EDD Rememberence 7-24-09

Today was very therapeutic and healing. A big surprise to me considering the days leading up to it were extremely hard. It helped to have things planned and have a purpose. We first started with going to our favorite park and re-releasing the balloon notes that were returned to us. The sky had been cloudy and dark and by the time we got to the park the sun started coming through and it was perfect! Lots of sun rays beaming from the Heavens. Sign number 1?

We then headed to a local garden nursery to find a new flowering plant for the babies garden. Well, they had alot of beautiful perennials and they were on sale THREE for $20, so ofcourse we have to get THREE! Sign number 2?

When we were getting ready to purchase the plants, a garden flag caught my eye. I couldn't believe what I saw, I was dumbfounded! THREE little butterflies, THREE little flowers and a saying "Look for the small miracles". So, ofcourse I HAD to buy it. Sign number 3?

And finally, after a relaxing afternoon snuggling with hubby, a storm rolled through very briefly and left a rainbow for us to watch and a brilliant sunset. Do rainbows mean new beginnings? Was this rainbow sent to us from our girls? Sign number 4? I hope they see rainbows and sunsets every night. I hope they know how much we love them and think of them everyday. No matter how brief we held them, I want to honor their lives forever. Their perfect little toes, fingers and noses.

If I can offer a small bit of advice to a grieving parent, and I am only speaking from my own experience, if you find it difficult on the days leading up to a birthday, angelversary, due date, etc., try doing the things to honor them on those hard days. I waited until today to do the things we wanted to do, but I felt so good doing these things and actually had a nice day. I honestly was miserable anticipating this day, and here I am feeling pretty good. I wish I had started earlier this week!

Night, Nan xo

For more pics of today, click here:

http://picasaweb.google.com/nancywithtriplets/EDDRememberenceDay72409#

A Gift of Butterflies

I woke up this morning to this present from Bree, they are so pretty (thanks!). She is so kind to do something for us, especially with tomorrow approaching it really helped me to see positively again, if only for a few hours (better than none)! She is one of the few lovely ladies I have "met" (strange, it feels like we all know eachother and we have never met!) who are emerging and doing wonderful things for babylost parents, and I can only hope I can someday do something also when I am ready. Hugs to you Bree, thanks! xo Nan

Special Delivery from Rachel

Hey everyone,

I recently received a package from my friend Rachel (see her loss support site and story here), who sends the cutest printed wraps, knit caps and birth announcement cards to hospitals as donations to give to recent babylost parents. She also adds a poem in the sachel bag, and on the other side of the poem she honors her triplet angels names and places a card with her site listed on it. She had asked if anyone wanted to have any of these that she had made up already so that we could deliver them to our local hospitals, and she sent them to me not asking for anything from me. How sweet is that? They are absolutely beautiful and are made with such love. My plan is to try to deliver them on my EDD this Friday, but I think it is going to be too hard. Thankfully my sister in law works at this hospital so if I cannot do it, then I can give them to her. Just thinking about seeing the area of the hospital we went through so much pain at gives me anxiety. I won't push myself though.

Below are some pictures of the cute little package Rachel puts together. It is so important to get the word out to people that help is out there. Her strength amazes me, and I look up to her so much for what she does, and it's alot! Take some time to visit her site and see all of the things she does to help. Someday I hope to be able to do atleast an ounce of what she does, she is my inspiration and such a sweet soul.

Love, Nan xo

Garden Addition 7-15-09

Hello everyone,

I came home from work today to a UPS box filled with a special gift. It is a beautiful memorial stone from my dear friend Sue W. She had emailed me to tell me something was coming, and I told her she was crazy I do not need anything, just her friendship :) Her strength amazes me, you see, because she very recently lost her Mom, and even through her grief, she chose to do something for us. How huge of a heart does she have?! I am grateful for you Sue and I am very lucky to be able to call you my friend. Everyone please keep her in your prayers for her heart to heal. Most of us here have lost children, but it also hurts for a child to lose their Mom. Love Nan

Garden Progress 7-11-09

Time to write a happier blog to balance out the mood here! It's been a rough week, but all in all, I survived, as I seem to always do. I've been working in the yard and the girls' garden a little today, and gave the puppy dogs a bath (they smell nice YAY!).

