Garden Progress

Had alot of fun in the garden yesterday! Here are some pics, and also, here is a link if you want to see more: http://picasaweb.google.com/nancywithtriplets
I have become picture crazy! The program that I use is awesome for sharing pics, and its easy to use. I had created it originally to share pics of our pregnancy progress, ultrasounds and belly shots :( But, atleast I can still use it to share our journey to healing :)

Almost lost my way

Grief is a B%$#@!

One day your fine, the next day, a wreck. One week your fine, the next week, a wreck. Up and down and feeling nutso, what feels like forever. Why can't there just be a period where you grieve and then be able to deal from then on? Apparently, "it doesn't work that way", says the therapist. Who made up that rule? I have a bone to pick with them whoever it is.

I had moved our balloon release for the girls from last weekend to June 6th, and I AM keeping it that date now. A few days ago, I wasn't so sure, and almost lost my way. I had managed to turn my beautiful picture of the celebration of their lives, into a tearful goodbye, in a matter of days, and I fell apart. What was I thinking? My initial purpose for doing this, was to send messages to my beautiful babies, and NEVER EVER say goodbye. Your thoughts can drive you crazy and make you twist things around way too easily while going through a horrific loss.

So, if you are reading this, and are going through the same thing, I am sorry and I know how you feel. It helped to write the thoughts down, ask opinions on a grief forum, and talk with the therapist or whoever will listen.

What I now know:

1) You can turn negative thoughts back into positive thoughts with the right tools, seek help.
2) Don't go through this alone, you are not alone, even if you feel that way.
3) You will find comfort in doing things to remember your angels, even if they are small things.
4) (From Jessica) Treat yourself as you would treat a best friend who had just gone through what you had, and give yourself some slack. Go easy on the expectations you set for yourself.

There are more, but I think you get the idea. It's easy to get lost, but there is always hope that you will be found again. This isn't to say that I know everything about gief, however, slowly but surely I am learning my way through the quick turns it can take. I want to share my experience in hope it helps someone, somewhere, to recognize the steps they may be going through, cause it just plain sucks.

I miss my baby girls everyday...I'm off to the garden to be in their presence now :)

Love, Nan

Just some pics...

Slowly but surely we are getting the girls' garden together. I keep adding to it though, I don't think I want to stop working. If our angels were here I would have been non-stop, and I think I was preparing myself for that, and want to keep working towards something. *sigh* Next thing we have to do is place weed screening down and then mulch. Just wanted to share some pics of what we've been doing, hope you like: (I had a slide show up - but it didnt look that good - so here are the pics again)

Updates...

BABY STEPS GARDEN: The plants I ordered arrived today. I am trying to figure out how I am going to plant them since we have now measured an area against the fence. I have not dug up any grass over there yet! So, I have a good project ahead of me :) I am tired today, but I will probably start working on it. The plants arrived so tiny and some are bulbs, so its going to take a while for them to flourish, but gonna be so worth the wait.

HOME LIFE: Hubby is away on a job, and he is only going to be home on weekends. It will probably be like that for about a month. I miss him not being here and am having a 50/50 time with it. It is the first time he has been away overnight since the girls were born, and its hard being alone. I seem to have alot of company stopping over and alot of help from our neighbors (good friends!) which is so welcome. My older dog is good, my puppy is BAD BAD BAD! Grrr.....

BALLOON RELEASE: We were going to have the balloon release/picnic this weekend but I started stressing about it, so we decided to move it to June 6th. I like that date better because it will be the babies' three month angelversary...it's just that I think it will be something more significant to us.

RANDOM THOUGHTS: I still want to go in the nursery and see our beautiful girls be there. I don't want to go to work. I think I'm in a funk. I think I'll pull through. Life sucks. Life is ok. Glad I have Mike and friends and family. Still angry at Him. I'm a Mom no matter what. I wanted Danny Gokey to win American Idol, darn it. I'm a weirdo, I know!

Will update next post with pics of the garden.

Love to all. Nan xo

Got my bracelet!!

Well it was another teary day in the Reiber household, part sad part happy. But all is well. My bracelet is beautiful and makes the most wonderful sound when the charms move. I tried to take some pictures but my camera is acting up.....the good news is that my dear new friend Sue sent me pictures of it, better than I could have taken!

