Thursday, January 28, 2010


Hi friends,

Our computer had a virus, so we have been offline for some time. I am now trying to catch up on the many wonderful blogs I follow, and it's taking a good bit of time. I have to admit though, having the break was kind of good for me, as we had some time to re-charge the ol' batteries and do some other things that were being put off. Such as applying the decals on my car that Mike got me for Xmas! We had a semi-warm day (50 and sunny) and decided it was a good day to do you like?!

I also got to hang some ceramic tiles I found while out shopping one day...which pretty much sums up the way I want things to be for my baby girls in the heavenly clouds. God I miss them so much, it still tugs at my heart everyday, and I imagine that is the way it will always be. Anyway, I hung these in our bedroom and when I am sitting upright in my bed they are on the wall right in front of me. Sort of like when I go to sleep and when I wake in the morning, they are the last/first thing I see.

It feels like their 1st Birthday is coming up so quickly. Mike and I are trying to plan for some things to do, probably just between the two of us. I know it will be special, and that I will be trying my best to smile as I know they are smiling down at me. I also know it's important for me to start doing things the minute I start feeling any anxiety about it, as I've posted before.

That's all for now, going to go catch up on reading blogs! Love, Nan xo

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Butterflies in Winter

I wish there were butterflies in Winter, but here is the next best thing!

Hubby was walking through K.ohls the other day and brought me home these butterflies (yes he is as bad as me! anything butterflies!), and they have alligator clips on them so I can hang them on curtains, etc. Does anyone else have any sweet ideas you decorate your house with? I wonder what these clips would look like in my hair?! Well, we will never know, because I need my hair cut (yes, still from January 2009), and I am not showing how horrible it is looking these days! I usually wear it up anyhow :)

I would like to also express my sincere thanks for all of your uplifting and supportive comments from my last post. Obviously I was struggling, and you all came to my rescue, so thank you from the bottom of my heart. Do you still find yourself in the lowest of lows somedays? I find it is the anniversaries that hit me the hardest. I am so glad I found blogger world! Hugs to everyone! Find your butterflies in everything you do xoxoxo

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Watching the clock

I find myself here almost every month. I cannot stop counting.

12:01 am, the 6th, again. I cannot sleep, so I weep.

I weep for my babies, and for all of the other babies that I wish were here with the parents and families who are missing them.

10 months, really? I have nothing prepared to do. I have no signs I see. I so badly wanted three filled cribs. All of this hurt comes flooding back. Why? To remind me of how bad it hurts? I already live that, it's my reality everyday, especially when I walk past "their" door, next to mine. This day of each month is the hardest, and I need to remind myself that it's ok. It's ok to still grieve, it's ok to feel however I want to feel. I would like to share a post from Lea, which I found perfect rules to live by.

Missing you always baby girls. Maybe in the morning I will be more inspired and refreshed to think of something to do for you on your 10 month angelversary. Love you xo