Garden Progress

Had alot of fun in the garden yesterday! Here are some pics, and also, here is a link if you want to see more: http://picasaweb.google.com/nancywithtriplets
I have become picture crazy! The program that I use is awesome for sharing pics, and its easy to use. I had created it originally to share pics of our pregnancy progress, ultrasounds and belly shots :( But, atleast I can still use it to share our journey to healing :)

Almost lost my way

Grief is a B%$#@!

One day your fine, the next day, a wreck. One week your fine, the next week, a wreck. Up and down and feeling nutso, what feels like forever. Why can't there just be a period where you grieve and then be able to deal from then on? Apparently, "it doesn't work that way", says the therapist. Who made up that rule? I have a bone to pick with them whoever it is.

I had moved our balloon release for the girls from last weekend to June 6th, and I AM keeping it that date now. A few days ago, I wasn't so sure, and almost lost my way. I had managed to turn my beautiful picture of the celebration of their lives, into a tearful goodbye, in a matter of days, and I fell apart. What was I thinking? My initial purpose for doing this, was to send messages to my beautiful babies, and NEVER EVER say goodbye. Your thoughts can drive you crazy and make you twist things around way too easily while going through a horrific loss.

So, if you are reading this, and are going through the same thing, I am sorry and I know how you feel. It helped to write the thoughts down, ask opinions on a grief forum, and talk with the therapist or whoever will listen.

What I now know:

1) You can turn negative thoughts back into positive thoughts with the right tools, seek help.
2) Don't go through this alone, you are not alone, even if you feel that way.
3) You will find comfort in doing things to remember your angels, even if they are small things.
4) (From Jessica) Treat yourself as you would treat a best friend who had just gone through what you had, and give yourself some slack. Go easy on the expectations you set for yourself.

There are more, but I think you get the idea. It's easy to get lost, but there is always hope that you will be found again. This isn't to say that I know everything about gief, however, slowly but surely I am learning my way through the quick turns it can take. I want to share my experience in hope it helps someone, somewhere, to recognize the steps they may be going through, cause it just plain sucks.

I miss my baby girls everyday...I'm off to the garden to be in their presence now :)

Love, Nan

Just some pics...

Slowly but surely we are getting the girls' garden together. I keep adding to it though, I don't think I want to stop working. If our angels were here I would have been non-stop, and I think I was preparing myself for that, and want to keep working towards something. *sigh* Next thing we have to do is place weed screening down and then mulch. Just wanted to share some pics of what we've been doing, hope you like: (I had a slide show up - but it didnt look that good - so here are the pics again)

Updates...

BABY STEPS GARDEN: The plants I ordered arrived today. I am trying to figure out how I am going to plant them since we have now measured an area against the fence. I have not dug up any grass over there yet! So, I have a good project ahead of me :) I am tired today, but I will probably start working on it. The plants arrived so tiny and some are bulbs, so its going to take a while for them to flourish, but gonna be so worth the wait.

HOME LIFE: Hubby is away on a job, and he is only going to be home on weekends. It will probably be like that for about a month. I miss him not being here and am having a 50/50 time with it. It is the first time he has been away overnight since the girls were born, and its hard being alone. I seem to have alot of company stopping over and alot of help from our neighbors (good friends!) which is so welcome. My older dog is good, my puppy is BAD BAD BAD! Grrr.....

BALLOON RELEASE: We were going to have the balloon release/picnic this weekend but I started stressing about it, so we decided to move it to June 6th. I like that date better because it will be the babies' three month angelversary...it's just that I think it will be something more significant to us.

RANDOM THOUGHTS: I still want to go in the nursery and see our beautiful girls be there. I don't want to go to work. I think I'm in a funk. I think I'll pull through. Life sucks. Life is ok. Glad I have Mike and friends and family. Still angry at Him. I'm a Mom no matter what. I wanted Danny Gokey to win American Idol, darn it. I'm a weirdo, I know!

Will update next post with pics of the garden.

Love to all. Nan xo

Got my bracelet!!

Well it was another teary day in the Reiber household, part sad part happy. But all is well. My bracelet is beautiful and makes the most wonderful sound when the charms move. I tried to take some pictures but my camera is acting up.....the good news is that my dear new friend Sue sent me pictures of it, better than I could have taken!

Garden... & neighbors new fence

Hey everybody,

The neighbors told us they were installing a fence ("nothing personal"). They have a grumpy old dog that barks at everything he sees, including the air around him. Anyway...although it's a nice fence, the chain link fence was left up with it and they put the ugly side facing us (backside of the fence with posts), and I don't like the way it looks in the background of the babies' garden. So, I wanted to ask for suggestions on what to plant to take over the fence, something that grows fast with little maintenance, if possible. I heard honeysuckle was good, but it attracts alot of bees/bugs. Any thoughts? I'm still waiting for the garden plants I ordered, two of them are a jackmani clematis (http://springhillnursery.com/jackmanii-climbing-clematis/p/17004/), which might help a little. The girls' tree is so pretty!!! Love, Nan

Pray for Kayleigh in Heaven

This hit close to home for me, our babies were close to a pound and Ive been following Kayleigh's story. It's just remarkable how strong this little one was and how loved she is, but so sad she did not make it. Bless her family and send her prayers. Just tears...
http://kayleighannefreeman.blogspot.com/

Importance of Family and Friends

No matter what the situation is, to be recognized as a Mother, is priceless. On Mother's Day morning, we went to my Mom's house for breakfast, and I was greeted by everyone saying Happy Mother's Day and giving me flowers and cards. It was so welcomed after all we had been through. I was actually (dare I say) happy. I was just happy to be around everyone finally. It has been (I think) since Xmas that our family (well, my side, which is about 17 people including nieces and nephews) has come together all in one place. When we had the babies, everyone was coming and going, never together. So I was happy. Happy that I could be around all the kids and be ok with them. I missed them.