Garden... & neighbors new fence

Hey everybody,

The neighbors told us they were installing a fence ("nothing personal"). They have a grumpy old dog that barks at everything he sees, including the air around him. Anyway...although it's a nice fence, the chain link fence was left up with it and they put the ugly side facing us (backside of the fence with posts), and I don't like the way it looks in the background of the babies' garden. So, I wanted to ask for suggestions on what to plant to take over the fence, something that grows fast with little maintenance, if possible. I heard honeysuckle was good, but it attracts alot of bees/bugs. Any thoughts? I'm still waiting for the garden plants I ordered, two of them are a jackmani clematis (http://springhillnursery.com/jackmanii-climbing-clematis/p/17004/), which might help a little. The girls' tree is so pretty!!! Love, Nan

Pray for Kayleigh in Heaven

This hit close to home for me, our babies were close to a pound and Ive been following Kayleigh's story. It's just remarkable how strong this little one was and how loved she is, but so sad she did not make it. Bless her family and send her prayers. Just tears...
http://kayleighannefreeman.blogspot.com/

Importance of Family and Friends

No matter what the situation is, to be recognized as a Mother, is priceless. On Mother's Day morning, we went to my Mom's house for breakfast, and I was greeted by everyone saying Happy Mother's Day and giving me flowers and cards. It was so welcomed after all we had been through. I was actually (dare I say) happy. I was just happy to be around everyone finally. It has been (I think) since Xmas that our family (well, my side, which is about 17 people including nieces and nephews) has come together all in one place. When we had the babies, everyone was coming and going, never together. So I was happy. Happy that I could be around all the kids and be ok with them. I missed them.

I am so glad I have my Mom too, she is the reason I want children of our own, to raise them the way I was raised, happy. She is a blessing and I thank my lucky stars everyday that I have her.

The two nurses I mention in the birth story are my sister Lynne, and sister in law Barbara (hence, baby girl C became Lynne Barbara!!!). They are amazing women and I received a beautiful necklace from both of their families yesterday. They said it is three tear drops, one for each baby girl, and they are my tears, so no more crying, its in the necklace! Well, ofcourse more tears came, so thats not gonna happen! But it meant alot to me. I have never had this much jewelry in my life, and now I get to wear all of it to remember my babies. Plus I have my bracelet coming! I am a lucky girl, and I am happy.

Thank you everyone for your continued support to Mike and I.. I love my family and friends for helping us get by everyday.

Love, Nan xo

Hubby is the BEST!!!

Mike could tell that I have been struggling this weekend. He decided to give me my Mother's Day present tonight, I think because he knows I would be a crying mess (which I was)! I told him the bracelet was going to his present to me, but he wanted to do something himself. He has always told me my Mother's ring would have the babies birthstones. I have failed to mention, and I feel terrible about it, that I do have a stepson Scotty who is 13 years old. It's not that I do not love him, we just don't get to see him alot and I feel as though I have not had alot to do with raising him. I do love him dearly though, he is a sweet kid and brought me flowers! So, a few years ago, Mike bought me a Mother's ring with our birthstones (Mike, me and Scotty) and always said he would add the babies when they were born. And so he kept his promise. I love you honey, always and forever. xoxo

In honor of all Moms

To all Mom's, heavenly and earthly or both, Happy Mother's Day.

I went with my Mom to the cemetary today to visit my Grandmom, and the minute we drove in, I started bawling. All I could think about is that I hope my Grandmom is with my precious babies and watching over them. It's so hard to not think of what could have been. I know I am a Mom, but it makes it really hard to accept it when your children are in Heaven. If I could trade places with them, I would, in a heartbeat. This is, by far, the most difficult thing I have ever had to endure in my 34 years. I am getting by, but I can't help but think that no matter how many things we do to honor the girls, it will never bring them back. I wish there was a way. So to try and bring some peace and comfort to myself, I can only hope that our babies are being cared for by our lost loved ones above. I pray. I miss my baby girls sooo much.

Our turtle with the lighted butterfly is now in the garden. He looks adorable. I took a picture but the light is too low, with the nighttime...here it is but I don't know if you can see it, you can click on the pictures and it should show them full size:



My bracelet is being made with lots of love fom my special new friend in Australia, she is waiting until Mother's Day (our time, EST) to put the footprints in their frames. How sweet is that?! Another sobbing mess I am! I will post the pictures of the bracelet when I get it. Oh, I am going to be a blubbering mess tomorrow. My tears are my reminders of being a Mom. *sigh*

Love to all, Nan xo

2 Month Angelversary

Dear baby girls,

Just thinking alot about you today, I can't believe it's been two months since you were born. If you can see me or hear me I am with you always and trying to do many things to honor your memory that is forever imprinted on my heart. I wish I didn't feel sad when I think about you, I just want to hold you in my arms one more time. I will always know you are safe in the clouds above. Whenever I look up, I'll feel you near me. Whenever I feel the sunshine, I'll feel you near me. Whenever I feel the rain on my face, I'll feel you near me. Forever.

