The day before...

Looking at those little footprints makes me go deep in wondrous thought.  Little would-be four year olds dancing around in our back yard, how different would they look from each other since they were fraternal, would they get along most times and be best friends, how much closer they would be in age to their 5 year old cousin and the fun times they would have had.  It’s so sad to have to wonder.  It’s so sad to have to wait to hope to be reunited with them in Heaven one day.  It’s sad to relive those moments of utter despair when you find out your babies are going to have to be born and not live.  Who they hell am I to make that call?  Just sad.  Looking back, nothing would have prepared me for that day.  I thought I would be handling this much better 4 years later, but the truth is, I still relive this hour by hour, I still feel an empty pit in my stomach where they resided for 5 months, I still am crying on and off at work and trying to let no one notice.  12:30pm 4 years ago today, I was sitting on a table waiting for the “big 3 hour ultrasound” so we could find out how well everything was going and maybe learn the genders of our babies.  And then a day later they were gone.  Bitter. Bitter. Bitter.  Once tomorrow comes and goes I will feel lighter, but right now I am heavy and need to embrace the thoughts, the images and the grief.  If you are going through this as well, I know for certain its ok to feel sad 5, 10, 20, 30, 40 or more years down the road, as they are forever our children. Much love, Nan xoxoxo

March is hard

I’m failing with my resolution to blog and reconnect here. I guess I come here when I need to, which feels selfish, because so many who have lifted me up I have always supported in return. I still want to do that but it’s not happening so far!  The more social media outlets you are on, the more you tend to stray or not spend as much time on I guess. At any rate, March is hard. And I’m feeling the need to write with a heavy heart. The past few birthdays I felt like I had a plan, I shared that plan, I carried out that plan. This year, I have a few things jotted down, but nothing concrete and nothing really new. I feel disorganized and disheveled. We were going to go away to an indoor waterpark so Autumn could have some fun and we could be somewhere warm when it’s cold outside, but we had to cancel that plan. Instead we decided that we will go to the place we have been going every year to be away, down the shore. Somehow it calls us, even when it’s cold. I’m grateful for being able to go there, and grateful I am able to spend it with two of the most awesome and important people in my life, looking for signs from our girls.

On another note, since my last post I have been back in therapy and it’s been really helpful. Sometimes you need that other perspective to show you the way you are looking at things and the tools to help you re-direct your thought process to help you cope better. I learned that even though I am trying to live for today and I appreciate every single day, I let a lot of the past into my thought process causing my panic attacks in certain situations. Panic attacks are based on fearing the worst, and my head goes to the absolute worst scenario and fear feeds on it. Sometimes it’s crippling, but most times its “take a pill and function until you have a safe place to be alone and lose it”. I learned that I can see some of the hardest things so so so so clearly and connect the dots like a pro, and other things that are much easier and smaller in comparison, I can’t connect and therefore things blow up from a bread crumb to a loaf. I did not know I was doing that. So that is what I am working on right now, and I’m so glad because I was going nowhere fast. I wish there was a “reset” button on the brain!

I would love to hear ideas of what we should do down the shore, feel free to share! My one thought was doing sand angels, depending on the weather. 

Before we leave for the shore we will drop off our K.leenex donations to the hospital and will continue to hope they do not have to be used as much.  As I was printing out the labels for the tissue boxes I heard the news of another baby gone to Heaven today.  I soooo wish that this did not happen to children, and I will never ever understand it.  It breaks my heart and wish there were more ways to stop it.  The family will find they have a soft place to fall eventually, but I hate that yet another family has to be welcomed here. 

More to follow from this scattered brain of mine...much love, Nan xoxoxo