Hiding Out

I've been hiding out, mainly in my girls' garden, watching all of the pretty blooms in progress. It really is a beautiful place and I am so glad it's there to play in. What I find the most interesting, is how some of the plants are coming up differently this year, as compared to last year. For those of you who have followed this blog for a while, you may remember my post called The Last Flower, but it was the last flower that bloomed in my garden in 2009 before Winter set in. There was only one sole flower that came up and it took until October to even show itself. Since then, I have learned that its called a Maximillian Perennial Sunflower, and that it's supposed to have MANY blooms. Well, this year, it started early, has been taking over a good section of the half moon and has so many buds that I lost count! Here are a couple pics:




I think I will split some of it up and replant some in other places. Its really hardy, and pretty!

As I see more or notice anything else different I will definitely share, you can count on that. I really find so much purpose and so much closeness being out there. I will add more to the garden after our rainbow has arrived safely.

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Mother's Day. Just hurt, like for most of us. It went ok, but not without the occasional breakdown. Especially after receiving this:

My Mom gave me some pink geraniums I cannot wait to get planted soon. Thanks Mom, you always remember your beautiful Granddaughters in Heaven, and are always there for me, I don't know what I would do without you. I love you.

Hubby had three butterflies placed in this beautiful floral arrangement that arrived at our house. So when I saw it, I counted out loud "one, two, oh my God did you place three butterflies in there" and then had a meltdown in his arms. I am choked up thinking about it. I miss my girls so much, and it sometimes still hurts like it did a year ago. I can't even believe I can say that 'a year ago'. Those moments are going to hit me occasionally for the rest of my life on earth, and it only reminds me more of how real they were in my arms, of how beautiful they are in my pictures and how much I want to honor and cherish them forever. So to my wonderful hubby, I love you, and thank you for all you do to keep our girls' memories alive, and keep me sane. This was a beautiful and most thoughtful gift...and I get to keep the butterfly garden stakes! xxx

So Happy Belated Mother's Day to all of the beautiful Moms, on earth and in heaven, I am sorry I am so late, I guess I needed some time to process the day. I used to process things so easily, now it takes alot of time....does anyone else feel that way?

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Lastly, I would like to share what Jennifer created for her local hospital. Please visit her blog to read a document posted "Important tips for medical personnel in dealing with grieving parents". I plan on bringing this to the nurse manager at our hospital when I bring more tissue donations. Please note, her site has pictures and a living child mentioned, so if you have a hard time with those, then please email me and I can email you the document if you want.

Sending you all some Spring butterflies and sunshine.

Love, Nan xxxooo

Forever My Firefly too....

I feel like an Auntie to this special little boy, because I have a friendship so special in Andrea that we could be sisters. (Tears streaming as I write this). And although we don't share the same Angelversary date, we share the 6th of each month, and have done so for almost a year now, trying to keep eachothers heads above water. Andrea, I love you and I am praying for your heart to feel lifted today as you celebrate your amazing little one. I thank God everyday for having you in my life.

Christian, Happy First Heavenly Birthday little man. We love you and are thinking of you all of the time. I hope you are playing with my girls and celebrating in those big beautiful white puffy clouds. Without you I would have never have been brought to your Mommy, my Angel on Earth. She is sending all of her love to you today and always. Love, Auntie Nan xxx

You are a Mom...

And a beautiful one at that....

Thinking of all of you lovely ladies and sending love to you all xxx Nan

Awareness

To back up my last post even better:

Please pass it on!!

Grief in Many Forms, (i.e. Infertililty)

My head spins in a 1000 directions most days. You know you are a different person. Grief has so many faces and phases. This particular post is about infertility as it relates to IVF or IF procedures.

A dear friend in Sweden, Angie, has recently found out they may need to go through IVF. She is devastated, as she has every right to grieve losing their ability to conceive naturally, as does anyone going through IF. What is puzzling is that they conceived naturally last year, but unfortunately miscarried their little boy Adam. I remember when Mike and I found out we had to go through IVF 4 years ago, it was very difficult to process at first. But that is all I remember before jumping into the "process" two weeks later. At the time, I did not know infertility was a form of grief, and looking back, it all seems like a blur. I knew NOTHING, and it was alot of information to take in. Now that I know so much more and am able to share my experiences with others, I know I can make a resource to many. Which brings me to asking many of you reading this to send some prayers and/or advice to Angie, as her and her hubby have an appointment tomorrow with the RE to discuss their options and further results.

