Our First Heavenly Birthday

It was a beautiful day on Saturday, and I thank everyone for sending their thoughts, prayers, comments, gifts and love our way. It was a fairly difficult day with one major breakdown, but we made it through.

We received one last gift from our family today, it is a name plate for our tree. I wish I could take a good picture of it but everything reflects off of the light...I will keep trying. Thank you so much its beautiful!

Jessica, thank you for posting our babies birthday tribute on your site My Angel Day, and I noticed you did it exactly at midnight on their birthday....beautiful xxxooo

Everyone is also welcome to view our pictures from Saturday...I hope it helps someone somewhere if you need ideas on your special dates.

Love, Nan xxxooo

A week of rememberence

A year ago today, I still had you with me, but I knew I was losing you. The hardest decision of our lives was made for tomorrow, and it still hurts thinking we had to choose me over you. I didn't sleep, I won't sleep. It still hurts losing you, and I will never ever get over it, or forget the tiniest details about you. I will never ever forget you my sweet precious angel girls, and neither will anyone else. We love you with all our heart xxxooo Mommy and Daddy

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Click here if you would like to see pictures of what we have done so far to prepare for tomorrow and some of the beautiful thoughtful gifts we have received from friends and family....love to you all, and thank you for remembering our baby girls tomorrow with us xxxooo Nan and Mike

A few thank yous, and a special introduction

I am so grateful for finding such a wonderful and caring community of ladies with huge hearts. Whether it’s a simple “I’m thinking of you”, “hugs”, or sharing your experiences, I find it all so helpful and sweet. My last post about my girls’ first birthday has been weighing on my mind, and your suggestions and experiences were so sweet, so I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your comments. On writing our birth story, it helped to know that some have also been just like me, and that it was also helpful to know that others wrote it to help honor their angels by remembering the details. I am still torn on what to do, but I loved that most of you wrote, “do what you are comfortable with, and share whatever you want to share”, because yes, this road is different for everyone. I also wanted to note that I think that anyone sharing pictures of their angels is great, and that you can look at them any time you want is beautiful. I almost wish I could share, but it’s just what me and hubby decided to keep “for us” only, from the beginning of this difficult journey.



I wanted to thank Jennifer from The Blue Sparrow and Tina from Living Without Sophia and Ellie for their sweet remembrances of my babies on Valentines. They are so adorable! Hugs to both of you xxxxxxxx

From Tina

From Jennifer





My best friend of almost 35 years sent me this gorgeous pendant necklace with matching earrings, just thinking of me…she is the best and so so sweet. Thank you so much Aimee, I love it so much and know you are here for me whenever I need you!!! Someday I will have to scan a picture of us when we were silly little girls and post it! Here is a pic of the pendant:

I also recently received a beautiful ceramic cross from Nichole at Our Journey for Another Blessing http://kovalbabyjourney.blogspot.com/ (Please visit her, she is great!). Nichole told me she was in a store and saw this gorgeous cross and thought of me and my babies, and sent it pronto!!! I cried happy tears, and was so touched that my girls are in the hearts of many people. Thank you Nichole, it is up on the wall and I am looking at it as I type! I will cherish it forever xxx

Mike and I went to L.owes and I wanted to see if any flowers were around cause I needed a pick me up…and here is what we came home with:

It’s hard not to purchase these things, its money I would have spent (not near the amount) on my babies, had they been on this earth with us. I know it won’t bring them back, but I feel good surrounding myself with reminders of them, so I continue to do it and it makes me smile. Do what ya gotta do!!!

