A Gift of Butterflies

I woke up this morning to this present from Bree, they are so pretty (thanks!). She is so kind to do something for us, especially with tomorrow approaching it really helped me to see positively again, if only for a few hours (better than none)! She is one of the few lovely ladies I have "met" (strange, it feels like we all know eachother and we have never met!) who are emerging and doing wonderful things for babylost parents, and I can only hope I can someday do something also when I am ready. Hugs to you Bree, thanks! xo Nan

Special Delivery from Rachel

Hey everyone,

I recently received a package from my friend Rachel (see her loss support site and story here), who sends the cutest printed wraps, knit caps and birth announcement cards to hospitals as donations to give to recent babylost parents. She also adds a poem in the sachel bag, and on the other side of the poem she honors her triplet angels names and places a card with her site listed on it. She had asked if anyone wanted to have any of these that she had made up already so that we could deliver them to our local hospitals, and she sent them to me not asking for anything from me. How sweet is that? They are absolutely beautiful and are made with such love. My plan is to try to deliver them on my EDD this Friday, but I think it is going to be too hard. Thankfully my sister in law works at this hospital so if I cannot do it, then I can give them to her. Just thinking about seeing the area of the hospital we went through so much pain at gives me anxiety. I won't push myself though.

Below are some pictures of the cute little package Rachel puts together. It is so important to get the word out to people that help is out there. Her strength amazes me, and I look up to her so much for what she does, and it's alot! Take some time to visit her site and see all of the things she does to help. Someday I hope to be able to do atleast an ounce of what she does, she is my inspiration and such a sweet soul.

Love, Nan xo

Garden Addition 7-15-09

Hello everyone,

I came home from work today to a UPS box filled with a special gift. It is a beautiful memorial stone from my dear friend Sue W. She had emailed me to tell me something was coming, and I told her she was crazy I do not need anything, just her friendship :) Her strength amazes me, you see, because she very recently lost her Mom, and even through her grief, she chose to do something for us. How huge of a heart does she have?! I am grateful for you Sue and I am very lucky to be able to call you my friend. Everyone please keep her in your prayers for her heart to heal. Most of us here have lost children, but it also hurts for a child to lose their Mom. Love Nan

Garden Progress 7-11-09

Time to write a happier blog to balance out the mood here! It's been a rough week, but all in all, I survived, as I seem to always do. I've been working in the yard and the girls' garden a little today, and gave the puppy dogs a bath (they smell nice YAY!).

We still have alot to do in the secondary garden that is the backdrop for the baby steps garden, like weed, plant a few more flowers, weed screen and mulch. The clematis has alot of growing to do to cover the fence, I can't wait til' it leaps, but I don't think it will be this year. After I am finished with that part of the garden, I plan on making another half moon on the other side of the tree.

This is from my best childhood friend Aimee, she calls it a butterfly bath, not a bird bath. When the butterflies finally come to our garden they can take a drink from it! She told me to add some sand and water, I love it (thanks Aim!):

I forget what this is called, but it is soooo soft, like a baby's blanket, so I added it to the garden today:

I added some daises today:

This is the black knight butterfly bush - it's starting to get some purple buds on it finally:

For some other pics of the garden, you can visit: http://picasaweb.google.com/nancywithtriplets/BabySGardenProgress71109#

Hope everyone is trying to enjoy the weekend and getting some sunshine. If not, I'm sending some your way. Love, Nan xo

4 month angelversary

Will I ever stop counting these dates in my head? Four months already have passed and it makes me think, 'was I even close to having babies that would have lived?'. Four months ago I was 20 weeks *sigh*. Four months ago I was happy, until labor started. Four months ago we were getting excited to find our the genders of our precious angels. When do the thoughts stop? I suppose never.

Also, EDD of a forty week term is coming on July 24th, one I would have never made even with a successful pregnancy, but it sticks in our heads like glue.

I know alot of you are going through what I am, and I understand your pain and am sorry you have to feel this hurt. I pray for all of our hearts to be a little less heavy someday. I want to get to the point of integrating our babies lives into our everyday life without the sadness of it all. I want to feel happy when I think of them. For the most part I do, but not always. Keep doing things to remember your angels and writing your thoughts down so they do not get stuck in your head all day.

Love you baby girls, forever your Mommy xo

Trying for a better day

The sun is shining, family and friends on their way over to have a nice BBQ for the 4th and I am trying to have a better day today.

Thank you for those of you who commented on my last post, I was in need of knowing that I wasn't alone in my feelings, and you helped :) It's helpful that people understand the roller coaster ride. I guess I just needed to voice my hurt that this is not "over", and will only get easier with time. These beautiful girls are in my heart and mind forever. And Rachel, you better believe I'm taking you up on visiting if I'm ever out there - thanks!!