If anyone has any questions on IVF, there are many resources out there including many of us who have gone through it that would be more than willing to share. If you would like to comment with your experience, and/or a link to a helpful website, link or post, feel free to do so here and I will reference this post on the side of my blog as a quick reference.

Thanks dear friends xxxooo Love, Nan

Beautiful

I wish I could easily access my roof and get a better picture of this, if only. It was actually a double rainbow but was kind of hard to catch on the camera.

It goes to someone out there who knows who she is :) :) :) From me and my girls :)

I know I haven't been blogging much lately, but in no way does that mean I have stopped doing things for my baby girls. In fact I have been spending most of my time in the garden and staring at their tree, taking various pictures (couple hundred!). Below, we recently planted three new flowering perennials that are in the row closest to the grass.

We also had to plant something in the place of the azalea, as it did not make it through the winter unfortunately. It was a beautiful pink and white one that I have many pics of from last year. The new plant is a pink heather and it fits the area perfectly and will not take over the garden.

Here is another tree pic below. I love taking pictures of the tree from this perspective (my favorite perspective) looking up to Heaven. I even sometimes see shapes in the clouds, like an angel wing in this one.

And with the sun beaming through...

The tree still has pink blooms hanging on, but they have mostly been replaced with lots of bright green leaves and its so full and beautiful. The pink blooms are now making 'snow' on the ground. This garden was the perfect thing for me to honor my angels and spend time out there feeling the closest to them I can possibly get in that moment. I have lots of moments and places, but the garden is really helpful to stay positive and smile.

Do you have anything you like to do that reminds you the most of your angel(s) and makes you feel some presence and smile? I would love to hear it.

Sending out hugs xxx

Love, Nan

Awards and Stuff :)

Here is the first award...

I am honored to accept the Beautiful Blogger Award from Deni @ Making Our Troxclair Family, and also from Shandrea @ Loving My Angels, from Kristin @ My Family of Three, and from Mary @ Our Angel Amiee. Thank you so much ladies, I am honored by each and every one of you, and I feel so incredibly humbled that so many find my blog creation for my babies as beautiful :-) xxxooo

Here are the rules for the award:

~Thank the person who nominated you and link to their blog.
~Copy the award and paste it to your blog.
~Tell us 7 interesting facts about yourself.
~Nominate 7 bloggers that you love and link to their blog.

So, 7 ‘interesting’ (I hope) facts about me...

1 ~ I grew up as a total tomboy with my best friend Aimee. We spent most of our childhood time walking around in the woods without shoes and looking for worms in the dirt, salamanders under rocks and crayfish in the creek. We even made a fishing pole with a stick, string and a paperclip shaped like a hook, and caught blue gills with it, believe it or not. I still like to go camping and fishing and do stuff that the boys like to do!

2 ~ I am a terrible dancer, but I like to try, especially after a glass of wine…or two.

3 ~ I had six toes on my left foot when I was born, it was an extra big toe and my parents had it removed when I was 8 months old.

4 ~ Mike and I met online in 2000, twas love at first sight J

5 ~ I have two dogs, three cats and three geckos, I’ve always been surrounded by animals my entire life.

6 ~ I can look at any room in my house and have some sort of reminder of my baby girls in Heaven (I place things that way). It assures me that I will never stop thinking about them and I love to add anything I find with three butterflies on it to the mix. Sometimes that includes a lot of impulse purchasing!

7 ~ I love to do laundry, my water bill shows it too…I need one of those energy efficient washers and dryers that hold 50 pairs of jeans J


And now 7 bloggers to be nominated (sorry if you have already!):

Jennifer @ The Blue Sparrow

Nicolle @ One who flys above and one who flutters within

Andrea @ Julia, Our Christmas Angel

Rachel @ Three Butterflies and a Monkey

Katy @ In Hannah’s Honor

Christy @ Almost a Mother

Nichole @ Our Journey for Another Blessing


Please visit each of their blogs and share some love!!




A the Second Award....

I am also honored to accept the Making Lemonade out of Lemons Award from Shandrea @ Loving My Angels. Thank you so much dear friend, you navigate this process with grace and a ray of sunshine and I am grateful for you.