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Ok, I am nervous typing this. If you notice the picture of the cross above from Nichole, it has four butterflies. What is the fourth butterfly for? Well you may have guessed or might already know, that we are expecting again. My special introduction is for our baby girl due in July. Her nickname is the grasshopper (thanks to Andrea!), and baby girl is now 19w6d gestation. We do not have a name for her yet. It is truly bittersweet, especially getting to this point in the pregnancy, because I lost my girls at 20w0d. So this is both an extremely happy time and a scared time for us. Really, this entire pregnancy has been that way so far, scared, but hopeful, which is why we waited this long to introduce her. Every day is a blessing, and we continue to try to enjoy her while we have her, and hope we hold her in our arms happy and healthy in July. I know her big sisters are smiling down on us. This may be one of the only times or few times I mention the grasshopper here, as this site is first and foremost my triplet angels’ site. I created another blog that I made private for a while to help get my thoughts out and to document this pregnancy, and the journey to get here. You are now welcome to follow Persevering To Become An Earthly Mommy if you wish.

Love to you all xxxxoooo

T Minus 16 Days...

It's coming, I cannot stop it, if I could freeze time I would have frozen it a long time ago.

My baby girls' 1st Heavenly Birthday is coming, my one year without them in my arms. It's all I can think about.

Is it really here? Is it really coming around to being a year apart? Actually it feels more like a lifetime. It's all I can think about right now. I know what to do to 'help' the anxiety and depression, but it just eases the pain, doesn't cure it. I am making a list of things to do, and since I am anxious now, I have started doing those things on the list now. It's the only thing I know how to do, I guess its my way of being a Mom to them still. You know, that Mom I wanted to be so badly that I read, wrote and researched everything for how to handle three babies when they were going to be here on earth with us. Nothing in all of the reading I did prepared me for birthdays without them and I feel so naive about that. But I can tell you it does help to start doing these things now, keeping myself busy, and I am doing fairly well at the moment.

If anyone has any suggestions to add to my list on what they did or what they would do, please feel free to leave a comment. So far, I have the following (and this is just for hubby and I by the way):

1) Fill out birth certificates
2) Bought a new display urn, building a corner shelf to place it in our living room
3) Release 3 pink balloons with a note from Mommy and Daddy
4) Bake a butterfly cake and decorate it for them. (Bought a cute cake pan!)
5) Make butterfly chocolate molds
6) Donate real tissues to the hospital in honor of my babies
7) Light all of the candles I have for them together during the times they were born and passed.

I wish I could add to that list "write their birth story", but I am not sure I will ever write it, well, no more than what I wrote on my first ever post. It is too painful. I often wonder if other BLM's cannot write it on paper either. Just like their pictures, I guess some things I feel are just for Mike and I to have to ourselves. But the issue is that I cannot write it, so I guess I will continue to keep it in my head, locked away safely.

Well I appreciate any input, or even just a hello :) May love and light surround you. Nan xo

Covered in White

We are truly blanketed in snow. If I were to walk out to the girls' garden, the snow would be up to my butt. I think another storm is coming on Monday! I like to think my girls are sending me a sign, as a while ago I related the weather elements to them :) I can still enjoy the garden and their tree covered in snow....but can you see it in the pic above? I have more pictures if you need a snow fix and do not have any where you live! Just click here. Just a silly thought, my snow angels are covered, if I did another three right now I think I would be under the snow LOL.

And just another shout out to try and bump up some activity/traffic to the men's grief forum. We have about 28 members, however no one really talks much...which I was hoping would help the guys open up. I hear so many women say they have a difficult time knowing what is going on with their hubby/partner, whether they are ok or not, and this place can still be their outlet. The goal is to try and get 100 members (guys only ofcourse), and then I would let it be what it is going to be. If you cannot get 100 guys to talk occasionally, then its going to be a tough road. Where else can I publicize this? The link to the forum is in blue on the right side of this page. Thanks for your support, and the support to the guys in your lives :)

Have a great day. Love, Nan xo

Snow Angels

Thank you for everyone's support and comments yesterday and today (and always), it was nice to have everyone thinking of our girls with us :)

What we really did for their angelversary was in the above pic, but it was too late in the afternoon to take pictures yesterday and them actually come out. I did three snow angels for my angels and sent them up to the sky with love! It was perfect since we had over a foot of snow. I think we have another storm coming on Tuesday, which is the most snow we've had in a long time, we like it though.