As soon as the garden gets some blooms I will be posting pics, it looks so nice in the sunshine right now!

Happy 4th everyone, hope you enjoy your day. xo Nan

When the bad outweighs the good

I can't remember the last time something good has happened. Maybe I just don't notice much of the good anymore?

I mean, its good that my neighbors keep dropping off our balloon notes that were stuck in their trees (about six so far). It's good I have a close family and that we pick each other up when one is down. It's good we have a roof over our heads and animals to love and care for. Right? Or are these things just the things I am most thankful for? And yes, I am very thankful for the things in my life. But even when I talk to the therapist, about 95% of it is bad stuff that comes spewing out of my mouth.

The one thing I just don't "get", is what happened to our children. I still can't get this question out of my head "why?". I can't stand unanswered questions, but it's one I have to live with everyday, for the rest of my life. It has left me with a sense of 'I really don't care much about anything, anymore', or 'whatever'. Of course I still care about my friends and family and anything important that comes along. But the little things....uh, not so much. I wish people could understand that its not about them when I say 'whatever', its just 'whatever' to anything menial. This is because my children are always on my mind. But it irks me when someone says they have it rough. Do you? Do you REALLY? Please, do tell, but I might not be listening, really.

I suppose this is a phase of grieving, and I really do not like to sound so bitter, but the truth is, most days I am. I miss my girls and its going to be a very long road to healing. As long as no one makes me feel like I should "get over it", then all will be ok. I won't have a good day for a long time, they will be "ok" days. When I have a bad day, it's going to be a really bad day.

Sorry for the rant, just needed to get this off my chest. xo Nan

Hubby's keepsake is here!!!

Yesterday I picked up Mike's Father's Day gift, it's a beautiful ID bracelet! The camera wasn't cooperating but I hope you can see it, if you can't, click on it and it should open to a larger pic in a new browser:





I had the front and back engraved, on the front it has a cross with a little saying with their names and birthdate, and on the back their footprints were engraved. Mike loved it. My only wish is that I would have been able to give him Them, instead.


Enjoy, xo Nan

Garden Progress 6-27-09

Just wanted to share the progress of the girls' garden. If you compare these pictures to my post on 5/31, its some nice growth! I am so excited to see the flowers pop up, some are budding. I have not had much motivation to work on it lately, but I plan to tomorrow. Hope everyone is well and enjoying the weekend. xo

Getting By...

Been a rough week for some reason (period time?). I am hanging in there though. I read a really great motto from an online friend this week "If you feel like you are at the end of your rope....tie a knot", it was really fitting.

I really want to thank the online community of women for getting me through this week. Some are posting the Men's Forum site on there blogs and websites to help me promote it and get more men to join, and I sooo appreciate it (Rachel, Emma, Lauren, Angie, Cara and more! Giving props!).

Out of the blue, I also received a beautiful picture from Lea, who is doing such good things for us babylost moms. Have a look:

Another woman I met online recently who is a photographer, Angie, has joined Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep as an assistant photographer, which offers free photography to parents in the hospital of their precious angels. She is an inspiration to turn her grief into doing such a special thing for others.

I would have never known about this beautiful community of women. You never really want to be a part of it...but I am glad I am, and that we are all not so alone in our journeys. Even though we have never met in person or have never even talked on the phone, I feel as though we have known each other for years. It's really comforting. Thank you everyone.

Hugs to all. Nan xo

A Beautiful Picture for Father's Day

I can't wait anymore, I have to show what sweet Sarah (from Whispered Support) and her brother emailed me this morning. I have seen this beautiful picture on some of my bereaved friend/mammas sites, but once you see it with your own angels names on it, it makes it even more special (thank you!). I am going to frame it this weekend and give it to hubby on Fathers Day (so hon, if you are reading this - sorry I couldn't wait to share it!). I am also giving him a beautiful keepsake but it is not ready yet (waited too long to get myself to the jewelers - thats another story in itself) so I can only give him a pic of it in his card. I will post that when I finally get it! Here is what I woke up to this morning:

So, for those of us in the US, it is Fathers Day weekend, and I just want to wish all of the Daddy's out there, heavenly and earthly, a very special Fathers Day. Especially my wonderful hubby, I don't know what I would do without him.

Love to all xoxo Nan

Names in the Sand

This post is about the lovely woman in Australia who wrote our beautiful baby girls' names in the sand. She does this out of the kindness of her heart. Her name is Carly and she has entered an online photo contest which will be explained on the link below. Please take a moment to help her out and vote. Thanks! Love, Nan

http://scarletriver26.blogspot.com/2009/06/vote-for-christian.html

Nice people are out there!

