Friday, August 28, 2009

Random Thoughts

This post is going to be a bunch of random thoughts. I have so much in my head and not an easy way to get it all out, my head is pretty much unorganized at the moment. Due partly to PMS I suppose, AF is due any day now.

I can't believe our six month angelversary is fast approaching.

I miss my girls, a whole lot, that is obvious. Throughout each day, the delivery part of our story comes to visit my thoughts. I do not know why I cannot get this to stop from entering my mind so much. I want to write it down, I know it will help, but I also know its still too painful to write. In the same breath, I feel more a peace with knowing the girls are in Heaven and playing in the clouds with other angels, with the saying I have heard many times that they were "too beautiful for earth". I recently was also told another saying that felt very comforting, that I should believe that God will return the children he has called away from us someday. I think we are deserving of that, at the least. We are good people, and we will appreciate any blessing that falls into our lives.

I had a shrink appointment last night, she feels I am doing much better, and we talked about TTC again. She stayed mostly neutral about it, but knows that I know the difference now that if we try again, that I will not be replacing the girls, we will be adding to the family. Honestly I have felt like that for quite some time now, it just took a while to talk about it in therapy. With that said, I have made a new blog that I have not yet opened to anyone yet. I will eventually. It's going to be for the next IVF attempt we go on, and my thoughts and feelings on it. I did not think it would be what I wanted to talk about on this site, where I am (mostly) trying to honor our angel girls, but the occassional post (such as this) comes out. So I think I need a separate place for the rants I may have! I will keep everyone posted when I open it if you are interested in following it. I feel like I need to keep alot of this to myself for now.

Our 4th wedding anniversary is coming up on 9-17 and we are trying to do something special for ourselves. We were trying to plan a honeymoon that we never got to take, but we are going to have to postpone it once again. We will still do something special, just not the honeymoon we wanted...definitely in another couple years! I cant believe September is already around the corner, this year has flown by.

Last but certainly not least, I am asking for prayers for my sister in law. She is going to be having brain surgery to remove a non-cancerous tumor that keeps growing. Her surgery is 9/16 and she can use all of the support she can get. I know my angels will protect her and watch over her, as she was there for them the entire delivery and watched over them and took care of them.

Love and light to everyone. Nan xo


  1. Its good to get out all of those random thoughts every once in awhile, isn't? I ramdomly think of my delivery night pretty often too. I don't know how to sort out all those feelings. I don't really want to blog about it b/c it's so personal, but I still want to remember it always (when I want to). I don't know... it's complicated.

    I hope you and the hubby are able to get away and have a nice time to yourselves for your anniversary. Mine is coming up soon in Oct., and we are still making up our minds as to what we'll be doing to celebrate. It will kind of be bitter sweet b/c I found out I was pregnant at our last anniversary...

    Talk to you soon,

  2. I find myself replaying my deliveries over and over again as well. It has really helped me to write about it but its so hard to get the words out. I will be praying for your sister in law. I hope you and Mike have a great anniversary. Love ya, Steph

  3. Sometimes, I think my entire life is just one really long rambling thought. My ability to concentrate has severely diminished and I don't make sense most of the time. I think most of us can relate though :)

    I hope you guys can get away and try and have a little fun.

    I will be thinking of your sis and sending healing thoughts her way.

  4. Random thoughts are okay. I think they are actually good for you :). I hope you can get away for your honeymoon, and have some fun!

  5. A you know it is so hard for me to think of "that day." Whenever my mind wanders there I always divert it because it is just too painful. Soon after losing my girls I HAD to write our story in my journal because I was so afraid of forgetting any of the details. Since then I haven't been able to write about it on my blog, but I will, someday.

    I am so happy you are thinking about TTC again. And of course your SIL will be in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you and Mike find a wonderful way to celebrate your 4 years together. Lots of love to you Nan!


  6. I stopped over from Almost A Mother where she has given you an award. I just want to say that I am so sorry for your loss. If you would like a handkerchief to catch your tears I would love to send one to you. My other blog is:
    You can email me your full name & address at:
    Take care & God bless.

  7. Random thoughts are healing thoughts and they help to soothe the soul in various ways. One day, when your heart is ready, you will tell your story. In the meantime, keep holding the hands of those who are lost and in turn they will continue to hold yours. Embrace the good and continue to "perservere".

    You will have that honeymoon someday...its not the trip you take that is important, it's the memories that you build with the one you are with.

    Prayers to your sister in law, another of your angels on Earth.

    Hold onto your and hugs always,

  8. Sending you hugs. I'm so sorry your triplets, Shelby, Megan, and Lynn aren't growing safely in your arms. Hoping that you are able to enjoy your anniversary, and that you have a gentle journey and success in TTC, if that's what your family decides. Peace.

  9. Nan, I nominated you for the Honest Scrap Award. Thank you for sharing your heart with all of us. Love ya, Steph