Here are the award rules:

- Put the Lemonade logo on your blog or within your post.
- Nominate at least 10 blogs with great attitude or gratitude.
- Link the nominees within your post.
- Let the nominees know they have received this award by commenting on their blog.
- Share the love and link to the person from whom you received this award.

So, here's who I'd like to share this award with...

EVERYONE who reads this…as I feel we have all had to make the best of our horrible situations and are just trying to survive everyday without our babies. Feel free to take this award and post it on your blog :) (((HUGS)))



Now on to my other stuff :) ...

Michelle @ Missing Juanito dyed Easter Eggs for lots of our babies in Heaven. So sweet! Thank you so much for thinking of my precious girls :)





To my beautiful baby girls, this is from your Mom-Mom for Easter, she loves you so much:

(Butterflies Love My Garden)


And if you want to stare more at the tree – feel free – I know I do!! It feels and smells as pretty as it looks...I love it so much that I've taken almost a hundred pictures of it so far this Spring!

Love, Nan xxxooo

Love At First Bloom

Thank you baby girls, we got the message....we love you xxxooo

Advice From A Tree

First, see how pretty their tree is blooming so far :)

3-17-10 3-21-10

3-24-10

3-26-10

3-27-10

More Pics

Advice From A Tree:

Stand Tall and Proud
Sink your roots deeply into the Earth
Reflect the light of a greater source
Think long term
Go out on a limb
Remember your place among all living beings
Embrace with joy the changing seasons
For each yields its own abundance
The Energy and Birth of Spring
The Growth and Contentment of Summer
The Wisdom to let go of leaves in the Fall
The Rest and Quiet Renewal of Winter

Feel the wind and the sun
And delight in their presence
Look up at the moon that shines down upon you
And the mystery of the stars at night
Seek nourishment from the good things in life
Simple pleasures Earth, fresh air, light

Be content with your natural beauty
Drink plenty of water
Let your limbs sway and dance in the breezes
Be flexible
Remember your roots and

Enjoy the view!

~By Ilan Shamir

I thought that was cute, and I needed to find a little inspiration, hope you enjoyed.

Love, Nan xxxooo

Thinking of Hope, Adam and Charlie

Happy First Heavenly Birthday sweet triplet angels. We all love you. xxxooo

I am honoured to know Kerry and Pete. Please send them some extra love today.

Comfort Prayer

This weekend has proven to be a difficult one for many BLM's. I just wanted to send out a prayer to all of you. Thank you for always helping me get through the difficult days.

May you see the light in the darkness during these challenging times.

May you feel the loving presence of those who hold you in their thoughts and prayers.

May your spirit find what it needs to sustain you on this journey.

May you discover your inner strength and face all difficulties with dignity and grace.

May you be filled with comfort, love, strength, grace and a lasting sense of peace.

Love, Nan xxxooo

First Sign of Spring in our Garden!

The above picture is the first peek of Spring coming up in the girls' garden :) It is the Hyacinth my Mom gave to us around Easter last year and it was one of the first plants we planted when starting the garden. I remember it having 3 pink blooms when we first got it, and that thought still makes me tear up, especially remembering how raw the pain was. Anyhow, we have had so much rain over the past weekend, that yesterday was the first day I was able to enjoy some warmth and sunshine. That is when I walked over to the babies garden and saw these first sprouts! There are also buds starting to grow on the babies tree, I cannot wait for it to bloom, it's going to be beautiful! I smiled and felt my girls all around me. Awesome, Awesome, Awesome!

The picture below shows three beautiful plant stakes with butterflies, which I received from a dear friend across seas in Sweden, Angie H. I was honored that she sent my girls a gift, something that she saw that reminded her of my babies...thank you sweet Angie!!! I will always have a place in our house that I can show them off :)

Below is a picture of the name plate for our tree. Not sure if you can click on it to enlarge it in a new window, but it's the best picture I have been able to take so far. Its so precious :)

Lastly, I wanted to share a simple technique I came across to try and make yourself feel good inside and out. Close your eyes, focus intensely on something that makes you happy (shutting out distractions) then smile for one minute straight, and feel your mood start to lift. I hope it works for some of you. It was hard not to start laughing a few seconds in, I think from the sheer thought of what I might have looked like :) But it helped, if only for a moment.