Regarding the statue in my post yesterday, I was surfing the web for pictures of angel statues and this one came up almost immediately, so I stole it :) I only wish I had it in their garden as it is absolutely perfect (three little girl angels with wings, melts my heart), and if anyone ever sees anything like it please let me know cause I will have to buy it! Wish I was handy enough to make something like that.

If you want to see more pics you can click here.

Love to you all, have a nice Sunday, Nan xo

11 Month Angelversary

Beautiful baby girls,

Missing you more everyday, and thinking about you always.

Love, Mommy and Daddy xoxoxo

A Little Piece of Paper

I have been trying to find this little piece of paper for almost 11 months now. I asked hubby, "Where do you think it is, in your car?". He replies, "No I haven't seen it. Are you sure we have something like that?". So I was thinking I was crazy, that maybe in the craziness of delivery that maybe I imagined it happened. And then the other day, hubby placed a little piece of paper in front of me. My eyes lit up and tears welled. Handwritten was:

Shelby Lee - 10 oz
Megan Aimee - 8 oz
Lynne Barbara - 9 oz

Their weights. My precious girls. All of this time, I never remembered their weights and it's been torturing me. This also gave me clue to how long they were, exactly the same number as their weights 10", 8" and 9", Mike remembered clearly my SIL saying that.

Why do I need this info? 1) I just do. and 2) I am fortunate to have birth certificates that need filling out still, and I can finally include this info which I will do on their 1st birthday.

So there you have it. How some lady can be so neurotic about a piece of paper with 10 8 9 on it. I will forever have 10 8 9 in my head, forever. If that doesn't explain the mind of a bereaved Mother, I do not know what will! Tell you what though, I never knew I could love so hard and be this passionate about anything.

Feel free to share any neurotic thoughts here as they are most welcome!

Love, Nan xo

Decals

Hi friends,

Our computer had a virus, so we have been offline for some time. I am now trying to catch up on the many wonderful blogs I follow, and it's taking a good bit of time. I have to admit though, having the break was kind of good for me, as we had some time to re-charge the ol' batteries and do some other things that were being put off. Such as applying the decals on my car that Mike got me for Xmas! We had a semi-warm day (50 and sunny) and decided it was a good day to do it...do you like?!

I also got to hang some ceramic tiles I found while out shopping one day...which pretty much sums up the way I want things to be for my baby girls in the heavenly clouds. God I miss them so much, it still tugs at my heart everyday, and I imagine that is the way it will always be. Anyway, I hung these in our bedroom and when I am sitting upright in my bed they are on the wall right in front of me. Sort of like when I go to sleep and when I wake in the morning, they are the last/first thing I see.

It feels like their 1st Birthday is coming up so quickly. Mike and I are trying to plan for some things to do, probably just between the two of us. I know it will be special, and that I will be trying my best to smile as I know they are smiling down at me. I also know it's important for me to start doing things the minute I start feeling any anxiety about it, as I've posted before.

That's all for now, going to go catch up on reading blogs! Love, Nan xo

Butterflies in Winter

I wish there were butterflies in Winter, but here is the next best thing!




Hubby was walking through K.ohls the other day and brought me home these butterflies (yes he is as bad as me! anything butterflies!), and they have alligator clips on them so I can hang them on curtains, etc. Does anyone else have any sweet ideas you decorate your house with? I wonder what these clips would look like in my hair?! Well, we will never know, because I need my hair cut (yes, still from January 2009), and I am not showing how horrible it is looking these days! I usually wear it up anyhow :)


I would like to also express my sincere thanks for all of your uplifting and supportive comments from my last post. Obviously I was struggling, and you all came to my rescue, so thank you from the bottom of my heart. Do you still find yourself in the lowest of lows somedays? I find it is the anniversaries that hit me the hardest. I am so glad I found blogger world! Hugs to everyone! Find your butterflies in everything you do xoxoxo

Watching the clock

I find myself here almost every month. I cannot stop counting.