I am so glad I have my Mom too, she is the reason I want children of our own, to raise them the way I was raised, happy. She is a blessing and I thank my lucky stars everyday that I have her.

The two nurses I mention in the birth story are my sister Lynne, and sister in law Barbara (hence, baby girl C became Lynne Barbara!!!). They are amazing women and I received a beautiful necklace from both of their families yesterday. They said it is three tear drops, one for each baby girl, and they are my tears, so no more crying, its in the necklace! Well, ofcourse more tears came, so thats not gonna happen! But it meant alot to me. I have never had this much jewelry in my life, and now I get to wear all of it to remember my babies. Plus I have my bracelet coming! I am a lucky girl, and I am happy.

Thank you everyone for your continued support to Mike and I.. I love my family and friends for helping us get by everyday.

Love, Nan xo

Hubby is the BEST!!!

Mike could tell that I have been struggling this weekend. He decided to give me my Mother's Day present tonight, I think because he knows I would be a crying mess (which I was)! I told him the bracelet was going to his present to me, but he wanted to do something himself. He has always told me my Mother's ring would have the babies birthstones. I have failed to mention, and I feel terrible about it, that I do have a stepson Scotty who is 13 years old. It's not that I do not love him, we just don't get to see him alot and I feel as though I have not had alot to do with raising him. I do love him dearly though, he is a sweet kid and brought me flowers! So, a few years ago, Mike bought me a Mother's ring with our birthstones (Mike, me and Scotty) and always said he would add the babies when they were born. And so he kept his promise. I love you honey, always and forever. xoxo

In honor of all Moms

To all Mom's, heavenly and earthly or both, Happy Mother's Day.

I went with my Mom to the cemetary today to visit my Grandmom, and the minute we drove in, I started bawling. All I could think about is that I hope my Grandmom is with my precious babies and watching over them. It's so hard to not think of what could have been. I know I am a Mom, but it makes it really hard to accept it when your children are in Heaven. If I could trade places with them, I would, in a heartbeat. This is, by far, the most difficult thing I have ever had to endure in my 34 years. I am getting by, but I can't help but think that no matter how many things we do to honor the girls, it will never bring them back. I wish there was a way. So to try and bring some peace and comfort to myself, I can only hope that our babies are being cared for by our lost loved ones above. I pray. I miss my baby girls sooo much.

Our turtle with the lighted butterfly is now in the garden. He looks adorable. I took a picture but the light is too low, with the nighttime...here it is but I don't know if you can see it, you can click on the pictures and it should show them full size:



My bracelet is being made with lots of love fom my special new friend in Australia, she is waiting until Mother's Day (our time, EST) to put the footprints in their frames. How sweet is that?! Another sobbing mess I am! I will post the pictures of the bracelet when I get it. Oh, I am going to be a blubbering mess tomorrow. My tears are my reminders of being a Mom. *sigh*

Love to all, Nan xo

2 Month Angelversary

Dear baby girls,

Just thinking alot about you today, I can't believe it's been two months since you were born. If you can see me or hear me I am with you always and trying to do many things to honor your memory that is forever imprinted on my heart. I wish I didn't feel sad when I think about you, I just want to hold you in my arms one more time. I will always know you are safe in the clouds above. Whenever I look up, I'll feel you near me. Whenever I feel the sunshine, I'll feel you near me. Whenever I feel the rain on my face, I'll feel you near me. Forever.

I love you always, Mommy xoxoxo

Garden Addition

So we were wondering around in Kmart over the weekend and walked past this little guy holding a butterfly ... so of course I had to buy it! The turtle has a solar panel on his back and the butterfly lights up a yellow glow at night! I know what you're thinking `Is she going to buy everything she sees with a butterfly?` ....yea, probably. I read that the butterfly is a symbol of rebirth after death, and for some reason that brings me some peace.

An added note on the rememberence bracelet - I found out I can put an image on both sides of the charm frame...so I am pretty sure we are going with the babies actual footprints on one side and the seashore pic on the other side. The woman who runs that site is a sweet soul. Again, I think these places find me, and thankfully.

xoxoxo

Rememberence Bracelet

I just wanted to share what I might eventually purchase to wear to keep my girls close to me. It would have three charms with the pic that Carly took of their names in the sand. I really want to support Carly who has done so much for so many. I like it because the charms together will make noise and keep me thinking of them always (not that I don't do that now!) Here is the link:
http://www.sueellasignatures.com.au/index.php?option=com_virtuemart&page=shop.product_details&flypage=flypage.tpl&product_id=108&Itemid=61

Work was ok, I am lucky they are so nice and understanding and that its a small office. Was an easy first day. Thanks to all who asked and supported me through it :)

Love, Nan xo