Reliving it, again…

Thankful for the distraction of work, but the minute I am not focused, my thoughts always go back to them.  This week 5 years ago, I was having back labor all week and not aware of it.  For me, it’s always such a suffocating feeling until I actually get to the day that I still can’t believe we endured years ago.  Reliving moments and times is just SO HARD, no matter how much therapy I’ve had, it will never erase what happened, it just helps me cope a little better each year.

We don’t have any huge plans for their 5^th birthday other than going to the same spot of a cold seashore town.  Being near the sea is comforting, even if it is freezing cold…that “Heaven meets Earth” look in the sky makes us feel a little closer to them.  I’ve also ordered a custom sweatshirt with their vitals and footprints that I hope to receive by tomorrow, so hubby and I can wear our together.  We will have to get Autumn one someday, for now, her t-shirt from last year still fits.  I will try and post pics of the shore and hopefully any signs we see.

Cant wait to leave … sigh.

One week til 5 years

I've been watching the ticker again. Capturing photos of the would be milestones of three little girls prepping for their 5th birthday and wondering how crazy I'd be. Am I ever going to stop doing this? No...even if this blog is gone Ill still make a ticker somewhere or flag myself on some form of media.

I remember when perseverance was trying to get one foot in front of the other, from bed to bathroom or bed to kitchen..."just go easy on yourself". Ha. Easy. Yeah, nothing to it. I know, I know, this sounds like it's going negative, and honestly it could, very easily. Today I chose not to, because someone might be reading a need a lift, might need to hear that you can survive after losing your babies. Key word, survive. Perseverance (& a patient husband, family and friends) pulled me up about 6 months after losing the girls to start my other blog and my longing to try IVF again for an earth baby, but that is another story. It's interesting to see how many things actually pop out at you in life after loss...and why I bring up "perseverance". At work today they hung artwork, standard corporate stuff, but one I am going to see a lot of is the one with the word persevere on it...never mind the rest of the corporate !%+*¥$!, I just needed that ONE WORD to get me through the day, and may help in many other days. May you see your 'signs' when you need them most, and know you aren't alone.

Love, Nan


Edit 2/28/14: Went to work today, saw the sign again...funny thing it actually said "persistence" and not "perseverance"! Crazy what I wanted to see, thought I saw, and actually saw.  My mind is beautifully complicated and amazing for showing me the protections I need when these harder times approach. It reminds me to ride the grief waves as graceful as possible, and allow myself to fall if necessary. 💝

March of Dimes…do or don’t…

This was the year I was finally going to do it.  Walk for the brief lives of my babies and countless others out there.  I don’t know why, but something prompted me to do it.  So I signed up 6 months in advance, prepped myself on what I would be in for, and plastered it on FB.

Unfortunately, I found out that pushing myself made me much more vulnerable again, making wounds on my soul again.  I started feeling pressure, and putting expectations on things that I had no business counting on.  I realized that Mike and I would mostly be alone, walking alone wishing we had more people surrounding us and present in our real life.  But that is not the case, and it’s not fair for me to expect it.

I cancelled it, thankfully way in advance and received a very nice response from the MOD people telling me I wasn’t alone.

Point here is, don’t rush in grief, don’t push on grief.  Even almost 5 years down this road, I have to remind myself of this.  I can build myself up, but the fall is hard.  The highs are high, and the lows are still ever so low.  Don’t rush the grief, it’s going to be waiting for you no matter what.

I am in awe of those mommas and dads that are able to get out there and do this and many other things.  I have thought of SO MUCH to do, but I just can’t do it.  Maybe someday.  Someday.  And for now, I'm ok wih that.

Love, Nan

Screaming Silently

She screams silently inside
Pleasing everyone alive
She weeps for little ones above
And now has trouble showing love
The outside shell is now cracked
Anything that seeps in makes her feel attacked
What does she do to make it through
She keeps on hanging on like glue
One foot in front of the other, so they say
But it's never good enough for them to see her make it through the day
The grieving Mom she cannot hide
So she screams silently inside

~Me

Talking differently about hope

A gut-wrenching thing like child loss unites grieving Moms and Dads in a way that is so special and so unique to me, that I can’t even describe it other than these people are my best friends I’ve never met.  They are the first to respond when they see me post something happy somewhere, or even something sad (with a few exceptions).  Everyone’s journey in child loss is different.  Some things that I believe for me, or that I am working through, may not work for others, and vice versa.  But just to have that ear or that outlet with people who understand is so comforting to me, when no other comfort is really out there besides cognitive therapy.  And maybe, just maybe, you are telling someone something they may not have thought of, and its helps them through the day, because honestly this is a highly complicated and horrible deck of cards to be dealt. 

I would like to start sharing a bit of what my last sessions have been like and what I am able to muddle through this “beautiful mess of a life” almost 5 years after losing my babies.  I want to start blogging again, and I hope this is one of many posts that I can come write, because I do know it helps.  I am certainly going to try, and try is all you can do.

Hope.  Hope was a good thing.  Until now, until it pertains to my trio in Heaven.  The word hope has been connected to my babies since October 2008 to the present.  Anytime anyone has said I will have to “let it go” or “get over it”, I knew they meant the whole ordeal, and that, my friends, is UNACCEPTABLE.  However, letting go of hope, as suggested by my therapist, is what I am currently working on, the word hope.  I would never let go of this whole ordeal, ever, because that would mean I was letting go of my babies.  It’s the emotion of hope, not my babies, that keeps me from stepping a few steps forward in the past couple years.  Let me explain.  I have many regrets, and a lot of guilt about those days that I should have done more.  Well, since you can’t turn back time, you have to work on what happened and try to live with it, which has been difficult to share for many reasons.  One thing I will share finally, is that I was unable to look at my children after I gave birth to them, even though I held their sweet precious warm bodies thankfully, I could not look, I could not let go of the hope I had even though I layed there on a hospital bed in shock.  My husband took over that job very humbly and gracefully, and I am forever in awe and grateful to him.  For looking at them passed away would mean that I lost hope and that they were gone forever, and did not want to see them gone, because that would have meant I lost hope.  I have been hanging on to that hope for over 5 years now.  It’s time to work on letting hope go, because I won’t see them again for a very long time, and that is a lot of time to hold onto an emotion.  Besides, they are with me always in my heart, and I will never let them go.

 

Love, Nan