It's coming, I cannot stop it, if I could freeze time I would have frozen it a long time ago.
My baby girls' 1st Heavenly Birthday is coming, my one year without them in my arms. It's all I can think about.
Is it really here? Is it really coming around to being a year apart? Actually it feels more like a lifetime. It's all I can think about right now. I know what to do to 'help' the anxiety and depression, but it just eases the pain, doesn't cure it. I am making a list of things to do, and since I am anxious now, I have started doing those things on the list now. It's the only thing I know how to do, I guess its my way of being a Mom to them still. You know, that Mom I wanted to be so badly that I read, wrote and researched everything for how to handle three babies when they were going to be here on earth with us. Nothing in all of the reading I did prepared me for birthdays without them and I feel so naive about that. But I can tell you it does help to start doing these things now, keeping myself busy, and I am doing fairly well at the moment.
If anyone has any suggestions to add to my list on what they did or what they would do, please feel free to leave a comment. So far, I have the following (and this is just for hubby and I by the way):
1) Fill out birth certificates
2) Bought a new display urn, building a corner shelf to place it in our living room
3) Release 3 pink balloons with a note from Mommy and Daddy
4) Bake a butterfly cake and decorate it for them. (Bought a cute cake pan!)
5) Make butterfly chocolate molds
6) Donate real tissues to the hospital in honor of my babies
7) Light all of the candles I have for them together during the times they were born and passed.
I wish I could add to that list "write their birth story", but I am not sure I will ever write it, well, no more than what I wrote on my first ever post. It is too painful. I often wonder if other BLM's cannot write it on paper either. Just like their pictures, I guess some things I feel are just for Mike and I to have to ourselves. But the issue is that I cannot write it, so I guess I will continue to keep it in my head, locked away safely.
Well I appreciate any input, or even just a hello :) May love and light surround you. Nan xo
3 days ago