12:01 am, the 6th, again. I cannot sleep, so I weep.

I weep for my babies, and for all of the other babies that I wish were here with the parents and families who are missing them.

10 months, really? I have nothing prepared to do. I have no signs I see. I so badly wanted three filled cribs. All of this hurt comes flooding back. Why? To remind me of how bad it hurts? I already live that, it's my reality everyday, especially when I walk past "their" door, next to mine. This day of each month is the hardest, and I need to remind myself that it's ok. It's ok to still grieve, it's ok to feel however I want to feel. I would like to share a post from Lea, which I found perfect rules to live by.

Missing you always baby girls. Maybe in the morning I will be more inspired and refreshed to think of something to do for you on your 10 month angelversary. Love you xo

Been A While

I hope everyone got through the Holidays ok, I know they were especially rough over here. When your plans of having three red dresses with three red bows and three pairs of white leggings and three pairs of black patent leather shoes are completely crushed, and in their place are three empty stockings and memorial jewelry/stuff, one can't entirely say that they had a wonderful Xmas. I know almost all of you following here know the feeling, and I am so sorry. I am so sorry we have to endure life without our children and have to try to pick up the pieces of our broken hearts. I had many break-downs, but ultimately pulled it together as I always do.

But, I did not come here to update the blog with negativity, I wanted to share some pictures and just express that if you were/are depressed over the Holidays, that you are definitely not alone. I had received some lovely ornaments and gifts from friends and family I want to share. As always, you can follow my picture link on the right side of the page if you want to see more pictures!

The following pictures are of the girls' ornaments on the tree. Mike picked out the initials, the butterflies are from my SIL Cheri, and the soft white angel wings are from Andrea. Thank you everyone, they made a perfect addition to our tree and will continue to do so every year! And everyone who saw them loved them. Love to you all xo

We decided to hang the girls' stockings with ours, and every year we will add something new to them, such as charms or another felt cutout like the ones of the pink butterflies in the pictures.

This is a picture of the weekend before Xmas, we had a 20 inch snowstorm and the snow was accumulating on our window, and you can sort-of see the girls' tree in the background.

I received this beautiful crystal heart engraved with a beautiful poem which includes our baby girls' names engraved in it from sweet Shandrea. I cannot believe that she did such a sweet, special and personal thing for us, and hubby loved it too. Shandrea, you already know how I feel, and I just want to keep letting you know how much I appreciate you. One can only learn from your grace. Love to you xo

I received two necklaces I wish I could wear all of them all of the time! The three angel wings are from Deni, and they arrived on Xmas Eve and put a great smile on my face. I wore it with pride and played with the wings the entire night. The other necklace is from our neighbor Gorna, who told me when she saw this necklace it called out to her saying "this is Nan". I thank you both from the bottom of my heart. Nothing makes me happier than to see my angels remembered, and I can wear something that honors them. Love to you both xo

These are a few things I received from Mike and my stepson. The butterflies with the girls' names on them are decals that will go on my car window. I love this idea! Mike and I saw these sunglasses and he picked them up and put them in my stocking :) Then there is a bracelet with butterflies that wrap around my entire wrist. I also received a ring with matching earrings that I bawled my eyes out when I received them. So beautiful.

