Candles

I didn't have alot of time after work to get this together, but wanted to share that I lighted candles in honor of all our babies with every candle I had. I did better last year, but next year I want to make sure I have it just perfect. I noticed last year and this year both had very windy cold days, and that my plans for an outside night vigil were not going to happen, so this is what I have, and it was sweet. Hubby and I hugged for a long while and had some tears, but ultimately it showed us even more how much love we have for our children in the sky, and that not a day goes by that we don't think about them. Click here for more pictures, and I hope you all had beautiful candlelit memories. Love, Nan

Layers of Grief.....& Oct 15th Rememberence Day

Living child mentioned, just want to give a heads up in case you don't want to read...but you may find it helpful. If not, please know that I will be thinking of all of our babies in Heaven tomorrow and always....Love, Nan xxxooo
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Since my last post, I have been struggling with what to write. I think we all have either a writer's block sometimes or even just need a break every once in a while. When the year and half mark hit last month, the day was Labor Day (ugh) and I went to the park to walk and push Autumn in her stroller. There I was.....walking, weeping, sobbing and then staring at a beautiful face that will someday know that she has three big sisters who are now in Heaven. I asked myself for a month, how can I still struggle when I have Autumn? Then I realized these things:

1) Because the fact is that my girls were real, they were here and that I still grieve their loss and their dream.
2) Because all of the things I used to do (ie. blog, garden), I can't do as much. So that can sometimes feel like I am taking time away from reflecting on them.
3) Because with each year, the grief gets a little lighter, with some setbacks, but the feeling of guilt comes into the picture for it feeling lighter.
4) Because I'll always worry about losing Autumn too.

None of this is easy, and honestly I have not walked the most graceful path, but to get the thoughts out of my head and to maybe know that someone else may be feeling the same way, just makes me feel better.

My therapist shared something a few months back that may be helpful to some of you, and I have been wanting to write about it for a while. I asked her why I couldn't "process" (in other words, why did I break down hysterically) some things as easily anymore, such as thoughts of a baby shower for myself until Autumn arrived safely. It is because we process things differently now...when someone is grieving, the thought process has alot layers because it has too many things to consider, and becomes emotional overload. So, for example, a baby shower, you think, why can't I handle it? Because, A) It reminds you what you should have had a year ago, B) Fear of seeing another small baby, C) Fear of seeing baby bumps besides your own, D) If it was a surprise shower, then you would feel betrayed by all who knew upfront that you couldn't handle it, E) Fear of having to return gifts or look at a room full of gifts if your baby did not make it, F) I could go on and on and on. Many many layers. And that is just one example. I had a shower after Autumn was born, and I cried a bunch, but I was prepared for it, and prepared to talk about my girls that day also. Surprises don't sit well with us, and I know most here reading can relate.

Anyway, I just wanted to share that. And also, I am thinking of all of our babies in Heaven tomorrow and always. I will be lighting a bunch of candles and we will all be together in spirit tomorrow. I also plan to try and decorate the babies' garden with some flowers and pumpkins.

Hugs, and lots of love, Nan xxx

A Year and a Half Angelversary

It seems like everytime I write here, I am surprised at how long it's been, but really I am not surprised, more like shocked. A year and a half hurts just as much as a year, a half year, a month, etc. The pain of losing them has lessened alot in comparison to those raw times, but I can still remember their smells, the weight of them in my arms and the hurt of having to hold my children for the last time. The past few days leading up to this angelversary have been especially hard, don't know why and I can't explain it. I have been trying to find something special to do to honor their memory, but I've come up with not too much :( But things may have been trying to find me (I think and I hope).

I had a butterfly that was flying all around me and Autumn on our front porch that let me take numerous pictures up close.

We also had two Monarch caterpillars eating the milkweed on our front porch, but left yesterday to go morph somewhere nearby :) I am hoping to see them back again soon flying around our porch, or the garden.

Other than that, the girls' garden is in need of some weeding and pruning so maybe I will make the garden spiffy tomorrow and it will make me feel close to them. Maybe thats whats wrong, that I have not been able to work for them and feel close, I'll give it a shot. Maybe I will have some new flowers bloom tomorrow in "3's" and give me some signs :)

Love to all xxxooo Nan

Support

If you can, please stop by my dear friend Angie's blog to lend some extra support that this loving community is all about. I love you Angie, please please please hang in there and feel our prayers lift you up.