Love, Nan xxxooo

Our First Heavenly Birthday

It was a beautiful day on Saturday, and I thank everyone for sending their thoughts, prayers, comments, gifts and love our way. It was a fairly difficult day with one major breakdown, but we made it through.

We received one last gift from our family today, it is a name plate for our tree. I wish I could take a good picture of it but everything reflects off of the light...I will keep trying. Thank you so much its beautiful!

Jessica, thank you for posting our babies birthday tribute on your site My Angel Day, and I noticed you did it exactly at midnight on their birthday....beautiful xxxooo

Everyone is also welcome to view our pictures from Saturday...I hope it helps someone somewhere if you need ideas on your special dates.

Love, Nan xxxooo

A week of rememberence

A year ago today, I still had you with me, but I knew I was losing you. The hardest decision of our lives was made for tomorrow, and it still hurts thinking we had to choose me over you. I didn't sleep, I won't sleep. It still hurts losing you, and I will never ever get over it, or forget the tiniest details about you. I will never ever forget you my sweet precious angel girls, and neither will anyone else. We love you with all our heart xxxooo Mommy and Daddy

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Click here if you would like to see pictures of what we have done so far to prepare for tomorrow and some of the beautiful thoughtful gifts we have received from friends and family....love to you all, and thank you for remembering our baby girls tomorrow with us xxxooo Nan and Mike

A few thank yous, and a special introduction

I am so grateful for finding such a wonderful and caring community of ladies with huge hearts. Whether it’s a simple “I’m thinking of you”, “hugs”, or sharing your experiences, I find it all so helpful and sweet. My last post about my girls’ first birthday has been weighing on my mind, and your suggestions and experiences were so sweet, so I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your comments. On writing our birth story, it helped to know that some have also been just like me, and that it was also helpful to know that others wrote it to help honor their angels by remembering the details. I am still torn on what to do, but I loved that most of you wrote, “do what you are comfortable with, and share whatever you want to share”, because yes, this road is different for everyone. I also wanted to note that I think that anyone sharing pictures of their angels is great, and that you can look at them any time you want is beautiful. I almost wish I could share, but it’s just what me and hubby decided to keep “for us” only, from the beginning of this difficult journey.



I wanted to thank Jennifer from The Blue Sparrow and Tina from Living Without Sophia and Ellie for their sweet remembrances of my babies on Valentines. They are so adorable! Hugs to both of you xxxxxxxx

From Tina

From Jennifer





My best friend of almost 35 years sent me this gorgeous pendant necklace with matching earrings, just thinking of me…she is the best and so so sweet. Thank you so much Aimee, I love it so much and know you are here for me whenever I need you!!! Someday I will have to scan a picture of us when we were silly little girls and post it! Here is a pic of the pendant:

I also recently received a beautiful ceramic cross from Nichole at Our Journey for Another Blessing http://kovalbabyjourney.blogspot.com/ (Please visit her, she is great!). Nichole told me she was in a store and saw this gorgeous cross and thought of me and my babies, and sent it pronto!!! I cried happy tears, and was so touched that my girls are in the hearts of many people. Thank you Nichole, it is up on the wall and I am looking at it as I type! I will cherish it forever xxx

Mike and I went to L.owes and I wanted to see if any flowers were around cause I needed a pick me up…and here is what we came home with:

It’s hard not to purchase these things, its money I would have spent (not near the amount) on my babies, had they been on this earth with us. I know it won’t bring them back, but I feel good surrounding myself with reminders of them, so I continue to do it and it makes me smile. Do what ya gotta do!!!

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Ok, I am nervous typing this. If you notice the picture of the cross above from Nichole, it has four butterflies. What is the fourth butterfly for? Well you may have guessed or might already know, that we are expecting again. My special introduction is for our baby girl due in July. Her nickname is the grasshopper (thanks to Andrea!), and baby girl is now 19w6d gestation. We do not have a name for her yet. It is truly bittersweet, especially getting to this point in the pregnancy, because I lost my girls at 20w0d. So this is both an extremely happy time and a scared time for us. Really, this entire pregnancy has been that way so far, scared, but hopeful, which is why we waited this long to introduce her. Every day is a blessing, and we continue to try to enjoy her while we have her, and hope we hold her in our arms happy and healthy in July. I know her big sisters are smiling down on us. This may be one of the only times or few times I mention the grasshopper here, as this site is first and foremost my triplet angels’ site. I created another blog that I made private for a while to help get my thoughts out and to document this pregnancy, and the journey to get here. You are now welcome to follow Persevering To Become An Earthly Mommy if you wish.