I love you always, Mommy xoxoxo

Garden Addition

So we were wondering around in Kmart over the weekend and walked past this little guy holding a butterfly ... so of course I had to buy it! The turtle has a solar panel on his back and the butterfly lights up a yellow glow at night! I know what you're thinking `Is she going to buy everything she sees with a butterfly?` ....yea, probably. I read that the butterfly is a symbol of rebirth after death, and for some reason that brings me some peace.

An added note on the rememberence bracelet - I found out I can put an image on both sides of the charm frame...so I am pretty sure we are going with the babies actual footprints on one side and the seashore pic on the other side. The woman who runs that site is a sweet soul. Again, I think these places find me, and thankfully.

xoxoxo

Rememberence Bracelet

I just wanted to share what I might eventually purchase to wear to keep my girls close to me. It would have three charms with the pic that Carly took of their names in the sand. I really want to support Carly who has done so much for so many. I like it because the charms together will make noise and keep me thinking of them always (not that I don't do that now!) Here is the link:
http://www.sueellasignatures.com.au/index.php?option=com_virtuemart&page=shop.product_details&flypage=flypage.tpl&product_id=108&Itemid=61

Work was ok, I am lucky they are so nice and understanding and that its a small office. Was an easy first day. Thanks to all who asked and supported me through it :)

Love, Nan xo

Nervous

I have had the last 8 weeks to focus on our loss and think about the girls. I have to return to work tomorrow and Im feeling alot of anxiety right now. I don't want to take my focus off of our angels for a second. Would I be feeling this same way if the girls were here and not in heaven? Probably so. But it almost feels like work will get in the way. I guess I have to just hold my breath and do it, but I know my mind will not be there, it will be staring out the window. Maybe eventually I will find the balance, but in my head and my heart, the scale is tipping with the longing to have my babies here and still make sense of it all. When do you know you are finally "ok"? When does the hurt stop? How do you get your mind to focus? I want to be able to walk in the nursery and look through our mementos if I need to during the day. I want to keep working in the garden and feel the sunshine all day. I want to be able to sit and cry all by myself if I need to. Work is getting in the way. I have seen alot of suggestions for remembering the babies, and one of them is getting a customized piece of jewely so you can wear it and feel like your angels are with you. Perhaps I need to look into this more. Wish me luck. Love, Nan

Can a child help heal your heart?

I was watching my youngest niece yesterday (sister still sick) and we played all morning. Holly is 16 months and just adorable. So, can a child help heal your heart? For some, maybe not, but for me, absolutely. When her little face looks up at me and smiles or when she reaches up for me to pick her up or when she laughs cause I say "Im gonna get ya!", it makes my heart melt. I just had an awesome time with her and it made me realize that I still do want to continue the quest to be an earthly Mommy someday, no matter how hard IVF will be again. How can you not with this face?!

Also I was also trying to retouch the photo of the ducks from the other night and get it to be lighter - not sure if you can make them out but here goes:

Love, Nan

Tuesday....

Today was the first time that someone who didn't know me asked if I had kids. My instant response was "not yet". I was so upset with myself that I said that, but it wasn't the time nor the place to explain it, and quite frankly, I am not ready to have to explain it especially to someone I don't know. What I wanted to say is that I have three beautiful triplet angels together in heaven. I guess I'll be better prepared if it happens again since that hit me like a brick wall. Someday.....I will overcome.

An added note about yesterday and the garden...later last night right before it became very dark, two ducks, a Momma and Pappa were waddling near the girls' garden! I tried to get a pic but it was too dark for the camera. I thought, how sweet would that be if she laid eggs near the garden and had little baby ducklings running around. And then the cloud above my head was popped by the 100 pound puppy barking and jumping up on the fence, and so they flew away.....so much for that!



Love, Nan

Can we catch a break?

My poor sister has pneumonia, she had to get checked out at the hospital today. She has a busy house to run with her hubby and three great kids 13, 10 and 1. All I could think to do was to try and do half of what she had done for me during my recovery after we lost our children, but it doesn't seem like enough just to watch the kids or finish her laundry. I am just glad I have these last couple days off before I return to work on Friday if she needs me. I am so grateful for her and wish I could do more.