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Today is 17 months without my sweet triplet girls, and I still see those special Heaven sent signs that could be none other than them blowing kisses to us. We drove past a local florist who does displays in this large 2nd floor window, and guess what was in it? Three giant butterflies...just beautiful. Love you, sweet angels.


xxxooo

Mommy Never Forgets You

Dear Baby Girls,

A year ago today, the three of you were due. Certain dates still stick out in my mind and I suppose they always will, which I am grateful for because I never want you far from my thoughts. I will be planting a new flower in your garden tomorrow (as today was just way too hot out there), its orange milkweed and I hope to attract more butterflies!

Goodnight and sweet heavenly dreams, love you always, Mommy xxxooo

Prayers for Deni

Please send my sweet friend Deni lots of support, prayers and love. Their long awaited adoption did not go through as planned and I am so saddened by this outcome. They put so much time, love, emotion and effort into this, and to have it fail is heartbreaking. So you can just imagine the heartache and disappointment making it very much another loss. Please visit her and thanks for all the support.

Love, Nan xxx

16 Months

Dear Shelby, Megan and Lynne,

As another "6th of the month" rolls around, I cannot help but think of where you would be today if you were on earth. You would definitely be walking by now and we'd be chasing you around like crazy making sure our house was super duper child proof so we could keep 50 eyes on you at all times. I love the thought of you all dressed up in three pink dresses running under the sprinklers, or three pink bathing suits on a huge float in the pool, with your daddy taking a massive amount of pictures of the fun you are having. I can only hope it's like that for you up in the clouds.

As we prepare for your baby sister to come this week, I think of you even more, if that is possible. The nursery has a special mural which includes you, me, Daddy, your big brother, your little sister and all of your angel friends in Heaven and on earth. No matter what, you are always going to be in our lives forever and you will always be included in everything we do.

We love you always, Mommy and Daddy. xxx

Above is a picture of the mural in our nursery, it is near completion with a few finishing touches needed. The three eggs in the nest represent Shelby, Megan and Lynne. Ironically, their real tree in the garden has a nest that looks exactly like that that we have pictures of, no eggs though. The seven flowers represent Mike, me, Shelby, Megan, Lynne, my stepson and our daughter on the way. The leaves on the tree represent all of the girls' angel friends in Heaven and their rainbow friends on earth.

Love, Nan xxx

Remembering Tristen Ryan

Please please please, send my dear friend Shandrea all your love, support and prayers. I'm just heartbroken.

Prayers for those who are struggling

You've struggled with your loss or losses and the raw gut wrenching emotion it brings

You've struggled with not having your child or children with you everyday on earth

You've struggled with seeing other women pregnant and/or going (or not) to their baby showers

You've struggled being around infants or toddlers as sometimes they remind you of what you are missing

You've struggled with trying to get pregnant naturally or go through IF treatments or go through adoption

You've struggled (if you've gotten pregnant or are adopting now) with wondering if your earthly baby or babies are going to make it or if you will have more angels in Heaven or a failed adoption

You've struggled with guilt and all of the phases of grief over and over and over again

You know this is going to effect you for the rest of your life and will always be on your heart and mind

Etc...Etc...Etc...the list goes on and on

So why should anyone have to struggle through trying to make it again to be earthly parents no matter what the route? Why can't things just be ok? Why can't there be a guarantee, like on a box of brake pads? I'm sorry but my heart is very heavy today and I have to ask God why anymore. I am not super religious but I have my own beliefs. Call me selfish, but I want my friends to be ok and to have their babies on earth, just like I want mine too. So I will cling to hope and pray and ask that you also pray for not just my friends, but for all of us in this community going through every struggle we know all too well. Maybe the key is that we all keep bonding together to form a super alliance...wouldn't super powers be nice right now.

Love, Nan xxx

Our Forum

Our little Forum for Grieving Dads isn't doing so well, it appears to be very very stagnant. I wanted to take this time to reach out to whoever reads this, to please share it on your blogs (if you haven't already), share it by word of mouth or email. I would love to be able to ramp up the activity so our guys can get some support, or even just know they have somewhere 'just for them' to go, especially with Father's Day coming around this weekend.

Thanks for your help xxx Nan



To Grab This Button, See Link on the Right Side of This Blog

Things in 3's

I am noticing (in my lengthy time of not blogging) that I keep seeing things in 3's. I often take these as little "signs" to bring me comfort. The girls' garden is flourishing and really producing beautiful pictures and new flowers everyday. This sounds totally non-logical, but I didnt know the weeping cherry tree would actually produce little cherries...not that there are a ton or that I will be harvesting cherries or anything! But I thought that was a neat little surprise to walk out to the other day.