Love to you all xxxxoooo

T Minus 16 Days...

It's coming, I cannot stop it, if I could freeze time I would have frozen it a long time ago.

My baby girls' 1st Heavenly Birthday is coming, my one year without them in my arms. It's all I can think about.

Is it really here? Is it really coming around to being a year apart? Actually it feels more like a lifetime. It's all I can think about right now. I know what to do to 'help' the anxiety and depression, but it just eases the pain, doesn't cure it. I am making a list of things to do, and since I am anxious now, I have started doing those things on the list now. It's the only thing I know how to do, I guess its my way of being a Mom to them still. You know, that Mom I wanted to be so badly that I read, wrote and researched everything for how to handle three babies when they were going to be here on earth with us. Nothing in all of the reading I did prepared me for birthdays without them and I feel so naive about that. But I can tell you it does help to start doing these things now, keeping myself busy, and I am doing fairly well at the moment.

If anyone has any suggestions to add to my list on what they did or what they would do, please feel free to leave a comment. So far, I have the following (and this is just for hubby and I by the way):

1) Fill out birth certificates
2) Bought a new display urn, building a corner shelf to place it in our living room
3) Release 3 pink balloons with a note from Mommy and Daddy
4) Bake a butterfly cake and decorate it for them. (Bought a cute cake pan!)
5) Make butterfly chocolate molds
6) Donate real tissues to the hospital in honor of my babies
7) Light all of the candles I have for them together during the times they were born and passed.

I wish I could add to that list "write their birth story", but I am not sure I will ever write it, well, no more than what I wrote on my first ever post. It is too painful. I often wonder if other BLM's cannot write it on paper either. Just like their pictures, I guess some things I feel are just for Mike and I to have to ourselves. But the issue is that I cannot write it, so I guess I will continue to keep it in my head, locked away safely.

Well I appreciate any input, or even just a hello :) May love and light surround you. Nan xo

Covered in White

We are truly blanketed in snow. If I were to walk out to the girls' garden, the snow would be up to my butt. I think another storm is coming on Monday! I like to think my girls are sending me a sign, as a while ago I related the weather elements to them :) I can still enjoy the garden and their tree covered in snow....but can you see it in the pic above? I have more pictures if you need a snow fix and do not have any where you live! Just click here. Just a silly thought, my snow angels are covered, if I did another three right now I think I would be under the snow LOL.

And just another shout out to try and bump up some activity/traffic to the men's grief forum. We have about 28 members, however no one really talks much...which I was hoping would help the guys open up. I hear so many women say they have a difficult time knowing what is going on with their hubby/partner, whether they are ok or not, and this place can still be their outlet. The goal is to try and get 100 members (guys only ofcourse), and then I would let it be what it is going to be. If you cannot get 100 guys to talk occasionally, then its going to be a tough road. Where else can I publicize this? The link to the forum is in blue on the right side of this page. Thanks for your support, and the support to the guys in your lives :)

Have a great day. Love, Nan xo

Snow Angels

Thank you for everyone's support and comments yesterday and today (and always), it was nice to have everyone thinking of our girls with us :)

What we really did for their angelversary was in the above pic, but it was too late in the afternoon to take pictures yesterday and them actually come out. I did three snow angels for my angels and sent them up to the sky with love! It was perfect since we had over a foot of snow. I think we have another storm coming on Tuesday, which is the most snow we've had in a long time, we like it though.

Regarding the statue in my post yesterday, I was surfing the web for pictures of angel statues and this one came up almost immediately, so I stole it :) I only wish I had it in their garden as it is absolutely perfect (three little girl angels with wings, melts my heart), and if anyone ever sees anything like it please let me know cause I will have to buy it! Wish I was handy enough to make something like that.

If you want to see more pics you can click here.

Love to you all, have a nice Sunday, Nan xo

11 Month Angelversary

Beautiful baby girls,

Missing you more everyday, and thinking about you always.

Love, Mommy and Daddy xoxoxo