I had a butterfly that was flying all around me and Autumn on our front porch that let me take numerous pictures up close.

We also had two Monarch caterpillars eating the milkweed on our front porch, but left yesterday to go morph somewhere nearby :) I am hoping to see them back again soon flying around our porch, or the garden.

Other than that, the girls' garden is in need of some weeding and pruning so maybe I will make the garden spiffy tomorrow and it will make me feel close to them. Maybe thats whats wrong, that I have not been able to work for them and feel close, I'll give it a shot. Maybe I will have some new flowers bloom tomorrow in "3's" and give me some signs :)

Love to all xxxooo Nan

Support

If you can, please stop by my dear friend Angie's blog to lend some extra support that this loving community is all about. I love you Angie, please please please hang in there and feel our prayers lift you up.

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Today is 17 months without my sweet triplet girls, and I still see those special Heaven sent signs that could be none other than them blowing kisses to us. We drove past a local florist who does displays in this large 2nd floor window, and guess what was in it? Three giant butterflies...just beautiful. Love you, sweet angels.


xxxooo

Mommy Never Forgets You

Dear Baby Girls,

A year ago today, the three of you were due. Certain dates still stick out in my mind and I suppose they always will, which I am grateful for because I never want you far from my thoughts. I will be planting a new flower in your garden tomorrow (as today was just way too hot out there), its orange milkweed and I hope to attract more butterflies!

Goodnight and sweet heavenly dreams, love you always, Mommy xxxooo

Prayers for Deni

Please send my sweet friend Deni lots of support, prayers and love. Their long awaited adoption did not go through as planned and I am so saddened by this outcome. They put so much time, love, emotion and effort into this, and to have it fail is heartbreaking. So you can just imagine the heartache and disappointment making it very much another loss. Please visit her and thanks for all the support.

Love, Nan xxx

16 Months

Dear Shelby, Megan and Lynne,

As another "6th of the month" rolls around, I cannot help but think of where you would be today if you were on earth. You would definitely be walking by now and we'd be chasing you around like crazy making sure our house was super duper child proof so we could keep 50 eyes on you at all times. I love the thought of you all dressed up in three pink dresses running under the sprinklers, or three pink bathing suits on a huge float in the pool, with your daddy taking a massive amount of pictures of the fun you are having. I can only hope it's like that for you up in the clouds.

As we prepare for your baby sister to come this week, I think of you even more, if that is possible. The nursery has a special mural which includes you, me, Daddy, your big brother, your little sister and all of your angel friends in Heaven and on earth. No matter what, you are always going to be in our lives forever and you will always be included in everything we do.

We love you always, Mommy and Daddy. xxx

Above is a picture of the mural in our nursery, it is near completion with a few finishing touches needed. The three eggs in the nest represent Shelby, Megan and Lynne. Ironically, their real tree in the garden has a nest that looks exactly like that that we have pictures of, no eggs though. The seven flowers represent Mike, me, Shelby, Megan, Lynne, my stepson and our daughter on the way. The leaves on the tree represent all of the girls' angel friends in Heaven and their rainbow friends on earth.

Love, Nan xxx

Remembering Tristen Ryan

Please please please, send my dear friend Shandrea all your love, support and prayers. I'm just heartbroken.

Prayers for those who are struggling

You've struggled with your loss or losses and the raw gut wrenching emotion it brings

You've struggled with not having your child or children with you everyday on earth

You've struggled with seeing other women pregnant and/or going (or not) to their baby showers

You've struggled being around infants or toddlers as sometimes they remind you of what you are missing

You've struggled with trying to get pregnant naturally or go through IF treatments or go through adoption

You've struggled (if you've gotten pregnant or are adopting now) with wondering if your earthly baby or babies are going to make it or if you will have more angels in Heaven or a failed adoption

You've struggled with guilt and all of the phases of grief over and over and over again

You know this is going to effect you for the rest of your life and will always be on your heart and mind

Etc...Etc...Etc...the list goes on and on

So why should anyone have to struggle through trying to make it again to be earthly parents no matter what the route? Why can't things just be ok? Why can't there be a guarantee, like on a box of brake pads? I'm sorry but my heart is very heavy today and I have to ask God why anymore. I am not super religious but I have my own beliefs. Call me selfish, but I want my friends to be ok and to have their babies on earth, just like I want mine too. So I will cling to hope and pray and ask that you also pray for not just my friends, but for all of us in this community going through every struggle we know all too well. Maybe the key is that we all keep bonding together to form a super alliance...wouldn't super powers be nice right now.

