Saturday, May 30, 2009

Almost lost my way

Grief is a B%$#@!

One day your fine, the next day, a wreck. One week your fine, the next week, a wreck. Up and down and feeling nutso, what feels like forever. Why can't there just be a period where you grieve and then be able to deal from then on? Apparently, "it doesn't work that way", says the therapist. Who made up that rule? I have a bone to pick with them whoever it is.

I had moved our balloon release for the girls from last weekend to June 6th, and I AM keeping it that date now. A few days ago, I wasn't so sure, and almost lost my way. I had managed to turn my beautiful picture of the celebration of their lives, into a tearful goodbye, in a matter of days, and I fell apart. What was I thinking? My initial purpose for doing this, was to send messages to my beautiful babies, and NEVER EVER say goodbye. Your thoughts can drive you crazy and make you twist things around way too easily while going through a horrific loss.

So, if you are reading this, and are going through the same thing, I am sorry and I know how you feel. It helped to write the thoughts down, ask opinions on a grief forum, and talk with the therapist or whoever will listen.

What I now know:

1) You can turn negative thoughts back into positive thoughts with the right tools, seek help.
2) Don't go through this alone, you are not alone, even if you feel that way.
3) You will find comfort in doing things to remember your angels, even if they are small things.
4) (From Jessica) Treat yourself as you would treat a best friend who had just gone through what you had, and give yourself some slack. Go easy on the expectations you set for yourself.

There are more, but I think you get the idea. It's easy to get lost, but there is always hope that you will be found again. This isn't to say that I know everything about gief, however, slowly but surely I am learning my way through the quick turns it can take. I want to share my experience in hope it helps someone, somewhere, to recognize the steps they may be going through, cause it just plain sucks.

I miss my baby girls everyday...I'm off to the garden to be in their presence now :)

Love, Nan

1 comment:

  1. I wish neither one of us had to find our way through this awful grieving process but am so glad to be able to help you a little along the way. You are amazingly strong!!