To my hubby, I love that you honor our girls and will never forget them with me. I can't measure in words how much that means to me. I love you. xo

To my baby girls, I wish I didn't have such a hard time and I wish I was able to be more positive over the Holidays, but I was and I am missing you terribly. As tears flow writing this, I promise I will honor your lives forever and will always remain your loving Mommy. I know in my heart that I will hold you in Heaven someday. I miss you and I love you. xoxoxo

Love, Nan xo

9 Month Angelversary 12-6-09

I cannot believe we have been apart for 9 months. It still makes me cry, it still makes me long for my baby girls to be with us and want to feel the chaos and love we had been preparing ourselves for with 3 babies. The angel figures above are from my Mom, she remembered yesterday and I was truly touched. I guess it can feel like sometimes that everyone has moved on with their lives, and then out of the blue I am reminded that many grieve for my girls too and will never forget them. I cry happy tears as my girls will never be forgotten. I also received three glass butterfly ornaments from my SIL, and when they have the girl's names painted on them and are displayed on our tree, I will share on here.

On another note, I wanted to introduce two babylost Moms who are new to blogging in this beautiful community. They are near and dear to me and have provided me with great support. Kindly send them your empathies if you can, and show what this wonderful community of women can do to help and support others. I stand here a proud Mom of angels and know I would not be standing on two feet without everyone's help. Love to you all. Nan xoxox

Please visit: Shandrea's blog and Deni's blog

xoxoxoxxoxoxox

Not Black Friday...Rather, A Beautiful Friday

The day after Thankgiving in the States....crazy for some, rushing out to the stores and standing in lines as long as a parking lot. For others, well, they decide to skip all of that and have a different kind of day.

In our case, we had the honor of meeting another babylost couple who had also lost their triplets in the same month we lost our girls. Pete and Kerry are the first babylost parents we have ever met, and it was truly an amazing experience. From the first moment of hugging them to pieces at hello, until we parted later, I felt as though I knew these two all of my life. They are adorable and sweet and very tall (hehe). Ofcourse, I am very short so it was funny :)

It was a cold and blustery day and we had planned a balloon release. So we drove over to a local park and held onto our six balloons really tight and took a few pictures. I think if it wasn't so cold and windy we would have stayed a little longer and reflected, but believe me it was cold! So we then decided to go to lunch and just sat there talking for hours. It's a good thing the place wasn't busy or they would have been kicking us out for the table LOL. We just could not stop talking, and I had a few tears but mostly smiles, and it was amazing. All in all, a beautiful day, better than I could have imagined.

Kerry and Pete, thank you for visiting us and we just adore you both. Thank you for making it such a special day with us as we honored our babies together. You are both beautiful inside and out.

Love, Nan xoxo

It's not easy, but I'll make it through, again

And so it is again, another Holiday without our babies that we trudge through. It's hard to be thankful when you've lost three children suddenly in one day. But, I must say I am thankful for the time I had with my girls, for the 5 months I got to watch and feel them thrive and grow with me, and for what this whole process has opened my eyes to because I know I will be a better more appreciative Mom when I have angels on earth. There are so many of us out there, way too many, but we all support eachother in a world we would have never known about unless we'd not been through the loss of a child. Crappy way to meet, I know. But I am thankful for all of you and for the people who support us IRL too. My girls brought me you :) I hope you can find peace while getting through Thanksgiving (whether you are celebrating it or not), and remember what a blessing it was to carry a baby or babies and know our angels are watching over us always.

Love, Nan xo

Bunch of Updates

I have been a bad blogger. And even though its only been about a week since I wrote, a lot has happened. So this is a post to catch up on everything.

First, below you will see a beautiful picture from a great friend Andrea, who walked out to her sunny garden last weekend and thought of my girls instantly! I was so happy to see this sign they sent her :) It is three pink roses and two grasshoppers hanging out with them! Grasshoppers for future earthly children???!!! Thanks Andrea, Love to you xxoo Please visit her blog!!!


Next is a beautiful and thoughtful picture I received from Holly at Caring for Carleigh earlier this week. I was so happy again to see that someone else thought of my girls, it was so incredibly thoughtful. Holly did a bunch of names I don't know how she did them all! You are a sweet soul Holly, thank you. I will repay you one day :)

Ok, I lied, I thought the yellow mystery flower was my last flower, but the clematis jumped back in to the race again :) We have had strange weather, warm, cold, warm, cold, so the plants and flowers aren't sure what to do. But the girls' tree has shed all of her leaves, ready for winter.