Love, Nan xxx

Our Forum

Our little Forum for Grieving Dads isn't doing so well, it appears to be very very stagnant. I wanted to take this time to reach out to whoever reads this, to please share it on your blogs (if you haven't already), share it by word of mouth or email. I would love to be able to ramp up the activity so our guys can get some support, or even just know they have somewhere 'just for them' to go, especially with Father's Day coming around this weekend.

Thanks for your help xxx Nan



To Grab This Button, See Link on the Right Side of This Blog

Things in 3's

I am noticing (in my lengthy time of not blogging) that I keep seeing things in 3's. I often take these as little "signs" to bring me comfort. The girls' garden is flourishing and really producing beautiful pictures and new flowers everyday. This sounds totally non-logical, but I didnt know the weeping cherry tree would actually produce little cherries...not that there are a ton or that I will be harvesting cherries or anything! But I thought that was a neat little surprise to walk out to the other day.

This is actually my 100th post. I wish I had some amazing thing to do for it, but honestly, I do not have the mental or physical energy. As some of you know we are expecting our rainbow grasshopper in just a few weeks and I get sad and happy when looking at the nursery....sad because it's being redone and looks only a little bit like it did for the girls...but happy because they will be incorporated in a mural we are doing (and more) and always a part of our lives. I miss my girls every day, and it shows in everything I do, and I know that's ok.

Tomorrow it will be 1 year and 3 months since my girls grew their wings, the 6th of every month is ALWAYS on my mind...you are forever in my thoughts and in my heart every day sweet baby girls, love you.

***

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I was devastated to read of another loss this week within the BLM community, completely heartbroken. All you want to do is cling to hope for Mom's trying so hard to have their rainbow baby, and when that gets crushed you really feel for them....deeply. Please please please send some extra love to Courtney, Mommy to twins ^Logan^, ^Brody^, and little brother, ^Wyatt^. Fly high sweet little Wyatt, but not too far so Mommy can see you.

Hiding Out

I've been hiding out, mainly in my girls' garden, watching all of the pretty blooms in progress. It really is a beautiful place and I am so glad it's there to play in. What I find the most interesting, is how some of the plants are coming up differently this year, as compared to last year. For those of you who have followed this blog for a while, you may remember my post called The Last Flower, but it was the last flower that bloomed in my garden in 2009 before Winter set in. There was only one sole flower that came up and it took until October to even show itself. Since then, I have learned that its called a Maximillian Perennial Sunflower, and that it's supposed to have MANY blooms. Well, this year, it started early, has been taking over a good section of the half moon and has so many buds that I lost count! Here are a couple pics:




I think I will split some of it up and replant some in other places. Its really hardy, and pretty!

As I see more or notice anything else different I will definitely share, you can count on that. I really find so much purpose and so much closeness being out there. I will add more to the garden after our rainbow has arrived safely.

******

Mother's Day. Just hurt, like for most of us. It went ok, but not without the occasional breakdown. Especially after receiving this:

My Mom gave me some pink geraniums I cannot wait to get planted soon. Thanks Mom, you always remember your beautiful Granddaughters in Heaven, and are always there for me, I don't know what I would do without you. I love you.