It feels like our family continually gets battered, but we somehow pull through, but Im getting so so tired. Maybe its a post-partum depression thing, I now have no pregnancy hormone in my system anymore and a period from hell. It just hurts. All of it. Sorry this post is turning out to be sad and all about me, not much of a tribute to my angels, but I guess this is the part of still feeling lost without them, and I needed to get this out of my head somehow.

On a lighter note, I was watering the tree and garden tonight and everything is flourishing. I want to add more to it so bad....the plants I have ordered cannot get here soon enough!

The Memorial Tree, and other thoughts of the day...

The tree arrived yesterday, it is so pretty. I was so excited and sad at the same time. We decided on a Double Pink Weeping Cherry (or technical name: Prunus Subhirtella Pendula Plena, if anyone is looking into buying one). It was perfect planting weather too, it seems like Winter went right into Summer. Still have more to do in the garden, but it's really taking shape now, I love it. Here are 2 pics:

On another note, I'm missing my babies alot, and it has been a hard weekend with all of the tributes to our babies coming in. I know I should start thinking of a ceremony for my girls, maybe on Memorial Day? I want to have a celebration of their lives, not a sad service. Maybe if I have a Memorial Day Picnic I can make it a Picnic/Celebration with a balloon release? I like the idea of a balloon release because everyone can be involved (if they want to), and they can write a special note to the girls and attach it to the balloons. I think of more and more things everyday.

This is a butterfly garden ornament I found, the wind makes the wings flutter!

Love, Nan

Be prepared, you might cry...

I have a wonderful support network. My husband, my Mom & Dad, my sisters, my brothers, all of my family and dear friends, I don't know what I would do without them. I am a very lucky girl and am thankful everyday that I have them.

I also have internet resources that are very helpful, and some other women I talk to on a forum who have gone through what we have been through. They are always looking for, and suggesting things to do for our babies we have lost, in honor of their memory. I found this site through them, but I like to think it found me.

Please click on the link below to see what a wonderful woman, who lives half way around the world in Australia, has done for us and the girls. She does this out of the kindness of her heart and created the site in honor of the baby boy she lost:

http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/2009/04/shelby-lee-megan-aimee-and-lynne.html


I also met another amazing woman on the forum and she has put our angels names on her site. She has also lost her triplet angels, but has gone on to have a baby girl recently, happy and healthy! Here is the link:

http://tripletbutterflywings.com/heavensbutterflygarden.aspx

Love, Nan xo

More Garden Pics

Worked alot in the garden today, hopefully getting a tree tomorrow! The tree will go in the area that looks kinda like the turf is raised - I have to move all of that grass! I planted a climbing rose bush to hopefully start growing over the ugly chain-link fence. Hey, Im not bashing chain-link fences, it keeps my puppy from running and digging in my precious garden! So it serves a good purpose. Just wanted to share the photos. Love, Nan

Planting the Garden

Last weekend we started the beginning of our babies garden. It felt good to work outside and devote my time to them. We have alot to do including planting a tree (my sister Lynne is getting for us - thanks sister I love you!) and I have ordered flowers and shrubs that attract butterflies and hummingbirds which I hope comes in soon! I want to get a swinging bench and stepping stones to go under the tree as well. So far, we have planted some flowers that we got from family members at Easter, this will be a place where everyone can go and plant something or just reflect. The hyacinth is from my Mom (Grandmom), the Hydrangea is from my Aunt Nancy (Great Aunt Nancy) and the Azalea is from my sis in law Cheri (Aunt Cheri) Here is a pic of the beginning of our garden, I call it Baby Steps, Our Memorial Garden for Shelby, Megan and Lynne.

Other things we are doing besides the garden I will put on another post.

Love, Nan

2nd Blog Ever - The "Story"

So I was thinking of what I wrote about what happened when we lost the girls. It was ten days after they were born and I wanted to get my thoughts on paper. It has also helped me explain to numerous people without having to talk too much about it, since it upsetted me so. Anyway, since I have been doing alot better than I was then, I thought Id post what I wrote on here, to have it be part of their memorial. This is their site, a tribute to my beautiful girls. It has been almost 7 weeks now and I am starting many projects to honor them, including documenting on this page. Here is the story:

In loving memory of Shelby Lee, Megan Aimee and Lynne Barbara,
March 6, 2009, born at 20 weeks, 0 days.