Neat story. This next pic is of a pin my Mom gave me over last weekend. On the weekend of the girls' 8 month angelversary, I had been looking for something to find, looking for signs like I always do. I decided to look for a butterfly pin. While out with my Mom, I couldn't find anything. Then the next weekend, she came over and told me that in one of her jacket pockets, she found this pin, and doesn't know where she got it from...but she remembered I was looking for one, so she gave me that as my sign :) Thanks Mommy - love you always xxoo Thank God for Moms.

I missed this day on Tuesday, but wanted to post about its importance. It doesn't matter what day it is, it's still important to get the word out and get everyone educated and involved in something that should not be happening in this world. Please pass on this message and it can be any day of the year. Thinking of all of the babies in Heaven and all of the parents who grieve for them everyday.

Lastly, but certainly not least, a dear friend Jessica is trying to do angel dedications for those of you that are interested. She is just trying to give something back to the beautiful community of babylost parents. Her site is called To Always Remember, and she has instructions and contact info on there if you want to do something to remember your angel(s). Please be advised that there are pictures of angel babies on there, just in case you aren't able to handle the visual emotional triggers. And to honor your angel on her site, you do not have to have a picture of your angel baby on there, it can be footprints, or a favorite picture of a butterfly, etc. Jessica is a sweet Mom to both earthly and heavenly children, whom I admire greatly.

I think that's all for now. Thanks for supporting any of the blogs I mention above :)

Love to all xxoo Nan

One Day At A Time

I have been trying read more inspirational and healing writings in the past month. I came across one that has helped me, and I just wanted to share. I hope it helps someone that might be struggling:


There are two days in every week about which we should not worry, two days which should be kept free from fear and apprehension.

One of these days is yesterday, with its mistakes and cares, its faults and blunders, its aches and pains. Yesterday has passed forever beyond our control. All the money in the world cannot bring back yesterday. We cannot undo a single act we performed. We cannot erase a single word we said. Yesterday is gone!!

The other day we should not worry about is tomorrow, with its possible adversities, its burdens, its large promise and poor performance. Tomorrow is beyond our immediate control. Tomorrow’s sun will rise, whether in splendor or behind a mask of clouds. But it will rise. Until it does we have no stake in tomorrow, for it is yet unborn.

This leaves only one day: Today.

Any man can fight the battles of just one day. It is when you and I add the burdens of two awful eternities – yesterday and tomorrow, that we break down.

It is not necessarily the experience of today that disturbs one’s peace of mind. It is often time the bitterness for something which happened yesterday and the dread of what tomorrow may bring. Let us therefore live one day at a time.

~ Author Unknown


On another note, things are well and I have embraced the spirit of my girls everyday, and it feels so good :)

Love to you, Nan xo

Varying Stages of Grief...

So, "apparently" (says the therapist), my most recent stage I experienced was anger. Pretty much why I haven't been on here lately, as I try to never be angry on my girls' site. But I do like to share things I find informative, just in case it helps another babylost momma out there somewhere.

I had two dream interpretations...one determined that I am angry for not being in control of anything (would rather not share that dream - disturbing and graphic); the second was about a child who stole my cell phone and wouldn't return it back to me, so I spanked him....this interpreted to something about me being angry for taking my children away from me. Who thinks like that? Who am I? Why did I spank someone's kid I don't even know? I wouldn't spank anyone it doesn't solve anything!! Why must we go through these stages over and over again, haven't we been through enough? This wasn't me before, but it is me now.

