Thursday, November 5, 2009

Varying Stages of Grief...

So, "apparently" (says the therapist), my most recent stage I experienced was anger. Pretty much why I haven't been on here lately, as I try to never be angry on my girls' site. But I do like to share things I find informative, just in case it helps another babylost momma out there somewhere.

I had two dream determined that I am angry for not being in control of anything (would rather not share that dream - disturbing and graphic); the second was about a child who stole my cell phone and wouldn't return it back to me, so I spanked him....this interpreted to something about me being angry for taking my children away from me. Who thinks like that? Who am I? Why did I spank someone's kid I don't even know? I wouldn't spank anyone it doesn't solve anything!! Why must we go through these stages over and over again, haven't we been through enough? This wasn't me before, but it is me now.

I go through my day to day, muddling through, putting on the smile, trying not to show any signs of reverting back as people just don't want to see it, they want to see us happy again, and I get that, I do. I know with more time it gets a little easier, but I will go through these varying stages of grief for the rest of my life, probably with a little more ease eventually. Not everyone seems to understand that this is forever....I will be 70 someday and will cry for my girls. In fact, tomorrow is my 8 months without them, and right now I feel like I will count every 6th of the month forever. Maybe I can do something to honor them to help jump the hurdle of anger, as I haven't done much lately in the cold weather. The thing is, I mentally feel fine right now (except for a head cold), but right when I least expect it, I feel mad about something.

I don't like any of the stages of grief, but anger is probably the worst for me, as it projects on the people around me...I can't help who gets hit (spanked, rather!), but I can keep helping myself to get through it. With the help of this community of beautiful women and with the support of family and friends, it will get a little better, day by day. Thanks for bearing with me...on to the next...

Anyone else have similar experiences with anger? It feels like there is a bit of a dark cloud above many of us, I am praying it lifts real soon. HUGS!!!!!!!!

Love, Nan xoxoxo


  1. thinking of you Nan and sending love and hugs, suz xx

  2. It seems as though there are no clear cut "stages" of grief. It's all over the place, and different for each person. It is frustrating when you think you are past a certain phase, and then you revert back. So frustrating! Like in my post "1 step forward, 2 steps back", I just touched on the same subject. I'm right there with you girl. Unfortunately, I think it is a long and bumpy road ahead of us. For some reason though, WE are strong enough to get through this, and it will get easier. Hang in here!

    Thinking of you.

  3. I stages change from day to day, sometimes even hour to hour..sometimes I just don't even know what to do with frustrating..sending hugs!!

  4. Yep, roller coaster all right.

  5. Hi honey,

    You'll never have to remember the 6th alone, I'm beside you all the way. Our Angels got their beautiful wings on the same day. Now, they hold hands in heaven forever.

    As for the stages of grief, I find myself all over the map. It's all such a mixed bag of emotions, but I do believe with FAITH and the love of our baby lost Mommy FRIENDS we will find our way. We will all know happiness again, but for now we take things minute by minute and love our angels along the way.

    Love to you today and always,

  6. Every day is a roller coaster, not one is the same. The stages of grief suck, I hate that you don't go through them all and magically at the end feel better. I hate that these stages will follow us the rest of our lives. I want an escape from each step, I want to feel normal again, I desperately want my boys back.

    Thinking of you though this next step...*hugs*

  7. Hi Nan,

    I found your blog today on your eight month anniversary since losing your girls. I am so sorry and truly touched by your story. I lost my daughter Hannah on September 21, 2009. I had an infection as well. I am very angry. It seems like everyone else is pregnant. I don't understand why God chose my child. I definately relate to these cycles and range of emotions. Thinking of you today with a heavy heart. God bless you. Hugs. Katy

  8. This was such an eloquent post, Nan. And while my grief seems to have spanned everything but anger, every word you wrote still resonates with me. This week I have been hit especially hard. Heaven knows why. Maybe seeing a new baby (or at least a sac) on the u/s screen... last time I saw a baby there, there were three kicking away before we went into surgery. So sad. One thing I resolve to cherish in the midst of all the pain... is that it is one enduring thing that affirms my babies were here and that I love them. That truth is as enduring as the pain.

    Leona Lewis is singing on your blog as I type, and her words could not be truer from me directly. I (and many others) are here for you every step of the way. I am so sorry it is so hard. Hugs to you. Oh, and we can do balloons or something to remember all six of our babies when we get together in two weeks, if you want. :)