Xmas 2011 - Our triplets stocking additions

The pictures don't really doesn't do these justice. It's a gold-ish color with three swavorski (sp?) color crystals in the center, three in one package at the craft store jewelry making section. I wandered for about 20 minutes and it finally popped out at me, I cannot tell you how much I LOVE THAT, when it happens :) So I sewed them on to the stockings over the weekend and I'm missing my sweet girls like crazy. Much love goes out to all of you reading this, no matter what your situation is, I hope you feel embraced by this lovely community of women and men, and that the Holidays are gentle on you. Our babies in Heaven are always in our hearts. xxxooo Nan

The 6th, Again

It's the 6th again, and only 4 months until their 3rd Birthday. It's also time to think about what we will add to our sweet angels' stockings for their 3rd Xmas in Heaven this year. Hmmm...something always pops out at me, so we shall see what it will be this year.

It helps to have started a tradition that involves including the babies every year, and this is something we can do forever :)

Big hugs to those that are struggling, especially this time of year. Much love, Nan

25 Days of Giveaways

I am terrible with adding blog buttons so I am just creating a link here.

Please visit Tina's amazing blog during the month of December for the amazing project she put together again this year ...love to you Tina :) Thanks for all you do!

xxxooo

3 negatives make 1 positive

I could continue to write on and on about the darker side of things, but I always bargained with myself that if I get too dark, that I would surface to the lighter side of life and focus on the positive. So maybe sometimes you need that time and space to go 'there' so you can see the light again.

I woke to what I think is the last flower in the babies garden and also that their tree is winterizing herself. It's always so beautiful to me and reminds me to think of the good things again.
xoxoxo

Thanks for the lift…

Thanks for your comments on my last post sweet friends. It helped to know I wasn’t alone, although I always wish no one else felt like me. But seriously, reaching out just made me feel better, even if it’s a little bit.

Sometimes you have to go fishing, (no not in the great outdoors!) fishing for answers. My last post was to say to my friends in blogosphere that “Hey, I’m struggling, are you struggling too? What do you do to get through it even this far down the road, or are you flopping and flailing like a fish out of water like me too?”

When I talk about my psychologist and what she helps me to see and realize, I want to share it to see if it will help you too. I realize this may not be for everyone, but for myself, there have been a couple of real eye opening sessions. I’ve been battling depression since I was about 21 or so, I am now 36, and didn’t start seeing a psychologist until one month after I lost my baby girls. I have been on and off medications to help, and they usually get me through. I usually know when I am starting another round of depression requiring meds. For instance, lately all it takes is a little trigger and I can drop to my knees and sob, or tears to start streaming with a mere thought of the words “depression” “pressure” or “bitterness”, especially when they are brought up in the psychologists office, and sometimes sitting at my desk at work. Thankfully there is no shortage of tissues at either place, and I don’t care what other people think when it happens. But my point is, when you think you may need help or aren’t sure if you need help, chances are you may. That is not to say you have to go on medication right this instant, but it’s important to talk to a doctor you trust, even if it’s your PCP.

I gotta tell ya, I’m terrified of taking Autumn to the doctors when she is sick, I get panic attacks and super nervous, want to throw up, the whole nine. But it’s a fear of me setting things up to fail as I said in my last post, thinking the doctor will say “She has to go to the hospital for further tests” and then the fear that she will get wheeled away or something, and then the roller coaster starts. But nothing happens; she is completely fine and just needs an antibiotic for an ear infection or just to be watched for a common cold, etc, and we go home thankfully. Those awful thoughts get in my head and I can’t stop it some days. So when I say my brain needs to be re-trained, I think you may understand why now. I apply that train of thought to many things, not just Autumn’s doctor visit. Not good.