I go through my day to day, muddling through, putting on the smile, trying not to show any signs of reverting back as people just don't want to see it, they want to see us happy again, and I get that, I do. I know with more time it gets a little easier, but I will go through these varying stages of grief for the rest of my life, probably with a little more ease eventually. Not everyone seems to understand that this is forever....I will be 70 someday and will cry for my girls. In fact, tomorrow is my 8 months without them, and right now I feel like I will count every 6th of the month forever. Maybe I can do something to honor them to help jump the hurdle of anger, as I haven't done much lately in the cold weather. The thing is, I mentally feel fine right now (except for a head cold), but right when I least expect it, I feel mad about something.

I don't like any of the stages of grief, but anger is probably the worst for me, as it projects on the people around me...I can't help who gets hit (spanked, rather!), but I can keep helping myself to get through it. With the help of this community of beautiful women and with the support of family and friends, it will get a little better, day by day. Thanks for bearing with me...on to the next...

Anyone else have similar experiences with anger? It feels like there is a bit of a dark cloud above many of us, I am praying it lifts real soon. HUGS!!!!!!!!

Love, Nan xoxoxo

The Last Flower

This is for all of you that read my blog! For reading about my girls, for supporting me on good and bad days, for getting through your own struggles and still reaching out, for virtual hugs on sad days, and for just being you. From my angel girls to you and your angels, the last flower of the season from their garden (with a little ladybug on it!):

Love, Nan xo

PS - you can see more pics here!

Hot and Cold

We have had some erractic weather where we live, and Fall is slowly but surely setting in. Ultimately, the gardening season is over, I've spent alot of money on memorial things and quite honestly I'm having trouble trying to find the next things I want to do to honor our girls. It's hard because short of wanting and affording an atrium in my house (ha ha), not to mention having to build that and make a cathedral ceiling that I do not currently have (never gonna happen), my gardening is on hold. My flowers are on hold, and my picture taking is on hold. So I can't even do a few pictures for babylost moms, my little side project I was trying to do from my girls garden. So, what can I do? I thought about learning how to knit, or hitting the craft store to see if anything strikes me as a project for them, I am not that crafty. I will probably come up with something, but for now, it's hard to have stopped all of what I worked so hard on. It was my little piece of alone time to feel their presence and remember them. I'll share if I come up with something new. Love, Nan xo

Remembering All Angel Babies

Thinking of all of the babylost parents out there, you are all in my thoughts and prayers, and these candles are for your angels also.

I spent the evening with my sister and my two nieces, they joined me to light the candles. I wept for my baby girls before they got here, but felt a calm over me when they arrived. It was nice to have their company, thank you so much for being here! I love you.


You can see more pictures here.

Lots of love, Nan xo

To my ^angel girls^, you are always in my heart and mind, always. Love, Mommy xoxoxo

Mystery Flower!

Is this a sunflower??? I didn't order a sunflower but I think I got one when I first planted the babies' garden...how cool!!! Does anyone know? I have been waiting to see what this was going to be since May!!!

Wave of Light ~ October 15th

October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.

Honor your angel(s) as well as others, these statistics are staggering.

American Pregnancy:

There are approximately 6 million pregnancies every year throughout the United States:

4,058,000 live births

1,995,840 pregnancy losses

American Pregnancy Loss:

Every year in the United States there are approximately 2 million women who experience pregnancy loss:

600,000 women experience pregnancy loss through miscarriage

1,200,000 women experience pregnancy loss through termination

64,000 women experience pregnancy loss through ectopic pregnancy

6,000 women experience pregnancy loss through molar pregnancies

26,000 women experience pregnancy loss through stillbirth

Pregnancy Complications:

Every year in the United States:

875,000 woman experience one or more pregnancy complications

458,952 babies are born to mothers without adequate prenatal care

467,201 babies are born prematurely

307,030 babies are born with Low Birth Weight

154,051 children are born with Birth Defects

27,864 infants die before their first birthday

Statistics sited from:http://www.americanpregnancy.org/main/statistics.html

7 Month Angelversary

To My Dearest Angel Girls,

I stumbled across this poem today and it made me cry happy tears to think of you thinking of me. Love, Mommy xo