We still have alot to do in the secondary garden that is the backdrop for the baby steps garden, like weed, plant a few more flowers, weed screen and mulch. The clematis has alot of growing to do to cover the fence, I can't wait til' it leaps, but I don't think it will be this year. After I am finished with that part of the garden, I plan on making another half moon on the other side of the tree.

This is from my best childhood friend Aimee, she calls it a butterfly bath, not a bird bath. When the butterflies finally come to our garden they can take a drink from it! She told me to add some sand and water, I love it (thanks Aim!):

I forget what this is called, but it is soooo soft, like a baby's blanket, so I added it to the garden today:

I added some daises today:

This is the black knight butterfly bush - it's starting to get some purple buds on it finally:

For some other pics of the garden, you can visit: http://picasaweb.google.com/nancywithtriplets/BabySGardenProgress71109#

Hope everyone is trying to enjoy the weekend and getting some sunshine. If not, I'm sending some your way. Love, Nan xo

4 month angelversary

Will I ever stop counting these dates in my head? Four months already have passed and it makes me think, 'was I even close to having babies that would have lived?'. Four months ago I was 20 weeks *sigh*. Four months ago I was happy, until labor started. Four months ago we were getting excited to find our the genders of our precious angels. When do the thoughts stop? I suppose never.

Also, EDD of a forty week term is coming on July 24th, one I would have never made even with a successful pregnancy, but it sticks in our heads like glue.

I know alot of you are going through what I am, and I understand your pain and am sorry you have to feel this hurt. I pray for all of our hearts to be a little less heavy someday. I want to get to the point of integrating our babies lives into our everyday life without the sadness of it all. I want to feel happy when I think of them. For the most part I do, but not always. Keep doing things to remember your angels and writing your thoughts down so they do not get stuck in your head all day.

Love you baby girls, forever your Mommy xo

Trying for a better day

The sun is shining, family and friends on their way over to have a nice BBQ for the 4th and I am trying to have a better day today.

Thank you for those of you who commented on my last post, I was in need of knowing that I wasn't alone in my feelings, and you helped :) It's helpful that people understand the roller coaster ride. I guess I just needed to voice my hurt that this is not "over", and will only get easier with time. These beautiful girls are in my heart and mind forever. And Rachel, you better believe I'm taking you up on visiting if I'm ever out there - thanks!!

As soon as the garden gets some blooms I will be posting pics, it looks so nice in the sunshine right now!

Happy 4th everyone, hope you enjoy your day. xo Nan

When the bad outweighs the good

I can't remember the last time something good has happened. Maybe I just don't notice much of the good anymore?

I mean, its good that my neighbors keep dropping off our balloon notes that were stuck in their trees (about six so far). It's good I have a close family and that we pick each other up when one is down. It's good we have a roof over our heads and animals to love and care for. Right? Or are these things just the things I am most thankful for? And yes, I am very thankful for the things in my life. But even when I talk to the therapist, about 95% of it is bad stuff that comes spewing out of my mouth.

The one thing I just don't "get", is what happened to our children. I still can't get this question out of my head "why?". I can't stand unanswered questions, but it's one I have to live with everyday, for the rest of my life. It has left me with a sense of 'I really don't care much about anything, anymore', or 'whatever'. Of course I still care about my friends and family and anything important that comes along. But the little things....uh, not so much. I wish people could understand that its not about them when I say 'whatever', its just 'whatever' to anything menial. This is because my children are always on my mind. But it irks me when someone says they have it rough. Do you? Do you REALLY? Please, do tell, but I might not be listening, really.

I suppose this is a phase of grieving, and I really do not like to sound so bitter, but the truth is, most days I am. I miss my girls and its going to be a very long road to healing. As long as no one makes me feel like I should "get over it", then all will be ok. I won't have a good day for a long time, they will be "ok" days. When I have a bad day, it's going to be a really bad day.

Sorry for the rant, just needed to get this off my chest. xo Nan