Friday, July 3, 2009

When the bad outweighs the good

I can't remember the last time something good has happened. Maybe I just don't notice much of the good anymore?

I mean, its good that my neighbors keep dropping off our balloon notes that were stuck in their trees (about six so far). It's good I have a close family and that we pick each other up when one is down. It's good we have a roof over our heads and animals to love and care for. Right? Or are these things just the things I am most thankful for? And yes, I am very thankful for the things in my life. But even when I talk to the therapist, about 95% of it is bad stuff that comes spewing out of my mouth.

The one thing I just don't "get", is what happened to our children. I still can't get this question out of my head "why?". I can't stand unanswered questions, but it's one I have to live with everyday, for the rest of my life. It has left me with a sense of 'I really don't care much about anything, anymore', or 'whatever'. Of course I still care about my friends and family and anything important that comes along. But the little things....uh, not so much. I wish people could understand that its not about them when I say 'whatever', its just 'whatever' to anything menial. This is because my children are always on my mind. But it irks me when someone says they have it rough. Do you? Do you REALLY? Please, do tell, but I might not be listening, really.

I suppose this is a phase of grieving, and I really do not like to sound so bitter, but the truth is, most days I am. I miss my girls and its going to be a very long road to healing. As long as no one makes me feel like I should "get over it", then all will be ok. I won't have a good day for a long time, they will be "ok" days. When I have a bad day, it's going to be a really bad day.

Sorry for the rant, just needed to get this off my chest. xo Nan


  1. Oh hun...vent away. I COMPLETELY understand what you are saying. I can't tell you how many times I have said a few choice words to people on the reality tv shows. I remember a few seasons ago of The Biggest Loser when there were a set of brothers on the show. After like 10 weeks one got sent home and the other was CRYING saying how he was so heartbroken to have to continue on in the competition without his brother for the next 3 or 4 weeks. Okay...seriously tell me how that qualifies for tears. I HATE too that people just think life is so tough because of this or that. However, it will never end. Luckily for them, most people have no idea what so ever what it feels like to wear our shoes....just like you and I had no idea prior to our loss. I wrote once in my blog that before my loss it NEVER ever crossed my mind about how many families are broken because of infant not a day goes by that I don't think about it. I know probably right now as I type some parents are new to the same hell we have been enduring. So, my loss, your loss and their loss has taught us compassion beyond comprehension. Nobody can understand unless they too have felt this neverending ache and longing for our children. Please let me know if I can do anything for you. I am here...okay???

  2. Hey and if you ever want to get away and have a vacation out in house is always open.

  3. I understand what you are saying. Today at lunch there was a girl, probably 19ish and she was pregnant. I thought: why does she get to have her baby, and I don't get to have mine? She was probably horrified when she found out she was pregnant and I was overjoyed...Why does it have to be this way? Then I always try to remember that she doesn't have her baby yet, something, anything can still happen, but still...Why???

    And sometimes I wonder if I will ever be able to catch a break. With all that has gone wrong in my life the past 2+ months, can't something just go my way...please??? It is really hard to deal with sometimes.

    And when someone asks me how I am, do they really want to know? Do they want to know that my life sucks right now, or do they want to just here me say I am fine, because I am not fine! It is so wrong that we have to live our lives like this and I am sorry for us, for all of us.
    Thinking of you Nan,

  4. Hey Nan - You are not alone. I'm sorry you feel this way, but from what I know it's normal. You are probably sick of hearing that, but it helps me in knowing that my feelings are "normal" for what we are dealing with. I'm not in anyway healed from this, and from what I hear, we'll never fully be, but it does get better.

    Who knows "Why" this happened. We may never know, but all I can tell you is that it will be OK. Work will get easier, life will get easier, and you will get your mind back. Mine still drifts often, thinking of my babies, or tying to remember some tiny detail about them, but overall, I feel more focused now.

    It gives me peacing in knowing that our babies are all together in heaven having the best time. I know they are friends! I'm so sorry you are stuck in this rut, but time will heal...


  5. Oh, Nan. I know exactly how you feel. I hate the fact that I feel so bitter. I am typically a super emotional person-people tease me for crying at everything. Now, I cry only alone or with my husband, and it's very intense. Instead, I feel defiant and angry-for example, I went to see the movie My Sister's Keeper where the daughter has leukemia. All I kept thinking was, at least you got 16 years with your daughter. This is HORRIBLE-it makes me feel like a monster. Of course I would never dream of saying it's "better" to have a child with a fatal illness, just because they lived at all. Of course not! I don't believe that for a second! But my brain spews it out. I could never admit that to anyone except my ladies on here! I feel like I am hardened to the core sometimes. People around me were literally sobbing and I just sat there, dry eyed. Peace to you, my friend.