After 3 years of trying to conceive children, IVF finally worked and blessed us with a triplet pregnancy, our first and last pregnancy. Everything was going beautifully, all normal and good ultrasounds, so nothing would have made me think what was about to come. I lost my mucous plug on Monday March 2nd after I sneezed, and my back had been feeling like it was on fire lately. The OB office was closed due to bad weather so I called the next morning and they said “just watch it, and call us if you see any blood. If it makes you feel better, come in, but otherwise we will see you Thursday for your regular appt”. So, with them not too concerned or encouraging, I decided to not go in. I was leaving work on Thursday to go to my level 2 ultrasound and noticed I had some fluid and a very small amount of blood. When I got to the U/S appt, I told the tech I may need to see the MFM due to the plug issue and some fluid I just noticed. My Mom had come with me to this appt since my hubby had to work. The tech checked the babies and all had heartbeats around 138 so I was happy to see that, but she left the room for a minute and brought the MFM in, so then my heart sank. He said he was not going to “sugar-coat” this, but part of baby A’s sac has protruded through my 1-2 cm dilated cervix, and they have to take me to labor and delivery for monitoring and have me transferred to another hospital that can better help me. They then tilted me back as if to try and get the sac to go back up. I didn’t quite understand this and laid there silent, I looked at my Mom and she said she didn’t feel so good and (bless her heart) she fainted. My ride to L&D had not come yet so I was able to stay with her until she woke up. I was so upset, but glad to see her awake, and I am blessed to have my sister who works as a nurse at this same hospital so I knew she would be able to stay with my Mom after we got in touch with her, which did happen. I was not in L&D long and the ambulance transport came and drove me to the other hospital. They took me straight up to L&D triage to be checked out more closely. I am also blessed to have my sister in law who actually works as an OB Nurse, and she had been working that day and came in to see me and explain what was happening. They had to test to see if any of the fluids were membrane or just mucous, and they also brought up an ultrasound machine to show me what had happened and explained it again. I could clearly see that baby A was not through my cervix but that a good portion of the sac was protruding through. My husband had arrived in time to see this. The docs left for a while and then came back to tell us that the fluid is indeed amniotic fluid and that the sac had ruptured. Also, the back pain I had all week was contractions/back labor. I asked if they could fix it and everyone’s face just went blank. The news went to even more devastating and awful after this and I am just heartbroken and destroyed. They explained that they cannot do much at 20 weeks for me since the babies are not considered “viable” until 24 weeks, and that I could possibly have an infection that could eventually turn fatal for me if I did not deliver soon. They would not resuscitate or give me steroid shots to improve their lungs until 24 weeks. I was also told that if I delivered baby A and tried to keep babies B&C that they would only have a 50% chance at survival and a 90% chance of being severely handicapped, plus I still risked the chance of infection at any time especially if I spiked a fever they would also deliver me right away. The infection info was enough to make my husband say that he could not lose me and there will be no babies without me. The only thing to do was wait and try to make the best decision we knew, we pretty much knew what was going to happen inevitably, and the docs kept saying it. By the next morning I had started getting a fever and had been having more contractions so everyone agreed I had to deliver before it was too late. So I had to deliver my girls that day and got to hold them for a short while and then gave them to my husband to be with them until they left the world. They couldn’t even cry. I cannot write more of these delivery details on paper yet, I am so tormented over this whole thing I cannot stop going through 500 emotions a day, but everyone says to write write write. I have so many questions I will never have answers to. Why did this happen? Why didn’t I feel anything coming through? Could I have prevented this by going into the docs office earlier in the week? What is the lesson here and why did God take them away? How can God take 3 children like that? Should I have continued with the risk to myself and refuse delivery? I feel so guilty and angry I do not know what to do. The MFM came in to see me afterwards and said if I decide to try again that they would then give me a cerclage (stitch in the cervix at 12 weeks). Why would I try again with the chance of such an awful outcome and why didn’t they watch me closer I was almost measuring 40 weeks and why didn’t they give me a cerclage in the beginning of this pregnancy? I cannot comprehend and it has only been ten days since the girls were born. I couldn’t even find out they were 3 girls until I delivered, I was supposed to find out in the level 2 ultrasound I had scheduled for that day. I just want to know when I will stop hurting so badly.

First Blog Ever

Well Ive finally made it to the blogging generation. After the loss of our triplets, it has helped me immensely to write down my thoughts and feelings, so I thought I'd try to do it this way. More to come...