Hubby had three butterflies placed in this beautiful floral arrangement that arrived at our house. So when I saw it, I counted out loud "one, two, oh my God did you place three butterflies in there" and then had a meltdown in his arms. I am choked up thinking about it. I miss my girls so much, and it sometimes still hurts like it did a year ago. I can't even believe I can say that 'a year ago'. Those moments are going to hit me occasionally for the rest of my life on earth, and it only reminds me more of how real they were in my arms, of how beautiful they are in my pictures and how much I want to honor and cherish them forever. So to my wonderful hubby, I love you, and thank you for all you do to keep our girls' memories alive, and keep me sane. This was a beautiful and most thoughtful gift...and I get to keep the butterfly garden stakes! xxx

So Happy Belated Mother's Day to all of the beautiful Moms, on earth and in heaven, I am sorry I am so late, I guess I needed some time to process the day. I used to process things so easily, now it takes alot of time....does anyone else feel that way?

******

Lastly, I would like to share what Jennifer created for her local hospital. Please visit her blog to read a document posted "Important tips for medical personnel in dealing with grieving parents". I plan on bringing this to the nurse manager at our hospital when I bring more tissue donations. Please note, her site has pictures and a living child mentioned, so if you have a hard time with those, then please email me and I can email you the document if you want.

Sending you all some Spring butterflies and sunshine.

Love, Nan xxxooo

Forever My Firefly too....

I feel like an Auntie to this special little boy, because I have a friendship so special in Andrea that we could be sisters. (Tears streaming as I write this). And although we don't share the same Angelversary date, we share the 6th of each month, and have done so for almost a year now, trying to keep eachothers heads above water. Andrea, I love you and I am praying for your heart to feel lifted today as you celebrate your amazing little one. I thank God everyday for having you in my life.

Christian, Happy First Heavenly Birthday little man. We love you and are thinking of you all of the time. I hope you are playing with my girls and celebrating in those big beautiful white puffy clouds. Without you I would have never have been brought to your Mommy, my Angel on Earth. She is sending all of her love to you today and always. Love, Auntie Nan xxx

You are a Mom...

And a beautiful one at that....

Thinking of all of you lovely ladies and sending love to you all xxx Nan

Awareness

To back up my last post even better:

Please pass it on!!

Grief in Many Forms, (i.e. Infertililty)

My head spins in a 1000 directions most days. You know you are a different person. Grief has so many faces and phases. This particular post is about infertility as it relates to IVF or IF procedures.

A dear friend in Sweden, Angie, has recently found out they may need to go through IVF. She is devastated, as she has every right to grieve losing their ability to conceive naturally, as does anyone going through IF. What is puzzling is that they conceived naturally last year, but unfortunately miscarried their little boy Adam. I remember when Mike and I found out we had to go through IVF 4 years ago, it was very difficult to process at first. But that is all I remember before jumping into the "process" two weeks later. At the time, I did not know infertility was a form of grief, and looking back, it all seems like a blur. I knew NOTHING, and it was alot of information to take in. Now that I know so much more and am able to share my experiences with others, I know I can make a resource to many. Which brings me to asking many of you reading this to send some prayers and/or advice to Angie, as her and her hubby have an appointment tomorrow with the RE to discuss their options and further results.

If anyone has any questions on IVF, there are many resources out there including many of us who have gone through it that would be more than willing to share. If you would like to comment with your experience, and/or a link to a helpful website, link or post, feel free to do so here and I will reference this post on the side of my blog as a quick reference.

Thanks dear friends xxxooo Love, Nan

Beautiful

I wish I could easily access my roof and get a better picture of this, if only. It was actually a double rainbow but was kind of hard to catch on the camera.

It goes to someone out there who knows who she is :) :) :) From me and my girls :)

I know I haven't been blogging much lately, but in no way does that mean I have stopped doing things for my baby girls. In fact I have been spending most of my time in the garden and staring at their tree, taking various pictures (couple hundred!). Below, we recently planted three new flowering perennials that are in the row closest to the grass.

We also had to plant something in the place of the azalea, as it did not make it through the winter unfortunately. It was a beautiful pink and white one that I have many pics of from last year. The new plant is a pink heather and it fits the area perfectly and will not take over the garden.

Here is another tree pic below. I love taking pictures of the tree from this perspective (my favorite perspective) looking up to Heaven. I even sometimes see shapes in the clouds, like an angel wing in this one.