Kelly is a sweet woman who jumped at the chance to help promote our Forum for Grieving Dads on her blogsite. Just wanted to say thank you Kelly! You can read the post and her website by clicking on the link below:

Kelly's Korner: Such a Busy Day - I don't even have a picture of Harper on this post

Also, sweet Rachel with her site http://www.tripletbutterflywings.com/ has a link to our forum as well! Rachel is the woman who has our angels names in her butterfly garden and is always so thoughtful of others and she also jumped on the chance to help!

I am so happy to have these wonderful people in my life :) Please, if you know of any Dad grieving the loss of a child, please send them to http://www.forumforgrievingdads.com/

Hugs, Nan

Find your flower...

Good morning,

It's been a while since I've said "good morning" and actually meant it. Even though things can be so hard and so sad, the good days start to appear little by little. Above is a picture of a neat breed of daylily that my cousin Lori and her family brought us on the day of the balloon release. So I planted it quickly in the girls' garden and within a week, the buds starting blooming and I woke up today to a bright single flower in the garden, how beautiful.

Everything is starting to get a little bigger in the garden and its helping to teach me that patience and time help to grow you stronger, little by little, like a flower. If you sit and try to watch the flower bloom, you will be there for a very long time, you can't force it. Just like you can't force yourself to heal, you need time, you need patience, you need to cry and scream, you need to get it out at your own pace and everyone is different.

Today, I say an extra prayer for all bereaved mammas out there to find their bloomed flower and a little less of a heavy heart.

Love, Nan

Guess what I found?

I came home today and looked in my mailbox, you know, the usual routines. Amongst all of the junk mail and bills there was a large pink piece of paper with writing on it. It was our message on the babies balloons that got stuck in our neighbors' tree!!! It must have fell somewhere they could see it and they put it in our mailbox. My heart was lifted today.

Just wanted to share :) Nan xo

Our Balloon Release...and 3 Month Angelversary

What a beautiful day we had yesterday on our baby girls' 3 month angelversary. Thanks to all who participated!

We released 72 balloons to our baby girls at approximately 5:30 PM, while surrounding the babies garden. All was going well, and then the wind shifted and blew alot of them into our neighbors trees! They are still there, and everytime I look out of my kitchen window I can see them there....I just do not know what to do! But some did make it, and all in all it was beautiful. I know our balloons did not make it because we had the biggest card and the biggest bunch with our messages to the babies, and I can see it swinging there. Oh well, we will just have to do it again soon! Click here for more pics, you can view them as a slideshow: http://picasaweb.google.com/nancywithtriplets/BalloonRelease3MonthAngelversary6609#

Love, Nan

Balloon Release Tomorrow!!!

Just wanted to share pics of the board I made for our guests to sign tomorrow. If you click on the pictures, you will open a new browser that makes them larger and you can see them better. Eventually, I am thinking of making it a shadow box frame and putting the girls' keepsakes on the bottom (knit caps, blankets, bears, rings, etc.). I will share the pics from the balloon release in another post, maybe Sunday. Enjoy!

Garden Progress

Had alot of fun in the garden yesterday! Here are some pics, and also, here is a link if you want to see more: http://picasaweb.google.com/nancywithtriplets
I have become picture crazy! The program that I use is awesome for sharing pics, and its easy to use. I had created it originally to share pics of our pregnancy progress, ultrasounds and belly shots :( But, atleast I can still use it to share our journey to healing :)

Almost lost my way

Grief is a B%$#@!

One day your fine, the next day, a wreck. One week your fine, the next week, a wreck. Up and down and feeling nutso, what feels like forever. Why can't there just be a period where you grieve and then be able to deal from then on? Apparently, "it doesn't work that way", says the therapist. Who made up that rule? I have a bone to pick with them whoever it is.

I had moved our balloon release for the girls from last weekend to June 6th, and I AM keeping it that date now. A few days ago, I wasn't so sure, and almost lost my way. I had managed to turn my beautiful picture of the celebration of their lives, into a tearful goodbye, in a matter of days, and I fell apart. What was I thinking? My initial purpose for doing this, was to send messages to my beautiful babies, and NEVER EVER say goodbye. Your thoughts can drive you crazy and make you twist things around way too easily while going through a horrific loss.

So, if you are reading this, and are going through the same thing, I am sorry and I know how you feel. It helped to write the thoughts down, ask opinions on a grief forum, and talk with the therapist or whoever will listen.

What I now know:

1) You can turn negative thoughts back into positive thoughts with the right tools, seek help.
2) Don't go through this alone, you are not alone, even if you feel that way.
3) You will find comfort in doing things to remember your angels, even if they are small things.
4) (From Jessica) Treat yourself as you would treat a best friend who had just gone through what you had, and give yourself some slack. Go easy on the expectations you set for yourself.

There are more, but I think you get the idea. It's easy to get lost, but there is always hope that you will be found again. This isn't to say that I know everything about gief, however, slowly but surely I am learning my way through the quick turns it can take. I want to share my experience in hope it helps someone, somewhere, to recognize the steps they may be going through, cause it just plain sucks.

