Yes, it's finally 3333 today

I guess this won't happen again for 33 years...lord knows I'll know it then too...love you baby girls, these were planted with much love:) xoxoxo

More of the same, and then some more...

A couple posts back I mentioned I was watching the “ticker” on the side of my screen, waiting for 3y,3m,3w,3d to show up. Then I realized two Fridays ago it turned 3y,3m,3d since it wasn’t a full week into the month just yet (make sense?). I think that’s probably more the reason I was watching so intently, and didn’t realize it until I saw it! So with that on my mind, I decided to go buy three arborvitae bushes for the babies’ garden that I am hoping to plant soon in a new section. I will share pics when I get it done.  It will be nice when we have more privacy to surround the garden and these bushes will help so I am looking forward to it!

In the meantime, life is still a roller coaster, and you never know what kind of week or day you are going to have. I think about my babies all the time. I think about all of you reading all the time.  My heart gets full and my heart gets heavy reading.  I read stories of others who say its ok to have a bad day, even if you have a rainbow baby, but sometimes guilt creeps in. I also read stories of others who say its ok to have a good day, but again, sometimes the guilt creeps in. The questions “why” and “what if” always come up randomly in my head.  This is just how things are, and its seems like you just move into this constant wave motion of back and forth, atleast for me anyhow. 

I stopped seeing my therapist a few months back to see how I would do on my own and try to use the tools she has given me.  I have been seeing her since 3 weeks after I lost my girls.  After almost 3 years, I had started feeling like I was re-hashing feelings over and over and it was just too much on me and I felt I needed a break.  It felt good to recognize that, and it feels good to know I can always go there again if I need the help or need someone unbiased to talk to.  I figured I would just try to write and keep connecting with others, and it has helped. 

I thank each and every one of you who has read my blog and supports me.  I have learned more in 3 years than I think I have learned my entire life.  I am changed.  I am different.  I am rougher around the edges.  I can say "no".  I have more patience and compassion.  I live for today, as you don't know what will happen tomorrow.  I love more intensely.  Take me or leave me, for all that I am now.

Love, Nan xoxoxo

Father's Day 2012

Remembering, celebrating, and honoring ALL Fathers this weekend.  And if they are in need of a private place to put out their thoughts and feelings, they can visit our Forum, please share.  Hugs and Love, Nan xoxoxo



Grab This Button

Bargaining with Yourself

I’ve always tried to tell myself, for every one bad blog post, write one good post. Well, I have read back and the bad posts have started to topple over the good, so now it’s time for a more positive post, maybe a few. But this is how grief over losing a child or children ‘seems’ to work. I don’t claim to know the ins and outs of it all, but there is no straight path, no real balance. Sometimes you have to force the balance, you have to force a good day, etc. Today I find myself frustrated, and for not even a real good reason. So I am taking my lunch hour to sort out the thoughts in my head and force a good thought or two out.

I’ve started to recognize when things are coming to a head (about to burst!) and I can sometimes stop it before I completely blow up. Dare I say, even have a little bit of control. In my last post I said I wanted control. In a way I have it, but not in the sense that I was speaking because I wanted control to have my girls on earth. But to recognize your signs of getting too low and needing to come up for air, is really a feat in my world.

I’m also learning a few new ways to bring the girls’ memory more into our daily lives, like singing with Autumn at night and including their names, we also like to say goodnight to the “Sissies in the Sky”. I love playing in the garden with Autumn and seeing how much she loves to pick their flowers and give them to me.

I have lots of pictures of the garden, here is a link if you would like to see them from first blooms to lots of blooms. I will be updating my other blog soon too with pictures of Autumn playing in it, she does love to go over there and I can’t wait to make it bigger!  There will definitely be a new section before the end of the summer, I really need to move some extra mulch we bought!

Praying you all feel a little peace and have a nice weekend. And if I haven’t commented on your blogs for a while, please know I’m not out of your loop, I still read I’m just not always able to comment, especially from my crappy phone!!!

Love always, Nan xoxoxo

The "Ticker"

Where I am...3,2,4,2, tick tick tick.  Watching that ticker on the side of my blog waiting for it to turn 3,3,3,3.  Why? Why am I doing that?  If you have lost a child or children, don't ever let anyone tell you you should be over it, or that you should be grateful if you do have any living children.  I'm hearing so many insensitive stories of women who have to hear this and other crappy "phrases" that it makes me sick.  Those people have no clue if they have not been through it themselves, and I have no trouble these days dropping an unsupportive person on the drop of a dime.  If you don't know what to say, there are a ton of online resources on what you can say to a grieving parent, even when they are 3,3,3,3 down the road without their children!  Grief changes daily, its all very hard work that was never hard before, struggles beyond control.  God, I wanted control.  Heck, I want control now.  Wish I could write more...but I hope the point is there. Love, Nan xoxoxo