And with the sun beaming through...

The tree still has pink blooms hanging on, but they have mostly been replaced with lots of bright green leaves and its so full and beautiful. The pink blooms are now making 'snow' on the ground. This garden was the perfect thing for me to honor my angels and spend time out there feeling the closest to them I can possibly get in that moment. I have lots of moments and places, but the garden is really helpful to stay positive and smile.

Do you have anything you like to do that reminds you the most of your angel(s) and makes you feel some presence and smile? I would love to hear it.

Sending out hugs xxx

Love, Nan

Awards and Stuff :)

Here is the first award...

I am honored to accept the Beautiful Blogger Award from Deni @ Making Our Troxclair Family, and also from Shandrea @ Loving My Angels, from Kristin @ My Family of Three, and from Mary @ Our Angel Amiee. Thank you so much ladies, I am honored by each and every one of you, and I feel so incredibly humbled that so many find my blog creation for my babies as beautiful :-) xxxooo

Here are the rules for the award:

~Thank the person who nominated you and link to their blog.
~Copy the award and paste it to your blog.
~Tell us 7 interesting facts about yourself.
~Nominate 7 bloggers that you love and link to their blog.

So, 7 ‘interesting’ (I hope) facts about me...

1 ~ I grew up as a total tomboy with my best friend Aimee. We spent most of our childhood time walking around in the woods without shoes and looking for worms in the dirt, salamanders under rocks and crayfish in the creek. We even made a fishing pole with a stick, string and a paperclip shaped like a hook, and caught blue gills with it, believe it or not. I still like to go camping and fishing and do stuff that the boys like to do!

2 ~ I am a terrible dancer, but I like to try, especially after a glass of wine…or two.

3 ~ I had six toes on my left foot when I was born, it was an extra big toe and my parents had it removed when I was 8 months old.

4 ~ Mike and I met online in 2000, twas love at first sight J

5 ~ I have two dogs, three cats and three geckos, I’ve always been surrounded by animals my entire life.

6 ~ I can look at any room in my house and have some sort of reminder of my baby girls in Heaven (I place things that way). It assures me that I will never stop thinking about them and I love to add anything I find with three butterflies on it to the mix. Sometimes that includes a lot of impulse purchasing!

7 ~ I love to do laundry, my water bill shows it too…I need one of those energy efficient washers and dryers that hold 50 pairs of jeans J


And now 7 bloggers to be nominated (sorry if you have already!):

Jennifer @ The Blue Sparrow

Nicolle @ One who flys above and one who flutters within

Andrea @ Julia, Our Christmas Angel

Rachel @ Three Butterflies and a Monkey

Katy @ In Hannah’s Honor

Christy @ Almost a Mother

Nichole @ Our Journey for Another Blessing


Please visit each of their blogs and share some love!!




A the Second Award....

I am also honored to accept the Making Lemonade out of Lemons Award from Shandrea @ Loving My Angels. Thank you so much dear friend, you navigate this process with grace and a ray of sunshine and I am grateful for you.

Here are the award rules:

- Put the Lemonade logo on your blog or within your post.
- Nominate at least 10 blogs with great attitude or gratitude.
- Link the nominees within your post.
- Let the nominees know they have received this award by commenting on their blog.
- Share the love and link to the person from whom you received this award.

So, here's who I'd like to share this award with...

EVERYONE who reads this…as I feel we have all had to make the best of our horrible situations and are just trying to survive everyday without our babies. Feel free to take this award and post it on your blog :) (((HUGS)))



Now on to my other stuff :) ...

Michelle @ Missing Juanito dyed Easter Eggs for lots of our babies in Heaven. So sweet! Thank you so much for thinking of my precious girls :)





To my beautiful baby girls, this is from your Mom-Mom for Easter, she loves you so much:

(Butterflies Love My Garden)


And if you want to stare more at the tree – feel free – I know I do!! It feels and smells as pretty as it looks...I love it so much that I've taken almost a hundred pictures of it so far this Spring!

Love, Nan xxxooo