One week til 5 years

I've been watching the ticker again. Capturing photos of the would be milestones of three little girls prepping for their 5th birthday and wondering how crazy I'd be. Am I ever going to stop doing this? No...even if this blog is gone Ill still make a ticker somewhere or flag myself on some form of media.

I remember when perseverance was trying to get one foot in front of the other, from bed to bathroom or bed to kitchen..."just go easy on yourself". Ha. Easy. Yeah, nothing to it. I know, I know, this sounds like it's going negative, and honestly it could, very easily. Today I chose not to, because someone might be reading a need a lift, might need to hear that you can survive after losing your babies. Key word, survive. Perseverance (& a patient husband, family and friends) pulled me up about 6 months after losing the girls to start my other blog and my longing to try IVF again for an earth baby, but that is another story. It's interesting to see how many things actually pop out at you in life after loss...and why I bring up "perseverance". At work today they hung artwork, standard corporate stuff, but one I am going to see a lot of is the one with the word persevere on it...never mind the rest of the corporate !%+*¥$!, I just needed that ONE WORD to get me through the day, and may help in many other days. May you see your 'signs' when you need them most, and know you aren't alone.

Love, Nan


Edit 2/28/14: Went to work today, saw the sign again...funny thing it actually said "persistence" and not "perseverance"! Crazy what I wanted to see, thought I saw, and actually saw.  My mind is beautifully complicated and amazing for showing me the protections I need when these harder times approach. It reminds me to ride the grief waves as graceful as possible, and allow myself to fall if necessary. 💝

March of Dimes…do or don’t…

This was the year I was finally going to do it.  Walk for the brief lives of my babies and countless others out there.  I don’t know why, but something prompted me to do it.  So I signed up 6 months in advance, prepped myself on what I would be in for, and plastered it on FB.

Unfortunately, I found out that pushing myself made me much more vulnerable again, making wounds on my soul again.  I started feeling pressure, and putting expectations on things that I had no business counting on.  I realized that Mike and I would mostly be alone, walking alone wishing we had more people surrounding us and present in our real life.  But that is not the case, and it’s not fair for me to expect it.

I cancelled it, thankfully way in advance and received a very nice response from the MOD people telling me I wasn’t alone.

Point here is, don’t rush in grief, don’t push on grief.  Even almost 5 years down this road, I have to remind myself of this.  I can build myself up, but the fall is hard.  The highs are high, and the lows are still ever so low.  Don’t rush the grief, it’s going to be waiting for you no matter what.

I am in awe of those mommas and dads that are able to get out there and do this and many other things.  I have thought of SO MUCH to do, but I just can’t do it.  Maybe someday.  Someday.  And for now, I'm ok wih that.

Love, Nan

Screaming Silently

She screams silently inside
Pleasing everyone alive
She weeps for little ones above
And now has trouble showing love
The outside shell is now cracked
Anything that seeps in makes her feel attacked
What does she do to make it through
She keeps on hanging on like glue
One foot in front of the other, so they say
But it's never good enough for them to see her make it through the day
The grieving Mom she cannot hide
So she screams silently inside

~Me