This is actually my 100th post. I wish I had some amazing thing to do for it, but honestly, I do not have the mental or physical energy. As some of you know we are expecting our rainbow grasshopper in just a few weeks and I get sad and happy when looking at the nursery....sad because it's being redone and looks only a little bit like it did for the girls...but happy because they will be incorporated in a mural we are doing (and more) and always a part of our lives. I miss my girls every day, and it shows in everything I do, and I know that's ok.

Tomorrow it will be 1 year and 3 months since my girls grew their wings, the 6th of every month is ALWAYS on my mind...you are forever in my thoughts and in my heart every day sweet baby girls, love you.

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I was devastated to read of another loss this week within the BLM community, completely heartbroken. All you want to do is cling to hope for Mom's trying so hard to have their rainbow baby, and when that gets crushed you really feel for them....deeply. Please please please send some extra love to Courtney, Mommy to twins ^Logan^, ^Brody^, and little brother, ^Wyatt^. Fly high sweet little Wyatt, but not too far so Mommy can see you.

Hiding Out

I've been hiding out, mainly in my girls' garden, watching all of the pretty blooms in progress. It really is a beautiful place and I am so glad it's there to play in. What I find the most interesting, is how some of the plants are coming up differently this year, as compared to last year. For those of you who have followed this blog for a while, you may remember my post called The Last Flower, but it was the last flower that bloomed in my garden in 2009 before Winter set in. There was only one sole flower that came up and it took until October to even show itself. Since then, I have learned that its called a Maximillian Perennial Sunflower, and that it's supposed to have MANY blooms. Well, this year, it started early, has been taking over a good section of the half moon and has so many buds that I lost count! Here are a couple pics:




I think I will split some of it up and replant some in other places. Its really hardy, and pretty!

As I see more or notice anything else different I will definitely share, you can count on that. I really find so much purpose and so much closeness being out there. I will add more to the garden after our rainbow has arrived safely.

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Mother's Day. Just hurt, like for most of us. It went ok, but not without the occasional breakdown. Especially after receiving this:

My Mom gave me some pink geraniums I cannot wait to get planted soon. Thanks Mom, you always remember your beautiful Granddaughters in Heaven, and are always there for me, I don't know what I would do without you. I love you.

Hubby had three butterflies placed in this beautiful floral arrangement that arrived at our house. So when I saw it, I counted out loud "one, two, oh my God did you place three butterflies in there" and then had a meltdown in his arms. I am choked up thinking about it. I miss my girls so much, and it sometimes still hurts like it did a year ago. I can't even believe I can say that 'a year ago'. Those moments are going to hit me occasionally for the rest of my life on earth, and it only reminds me more of how real they were in my arms, of how beautiful they are in my pictures and how much I want to honor and cherish them forever. So to my wonderful hubby, I love you, and thank you for all you do to keep our girls' memories alive, and keep me sane. This was a beautiful and most thoughtful gift...and I get to keep the butterfly garden stakes! xxx

So Happy Belated Mother's Day to all of the beautiful Moms, on earth and in heaven, I am sorry I am so late, I guess I needed some time to process the day. I used to process things so easily, now it takes alot of time....does anyone else feel that way?

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Lastly, I would like to share what Jennifer created for her local hospital. Please visit her blog to read a document posted "Important tips for medical personnel in dealing with grieving parents". I plan on bringing this to the nurse manager at our hospital when I bring more tissue donations. Please note, her site has pictures and a living child mentioned, so if you have a hard time with those, then please email me and I can email you the document if you want.

Sending you all some Spring butterflies and sunshine.

Love, Nan xxxooo

Forever My Firefly too....

I feel like an Auntie to this special little boy, because I have a friendship so special in Andrea that we could be sisters. (Tears streaming as I write this). And although we don't share the same Angelversary date, we share the 6th of each month, and have done so for almost a year now, trying to keep eachothers heads above water. Andrea, I love you and I am praying for your heart to feel lifted today as you celebrate your amazing little one. I thank God everyday for having you in my life.

Christian, Happy First Heavenly Birthday little man. We love you and are thinking of you all of the time. I hope you are playing with my girls and celebrating in those big beautiful white puffy clouds. Without you I would have never have been brought to your Mommy, my Angel on Earth. She is sending all of her love to you today and always. Love, Auntie Nan xxx

You are a Mom...

And a beautiful one at that....

Thinking of all of you lovely ladies and sending love to you all xxx Nan

Awareness

To back up my last post even better:

Please pass it on!!

Grief in Many Forms, (i.e. Infertililty)

My head spins in a 1000 directions most days. You know you are a different person. Grief has so many faces and phases. This particular post is about infertility as it relates to IVF or IF procedures.