Also, if you have other difficult things going on in your life, it just contributes to the grief and depression of losing your child and/or children. I guess I will just bare my soul even more, but what has been the topper for me lately is the realization of not trying to have biological children anymore, it’s over, and I’m slowly accepting it. I just really wanted to try to have an earthly sibling for Autumn to play with so she could grow up like we did, is that selfish? I think not. Mike and I just have every odd against us at this point and I don’t even think I could mentally or physically wrap my head around another IVF cycle (let alone afford it) which isn’t a guaranteed baby anyhow, or even go through a pregnancy full of surgeries and trauma or possible loss. None of our IVF embies ever froze, so there is no chance of a future FET. I am now on BC pills for endometriosis which they aren’t sure how invasive it is, but who knows with all of the things my body has been through, but it’s been painful so I assume the worst (like always). My hubby has had two work accidents in the past 6 years (one near fatal) which thankfully he is ok but he has been out of work for quite some time (not by his choice). The one good thing I find out of that is that he is home with Autumn. Who knows, maybe if we can get our personal life together again we could even talk about adoption, it’s not out of the picture, but we are nowhere near stable enough at this point. There is much more, but I digress. I love having my rainbow most of all and am forever grateful for her making it to be with us on earth. I guess I’m just looking for some hope, some positivity in my negative mind, trying to swim to the surface before I feel like I’m drowning again. I know someday my attitude could affect Autumn and I have to keep trying to fix myself for her most of all.

So how do you will yourself forward when you are stuck in a rut? Blog, reach out to one of us, see a doc, get meds, go fishing, do whatever you have to do I suppose to keep moving forward. I feel better when I blog, time doesn’t allow much of it, but I’m trying. Tell me what you do to feel better…I love to hear suggestions.

Thinking of you all, sending much love back to you for your support and unconditional love xxxooo Nan

Twisted

Its official, my train of thought definitely has to be re-trained. While working with my therapist, she finally said to me that the things I say are self-sabotaging, and that I twist good things into bad things. I automatically think things are going to fail, even if they don't. That's a lot of what I've been doing these past 2 plus years, assuming the worst, and reliving the past. It was a big realization to make, one that I've told myself I need to work on and make things better, if not for me, then for my family on earth. I need to try and stop being so bitter about all of the circumstances beyond my control that have happened. How do you do that though? I will let you know if I figure it out. Sad, I never was like this, ever.

Styx, Stickers, Bubba, Bubbahead

My sweet kitty of 15 and a half long loyal years passed away last night of old age. He has always been such a comfort to me through all of the good and bad times in my life, especially laying with me for days on end against my belly when I lost my baby girls and felt like a hollow shell inside. I didn't think I'd be a blubbery mess like I am, as these past few days it was expected and I just felt numb. I had a huge attachment to him, and he was a good little fur baby, and I will never forget him and miss him forever. Hopefully he's gone on to play with my babies in Heaven. We will bury him close to the babies' garden today. Love you snuggle buddy, thanks for the wonderful memories.

~May 15, 1996 to October 18, 2011~

Wave of Light 2011 - Remembrance Photos

Click here for more photos

Was thinking of everyone xxxooo

Thoughts of tomorrow…

They feel heavier. Should they be lighter? We all know there isn’t a book to follow. I read an article that said losing a child(ren) is a life sentence, how very true this feels to me right now. I just needed to get this out in a short manner as time doesn't allow much for blogging these days, but the pressure cooker feels like it’s about to burst again. I know once I get to 7PM tomorrow I will feel lighter. Even though we are all united in spirit all the time, it just feels nice to have that specific time, that dedication to possibly looking at the same bright star in the sky together. It reminds me of Fievel the Mouse from An American Tail movie…and that darn sappy song that gets me every time [insert tears here].

Love, Nan xoxoxo

Two and a Half Years...

I've been holding my breath for a few weeks, and now I know why. Thankfully I have a therapy appointment tonight to help me work through this a little more. If you've never gone, I really suggest going one time, just to see what it's like and if it's for you. I don't know where I would be without it, literally. Thats all I can really say for now.

Love to you in the clouds my sweet baby girls.

xoxoxo

I forgot

This month was the first month in 2 years, 4 months that I missed acknowledging the "6th" of every month. To a normal person that may seem, well, normal. But to me it just feels like I failed a bit. But I don't feel raw, I don't feel cut, I just feel sad about it, and needed to go to the place that understands it, here. Strangely enough, on that day, I was pulling weeds in the babies' garden and tidying it up with some pruning shears and it just hadn't crossed my mind. So I guess, in my own way, my girls are incorporated in daily life without having to have that date attached to them all the time. Maybe when you get to a certain part of this roller coaster ride it all starts to blend together? Hopefully all in a good way.

I miss them, so much, and am grateful for people in my life that allow me to be who I need to be, and also for people who look for things in "3's" for me :)

Love, Nan xoxoxo

If you want to see garden progress this year, its wonderful, click here!

