Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Watching the clock

I find myself here almost every month. I cannot stop counting.

12:01 am, the 6th, again. I cannot sleep, so I weep.

I weep for my babies, and for all of the other babies that I wish were here with the parents and families who are missing them.

10 months, really? I have nothing prepared to do. I have no signs I see. I so badly wanted three filled cribs. All of this hurt comes flooding back. Why? To remind me of how bad it hurts? I already live that, it's my reality everyday, especially when I walk past "their" door, next to mine. This day of each month is the hardest, and I need to remind myself that it's ok. It's ok to still grieve, it's ok to feel however I want to feel. I would like to share a post from Lea, which I found perfect rules to live by.

Missing you always baby girls. Maybe in the morning I will be more inspired and refreshed to think of something to do for you on your 10 month angelversary. Love you xo


  1. I just thought about you as it's 1:30 AM here and I realized it was the girls' 10 months. Just thinking of you and sending you my love! Shelby, Lynne, & Megan are so blessed to have you, you who remember them constantly!! God is watching our angel babies play! Hugs Nannie. I hope you know everyday how greatful I am for you!

  2. hugs and love to you Nan....remembering your beautiful girls with you xxxx

  3. Big hugs to you.

    To some extent, I think we will always grieve our babies. And you are exactly right, it is ok to feel however you want to feel for as long as you need to feet that way.

    Sending much love...

  4. Thinking of your sweet girls and their beautiful mama! xxx

  5. Hi Nan !

    Just sending you big hugs as you remember your beautiful girls .Its strange how ones heart can contain grief and happiness side by side ... but thats the way it is and its ok .
    I like Leas post , it speaks straight to my heart .
    Thank you for sharing , love - Angie

  6. I am so sorry. I can't stop counting either. Jenna was born at 12:01 AM on the 5th. I wish so much things had turned out differently for all of us. Praying for you.


  7. It is so sad that you have to live your life in this new way. I pray for your comfort and strength. That was a great post by Lea.

  8. Nan, missing your baby girls with you. Those 'dates' are always harder, aren't they? As if it can getting any harder.


  9. Hugs. The dates, the memories, the moments, the images... it is all so hard.

  10. Remembering your girls today. (((hugs)))

  11. Nan-
    My heart aches at this post- because I remember each 15th in 2003 when I would watch it come- watch it go- I hated that time would go by and he wasn't here- and that number- that day was just so hard- Even now sometimes on the 15ths of the month my mind goes there and it wonders... Wishing you peace!

  12. Missing Shelby, Megan, and Lynne along with you. I don't know if I've ever commented on beautiful their names are. Have you shared how you picked their names? I don't remember if I read that or not.
    The counting makes me crazy, but I do it, too. It's like my life is defined by numbers all the time, especially now.
    Thinking of you and hoping you found a little peace today.

  13. My toe Twin,

    I recently read that we owe it to ourselves to "feel the grief". The heart and soul have to feel their way through this incredibly difficult process. We never forget our babies and thoughts of them turn in our heads always...they always will, as they are forever a part of us.

    Remembering your angels as I remember mine. It's bittersweet to share this day with you and you'll never remember the 6th by yourself.

    Know they are all playing "ring around the roses in Heaven" And, their little halos shine brightly :)

    Love to you today and always,

  14. I have a few dates that are hard to get through, every month. I know how breath taking the pain can be at times. Thinking of you and your sweet baby girls. *hugs*

  15. Just sending you some extra love. As you have said,"it's okay to grieve" so let the tears flow and know that i am here thinking of and praying for you. Hugs and Love

  16. Nan and Lea, I love this post. How do I link it to share with other bereaved mammas? thanks so much for sharing. Thinking about you Nan! Dana