Thursday, February 18, 2010

T Minus 16 Days...

It's coming, I cannot stop it, if I could freeze time I would have frozen it a long time ago.

My baby girls' 1st Heavenly Birthday is coming, my one year without them in my arms. It's all I can think about.

Is it really here? Is it really coming around to being a year apart? Actually it feels more like a lifetime. It's all I can think about right now. I know what to do to 'help' the anxiety and depression, but it just eases the pain, doesn't cure it. I am making a list of things to do, and since I am anxious now, I have started doing those things on the list now. It's the only thing I know how to do, I guess its my way of being a Mom to them still. You know, that Mom I wanted to be so badly that I read, wrote and researched everything for how to handle three babies when they were going to be here on earth with us. Nothing in all of the reading I did prepared me for birthdays without them and I feel so naive about that. But I can tell you it does help to start doing these things now, keeping myself busy, and I am doing fairly well at the moment.

If anyone has any suggestions to add to my list on what they did or what they would do, please feel free to leave a comment. So far, I have the following (and this is just for hubby and I by the way):

1) Fill out birth certificates
2) Bought a new display urn, building a corner shelf to place it in our living room
3) Release 3 pink balloons with a note from Mommy and Daddy
4) Bake a butterfly cake and decorate it for them. (Bought a cute cake pan!)
5) Make butterfly chocolate molds
6) Donate real tissues to the hospital in honor of my babies
7) Light all of the candles I have for them together during the times they were born and passed.

I wish I could add to that list "write their birth story", but I am not sure I will ever write it, well, no more than what I wrote on my first ever post. It is too painful. I often wonder if other BLM's cannot write it on paper either. Just like their pictures, I guess some things I feel are just for Mike and I to have to ourselves. But the issue is that I cannot write it, so I guess I will continue to keep it in my head, locked away safely.

Well I appreciate any input, or even just a hello :) May love and light surround you. Nan xo


  1. I've never written a "blow-by-blow" account of George's birth, just let out bits and pieces here and there. But George's picture is on my blog, partly because I love to see his daddy's face in him and also because my little boy gets little enough recognition in the "real" world as it is so his "presence" here is comforting.

    You don't have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable.

    And I'm so sorry that you have to be thinking of this anniversary and not planning a happy birthday party for Shelby, Megan, and Lynne... in a few months time.


  2. I have written out both E & L's birth stories. I have done it for our other 2 children and even though they died, I still wanted to do it for them. I haven't read them since the day I wrote them. They were printed (and also saved) and put in with all of their belongings. I wanted it for me, and I wanted it them so my other children could read them one day. They know as much as they can understand for a 2.5 and 3.5 year old, but as they get older they will know more. I hope letting them read their stories, that they will understand their journey's a bit more. I was also afraid that with time, I would forget precious details, I mean with all the meds I was on, the emotions, and just simply letting my mind block things out. I knew I would forget some. But that was what was right for me, for us. There isn't a right or wrong answer, just do what your heart tells you to do. xo

  3. I can't believe their Heaven Days are so quickly approaching either. Our babies are probably all celebrating together as they celebrate all their Heaven Days.

    It sounds like you've got lots to do, and those are great ways to honor your little girls.

    Thinking of you,

  4. I started on a scrapbook detailing my pregnancy and their births. I'm still not finished but it keeps me busy when I'm struggling. All my love, Steph

  5. Oh Nan, what you have sounds lovely...have you thought about a butterfly release for them?? I have been thinking of it for my girls, but have just started looking into it. I have written our story in my journal that only I read. I have attempted to post the details of that day on my blog, but just can't find the right words. It is so hard to relive it all at once, I think about pieces of it each and everyday, but to think ablut the WHOLE thing at once would break me. As always, thinking of you and your sweet girls, if I can help in any way, please let me know! xx

  6. Sweet Friend,

    EVERYTHING you do in every aspect of your life honors Megan, Shelby and Lynne. You will make Heaven Day special by just being their "Forever Mommy".