Happy 2nd Birthday sweet girls

Hi beautiful babies of ours,

We have been thinking of you constantly and trying to stay focused on hoping you are playing in clouds with your family and angel friends. Thank you for showing us what true love is and for all of the blessings we try to live for everyday. Thank you also for the three ships, three seagulls, three bumblebees, three windsailing kites and the beautiful scenery you painted in the sky.

We love you more than words could possibly express,

Love, Daddy, Mommy, S & Autumn xxxooo

~~Attempting to Embrace it, Again~~

Loved with a love beyond all feeling,
Missed with a grief beyond all tears


Missing you tons baby girls, I love you.

Bottled Up

We are rounding the corner to our triplet's 2nd Birthday/Angelversary. I am taking the time to write this post no matter how it comes out or sounds, because I just HAVE TO.

I don't know exactly if I can pinpoint that anticipating another 'date" is making me crazy this past month or two. Or could it be that my outlet of blogging and getting my thoughts out in writing has been lacking for 4 months now. Either way, I can honestly say that no matter what has happened since we lost the girls, I still go through all of the typical phases of grief. For me, sometimes I find myself thinking that "you should be better by now, or should not be going through grief phases, especially with the positive things that have happened to you since then". What I do know and what I have learned, is that this is forever. I can't believe how many people feed me the line "you should be happy now" crap, there is no need to tell me that. Do you want to know how many times I got asked why I have 7 stockings hanging up for Xmas? Duh!

I have alot of things that have been bothering me for a while now, and keeping it bottled up. Not a good thing to do, now I know.

Now that I can recognize what I'm going through, I want to TALK about it, I want to TALK about my girls and celebrate their brief beatiful lives and what they have taught me. But I find that many people IRL (not all, but alot) shy away from me when I want to talk about it, they change the subject or walk away. Really? Seriously, do they even know what I've really been through in the last 6 years alone (yes, they do)? Enough for two lifetimes or more. I left my psychologist appointment last Monday in sobbing tears, the flood gates opened as I realized I really haven't been facing or embracing my thoughts or feelings. I drove to my Moms who thankfully lives 5 minutes away from there and just fell apart on the floor, literally. Then the next day I got super angry, and was angry for about a week which actually affected my work and someone thought I threw them under the proverbial bus. Which, by the way is something I would never ever do. Now I'm in a lull, which is what I think is depression...and I'm on medication now for depression, so what the heck? Phases, ugh.

Grief seems to always win until you recognize the phase you are in. If you cannot outlet your grief somehow, well, atleast for me, I know it will come out in some other way. When I wasn't facing it, I started dreaming and having nightmares...dreaming horrible horrible dreams, and I am still having a few, but they are not as bad. I dream of people being possessed by demons and I have to shake the crap out of them to snap out of it...can you guess what that one means? Yep, I'm asking people to wake the frig up and just listen! You don't have to reply, just listen!!!!!!!!!!!!! There were many other horrible dreams, but most I'd rather keep to myself.

I've been away from blogging for so long now. Partially because I start to write and have to erase it all because my thoughts overwhelm me, and I worry about what others think too much. I know this place is my story to write and etc etc, but I also worry about offending others who read here. I always want to be sensitive to readers who have been through loss, so I try not to bring up Autumn, but she comes up in everything I do. She is forever a little sister on earth to my triplets in Heaven, so how could I leave her out? So if I mention her, please know my intent is not to upset anyone. I will always try to just mention her on our other blog. Sometimes I feel guilty having any of these thoughts in my head when I have Autumn and feel I should just shut up. It's all very conflicting.

I read everyone's blogs every week or so as to keep up, so please know even though I don't comment, I am still thinking of you, wondering, praying, hoping all is as well as it can be.
A good friend texted me and said it best how I've been feeling lately: "It seems like no matter how good you are, it's never great because they aren't here".

I hope I'm off my soapbox for now, I just really needed to vent. Maybe someone out there is feeling the same way I am and if so I hope this brought some comfort to you to know you aren't alone.

We are planning a trip to the beach over the triplets' birthday, and even though it will be cold there, I just felt like we needed some "us" time, to just "be". I think we might light some fireworks and if the weather cooperates we might take lots of beach walks and sit on the jettys. Keeping it simple this year but I know I need to be away from here.

Think Spring.

Much love xxxooo