A dear friend in Sweden, Angie, has recently found out they may need to go through IVF. She is devastated, as she has every right to grieve losing their ability to conceive naturally, as does anyone going through IF. What is puzzling is that they conceived naturally last year, but unfortunately miscarried their little boy Adam. I remember when Mike and I found out we had to go through IVF 4 years ago, it was very difficult to process at first. But that is all I remember before jumping into the "process" two weeks later. At the time, I did not know infertility was a form of grief, and looking back, it all seems like a blur. I knew NOTHING, and it was alot of information to take in. Now that I know so much more and am able to share my experiences with others, I know I can make a resource to many. Which brings me to asking many of you reading this to send some prayers and/or advice to Angie, as her and her hubby have an appointment tomorrow with the RE to discuss their options and further results.

If anyone has any questions on IVF, there are many resources out there including many of us who have gone through it that would be more than willing to share. If you would like to comment with your experience, and/or a link to a helpful website, link or post, feel free to do so here and I will reference this post on the side of my blog as a quick reference.

Thanks dear friends xxxooo Love, Nan

Beautiful

I wish I could easily access my roof and get a better picture of this, if only. It was actually a double rainbow but was kind of hard to catch on the camera.

It goes to someone out there who knows who she is :) :) :) From me and my girls :)

I know I haven't been blogging much lately, but in no way does that mean I have stopped doing things for my baby girls. In fact I have been spending most of my time in the garden and staring at their tree, taking various pictures (couple hundred!). Below, we recently planted three new flowering perennials that are in the row closest to the grass.

We also had to plant something in the place of the azalea, as it did not make it through the winter unfortunately. It was a beautiful pink and white one that I have many pics of from last year. The new plant is a pink heather and it fits the area perfectly and will not take over the garden.

Here is another tree pic below. I love taking pictures of the tree from this perspective (my favorite perspective) looking up to Heaven. I even sometimes see shapes in the clouds, like an angel wing in this one.

And with the sun beaming through...

The tree still has pink blooms hanging on, but they have mostly been replaced with lots of bright green leaves and its so full and beautiful. The pink blooms are now making 'snow' on the ground. This garden was the perfect thing for me to honor my angels and spend time out there feeling the closest to them I can possibly get in that moment. I have lots of moments and places, but the garden is really helpful to stay positive and smile.

Do you have anything you like to do that reminds you the most of your angel(s) and makes you feel some presence and smile? I would love to hear it.

Sending out hugs xxx

Love, Nan

Awards and Stuff :)

Here is the first award...

I am honored to accept the Beautiful Blogger Award from Deni @ Making Our Troxclair Family, and also from Shandrea @ Loving My Angels, from Kristin @ My Family of Three, and from Mary @ Our Angel Amiee. Thank you so much ladies, I am honored by each and every one of you, and I feel so incredibly humbled that so many find my blog creation for my babies as beautiful :-) xxxooo

Here are the rules for the award:

~Thank the person who nominated you and link to their blog.
~Copy the award and paste it to your blog.
~Tell us 7 interesting facts about yourself.
~Nominate 7 bloggers that you love and link to their blog.

So, 7 ‘interesting’ (I hope) facts about me...

1 ~ I grew up as a total tomboy with my best friend Aimee. We spent most of our childhood time walking around in the woods without shoes and looking for worms in the dirt, salamanders under rocks and crayfish in the creek. We even made a fishing pole with a stick, string and a paperclip shaped like a hook, and caught blue gills with it, believe it or not. I still like to go camping and fishing and do stuff that the boys like to do!

2 ~ I am a terrible dancer, but I like to try, especially after a glass of wine…or two.

3 ~ I had six toes on my left foot when I was born, it was an extra big toe and my parents had it removed when I was 8 months old.

4 ~ Mike and I met online in 2000, twas love at first sight J

5 ~ I have two dogs, three cats and three geckos, I’ve always been surrounded by animals my entire life.

6 ~ I can look at any room in my house and have some sort of reminder of my baby girls in Heaven (I place things that way). It assures me that I will never stop thinking about them and I love to add anything I find with three butterflies on it to the mix. Sometimes that includes a lot of impulse purchasing!

7 ~ I love to do laundry, my water bill shows it too…I need one of those energy efficient washers and dryers that hold 50 pairs of jeans J


And now 7 bloggers to be nominated (sorry if you have already!):

Jennifer @ The Blue Sparrow

Nicolle @ One who flys above and one who flutters within

Andrea @ Julia, Our Christmas Angel

Rachel @ Three Butterflies and a Monkey

Katy @ In Hannah’s Honor

Christy @ Almost a Mother

Nichole @ Our Journey for Another Blessing


Please visit each of their blogs and share some love!!