I miss my baby girls everyday...I'm off to the garden to be in their presence now :)

Love, Nan

Just some pics...

Slowly but surely we are getting the girls' garden together. I keep adding to it though, I don't think I want to stop working. If our angels were here I would have been non-stop, and I think I was preparing myself for that, and want to keep working towards something. *sigh* Next thing we have to do is place weed screening down and then mulch. Just wanted to share some pics of what we've been doing, hope you like: (I had a slide show up - but it didnt look that good - so here are the pics again)

Updates...

BABY STEPS GARDEN: The plants I ordered arrived today. I am trying to figure out how I am going to plant them since we have now measured an area against the fence. I have not dug up any grass over there yet! So, I have a good project ahead of me :) I am tired today, but I will probably start working on it. The plants arrived so tiny and some are bulbs, so its going to take a while for them to flourish, but gonna be so worth the wait.

HOME LIFE: Hubby is away on a job, and he is only going to be home on weekends. It will probably be like that for about a month. I miss him not being here and am having a 50/50 time with it. It is the first time he has been away overnight since the girls were born, and its hard being alone. I seem to have alot of company stopping over and alot of help from our neighbors (good friends!) which is so welcome. My older dog is good, my puppy is BAD BAD BAD! Grrr.....

BALLOON RELEASE: We were going to have the balloon release/picnic this weekend but I started stressing about it, so we decided to move it to June 6th. I like that date better because it will be the babies' three month angelversary...it's just that I think it will be something more significant to us.

RANDOM THOUGHTS: I still want to go in the nursery and see our beautiful girls be there. I don't want to go to work. I think I'm in a funk. I think I'll pull through. Life sucks. Life is ok. Glad I have Mike and friends and family. Still angry at Him. I'm a Mom no matter what. I wanted Danny Gokey to win American Idol, darn it. I'm a weirdo, I know!

Will update next post with pics of the garden.

Love to all. Nan xo

Got my bracelet!!

Well it was another teary day in the Reiber household, part sad part happy. But all is well. My bracelet is beautiful and makes the most wonderful sound when the charms move. I tried to take some pictures but my camera is acting up.....the good news is that my dear new friend Sue sent me pictures of it, better than I could have taken!

Garden... & neighbors new fence

Hey everybody,

The neighbors told us they were installing a fence ("nothing personal"). They have a grumpy old dog that barks at everything he sees, including the air around him. Anyway...although it's a nice fence, the chain link fence was left up with it and they put the ugly side facing us (backside of the fence with posts), and I don't like the way it looks in the background of the babies' garden. So, I wanted to ask for suggestions on what to plant to take over the fence, something that grows fast with little maintenance, if possible. I heard honeysuckle was good, but it attracts alot of bees/bugs. Any thoughts? I'm still waiting for the garden plants I ordered, two of them are a jackmani clematis (http://springhillnursery.com/jackmanii-climbing-clematis/p/17004/), which might help a little. The girls' tree is so pretty!!! Love, Nan

Pray for Kayleigh in Heaven

This hit close to home for me, our babies were close to a pound and Ive been following Kayleigh's story. It's just remarkable how strong this little one was and how loved she is, but so sad she did not make it. Bless her family and send her prayers. Just tears...
http://kayleighannefreeman.blogspot.com/

Importance of Family and Friends

No matter what the situation is, to be recognized as a Mother, is priceless. On Mother's Day morning, we went to my Mom's house for breakfast, and I was greeted by everyone saying Happy Mother's Day and giving me flowers and cards. It was so welcomed after all we had been through. I was actually (dare I say) happy. I was just happy to be around everyone finally. It has been (I think) since Xmas that our family (well, my side, which is about 17 people including nieces and nephews) has come together all in one place. When we had the babies, everyone was coming and going, never together. So I was happy. Happy that I could be around all the kids and be ok with them. I missed them.

I am so glad I have my Mom too, she is the reason I want children of our own, to raise them the way I was raised, happy. She is a blessing and I thank my lucky stars everyday that I have her.

The two nurses I mention in the birth story are my sister Lynne, and sister in law Barbara (hence, baby girl C became Lynne Barbara!!!). They are amazing women and I received a beautiful necklace from both of their families yesterday. They said it is three tear drops, one for each baby girl, and they are my tears, so no more crying, its in the necklace! Well, ofcourse more tears came, so thats not gonna happen! But it meant alot to me. I have never had this much jewelry in my life, and now I get to wear all of it to remember my babies. Plus I have my bracelet coming! I am a lucky girl, and I am happy.

Thank you everyone for your continued support to Mike and I.. I love my family and friends for helping us get by everyday.

Love, Nan xo