Angel Whispers

Dear Mommy,
Before we said our first hello, the time had already passed.
For when you held us in your arms, We had gone to heaven to rest.
We felt angelic tears down our cheeks, and watched you as you wept.
We wish we could have changed it all, Your tears touched our souls so deep.
But Mommy when you are sad, please be assured we know.
For death cannot take away your love, it will only continue to grow.
Time and distance cannot erase, a love and bond so deep.
There is no bond that can compare, and in your heart we'll keep.
When you are feeling far away, and missing us so much,
close your eyes and feel our wings, there soft and gentle touch.
Or at night as you sleep, we'll join you in a dream.
You will see us standing close to you, and we'll be lost within our wings.
So dear Mommy , as you go from day to day.
Find comfort in the knowledge, We are never that far away.

~ Author Unknown

Latest Garden Addition

We found another awesome garden trinket with a butterfly on it! Thanks H.ome D.epot :) I will probably bring it in for the cold weather, as it actually attaches to the garden hose and sprinkles out water from the rim. Wouldn't want it to freeze and/or shatter. There were also some very pretty fall hanging planters that I decided would brighten up the garden a bit more. Alot of the flowers are not blooming anymore, except for one. I dont know exactly what it's going to look like, and I can't remember the name of it, but here is a close up:

I am glad I get to enjoy the girls' garden still. Soon everything will be "protected" (hopefully with a blanket made of snow!).

Another thing I wanted to mention, is that the Forum for Grieving Dads, has 21 members now since June - YAY! Although it's strange, no one is talking right now...so I suppose it has gone stale for a while, but I hope it picks up again soon, since men need support too!

OK, thats all, just a short update for now!

Love, Nan xo

Their Tree

She is beautiful, and I refer to the tree as a "she" because she is graceful, pretty and her branches lean over almost protecting the earth around her. Protecting my angels. She is getting ready to winterize herself as the leaves are slightly turning colors. Protecting herself from the cold of Fall and Winter to come. Sound familiar to anyone? It is us, the babylost Mom world that I never knew about, and now know all too well. This garden has taught me many things, most of all patience. Earlier this Summer I was afraid of anticipating the tree losing her leaves. Now I look at it as a form of protection and it brings me to a better place, easier to "see".

On a separate note, why is it still so hard to hear of others' joy for their pregancies IRL? I want to run and hide whenever I hear anything related to baby clothes, birthing stories or even see newborns? Such a crappy feeling. Guess I am getting ready to shed my own leaves and protect myself too.

Hugs to all, Nan xo

For once, all is quiet

I think today I finally exhaled. Has anyone else felt like they have been holding their breath for months on end? It was so peaceful and the weather was so comfortable I actually took a nap this afternoon, first one in months. Not much to update except my sis in law is doing well after surgery, I knew angels were watching over her keeping her safe :) And the picture of the rose above is a present from my Mom for our Anniversary, so pretty, I planted it in the girls' garden! I took some garden pics, did some pruning, feel free to see them here.

Hope you all find a day where you can exhale too, even for a little while. Love, Nan xo

Friendship Award!

Lea at Nicholas' Touch has passed on a very special Friend Award to me. I am honored to accept such a sweet gesture, thank you Lea! You have done so much for me and helped me get by on good and bad days, and I don't know how to repay you! Hugs!!

This award is bestowed on to blogs that are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to six bloggers who must choose six more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award.

OK, so six bloggers is really hard to choose, but it's the rules I suppose. Just know that all of you that visit, read and comment here are in my heart forever, and I wouldn't be where I am without your support. Love, Nan

Bree at My Baby Butterfly Ella

Christy at Almost a Mother

Steph at The New Normal

Kerry at Making Coyne

Tina at Living Without Sophia and Ellie

Deb at For Your Tears