A the Second Award....

I am also honored to accept the Making Lemonade out of Lemons Award from Shandrea @ Loving My Angels. Thank you so much dear friend, you navigate this process with grace and a ray of sunshine and I am grateful for you.

Here are the award rules:

- Put the Lemonade logo on your blog or within your post.
- Nominate at least 10 blogs with great attitude or gratitude.
- Link the nominees within your post.
- Let the nominees know they have received this award by commenting on their blog.
- Share the love and link to the person from whom you received this award.

So, here's who I'd like to share this award with...

EVERYONE who reads this…as I feel we have all had to make the best of our horrible situations and are just trying to survive everyday without our babies. Feel free to take this award and post it on your blog :) (((HUGS)))



Now on to my other stuff :) ...

Michelle @ Missing Juanito dyed Easter Eggs for lots of our babies in Heaven. So sweet! Thank you so much for thinking of my precious girls :)





To my beautiful baby girls, this is from your Mom-Mom for Easter, she loves you so much:

(Butterflies Love My Garden)


And if you want to stare more at the tree – feel free – I know I do!! It feels and smells as pretty as it looks...I love it so much that I've taken almost a hundred pictures of it so far this Spring!

Love, Nan xxxooo

Love At First Bloom

Thank you baby girls, we got the message....we love you xxxooo

Advice From A Tree

First, see how pretty their tree is blooming so far :)

3-17-10 3-21-10

3-24-10

3-26-10

3-27-10

More Pics

Advice From A Tree:

Stand Tall and Proud
Sink your roots deeply into the Earth
Reflect the light of a greater source
Think long term
Go out on a limb
Remember your place among all living beings
Embrace with joy the changing seasons
For each yields its own abundance
The Energy and Birth of Spring
The Growth and Contentment of Summer
The Wisdom to let go of leaves in the Fall
The Rest and Quiet Renewal of Winter

Feel the wind and the sun
And delight in their presence
Look up at the moon that shines down upon you
And the mystery of the stars at night
Seek nourishment from the good things in life
Simple pleasures Earth, fresh air, light

Be content with your natural beauty
Drink plenty of water
Let your limbs sway and dance in the breezes
Be flexible
Remember your roots and

Enjoy the view!

~By Ilan Shamir

I thought that was cute, and I needed to find a little inspiration, hope you enjoyed.

Love, Nan xxxooo

Thinking of Hope, Adam and Charlie

Happy First Heavenly Birthday sweet triplet angels. We all love you. xxxooo

I am honoured to know Kerry and Pete. Please send them some extra love today.

Comfort Prayer

This weekend has proven to be a difficult one for many BLM's. I just wanted to send out a prayer to all of you. Thank you for always helping me get through the difficult days.

May you see the light in the darkness during these challenging times.

May you feel the loving presence of those who hold you in their thoughts and prayers.

May your spirit find what it needs to sustain you on this journey.

May you discover your inner strength and face all difficulties with dignity and grace.

May you be filled with comfort, love, strength, grace and a lasting sense of peace.

Love, Nan xxxooo

First Sign of Spring in our Garden!

The above picture is the first peek of Spring coming up in the girls' garden :) It is the Hyacinth my Mom gave to us around Easter last year and it was one of the first plants we planted when starting the garden. I remember it having 3 pink blooms when we first got it, and that thought still makes me tear up, especially remembering how raw the pain was. Anyhow, we have had so much rain over the past weekend, that yesterday was the first day I was able to enjoy some warmth and sunshine. That is when I walked over to the babies garden and saw these first sprouts! There are also buds starting to grow on the babies tree, I cannot wait for it to bloom, it's going to be beautiful! I smiled and felt my girls all around me. Awesome, Awesome, Awesome!

The picture below shows three beautiful plant stakes with butterflies, which I received from a dear friend across seas in Sweden, Angie H. I was honored that she sent my girls a gift, something that she saw that reminded her of my babies...thank you sweet Angie!!! I will always have a place in our house that I can show them off :)

Below is a picture of the name plate for our tree. Not sure if you can click on it to enlarge it in a new window, but it's the best picture I have been able to take so far. Its so precious :)

Lastly, I wanted to share a simple technique I came across to try and make yourself feel good inside and out. Close your eyes, focus intensely on something that makes you happy (shutting out distractions) then smile for one minute straight, and feel your mood start to lift. I hope it works for some of you. It was hard not to start laughing a few seconds in, I think from the sheer thought of what I might have looked like :) But it helped, if only for a moment.

Love, Nan xxxooo