    I'm so happy you are making the list and checking it off. I thought of the following...

    *Add (3) special plants or a fountain to "their" garden (the sound soothes me)
    *Find that statue you posted the photo of and add to "their" garden
    *Name "their" garden

    *Nothing more, as you LOVE them...

    As for writing your story, you will do that when the time is right. When you are ready, and if you never do...its alright.

    xoxo HUGS and much love to you always.
    Butterflies Always x3

  7. Sweet Nannie, I think you are amazing, so strong and beautiful and so full of love for your girls. I was reading a new story today on a message thingy and it literally made me weak, as I could feel all of that emotion again, I couldn't write mine then and just pointed them to the blog. It's so hard, so weird that some days you can just talk about it and some days your whole body freezes!! Sending you love and love to your girls!!

  8. Thinking of you as thier birthday's appraoch! I did an event called Christmas with Kasey and we did a silent auction to raise money for CHERUBS and the NICU that Kasey was in. Whatever you decide to do if anything Shelby, Megan, and Lynne know you love them dearly! I wrote Kasey's story for awareness letters, it was really hard and took me a few months to compelete, but I am SO glad I did! As I didnt blog or write anything down while he was in the hospital. I know there are many "small" details that if I would have written it down as it happened wouldn't be left out, but they are...It was very good for me to write it all down and get it on paper. ((hugs))

  9. I wish I had some comforting words for their first birthday in heaven. All I can suggest is be easy on yourself, let your self have your tears for as long as you need.

    It sounds like you are going to make their day so incredibly beautiful.

    Wishing you peace as the day approaches Nan! *hugs*

  10. Nan, you have some wonderful ideas there, and I really like the idea from Andrea above of adding to your garden. I can't even imagine what it must feel like, I am not there yet. I don't know that doing anything will make the pain leave, but knowing that you are honouring them with so much love will make their day so special. It will not be without tears, but I know they will be for the immense love you have for them.

    As for your story, you will feel when the time is right, or maybe you will always keep it in your heart. Each of us is different and we all have our own ways.

    Hugs and love to you :)

  11. I will be thinking of you, Mike, and your girls in the coming days - I like your ideas. For Maya's first birthday I just went to the beach at the time of day she was born and then spent the rest of the day playing her songs, burning her candle, and framing her pictures and placing them around the house. That evening we had dinner with our friends that were there with us through everything. Just do whatever feels right for the both of you.

    I have never told my birth story either - I just don't want to relive it.

    Sending you much love and big hugs

  12. Nan, I had a really hard time writing about the loss of Isaiah. When I joined "Walking With You," it really hit home. Just writing the words out. We went through little bits of the loss at a time. I really liked that, because I got to dig deep into my grief. Which can have it's own healing in a way.

    I always swore to myself that I was only going to share the picture of Isaiah with me holding him. Not one with him alone. I felt like I was protecting him, because I was with him. After months of blogging, I decided to take the step and share him with the world. He was here, and that is the point the I try to make to the world. No matter how small, he was here, and he was and is a part of our family. My husband and I do have pictures that are just for us. Which is special. I'm not saying this to have you share your pictures. Just hoping that it will bring you some comfort, in any way that it can.

    I count you as a dear friend. Never go past your personal boundaries with YOUR daughters. Only share what you feel that you are ready for. We all love you and your beautiful family.

    Lots of love,

  13. Thinking of you and Mike over the coming weeks. Remembering your precious girls, Shelby, Megan and Lynne.

    All the things you have planned sound beautiful.

    I found it very difficult to write the birth story of my girls. I also keep my photographs quite private. Only share what you want to, what you feel comfortable with. Thinking of you and your sweet daughters. xo

  14. Nan,
    Just sending you lots and lots of love. Know that i am thinking of you and your angels.

  15. To my Nanc ...

    I love you and I think you are incredible!


  16. I hope the day will be easy on your heart. I think you have a nice list so far and I can't really think of anything off the top of my head to add to it.